Where did the truth end and where did I begin? When did the lie end and I begin?
I’m not sure if I would ever figure it out and not come out even more of a shell than I was going in.
I didn’t trust her brother at all. I knew Javier enough that she did mean something to him but a man changes when he comes into power and I’ve seen him change a lot. I wasn’t even expecting him to show up to meet her. He was the man in charge of the seedy underbelly of half the country, he wouldn’t want to risk anything by going after his sister.
Then again, there was the chance that his marriage had softened him. That’s why I wanted Luisa to be there. Alana would be able to get a better read off of her. She wanted to believe the best of Javier a little too much.
While we drove around looking for a cheap, simple motel that I could pay cash out, I thought about how Javier could be behind any of this. The man who had called me and ordered her hit definitely hadn’t been him. Javier’s voice and mannerisms were far too distinctive. But could it have been someone working on his behalf? Perhaps it was the man Alana had talked to on the phone, even though he pretended not to know who she was.
Who was Javier’s right hand man these days? Esteban Mendoza. Could it have been him on the phone? I wasn’t sure. I never paid too much attention to Este back then because he was a bit of a chump, a surfer dude that didn’t do shit but wanted to weasel up the ranks. He was proficient in survelliance and electronics – when we did the raid on Raines’ house, we were able to all because of him. But Este didn’t seem to have the chops for much more than that.
Then again, being second to Javier meant doing a lot of dirty work. An order was an order. But why would Javier want his own sister assassinated? That’s what didn’t make any sense at all. I didn’t trust him and with good reason and I thought if she went off with him it would do her far more harm than good. But I didn’t know if he’d want to kill her.
I started thinking that even if she did go off with him, maybe I could put myself back in the picture somehow. Ever since I defactoed from him after the Raines’ takeover years ago and helped Ellie Watt out of Honduras to rescue her father – for a price higher than Javier’s of course – I’d never seen Javier again. I couldn’t just stroll up to him and ask if he needed any help. Javier held grudges like nobody’s business, especially those that concerned his ex-lover, and he’d shoot me on the spot.
I guess the problem now was how far I was willing to go for Alana. She’d said again and again how much we didn’t know each other and she was right every time. But even then, I couldn’t stay away. I couldn’t from the moment I saw her in the airport parking lot. Just one real look at her and she’d done something to me, stirred something that had been dormant for so long.
I couldn’t leave her. I just didn’t know how to get her to stay with me.
Eventually we found a nice enough hotel. We had an hour to kill before I drove us back to the Wal-Mart and I wished we had more. On the chance that she would leave with her brother and never see me again, I wanted to remember exactly how she felt to touch, to hold, to kiss, to be deep inside of her.
Once we got inside the room, I locked the door, drew the shades and then pulled her into my arms.
The need to drive my cock inside her suddenly overpowered me, and I grabbed her face, kissing her hard, my hands moving down into her hair, down her back to her ass where I squeezed hard. She let out a cry of pain, but it was good pain from the way she attacked me, hands, lips, teeth, everywhere.
I’d never felt so hungry for her. Apparently she felt the same. So much adrenaline, emotion and futility hung in the air, revving our bones, stirring our blood, making us starved, wild animals.
Death made sex feel much more alive.
I quickly pulled off her shorts and thong and whirled her around. I pinned her up against the wall. The bed wouldn’t do this time. It was too soft, too comforting, too forgiving. I wanted her raw and real. I wanted to feel the pain with the beauty, the harshness of it all.
She wrapped one leg around my waist, her cast on the other was hooked around my thigh, and held me close to her as I fumbled with my fly. Once my dick was free, my pants dropping to my ankles, I wasted no time in guiding the tip into her, just teasing her cleft with her own slickness.
“I need to feel you,” she cried, her head back, her hips trying to thrust closer, to get purchase. Her nails dug into my back.
“You’ll feel every inch, babe,” I groaned, feeling her expanding for my tip, so greedy, hungry, just like me.
“Now, Derrin, por favor.”
Her cries were my undoing. I thrust into her, feeling her expand around me, so wet, so tight, so damn beautiful. I was meant to be this deep inside her, pushed into the hilt, like I could stay here forever, like I was supposed to.
I caught my breath, nearly losing it, and pulled out slow, relaxing into the rhythm, trying to hold myself in check. She felt so good and I started rubbing her clit with tiny, round strokes. She started panting, squirming, wanting more.
“Harder,” she pleaded. “Keep going.”
I bit at her neck and sucked beneath her ear, loving how pushy she was. I kept going slow and steady, not ready to give her everything just yet.
“Do you like that?” I whispered, delighting in the primal lust that was spilling out of her mouth in load groans.
I thrust into her deeper, faster, torn between wanting to come and wanting this to go on forever. She held me tighter, her nails sharp and drawing blood as I pounded her, keeping my fingers on her wet clit quick and steady. Her grip around me began to loosen as she was close to the edge.
“Alana,” I cried out breathlessly as the pressure reached the breaking point. Everything tightened, from my balls to my abs, before I came hard and poured into her. This was so raw, beautiful, that I could barely hold her up anymore. I felt like as my seed spilled into her, something was spilling into me and filling up all the caverns inside me, the dark and hollow places. They felt brighter now, warm. Real.
She cried out as she came, loud enough for the room next door to hear. But I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything except her. My heart was being squeezed in radiance.
I breathed into the hollow of her neck, drowning in her smell, the feel of her as she pulsed around me, the sound of her breathless noises she probably didn’t know she was making. I’d never been in so deep. I knew I wouldn’t walk away from this woman unscarred.
“Shit,” she said smiling, catching her breath. Her legs began to shake around me, worn from the strain and I grabbed hold of her, gently lowering her to the ground. She wiped the sweat from her brow and frowned at the marks her fingernails made on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” she said, nodding at them.
“Don’t you ever,” I told her, brushing her wet hair off her face. Everything about her glowed, so hot, so warm, so larger than life.
“You know what you are?” I asked her, leaning in until my lips grazing the rim of her ear.
“What?”
“Sunshine.”
Redemption.
***
Even after the sex and intimacy, the ride back to Wal-Mart was strained. Both of us were locked in our own heads, eaten by our own fear. My fear – the first real fear I had felt in some time – was that I would never see her again. If I never saw her again, I could never protect her. If I could never protect her, she would end up dead.
Her fear … well, I could only imagine. I just hoped it was enough to keep her on her toes but not too much that she would panic. Fear can only work for you if you know how to recognize it and use it.
Our plan was relatively simple, yet as we sat back in the parking garage, now a bit more full thanks to after work shoppers pushing their carts back and forth, it seemed daunting. There was a mild sense of chaos here, which usually helped me think but today wasn’t cutting it.
I had my sniper rifle and silencer with me, as well as my .22. I would go up first by the doors in at the far e
nd of the parking garage, ones that led up to the empty office building. The doors would be locked but that was never a problem for me. I would then secure a spot in an office on the highest floor. I wouldn’t be right at the window overlooking the fountain – that was too obvious – but if I could find one further back with a clear shot that would be perfect. Then I would wait. The moment Alana looked like she was in trouble or being taken against her will was the moment I would pull the trigger.
In some ways, it was phenomenally easy to kill Javier this way. He would know that too. But in this province he had few enemies. What enemies he had I’m sure were ones masquerading as his friends. In fact, I knew for certain he had no friends. I assumed he knew that too.
And Javier would probably travel without telling anyone. Maybe Esteban. No one would expect to see him here, so he would be safe. In Cualican, where he lived, that was a different story. People would expect him. But here, even though he probably felt inconvenienced by the travel, he would actually be fairly safe.
Except for me.
“So,” Alana started, scratching at the top of her cast nervously.
“So. Are you ready?”
She shook her head, her eyes wide and searching. “What happens if I go with him? If he promises me safety? What happens to us?”
I tried to smile but failed. “I’ll be here whenever you need me.”
“You’ll stay in Mexico?”
“Of course.”
“Don’t you have to go home?”
“I don’t have to go anywhere, Alana.”
“What if I want to see you again?”
“You email me.” Even though it was the best way to get a hold of me it still felt so cold, so wrong, to have our contact with each other go from skin to skin to email to email.
“Not call?”
“I’ll probably get a new phone and number to be safe.”
“Oh,” she said, looking panicked.
I put my hand on her leg, relishing the warmth of her skin. “When I get a new phone, I will email you the number. Any time you want to leave, I will come and get you. Your brother won’t hold you there. Remember, this all has to be your choice and your choice alone.”
“But if I choose to go, this is it? I mean, I won’t get to see you before?”
I wiggled my jaw back and forth and breathed out through my nose. “It wouldn’t be safe for him to see me. I’d rather not, you know, be exposed to a notorious drug lord if I can help it.”
She nodded. “I get it. Well, I guess you should probably go take your place.”
Something in me seized but I did what I could to ignore it. “All right. If you don’t go with him, if anything, anything at all seems the slightest bit wrong, change your mind. Just get advice. See what your options are. And come back here to the car. I’ll meet you and we’ll be on our way.”
“Derrin,” she said, adjusting in her seat to face me. She looked so soulful in that moment that I wished to god she was calling me Derek instead. It would only feel real when she used my real name, knew the real me, everything I was, and still stayed.
But she wasn’t staying.
Before I could say anything stupid, I quickly leaned over and grabbed her face in my hands, kissing her hard, like I was trying to create an impression on my lips, like she could seep into my skin and stay a permanent reminder. She tasted sweet and felt soft and that fire inside me was burning away. No matter what, no matter what, I would protect her.
I pulled away, breathless and surprised to see the moisture in her eyes, tears threatening to overflow. I quickly grabbed the gym bag from the back seat that had the sniper rifle in it and then left the car, shutting the door behind me. The sound echoed through the garage, lonely and cold.
I didn’t look back but I would see her again. I was on my way to protect her.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Alana
I’d never felt so unsafe, so alone, until I watched Derrin walk away from the car and disappear into a stairwell. I don’t even know how he managed to break into a locked door so seamlessly, so naturally, without causing any attention, but he did. Now I was sitting in the Camry wishing I could keep an eye on the time. A watch would have been nice. A new phone would have been nice.
Sometimes I was hit the overwhelming reality that my life would never be the same again. Something as simple as losing my phone, all my pictures, my useless contacts, my apps – something so normal as that and I felt like I’d never be able to have a good life again. Just the idea that Luz and Dominga were probably calling it nonstop, calling the hotel, checking up on me, was a wrench in my heart. Dominga’s maid friend was probably searching the room on her behalf, panicked at our disappearance.
That was providing someone else didn’t get to the room first. I could finally see why Derrin didn’t want me in contact with them at all. I hated that they had to worry but they would be the first people my enemies would go after for information. And if I knew anything it was how much they loved to extract the truth from their victims. When the victims didn’t know anything, it made it even worse.
I didn’t wipe the tear that rolled down my cheek but I told myself it would be the last time I cried. It had to be. Javier was meeting me here, at least I hoped, and he would fix everything. He would get me out of this mess.
When I figured I’d spent about an hour in the car, I took in a few deep breaths and finally got up. I walked over to the stairs that led up to the Wal-Mart, my cast echoing as I walked. I was less and less awkward but the damn cast was a reminder that I was always at a disadvantage and if I really concentrated I would realize my ankle was throbbing painfully. All that running yesterday did a number on it and yet pain was the last thing my brain was processing. It was all fear now.
Once up top, the sun hit my face and cleared a bit of the darkness away. Wal-Mart was busy, full of people living their normal lives, going to their cars with bags full of useless crap. I envied them, the blissful ways they could just continue in their lives, living in ignorance. None of them appreciated it. I sure as hell didn’t appreciate it two weeks ago.
I walked past the front of the store, past the vending machines stocked with tamarind and pineapple sodas, past robotic horses that children could ride, and gumball machines. I headed over to the fountain.
It was large and circular, made up of terracotta tile with water flowing into a blue-hued pool with only a few pesos at the bottom. There was a bench in the shade where an old man was dozing, a newspaper and a sandwich beside him, but other than that the place was empty.
I tried to look up at the windows of the office building next door but knew the sun would be in my eyes if I did – it was late afternoon and close to setting behind it – and if anyone was watching me, they might get suspicious. I just had to believe that Derrin was up there, watching over me.
But what if he wasn’t? What if he skipped town?
It was possible. Anything was possible. But I had to have faith in him. There were few things left that I could believe in.
I took a seat at the edge of the fountain and waited. I wished I had book or something to make myself look less obvious but since I was waiting for someone, I guess it didn’t really matter. I stared at the tiny birds that hopped around my feet, chirping, looking for a handout, then watched the highway beyond the store as it piled up thicker and thicker with traffic heading out of Durango, moving like syrup.
Finally a figure caught my eye. She was short, maybe 5’2” and dressed in a strapless yellow sundress, wearing wedge heels, holding a Chanel bag under her arm. Long dark hair flowed behind her. Even though she was wearing the world’s biggest sunglasses, I could still tell it was Luisa. She had this way about her that made her stand-out among the masses and it wasn’t just her beauty, nor the fact that she now dressed impeccably well, like a patron’s wife.
Unfortunately, Javier was nowhere to be found. And though when I had first met Luisa, I was witness to the warmth and soul she had as she was reunited with her pa
rents in my apartment, every other time it was a little less and less. I didn’t think she was a bad woman by any means but there had been a hardness creeping into her heart. I suppose that would naturally happen if you were married to someone like Javier.
She stopped right in front of me and I caught a whiff of honeysuckle perfume. She didn’t take off her glasses and she didn’t smile. Instead she looked around in her in all directions, checking out everything, including the empty office building, until it seemed she was satisfied.
“Alana,” she finally said and only then did she push her sunglasses on top of her head. She looked beautiful but tired. Her eyes, thankfully were kind, especially as they focused on my bandaged wrist and cast. “Is that from the car accident?” she asked softly.
I nodded. “Yeah. But I’m almost fully healed. Doesn’t hurt at all,” I lied.
She smiled stiffly and looked around her again.
“Where is Javier?” I asked.
“Are you alone?”
“Of course.”
“Where is your boyfriend?”
“Not here,” I told her, then quickly added, “in the car.”
“We’re not going to get to meet him?”
“Then Javier is here,” I said.
She nodded. “He is.”
I frowned. “But you were sent to make sure the coast was clear?”
“I wasn’t sent.” She smiled at me. “He didn’t have much say. I wasn’t about to let him just waltz out here and he wasn’t going to let me either. But marriage takes compromise.” Her smile twisted slightly.
“You don’t trust me?”
She cocked her head. “I want to trust you Alana. But this whole thing is so bizarre. It doesn’t sound right. You must understand that.”
“You think I’m trying to set Javier up?” I asked, feeling hot and indignant. “He’s my brother.”