Disgrace
Brittainy C. Cherry
Disgrace
By: Brittainy C. Cherry
Disgrace
Disgrace
Copyright © 2018 by Brittainy C. Cherry
All rights reserved.
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the author of this book.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return it and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author’s work.
Published: Brittainy C. Cherry 2018
[email protected] Editing: Editing by C. Marie, Ellie at Love N Books, Jenny Sims at Editing 4 Indies
Proofreading: Virginia Tesi Carey
Cover Design: Quirky Bird
Cover Model: Christian Balic
Created with Vellum
To those who’ve been left behind:
May you remember the sound of your own heartbeats.
Contents
Quote
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
The Elements Series by Brittainy C. Cherry
Also by Brittainy C. Cherry
About the Author
Acknowledgments
“Someday, somewhere—anywhere, unfailingly, you’ll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.”
-Pablo Neruda
Prologue
Jackson
Ten Years Old
What a stupid dog.
I’d spent years trying to talk my parents into letting me have a pet, but they didn’t think I was old enough to care for an animal. I promised them I could handle it even though I couldn’t.
Nobody told me puppies never shut up or listened.
Dad said it was pretty much the same as having a kid—because I kind of never shut up or listened either. “But the love is worth it,” he’d say whenever I complained about the new family member being bad. “It’s always worth it.”
“Always and always,” Ma would agree.
The word “always” seemed a bit like a lie because the stupid dog was annoying me so much.
It was past my bedtime, but I wanted to finish the sunset painting I’d been working on. Ma taught me a new technique using watercolors, and I knew I could become really good if I stayed up late practicing.
Tucker kept whimpering as I was trying to add some orange to the picture. He nudged at my leg, and then knocked over my water cup, spilling it all over.
“Argh!” I groaned, going to get a towel from the bathroom to clean up the mess.
Stupid dog.
When I came back to my bedroom, there Tucker was, peeing in the corner of my room.
“Tucker, no!”
I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him to the backdoor of the house as he lowered his ears.
“Tucker, come on!” I grumbled, trying to get the dog to go outside to use the bathroom in the rain. He wouldn’t budge, not a lick. Even though he was a big black lab, he was pretty much still a baby at only four months old. Plus, he was afraid of thunder and lightning.
“Go!” I barked at him, yawning because it was already past my bedtime. Plus, I wanted to finish the sunset painting before morning so I could show Ma. She was going to be so proud of me.
One day, I’d be able to paint as good as her—if only that dog would leave me alone!
Tucker whimpered and tried to wrap behind my legs. “Come on, Tuck! You’re being a big baby.”
I tried to push him into the backyard, but he wouldn’t let me. The water slammed against the patio, and when a loud clap of thunder roared, Tucker booked it past me and raced straight into the living room.
“Ugh,” I groaned, slapping my hand against my face as I followed him. The closer I grew, the more nervous I got as I heard Ma and Dad arguing in the living room. They’d been arguing a lot lately, but whenever I walked into the room, they pretended they were happy.
I knew they weren’t, though, because Dad didn’t smile as much as he used to, and Ma always had to wipe away tears whenever she saw me. Sometimes, I’d walk in on her, and she would be crying so hard that she couldn’t even talk. I’d try to help her, but she had a hard time taking each breath.
Dad told me they were panic attacks, but I still didn’t understand why Ma was having them. She had nothing to panic about; Dad and I would always take care of her.
I hated that more than anything—I hated when Ma was so sad that she couldn’t breathe.
Over time, I’d learned to just hold her until the panic passed. Then we’d just sit and breathe together.
Sometimes, it took a while.
Other times, it took even longer than that.
I snuck into the room quietly and sat on the floor behind the couch as I listened to my parents fight. Tucker moved over to me and climbed into my lap, still trembling from the rainstorm. Or maybe he was afraid of their shouting.
Stupid dog.
I wrapped my arms around him because even though he was a stupid dog, he was mine. If Tucker was scared, I’d take care of him.
My stomach hurt as I listened to Dad beg Ma not to go.
Go? Where would she go?
“You can’t leave, Hannah,” Dad said, his voice sounding so tired. “You can’t just walk away from your family.”
Ma sighed, and it sounded like she was crying, too. Just breathe, Ma. “We can’t keep doing this, Mike. We can’t keep going in this circle. I just…”
“Say it,” he whispered. “Just say it.”
She sniffled. “I don’t love you anymore.”
I saw Dad stumble back a
bit, and he pinched the bridge of his nose. I ain’t ever seen Dad cry, but that night, he wiped tears from his eyes.
How couldn’t Ma love him anymore?
He was my best friend.
They both were.
“I’m so sorry, Mike. I just can’t do this anymore… I can’t keep lying to myself and my family.”
“You sure use the word family loosely nowadays.”
“Stop it. Jackson is my world, and you know I care about you.”
“Yeah, just not enough to stay.” Ma didn’t have anything to say to that as Dad began to pace. “You’re really going to leave Jackson for some other man?”
She shook her head. “You make it sound like I’m abandoning my son.”
“Well, what are you doing? You have your damn bags packed at the front door, Hannah. You are leaving!” he snapped, which was something he never did. Dad was always pretty levelheaded and never lost his temper. He took a deep breath and lowered his head, lacing his fingers on the back of his neck. “You know what? Fine. You do whatever you want. If you want to go, go. But I swear to God, you better stay gone because I’m tired of begging you to come back to me.”
He walked out of the room, and my chest hurt so much. Ma grabbed her suitcases, making me leap up from the floor to rush over to her. “No! Ma! Don’t do it!” I cried, feeling as though everything inside me was set on fire. I couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t watch my mom walk out and leave me and Dad behind. We were a team, a family. She couldn’t leave us. She couldn’t go…
“Jackson, what are you doing out of bed?” she asked, alarmed.
I threw myself at her and began to sob into her arms. “Don’t go. Please, don’t leave me.
Please, Ma, please don’t go. Please…” I fell apart, pulling at her clothes as she wrapped her arms around my body. I shook against her and kept begging her to stay, but as she soothed me, she still pulled back a bit.
“Jackson, calm down, okay? Everything’s okay,” she promised, but her promise was a lie, because how could everything be okay if she was leaving?
“I’m sorry Tucker peed in the house yesterday! And I’m sorry I didn’t do my chores, but I promise I’ll do better, and I’ll take better care of Tuck. I swear, Ma. Please, I’m sorry. Please just don’t go,” I cried, trying to pull her closer. “Please, Ma. Please stay. Please…”
“Jackson, honey,” she said with her voice so gentle and calming, but tears fell down her cheeks, too. “You did nothing wrong. You are perfect.” She moved in and kissed my nose. “You are my world. You know that, right?”
“Then why are you leaving?” I asked, my voice cracking.
She sighed and shook her head. “I’m not leaving you, baby. I promise, I’m always going to be here. Over the next few days, you and I will talk, and I’ll help you understand. I just can’t stay here tonight. We’re…your father and I…”
“You don’t love him.”
“I…we…” She sighed. “You’re too young to understand. But sometimes parents, even though they really want to try, just fall out of love.”
“But he still loves you, so maybe you can start loving him again.”
“Jackson…you’re too young to get this. But do know that I’m not going anywhere. Not really. We’re just going to find a new normal. It might be rocky at first, but we’re gonna find our footing. I promise. Okay? You’ll see that everything will be fine. We’ll be even happier! And, sweetheart, I need you to understand that you did nothing wrong. I just need you to be strong for a little while and take care of your father, all right? Can you do that?”
I nodded.
“I love you, Jackson.” She kissed my nose once more and pulled me into a tight hug. “Always and always.”
She said those words, but then she still let me go.
She grabbed the handles of her suitcases and walked out into the thunderstorm, leaving us all behind.
As she left, I hit the floor and cried as Tucker walked over to me and licked the tears that fell from my eyes. “Go away, Tuck!” I shouted, shoving him, but he just came back, wagging his tail back and forth. He didn’t even care that I pushed him away because every time I pushed him, he came back. I allowed him to crawl into my lap because I knew he wouldn’t give up. He was so annoying. I wrapped my arms around him and kept crying as I held him.
After a while, I stood. Tucker followed right behind me as I walked into the kitchen where Dad was standing with his hands on the edge of the countertop. In front of him was a glass and a bottle of stuff that I wasn’t allowed to drink.
“Dad? You okay?” I asked. His body tensed up at the sound of my voice, but he didn’t turn around to face me. He only gripped the edge of the countertop tighter.
He sniffled a bit before downing the liquid in his glass and then pouring more. “It’s past your bedtime, Jackson,” he told me, his voice stern.
“But Dad…” I felt sick. I felt like I would throw up any second. “Ma left…”
“I know.”
“We should go follow her. We should go get her back… We should go—”
“Stop!” he hollered, slamming his hand against the counter as he turned to stare my way. His eyes were red and filled with emotions. “Go to bed, Jackson.”
“But Dad!” I cried.
“Bed!” he snapped once more, his anger throwing me off. I’d never seen Dad angry, especially with me. He took a breath and looked at me. I’d never seen that look in his eyes before. He looked so…broken. He frowned, turning back to his glass, and sighed. “Just…go to bed, son.”
I headed to my room and flopped onto my bed as Tucker leaped up beside me and laid down. “Go away, stupid dog,” I grumbled, tears still falling from my eyes. He nudged himself closer to me and snuggled under my arm as my chest continued to hurt. “Just go away.”
But still, no matter what I did or said to him, he stayed.
Good boy, Tuck, I thought to myself, holding him closer. Good boy.
1
Grace
Present Day
In the dark, vacant foyer sat five pieces of mismatched, tattered, and torn luggage. They each held a part of me within them. The purple suitcase was from our first trip to Paris, our honeymoon. We stayed in a tiny hotel room where we could touch both walls if we stretched our arms out. We spent many drunken nights in that filthy little room, falling deeper in love as each second passed by.
The floral suitcase was from our getaway after my first miscarriage. He surprised me with a trip to the mountains to help me breathe. The city air was stiff, and my heart was broken. Even though my heart remained shattered at the high altitude, the air was a bit easier to take in.
The small black suitcase was the one he packed for me when I landed my first grown-up job as a teacher. He also used it for the trip after my second miscarriage; that time, we went to California.
The green one was from my cousin Tina’s wedding in Nashville when I twisted my ankle and he carried me around the dance floor as we laughed all night long. Last but not least, the tiny navy one was from when he came to my college dorm to stay overnight. It was the first time we ever made love.
My heartbeats raced as I leaned against the living room wall, staring at the packed bags from a distance. Fifteen years of history in five pieces of luggage; fifteen years of happiness and heartbreak stolen away from me.
He hurried out of the bedroom with a duffle bag on his shoulder. His body brushed past mine, and he glanced down at his watch.
Gosh, he looked handsome.
Then again, Finn always looked handsome. He was much better looking than I was, and that wasn’t me having low self-esteem. I thought I was beautiful, with every curve and extra pound that rested against my hips, but Finn was just more beautiful. Every couple had someone who was prettier, and Finn filled that role.
He had these crystal blue eyes that shone whenever he smiled. I loved when he wore the color olive because his eyes had a hint of jade in them. His dirty blond hair was always buzzed super s
hort, and his smile…
That smile was what had made me fall in love.
“You need help?” I asked. “With the luggage?”
“No,” he said sharply, not looking my way once. “I can handle it.” His body was tense, unwelcoming. I hated how cold he was being, but I knew I’d made him that way. I had kept him at a distance for so long, and then he had let go.
He wore the yellow polo I despised. It had a rip under the arm and a nasty stain on the bottom that wouldn’t come out no matter how hard I tried to scrub it out. I blinked once, trying to capture that ugly shirt in my mind.
I’d miss it even though I hated it so much.
I sighed as he dragged the suitcases. When he packed the last one in his car, he came back into the house and glanced around the foyer as if he was forgetting something.
Me.
He was forgetting me.
His hands raced across his head as he grumbled, “I think that’s everything. We should get down to the bank to sign the papers. Then I have to get back on the road to Chester, and I guess you do, too.”