“Shit!” he moaned low in his throat, panting.
When he thrust faster, I instantly came again, letting out a cry when everything in me shattered. He shouted as his body bucked beneath me, reaching for his own release.
His lips moved to my ear. “I love you, Maddie,” he whispered in a strained voice as he pounded hard into me one last time before filling me.
My body instantly went still. He loved me?
His lips softly kissed mine as his fingers stayed threaded through my wet hair. The kiss was so gentle, so unlike all his frantic, sexual charged kisses that I felt tears threaten at the tenderness.
Pulling away, he ducked his head under the water. A second later, he popped above the surface, slinging his wet hair back and causing water to fly in all directions. I swallowed hard at the sight of his muscular chest above the water. I wanted to run my hand over those tattoos, following them around his shoulder, down his chest, and lower.
“Let me take a bath then I’ll take you back,” he said, matter–of–factly.
What? That’s all he had to say after telling me he loved me?
I stood, dumbfounded, as he started to soap his body down. My mind couldn’t quite wrap around the fact that he loved me. My heart was still pounding and his words just made it beat faster.
When had he changed his mind? And why was he acting like it wasn’t a big deal? We needed to talk about this, but first, I needed some clothes. Talking while in the nude wasn’t a smart thing to do around Ryder.
I was pushing my way through the water to get out when his fingers wrapped around my upper arm. He didn’t say anything but his eyes searched my face, looking for something.
“I’m going to get out. I’ll wait for you inside,” I said, trying to keep my mouth shut and not blurt out all the questions I had.
He nodded but his eyes were penetrating, trying to look deep inside of me. Finally, he let go of my arm, releasing me from his scrutiny. I turned my back and walked to shore, not really caring if he saw me naked or not.
I quickly gathered my clothes and ran inside to get dressed. My broken finger needed a new splint but I wasn’t worried about it right now. I threw my clothes on and braided my long hair. Taking a seat at the kitchen table, I absently ran my hand over the wooden tabletop as I waited for him.
So how would I start this conversation? I needed to hear him say that we were much, much more than friends now. I wanted him to say that for the first time in his life, he was in love.
The back door opened and butterflies took flight in my stomach. He was wearing only shorts, leaving his tanned chest bare, glistening with water. His eyes burned into mine as he walked past me. I watched him leave the kitchen silently. Standing up, I smoothed down my shirt in a nervous gesture.
I found him in his bedroom, pulling on a new pair of boxer shorts. My face reddened at the sight.
He looked up at me, not at all surprised to see me standing in his doorway.
“You okay? You look worried.” Without waiting for my response, he turned to his closet and started rummaging around for something.
I couldn’t believe his lackluster attitude! Minutes ago he said he loved me. Did he forget? Did he not realize how huge this was? I assumed that if he ever felt this way about me, he would be more…I don’t know…affectionate after declaring his love. Apparently, I was wrong.
He started to pull on clean shorts, watching me carefully as I took another step into the room. His blue eyes held nothing. No tenderness or love lurked there.
“Ryder, you said you loved me.”
Staring at the floor, he ran a hand through his hair, causing the ends to stick up all over. Taking a deep breath, he looked at me.
“Maddie…hell,” he muttered under his breath.
He sat down on the edge of his bed, his stomach muscles rippling with the movement. His tattoos twisted and flexed as he put his head in his hands and rested his elbows on his knees.
I suddenly had a bad feeling.
“It was just something I said. I was coming. You felt good on top of me. It just came out. Guys do that shit. Blurt things out because the sex feels so good. Half the time, they don’t mean it,” he said, looking up at me with bleak eyes.
A feeling of despair squeezed my heart and wouldn’t let go. Oh, Jesus! How could I be such a fool? For the third time, I had slept with him knowing I was still nothing to him except a friend. Used and stupid, that was me. The thought filled me with outrage.
“So what you’re saying is you DON’T love me. You were just enjoying yourself and it just, I don’t know, slipped out on accident?”
Ryder ran a hand through his hair again. Standing up, he started pacing around his bedroom only to stop and yank a shirt off of a hanger, pulling it on quickly, his movements angry.
Stalking over to me, he stopped feet away and placed both hands on his hips.
“I told you that I don’t do relationships and I don’t fall in love.”
I flinched, the words cutting like knives. Feeling delirious with hurt and anger, I turned on my heels and hurried out of the room. I couldn’t be in the same house with him anymore.
Chapter Twenty–Seven
I was almost to the front door when he grabbed my arm, swinging me around to face him. I looked up into those blue eyes and my heart broke in two. He might deny it all he wanted but I was just another notch in his bedpost. I died a little at the thought.
“Don’t touch me, Ryder.”
The blood drained from his face.
“Don’t leave,” he said, his throat working hard to swallow.
I yanked my arm away from him, the hurt and anger ripping at my insides. “Why can’t I leave? You got what you wanted, right?”
“Maddie…”
“You don’t want a relationship? Fine! I’ll make it easy on you. Don’t come near me again!” I threw over my shoulder as I flew out the door and down the steps.
Ryder followed one step behind me, barefoot. I shifted away from him when his hand snaked out to grab my arm again.
“You can’t just walk away! Damn it, I never wanted to hurt you!”
“TOO LATE!” I shouted.
Grasshoppers jumped out of my way as I ran down the dirt road. The heat was oppressive, pushing down on me like a blanket and making it hard to breath. Or maybe it was just the hurt shredding my heart into a million pieces that made it hard to breath.
“STOP!” he bellowed.
I stopped, keeping my back to him. My breathing was rapid and my hands were shaking. A burning sensation rushed into my face, either from the sun or from my boiling blood, I didn’t know.
I kept my eyes focused on his chest when he moved to stand in front of me. I couldn’t look into his face and see regret or pity. That would be the death of me.
“I’m sorry,” he said in a rugged voice. “God, I’m sorry, Maddie! Don’t push me away.”
The tears fell. My heart now lay shattered.
“I should have known that I was just a plaything for you! Something to fill your time! Or maybe I was simply a challenge. Is that it, Ryder? Whatever it was, I hope you had a good time because it isn’t happening again!” I cried, tears blurring my vision and running down my cheeks.
“You’re not…” His voice broke but I couldn’t listen to him, not anymore.
“I can’t do this anymore! I’m going home. To MY home!” I moved around him and started down the road again. I was going to pack my dad’s things and we were going home. We would figure out how to survive on our own and be just fine. I couldn’t be near Ryder anymore. It was impossible to resist him so I had to leave. Maybe then my heart could heal.
“You’re not going home!” he shouted, following me. “You want to see me pissed, just try to leave! If I have to, I’ll tie your ass down!”
“You have no right to tell me what to do!” I shouted back, wiping the tears away as I walked quicker.
“Really? I have no right to tell you what to do? How about all the fucking times I
’ve saved your butt?”
He was fuming mad but I continued walking.
“And how about the fact that I came inside of you two times?” he shouted.
I turned around to stare at him in astonishment.
“What?” I asked in shock. Where was he going with this?
He walked over to me, stopping an inch away. “What if you are pregnant? If you’re carrying my baby, I think I have a right to be concerned about you.”
I saw red. A hazy, madness infused, lost–my–mind kind of red. A lock–me–up–and–throw–away–the–key kind of red. Without thinking twice, I pulled back my fist and let it fly.
When my hand connected with his jaw, pain radiated up my arm from the impact on my broken finger. I saw stars and blackness pushed around my vision. Pulling my hand close to my chest in agony, I wavered on my feet.
“Shit!” Ryder exclaimed, reaching out to grab one of my arms and keep me on my feet. “Are you okay?”
The punch I landed on him was forgotten as he pulled my hand away from my chest to inspect it for damage. I cringed with excruciating pain when his fingers lightly touched the uncovered digit.
“Damn, Maddie, do you hate me that much?” he muttered under his breath, his hurt eyes flickering up to mine before examining my hand again.
I opened my mouth to tell him that I didn’t hate him; I hated what he was doing to me but loud cussing cut me off.
Gavin was jogging toward us, looking shocked. “What the hell is going on?” he asked, out of breath.
“Maddie just nailed me,” Ryder said, letting go of my hand to rub his jaw. His blue eyes blazed down at me but not with anger or frustration. Just sadness and regret.
“You probably deserved it,” Gavin said, turning to me. “You okay, Maddie?”
“Can you just take me home, Gavin? To my home?” I asked shakily, avoiding Ryder’s eyes.
Gavin glanced over at Ryder, looking for approval. Ryder shook his head no, frustrating me all over again. I was tired of Ryder always getting what he wanted, bossing me around like he was my keeper. He already had my heart, what more did he need?
“I’ll walk you back to the house, how about that?” Gavin said.
“I won’t bother you there, Maddie, I swear. But you have to promise me that you won’t go home. It’s not safe,” Ryder said, not hiding the threat behind his words.
I glared up at him. He was so scrumptious and irresistible that part of me wanted to promise him whatever he wanted but I stiffened my backbone. He already had gotten enough from me. I wouldn’t promise anything. My dad and I needed Janice and Roger but I was determined to do it on my own terms.
“I’ll stay with your parents but I don’t want to see you. Don’t touch me, don’t come near me, don’t talk to me. Just stay the hell away from me, Ryder.”
He studied me with pain–filled eyes, his mouth set in a grim line. Finally, he nodded once.
The tears fell faster down my face as I walked away. I just lost my best friend. The only man I ever loved. What was left of my heart was with him. I felt empty already.
Gavin kept a few feet behind me, not talking, just giving me space. I was glad. I just needed to be alone. My chest ached more and more with each step I took. I flicked a stray tear away. The hurting and utter destruction left by Ryder was killing me. This must be what it felt like to have your heart broken by someone.
Finally, the house came into view. I needed to compose myself. I couldn’t let my dad see me this way. The last thing he needed was to worry.
Gavin broke the silence, his voice soft. “He’s an ass, Maddie. He doesn’t deserve you.”
I wanted to argue. Ryder deserved me, someone who knew every secret he had and still loved him. I accepted him. Tattoos, bad attitude and all. But no matter how much I loved him, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t what he wanted. Why couldn’t I fall in love with someone like Gavin? Always a gentleman, Gavin offered a girl a future. He was not irritating, frustrating, and incapable of loving someone. But he was not Ryder.
“You want me to beat him up for you?” Gavin asked with a twinkle in his eye.
I couldn’t help but smile weakly. “Not today, Gavin, but I’ll let you know.”
“And there’s the Maddie that I know. I missed her,” he said, walking around me into the house.
I took a deep breath and followed him inside, ready to face my future without Ryder.
Chapter Twenty–Eight
For two weeks, Ryder and I avoided each other. Often, I would hear him outside, working with his dad and Gavin but he never stepped foot inside the house. He ate all his meals at home and spent any free time there as well.
Every time I heard his voice through the open windows, pain would shoot through me. Not once did he attempt to see or talk to me. I wanted to ask Gavin if Ryder ever asked about me but I was terrified of what his answer might be.
No one questioned what happened between us. I’m positive that they knew but I was thankful not to have to talk about it. I couldn’t.
I lost plenty of sleep during those two weeks. Each night, instead of sleeping, I replayed the words he said and the passion we shared. I cursed myself for being such a fool. I cursed Ryder for being cold.
I cursed life.
During the day, Janice kept me busy. She taught me how to make bread from their stock of flour. We canned the last of the vegetables from her garden, getting what we could before winter hit. Wanting to conserve food, the men shot squirrels or deer for fresh meat. Occasionally, someone would go fishing. Our meals were cooked outside in a fire pit set into the ground. Showers were lukewarm, but at least I was clean. And the outhouse was finished so no more trips to the bushes, thank goodness.
Because of the Delaney’s, my father and I had food, water, supplies, and enough candles and lanterns to last a long time. Without them, I’m not sure my dad and I would still be alive.
My dad’s health declined rapidly in those two weeks. He had more trouble walking around and was losing weight quickly. To my horror, I watched his appetite slowly disappear over a matter of days. I refused to face the realization that he was dwindling away before my eyes and there was nothing I could do.
The only communication we had with the outside world came from the shortwave radio that Roger would listen to at night. The news was always the same — the government couldn’t get supplies to people, the military was spread thin, and millions were dying. Information about the war was nonexistent. We were in the dark, literally and figuratively.
~~~~
One sunny afternoon, I was walking out of the barn when Ryder’s Bronco pulled into the driveway. He jumped out and strolled purposely toward the house without seeing me in the barn doorway.
I froze. My heart raced and my nerve endings came alive for the first time in weeks. He looked wonderful in a white t–shirt, jeans, and scuffed cowboy boots. The ever–present baseball cap was pulled low, hiding his eyes from the glare of the sun. His smooth, freshly shaved jaw was clenched tight with tension. Something was on his mind.
After he went inside, I stood indecisive. Should I go inside or wait until he was gone? I hadn’t been in the same room with him in fourteen days. I wasn’t sure if I could hold up under the torment it would cause.
I chastised myself. I was a grown woman. No man (no matter how good looking and irresistible) was going to stop me from doing what I wanted.
Taking a deep breath, I strolled to the back door, giving myself a pep talk. I’m strong. I can resist him. I’ll just act as if nothing is wrong.
Opening the door, I stepped into the large kitchen. The darkness of the room momentarily blinded me after being in the sunlight for so long.
When my eyes adjusted, I could see that everyone was there. In the far corner of the room stood Ryder, his arms crossed over his chest in a defensive manner. His blue eyes flicked over to me. I felt heat run through my body, unrelenting and powerful. His eyes slowly traveled down my body and back up to meet my eyes. After a second, he
looked away, dismissing me without a second thought.
Against my better judgment, my body wanted him again with a passion and need that scared me. I tried to ignore him but my heart kicked into overdrive and I felt an uncontrollable yearning to be near him again.
“Well, let’s do this then,” Roger said on a sigh. “I’ll gather a few supplies and we can head out.”
They were leaving? I frantically looked around for someone to tell me what was going on.
Janice answered my unspoken question. “The boys are going into town. There are some rumors that things have gotten bad there.”
“I’m going!” I said with urgency.
“NO!” Gavin and Roger responded at the same time.
“I have to make sure Eva is okay.”
“It’s not safe, Maddie. You’re staying here,” Gavin snapped with frustration.
My eyes moved to Ryder who was staring at the floor, clenching his strong jaw. He refused to look at me and that stung. A lot. I knew he was fuming right now but I didn’t care. My friends were out there, possibly starving. I wasn’t going to sit here and do nothing.
“I’m going. Don’t try to stop me.”
“Mom, talk some sense into your little protégé,” Gavin said with exasperation.
I bristled at his new pet name for me. He had decided it was funny because I was always following his mom around, trying to learn everything I could from her.
“I’m going,” I stated stubbornly, practically stomping my feet.
“No.”
Ryder’s voice was like a gunshot going off in the room, causing me to jump in fright. No one messed with Ryder when he sounded like that, including me.
Without looking at me, he walked over to the table and pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband. He laid it on the wooden table in front of his mom.
“For Maddie,” he said, his voice hard.