“NO! NO!” I cried, hugging him fiercely.
Time passed but I still stayed by his side. Janice tried to move me away but I shrugged her off.
“I have to stay with him,” I said, absently.
Janice backed away and didn’t try to touch me again. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there. The heat was unbearable but I didn’t care. Roger and Gavin came and went but Janice and Ryder stayed with me.
“Maddie, it’s getting dark. We need to bury him,” Ryder said, only inches away from me.
“No.”
“Maddie, you know we have to do this,” he said, softly. “Dad and Gavin dug a spot by the old oak tree.”
The tears fell down my face harder as his words broke through my sorrow. My dad loved that old oak tree. He had said that it looked so proud all alone in a field of grass. At one time, there was an old rope swing that hung from one of its branches. He had spent many hours pushing me. I could still feel his hands on my back, pushing me higher into the sky. Closing my eyes, I would lean back and let the sun warm my face. He would laugh and say that I looked like his little angel flying through the air. He would want to be buried under that tree, on the land that he loved.
“That’s the perfect place, Ryder,” I whispered around my tears.
“He once told me that he hoped to hang another swing in that tree for his grandchildren and push them, just like he did you,” he said, his voice catching.
My tears fell silently now. My dad once told me that he hoped Ryder and I gave him plenty of grandchildren to spoil. I was eighteen at the time and thought he was crazy for believing that Ryder and I would marry. When I said exactly that to my dad, he smiled and said that God worked in mysterious ways.
Ryder reached over and brushed a tear away from my cheek. His eyes ran from the top of my forehead to my chin, studying each of my features. I saw his jaw clench in anger as he gazed at my bruised face. Taking a deep breath, he slowly rose to his feet and reached down to help me up.
I glanced around, noticing my surroundings for the first time. A shiver raced down my spine. Apparently, the men had drove Eva’s truck to get here. It sat just a few yards away. Ryder’s Bronco sat at a weird angle in the driveway, looking as if he had left it in a hurry. The truck that I had driven was still loaded down with supplies, waiting to leave. Everything had happened so quickly that I was still trying to make sense of it all.
Ryder took a step back when his mom walked over to hug me.
“I’m so sorry, Maddie.”
“Did they hurt him?” I asked, needing to know the truth. When she pulled away to look at me, I saw that her eyes were swollen from crying.
“No, he wasn’t hurt. I think he had another stroke. When I got here with the boys, he was lying down where he’s at now.”
“I tried to get to him!” I cried around new tears.
She wrapped her arms around me again and cradled the back of my head like she would a baby’s.
“I know, honey, I know,” she said, holding me while I cried.
~~~~
We buried him right before sunset. By the time the sun went down, Gavin was shoveling the last bit of dirt on his grave. I numbly stood by Ryder. He held his baseball cap, fidgeting with the brim the entire time while Janice quoted scriptures from the Bible.
I couldn’t have asked for a better funeral for him. The birds chirped in the tree overhead and insects buzzed around us. A summer breeze rushed through the branches and leaves above us. The sounds of nature were his funeral music and I thought it was beautiful.
Ryder promised me that the other two men were not buried on our land. I didn’t ask what they did with them. I didn’t care.
I didn’t want to leave my dad here alone, but knew I couldn’t stay by myself. He wouldn’t want me to.
Janice and Roger each drove a truck back. I didn’t ask who I should ride with; I wanted to be with Ryder. I needed my best friend right now.
I never heard him walk up as I waited by his Bronco. When he lightly touched my elbow, I jumped away in fright.
“Let’s go, Maddie,” he said, clenching his jaw hard as he coolly stared down at me.
I wanted to tell him that he didn’t scare me. That I knew he would never hurt me. It was the memory of Greasy’s hands — touching, jerking, grasping — that still sent terror through me. But I couldn’t speak. The words just wouldn’t push past the lump in my throat.
Ryder radiated coldness as he helped me into the passenger seat and slammed the door shut. Getting in the driver’s side, he started the Bronco without a word or glance at me.
As we drove out of the yard, I kept my eyes on the grave until it could no longer be seen. My tears turned into sobs as I left my dad behind.
~~~~
Back at Janice and Roger’s house, the men were unloading my supplies while Janice tried to get me to eat something.
“You need to eat, Maddie. You’ve already lost too much weight,” she pleaded. Like any good southern woman, Janice thought that food would heal any sadness or tragedy.
I shook my head no to her prodding as I watched blackness descend outside the window.
I hadn’t spoken since we left my house. I was still trying to come to terms with the fact that my dad was no longer alive. At any moment, I expected him to stroll into the kitchen and smile at me. He would tell me that everything would be okay and not to cry.
I swiped a lone tear away as Ryder walked into the kitchen, interrupting my thoughts. He had on that damn ball cap again with the brim pulled down low but I could still see his eyes quickly flash my way before moving to look at his mom.
“We’ve got everything unloaded, Mom,” he said, his voice sounding scratchy.
“Okay, hon. Come in and eat some dinner before you run off,” Janice said, going around the kitchen to light a few candles. She didn’t mention the fact that it had been two weeks since he had eaten with us. I felt guilty that I was the guest here and I had kicked her own son out.
Ryder took a seat at the table, looking everywhere but at me. He seemed unapproachable and cold, his back rigid against the chair. As his mom gathered food, Ryder and I sat in silence. I knew I should get up and help her but I couldn’t gather the energy. I just wanted to sit here and not think.
A few moments later, Gavin and Roger sauntered into the kitchen and sat down around the table. The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. No one spoke as Janice placed canned vegetables and canned chili in the middle of the candlelit table. Everyone started loading their plates. Everyone but me. I just kept my gaze outside the window, the total darkness now obstructing my view.
“You eating?” Gavin asked, pausing before putting a spoonful of chili in his mouth.
I shook my head, my eyes never leaving the window.
“I can’t get her to eat anything. She’ll end up sick by the time winter gets here,” Janice complained.
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t. Would I ever eat again? Food held no appeal for me. My stomach revolted at the thought of eating. From the corner of my eye, I saw Ryder watching me. I could literally feel those icy blue eyes drilling into me sharply.
Trying to ignore the heat from his stare, I looked down at my hands. Startled, I noticed that there was dried blood underneath my short fingernails. My heart rate kicked up, making me woozy. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! My mind started running wild. It was still on me! The blood was still on me! I frantically looked down, expecting to see blood all over my shirt.
Feeling the hysteria rise up again, I jumped up, causing my chair to fly backwards. Everyone stared at me with stunned expressions but I didn’t care.
“I’ve got to take a shower!” I said, rushing from the room. No one followed me as I hurried down the long hallway.
Blood! There was blood everywhere! I could feel it! I could smell it! I had to hurry before it soaked into my skin!
After grabbing some clothes and a lantern, I ran out of the house, stripping clothes off along the way.
The sh
ower stall was a few feet from the house; close enough to be safe but far enough away to provide some privacy. Since the sun heated the water and it was now dark, the water was probably lukewarm. For now, all I needed was water no matter what the temperature.
I scrubbed my fingers and chest as hard as I could under the trickle of water. With only lantern light to see by, I wasn’t sure all the blood was washing off but I scrubbed until there was no water left. The small nicks on my abdomen started bleeding again but I didn’t pay attention to them. If I looked too long, I might just sit down and cry myself to death.
My broken finger was still splinted but I had learned to use my hand despite the bandage. I rubbed myself dry quickly and pulled on clean clothes under the yellow glow of the lantern. As I was walking up the porch steps, I heard arguing coming from the house.
“She’s going with me!”
It was Ryder, sounding angry and fighting mad.
“Hell, no! She’s hurting right now and doesn’t need you messing with her!” Gavin yelled.
“You don’t think I know she’s hurting?” Ryder shouted. "I know her better than anyone!"
“She’s scared to death of anyone touching her and you can’t keep your goddamn hands off of her!” I heard Gavin spit in fury.
“Boys…” Roger said, threateningly.
“I stayed away from her for two freakin’ weeks!” Ryder snapped coldly.
“Maybe she should stay here, Ryder, after everything she’s been through,” Janice interjected, her voice calm among all the anger.
“No. I’m not letting her out of my sight again. She’s going home with me,” Ryder said, determined.
I swallowed hard.
“Why? Two weeks too long for you to go, Ryder?” Gavin asked, sarcastically. "Gotta have it all the time and Maddie’s convenient?"
I flinched.
Suddenly, I heard a chair fall and someone shouting. The sounds of a scuffle erupted from the house.
I darted up the steps and flung open the door, afraid of what I would find.
Ryder had his brother pinned on the floor. His fist punched Gavin again and again, frustration and anger behind every hit. But Gavin fought back, plowing his fists into Ryder’s ribs, hard and quick.
Roger jumped into the mix, trying to pull the two apart. He only succeeded in getting himself thrown off balance and pushed away. Janice watched the fighting with panic, wringing her hands helplessly.
I felt ill when I saw the blood gushing from Gavin’s nose when Ryder continued to hammer his face.
This had to stop.
Suddenly, Gavin was back on his feet and had Ryder pinned up against the wall. One hand held Ryder immobile while the other pulverized Ryder’s face. The sound of flesh hitting flesh rang in my ears, making me flinch every time Gavin’s fist connected with Ryder’s jaw or cheekbone. Roger and Janice were shouting at Gavin to stop but he didn’t hear them. Instead, his punches landed quicker and harder.
Between hits, Ryder’s eyes meet mine from across the room. His arms dropped to his side and I saw him go limp, no longer fighting. He was giving up.
Gavin didn’t notice but continued to slam his fists into Ryder without mercy.
With one powerful blow, blood gushed out of Ryder’s nose, covering his face and shirt. As Janice cried out, my stomach rolled at the sight of blood. Please, no more!
I realized that Gavin was beating Ryder to a pulp and Ryder was not going to fight back. Another minute of this and Ryder wouldn’t be standing.
Roger and Janice couldn’t separate them. I probably couldn’t either but I was determined to end it. We had all had enough violence for one day. No more.
I was next to Ryder in seconds. Wedging myself between him and Gavin, I planted myself between them. Gavin ignored me and grabbed a handful of Ryder’s shirt, yanking him closer. I was thrown back against Ryder’s steel body as Gavin drew back his arm for another strike.
I was right in the line of fire.
Ryder flew into action, breaking Gavin’s hold on him before grabbing my arm and pushing me out of the way.
“You gonna fucking hit her?” he roared, shoving Gavin away.
Gavin stumbled back against the table, glaring at Ryder.
“You know I wouldn’t!”
“Hell, right you wouldn’t or you would be dead!”
“STOP IT, BOYS!” Janice shouted, stepping between them. “I’ll not have fights or threats made in my house!”
Ryder wiped his bloody nose on his shirtsleeve, his eyes never leaving Gavin’s. I wanted to feel brave and strong but when I saw the blood, my stomach revolted.
I turned and ran out the back door as fast as possible. I barely made it to the grass before my stomach emptied what little it had in it. Crouching on my knees in the damp grass, I didn’t hear Janice and Ryder behind me until they were both at my side. Cringing, I pushed Ryder away when he touched me. If I smelled blood or even looked at it, I was afraid I would throw up repeatedly until my throat was raw.
Ryder moved away, giving me space. But I could still smell the blood on him.
Janice gently rubbed my back as I started to dry heave. “It’s okay, Maddie,” she whispered as wretched sounds escaped me.
I shook my head in denial as I fought off another wave of nausea. It wasn’t okay! This whole thing was so screwed up that I couldn’t think straight anymore. The world was falling apart around me and I was going down with it.
My heart ached when Ryder rose quietly and walked away. I wanted him beside me. I needed him with me but I was afraid. Would I ever forget what happened?
“You don’t have to go with him,” Janice said as she brushed strands of hair away from my face.
“No, I want to go with him,” I said. I only felt safe with Ryder. It was that simple.
She smiled. “I believe for the first time in his life, Ryder is in love.”
I wanted to tell her that I wished that were true, that I loved her son with my whole being but heavy footsteps interrupted us.
“Let’s go,” Ryder said in a cold voice, standing above me stiffly.
I looked up at him under the moonlight and cringed at the sight of his face. His right eye was bloodshot and the skin around it was bruised and already swelling. There was crusted blood under his nose and his full bottom lip was split and swollen. He kept his eyes locked on the far distance, refusing to meet my eyes.
I rose unsteadily to my feet, wobbling some when the world spun around me. Without waiting, Ryder started walking toward the Bronco. It was then that I saw he had my backpack slung over his wide shoulder.
What was I doing? He didn’t want a relationship and here I was going home with him. In a normal world, moving in together was a huge step. Of course, we were no longer living in a normal world.
Chapter Thirty–Two
We drove down the dirt road with only the Bronco’s headlights and the bright moon lighting our way. Only the sounds of crickets and the wind whipping through the open windows could be heard. It was a lonely silence, filled with misery and sorrow.
Ryder kept his eyes locked straight ahead. Not once did he glance at me or acknowledge my presence.
Leaning against the door, I turned my face away and let the tears fall. My dad was gone. Life would never be the same. I would never be the same.
Soon we were pulling up next to Ryder’s house. I wiped the tears off of my cheeks and climbed out of the Bronco on shaky legs. Ryder yanked my backpack and a shotgun out of the backseat, the tension still rolling off his body in waves. He turned his cold eyes on me briefly before trudging toward the front door.
Without speaking, we entered the empty house. Without lighting a candle or using a flashlight, Ryder disappeared down the dark hallway. I followed, moving slower as I felt my way through the darkness.
His bedroom was pitch black but my eyes adjusted quickly. Standing in the doorway, I watched him throw my backpack on his bed. Without a word, he passed me in the doorway, making sure not to touch me. I was
left standing in the room, feeling more alone than I ever had before.
When the front door slammed shut, I jumped, the sound reminding me of gunshots. Terror had my heart pounding, remembering the horror of earlier.
My legs suddenly felt shaky and unable to support me. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I looked around the room. Would Ryder and I ever be the same again or would we just live here without talking to each other? Two people tolerating each other? But no matter what, I would rather be here than anywhere else.
Ryder returned carrying the bag of my clothes. After putting it in the closet, he turned, his eyes on me.
“You can have the bedroom. I’ll sleep on the couch,” he said. “I know you don’t want to have anything to do with me and I can’t blame you but I want you here. I have to know you’re safe.”
I nodded, my throat closing with unshed tears. I should have told him he was wrong — I wanted to be here and I needed him right now but instead, I stood quietly and averted my eyes from his blood–covered shirt.
Walking over to the closet, he yanked a shirt and a pair of shorts out, his motions angry.
“I’m heading to the creek for a bath. Yell if you need me.” The sharpness in his voice matched his stride as he walked out of the room.
I stood in the dark, suddenly exhausted. I just wanted to go to sleep and forget everything. Forget the men attacking me, forget my dad dying, forget all the blood and terror around me.
Feeling lethargic, I exchanged my clothes for a t–shirt that hit me mid–thigh. Knowing Ryder wasn’t in the house, I crept along the hallway to the bathroom. In the dark, I brushed my teeth without water and avoided looking at myself in the mirror. By the time I crawled into Ryder’s bed, all my energy was gone.
When I pulled the covers over me, the smell of him surrounded me, cocooning me in comfort and reminding me of all that was lost.
Turning onto my side, the tears started to fall, one after the other. I may never stop crying. I squeezed my eyes shut, needing to block everything out. If sleep would just come, I could escape it all.