ERROYL:
I have been thoroughly prodded, flipped turned and held in so many positions today I am somewhat dizzy, why does that counter clerk allow such unfettered touching of me, and do you see the ages. Mere youths, Ha god love them, all a quiver as each page enthrals them with new positions, angles and thrusts that well really only a man of my dimensions would ever be able to achieve.
Even my last time I was here I got handled more times than a new babies cheeks. I do think the title “Increase the size of your tools” was a bit of a gimmick! What did all those men think it meant?
I was a Construction Equipment Manual after all.
Here comes a likely buyer now! All of seventeen years old, roughened facial skin like a gravel road. Can you see those pale sweaty hands oozing testosterone all over my antique cover? Can you?
IAN:
Yes Errol, It’s like the foamy froth on that dogs tongue on the cover of
“Hunting for your Pet” just over there. Soon he will salivate off all the words on your beautiful jacket.
Till all that’s left is the skeletal remains of the words Karma Sutra. Haa Eh! Erroyl?.....Erroyl?
JAN:
He’s gone love, off to some darkened teenager’s lair, away from a poor mothers prying eyes. Erroyl’s off to be proudly paraded around at a cold school, in boy’s smelly locker rooms, exposed to selected friends in hallowed halls. Purposely left opened, on the most erotic of the pages, glued to a young ladies desk, so as to embarrass her into blushing, and running, crying out of the class room. He has become the object of adolescent masculine bullying and the visual assistance in relief of pent up sexual frustrations.
Jan (Cont.) 5
Jan (Cont.)
They will never really appreciate the finesse and the joy of the exquisite lovemaking described within those sacred pages. Centuries of coital pleasuring. The biting and scratching of flesh the viral actions of the woman encompassing her husband’s erect penis inside her, the slapping, the caressing the moaning. Whilst reciting poetry, to heighten the couples explosive emotional release simutainiously.Aware of the hidden dangers whilst remaining always conscious of virtue and avoiding the foolishness of blinding passion. Educating and liberating them at the same time.
Dharma: Artha: Kama: Moksha. Now hidden in a small box in a boy’s room in Newtown.
I hope when he returns next, Erroyl has no memory of it, Maybe a stint as a dictionary will help him find the words to express the pain.
IAN:
Is that really what will happen to him? Will he be ok? I mean I could think of nothing worse than to be the object of some young bloke’s horny desires. All that young guy did was look and stare, getting that crazy glazed expression all over his dial. Then Erroyls snatched up and slyly slid onto the counter.
Face down no less, I know that when I get purchased I will be displayed to all in sight, my new owners won’t be so humiliated to as even ask for a brown paper bag like that kid did, no way!
JAN:
He is alright love I’ve known him a long time and he has gotten himself in some very strange predicaments but he always seems to be recovered.
IAN:
What’s for dinner? Sue I am starving, I been left open on page 34, the 1993 State of Origin, for hours. I was a physical mess after that game; they always stop around there, 1993-1995 always leaving me ragged from having to reinact the photos in here.
JAN:
Think yourself lucky you’re not Tom and Huck over there, poor pathetic souls, being scratched into oblivion. But I do get a sense that Tom may be enjoying the attention.
As for dinner, I am starting with-
“Swordfish terrine with foie gras, lightly glazed with soy sauce, pink radish maki.”
Followed by:
“Blue lobster Savarin, Flavoured with tarragon, thin jelly of celery and granny smith.
Finishing with
Light crème of glazed chestnut from Turin, bourbon vanilla veloute, in an Almond meringue.
Side dishes of Fromages Affines.
All served with Wines from the chateau.
IAN
A pie, peas and mash potato, smothered in gravy and a frozen V.B... Anywhere in the menu on your glossy overpriced pages? Jeez! Jan, if I eat that ritzy stuff, I won’t have the energy to bend over and you do a lot of bending over in my trade.
JAN:
Not in my exclusive Pages, there is certainly not! Does my cover not say?
“The greatest Menus of the Ritz Paris”?
And not Grill and Swill at “Harry De Wheels
IAN
Sorry Jan! Jan? Jan?
Where has she gone? oh! There she is over there being carted out by that woman and her chauffer, well doesn’t look like she eats at all that one, legs like corner posts.. Still a couple feeds of fax grax will pump up her triceps and quads I am guessing. Hello looks like I have caught the eyes of a couple ofclean cut, muscled dudes, Yeah boys come over here and buy me,, let’s go play footy,, that’s it flick away look at all the photos of me and the fun footy gives ya! Please don’t stop on page 34, I am too exhausted to go thru that again,,,, yes that’s it, keep going page35-36-37, that’s it boys get to the end. Hey! Wait a minute what’s this? I am not doing that pose,,,,or that! Hey wait! Where did these Marriage photos of me and that bloke come from? Coming out! Who’s Coming out? Why am I naked? Dancing with the what? Oh no! Put me down! Put me down! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.Help! I’m being Gay Napped!
TOM :(V.O.)
Scratch this Roberts! Looks like your; going to be sniffed all over tonight by your two new infatuated male recruits. Now what game is it you played again sir? Hide the Pig skin?
IAN
(Addressing the voice off stage)
I hope you come back as three rolls of unbleached Sorbent, Sawyer,
TOM:
Sore and bent is your career choice, I hope you like your pages gooey and stuck together lover boy, Bye Bye.
“Damn you Scratch and Sniff books.
Stop it! You god damn feral varmints stop scratching me feet… HAAAA Oooooooowwwwwwww. Stop Dammit!
End
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