“Hello.” Julia’s voice was timid and her eyes wide as I sat on the edge of bed.
“How are you feeling?” I asked in a low tone, trying to keep my voice steady. Emotions flooded through me at record speed and I was struggling with each and every one. I was aching to touch her, to hold her close, but I couldn’t behave like we were lovers. No matter how much I was dying to.
“I’m pretty sore. My side really hurt and my head is throbbing.” She was hesitant and uncertain in her response.
I longed to touch her face, but moved slowly and took her hand instead, my fingers going to the inside of her wrist to check her pulse. It was steady and strong, and I glanced at the dry board where the nurses kept track of her other vitals. Her blood pressure was perfect and most of the beeping machines had been disconnected.
“I’ll tell the nurses to get you some medication to manage the pain.” I checked the charts and saw that Dr. Brighton had prescribed Vicodin. “We want to get you up for a short walk soon and will need the medicine to kick in before that. It might make you a little sleepy, but that will be better than the pain you’d feel without it. We have to get the circulation in your legs going. The sooner you get up and about, the sooner you’ll get out of here.” I tried to reassure her in calming tones but felt like I was babbling. I needed to let her lead any personal conversation.
Her eyes followed my every move. She didn’t look scared, but Julia searched my face for something I couldn’t quite comprehend. It was difficult because I knew her so well and it was usually easy to read her emotions.
“Are you…my doctor?” Her eyes moved over my scrubs and the stethoscope hanging around my neck, then back up to my face.
I tried to lift my lips in a small smile, but my heart squeezed in pain. She doesn’t remember me at all.
“Hmmph,” I let my breath out in barely veiled frustration as I pulled up a chair and sat down next to her bed. “No, Julia. I mean, I’m a fourth year med student and I will be a doctor in a few months, but I’m your…” I stopped and considered what to say. “I’m…” I didn’t want to lie but didn’t want to cause harm or to overwhelm her. “We’ve been friends a long time. Don’t you remember me at all?”
Her eyes widened again as I said the words but she shook her head. She looked apologetic, like she felt bad for me. “Ellie mentioned you. You must be Ryan.”
It wasn’t a question. I nodded and tried to swallow the lump in my throat, looking down at my lap briefly, not wanting her to see the pain behind my eyes. My throat was aching when I tried to speak.
“It’s normal that you might forget a few things for a while. You had a nasty head injury. You will remember everything in time, okay, honey? I’m just so glad you’re going to recover.” I couldn’t help myself, I finally reached out then and moved my fingers along her jaw as she nodded but did not recoil from my touch. “So many people love you and are here to help you. Jen and Aaron, Ellie and Harris, your parents and mine.”
“I don’t remember all of them either. I do remember Ellie from college. And my mom and dad.”
“Do you remember Elyse, Aaron, Jenna or Gabriel?” She shook her head slightly and sadness washed her face. As horrible as I felt, it had to be more confusing and frightening for her. Every instinct told me to pull her to me and comfort her, to soothe her fears with soft caresses and kisses. I clenched my teeth against the urge and just focused on her words.
“No. Gabriel has a very good bedside manner, though. He seems like a very good doctor.” She looked up from under her lids. Her right arm moved across her stomach and was rubbing on her left wrist under the edge of the sling.
“Gabriel is my father and is the most renowned neurosurgeon in Chicago.” An astonished expression flashed across her face and I smiled at her, taking her hand in mine. “See? We spared no expense to get you better. He and my mother, Elyse, flew in immediately. Aaron is my brother and Jenna, his girlfriend. Aaron is at Harvard with me and Jen is a nurse here. She was part of the trauma team that worked on you when you came in on Wednesday night.”
“Is Chicago where you grew up?” I nodded shortly, agonizing internally because I had to tell her things she already knew. Julia knew everything; knew me better than I knew myself and it hurt that she didn’t remember all we’d shared. I sucked in my breath and she continued, still watching me closely. “You and Gabe look alike. I can see it in the eyes, but you have your mother’s coloring.”
“You’re very observant. That’s an excellent sign,” I said tightly.
“What’s causing this?”
“At this point, we’re not sure. We’ll do another MRI this morning to make sure that there isn’t any problem with fluids. Most likely, it’s just due to the blunt trauma you suffered or just the shock of the whole ordeal. I don’t want you to stress over it. I’m sure it’s only temporary and you’re going to be just fine.”
She still looked worried but nodded. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Hey. You might not want to remember everything. We fight a lot and Aaron teases you constantly.” The corners of my mouth lifted in the start of a grin.
She smiled and cocked her head to one side. “Why would we fight?”
“Because…you’re so damn stubborn, of course. You tell me I’m a moody ass.” I laughed and her smile widened. “Truthfully, we don’t fight that much, but when we do, watch out! It’s usually a blow out.”
“Hmmm…Do I win?” Her mood was lightening. She bit her lip and looked at me through veiled eyes.
“Yes. But, only because I let you.” We both burst out laughing and for the first time in days, my heart relaxed, the tightness in my chest subsiding. She grimaced against the pain laughing caused her broken ribs.
“Oh, I’m sorry, honey. I shouldn’t have made you laugh.”
“No. That’s okay. It’s good. I mean, yeah, it hurt, but…it was worth it.”
Her hand worried back and forth on her wrist with increasing urgency and I stopped her movements with my own. “Are you having pain in your wrist, Julia?” I asked in concern. She had several IV’s and one of the veins could have collapsed. My fingers skirted over the skin as I turned her hand over and examined where the needle was inserted. There wasn’t any evidence of a problem.
“No…it’s weird; I just feel…” she glanced down and then back up at my face, “Something’s wrong with my wrist. It doesn’t hurt, but it feels like something is wrong. I know it’s strange.” She rolled her eyes and tried to shrug but grimaced in pain instead. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”
My heart leapt at her words. Yeah, it was nothing alright, except the bracelet that was now in my top dresser drawer with her engagement ring. She was missing it. Hope surged and I smiled broadly, causing her to smile back at me.
“What?” she asked softly through her smile.
I shook my head. “Nothing. Try not to move too much for a few days. Your shoulder will feel better soon, but your ribs will take a month or two before you’re completely without pain. All we can do for them is tape you up and limit your movements.” I stood up and pressed the button for the nurse’s station. “Can you please bring the pain meds Dr. Brighton ordered for Miss Abbott?”
“Sure, Ryan,” the voice on the intercom answered.
“Julia, I’m supposed to go to work, but I’ll come back to check on you several times today, okay?” Her face fell a little. “Sweetie, if you don’t want me to go, I won’t. You’re my favorite patient, you know.”
She bit her lip again, uncertainty in her eyes.
“No…That’s okay. I wouldn’t want you to do that. This is part of school, right?” When I nodded, she continued. “I don’t want to mess up your classes and have you fall behind because of me. I’m…I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure?” Truthfully, I didn’t want to leave, but I knew that once her memory returned, Julia would kick my ass if I screwed up graduating after we’d both sacrificed so much. Especially now that she was going to recover and so many others were with her, she
’d want me to take care of my obligations.
“Yes. You don’t have to come back for my walk either. Dad can help me.”
“Julia,” I admonished her. “I want to help you, okay?”
She smirked. “Okay. Is this you being a moody ass?” she quipped.
“Uh…yeah,” I acknowledged. “And, no more arguments from your stubborn ass.” We both were laughing lightly.
“Okay.”
“You will have them page me when it’s time for your walk, right?” I cupped her face in my hand and bent down to kiss her forehead, closing my eyes as I felt her warm skin beneath my lips.
“Okay. Take your time. Obviously, I’m not going anywhere.” There was fear behind her eyes, even as she tried to joke around.
I took her hand and looked at her seriously. “Julia, I know this is a little scary, but it will pass, okay? Do you trust me?”
“Yes. I mean, I don’t even know you, but…I feel like I can trust you.”
I smiled and held her hand. “That’s because you do know me, honey. I’ll never let anything hurt you, I promise.” It was the truth, but I felt like I was lying to her by not telling her what we really meant to each other. She swallowed and her eyes burned into mine, holding my gaze. I felt as if I were drowning and the only way to save myself was to kiss her mouth and share her breath.
“Later, when you come back, will you tell me about us? About the time I’ve lost? I’d like to remember.” Her eyes were soft and searching and she was slightly trembling.
“You will. I promise, okay? You just need time. Until then, we’re all here for you.” I brushed my thumb along her jaw line in a whisper soft touch and bent to kiss her forehead. “I’m so happy you’re okay. Shit, I was scared. I don’t know what I would have done,” I said against her skin and breathed in her scent. Her little hand wrapped around my wrist and as I pulled back from her I squeezed her hand.
“We must be really good friends. You make me feel…very safe and happy. It was nice to meet you.”
My heart squeezed painfully again. “You mean it was nice to see me. And yes, we’re very close.”
She smiled and nodded. “Okay, yeah.”
“Get some rest and do your best not to move too suddenly, okay sweetheart?”
“Doctor’s orders?” she asked softly and looked up at me with her large green eyes.
“Nope. Ryan’s orders. I’ll be back later,” I said as I forced myself toward the door. The nurse with the pain medication walked in as I left to go find the others.
In the hallway I was greeted with another doctor that I didn’t recognize. He didn’t work in trauma, so I’d never seen him before. He was a few inches shorter than me with dark hair and broad shoulders, maybe in his early thirties.
“Ryan Matthews?” he asked.
“Yeah?” I put my hands on my hips as I stopped in front of him. “And you are?”
“Dr. Spencer Moore. Tom Brighton asked me to consult on the Abbott case.”
“Nice to meet you, Dr. Moore.” I extended a hand and he shook it warmly. “Consult in what capacity?”
“I’m a psychologist and psychotherapist. He explained to me that Miss Abbott had a bad accident involving a head injury, and also lost a child, is that correct?”
I’d managed to push that misery to the back of my mind, but now the pain came back in a rush. I pinched the bridge of my nose as my eyes closed. I quickly opened them and focused on his face. “Yes. She has several injuries.”
“And memory loss?” I nodded and he continued, “Well, after the MRI we’ll know more, but Tom feels, based on the previous two, there is probably no physical reason and so it may be psychological. Probably the loss of the child. I’m just here to counsel her and help her talk through any feelings of confusion she might have. Basically, to help her cope to the point that she regains her memory.”
I didn’t say anything for a moment and the silence was getting uncomfortable. I rubbed the back of my neck. “Ryan, I’m told the young lady is your fiancée, so am I correct in assuming that the child was yours?”
I dropped my eyes and nodded once. “Yes, it was mine.”
“I’m so sorry for you both. If you need to talk, please feel free to call me. It’s important to let her remember on her own and since you can’t talk with Julia about this, you may need an outlet.” He handed me his card with his office numbers.
“Thank you. My family is here, and I’m really just trying to concentrate on Julia right now, but maybe. I appreciate the offer.”
“Julia…” he said her name and raised an eyebrow. “A beautiful name.”
“She’s beautiful in every way. She’s perfect.”
“She’s lucky to have someone so devoted. This could be a tough road and she’ll need all the support she can get. I’m going to go introduce myself to her now. I’ll keep you in the loop.”
“Thanks. I have to get to my rotation. I’ll check in several times today. Nice to meet you.”
We shook hands and I turned to leave at the same time my mother and Ellie returned from down the hall.
“How did it go?” Elyse asked gently. The concern on her face very apparent and I tried to reassure her.
“Pretty well, I think. She’s alert and her eyes are clear. She’s going to be fine, Mom.” I ran a hand over my face as my eyes blurred. “She’ll be fine,” I said again, more to myself than to her.
“Are you okay?” Her worried eyes were skeptical.
I nodded. “The most important thing is that Julia is alive. I have faith that her memory will come back, so it’s a waiting game. Dad and the other doctors don’t want us to tell her too much. It’s best to just let her remember at her own pace.”
Ellie grabbed my hand. I knew what was coming next. “Ryan…” she began hesitantly but I didn’t want to get into this conversation right now. I had to do my rounds and didn’t need to fall apart.
“It’s okay. I know what you’re going to say,” I said tightly as my jaw clenched and she squeezed my hand again.
“I’ve never seen anyone as in love as Julia is with you, sweetie. There is no way she’s going to forget all you’ve meant to each other. I know she’ll remember.” Her voice was cracking but her eyes never left my face.
“Thank you, Ellie. I know. That’s what I’m holding onto right now.”
“She wanted that baby so much. She was so happy; Ryan. All thoughts of leaving you and going to Paris were gone. All she wanted was to see you. She was bursting to tell you…couldn’t wait to get to Boston…” her voice dropped off.
The tightness in my throat threatened to choke me and I blinked at the burning tears that wanted to invade my eyes. I nodded and put my hand over my eyes, using my thumb to wipe away a tear before it could fall. I felt Ellie’s arms slide around my waist and my mother’s hand rested between my shoulder blades. “Uhngggg…” I tried to clear the tears from my voice and I swallowed hard. “I’m so pissed! It’s not fucking fair, is it?”
Her arms tightened and she pressed her face into my chest and shook her head. “You’ll have more babies with Julia, Ryan. And, they’ll be perfect.”
If I didn’t untangle from her and get to work, I was going to lose it. My hands closed on her shoulders and moved her out of my embrace before I angrily brushed another errant tear from my face. “Look, Ellie, I have to stop being such a pussy and get to work. I told Julia I’d be back for her walk, so I really need to get going.”
A look of understanding spread across Ellie’s face. “Okay. We can help if you don’t get back.”
“Thank you, but I want to be there for her. See you later.” I turned and walked away. There was no way I wouldn’t be back in time. I wanted Julia to know she could count on me. Paul and Marin were walking back, and I could see they had both been crying. Dad was behind them and he nodded at me, silently communicating that he had told them about the loss of our baby. I could tell by the way they were looking at me that they wanted to talk to me about it, to offer comfort, bu
t I couldn’t handle it.
“I’m sorry. I just…I can’t talk about it right now.” I ran a hand down Marin’s arm and she brought her other hand to her mouth, closing her eyes in pain. I thought it was best to give them the basics and get down to ER so I didn’t have a meltdown.
“Julia is talking to a psychologist that Dr. Brighton called in, but can you guys get it together before you go in there? I don’t want her to see us all crying because it will just make her ask questions and she might not be ready for the answers.” I waited for them to answer. Paul just looked at me and new tears trickled down Marin’s face. I needed to bail. “Look, I gotta go. I love you all.”
I took one deep breath after another as I made my way down to the ER and when I walked in I had my emotions under control. Min, Liza and Tanner were there, too. They all had questions in their eyes; their expressions were full of sympathy. Even superficial Liza had sadness written all over her face, but I ignored them and went to find the chief resident so I could get right to work. It was busy, with lots of patients and I was thankful for the workload. The rooms were full and there were a few in the area with curtained partitions. None of the others should have been standing around gawking at me.
I turned and held out my hands, shooting them a dirty look. “Hello? Don’t any of these patients need attending to?” If they were pissed at me, they would be less likely to make small talk. Liza’s face hardened, she threw down a clipboard and huffed off.
My lips twitched in the start of a smile. Excellent. Min pursed her lips upon seeing my smirk and Tanner just shook his head. It had the desired effect, however; and they scattered, each one helping a different doctor.
Dr. Clark was the attending resident and, with a skeptical gaze, he handed me the chart of a kid who had fallen out of a tree house. He was a short man with very dull brown hair and sharp blue eyes, whom I respected.
“Dr. Brighton told us about Julia, Ryan,” he began. “We all get it if you don’t want to be here.”