“I’d like to stay by the doctors. Dr. Moore said he can help me remember.” I looked down at my lap and fought back the pain and emptiness that overwhelmed me. “I can’t tell you how sad I feel not remembering you.” My eyes flitted over Ryan and then to Harris. “And, Aaron and Jen. How can I go back to a life and job that I know nothing about? I think it’s in my best interest to try to figure this out, so if it’s okay, I think I’ll stay here.”
“With me? Julia, we’ll move you in with us so that we can take care of you.” Ryan’s voice was filled with panic and I realized that I hadn’t said where I’d stay. He thought I meant in Boston, but maybe somewhere else.
I nodded ever so slightly and he drew in his breath in a deep sigh. “Okay.” He looked pointedly at his father. “Good.”
The room seemed tense, everyone quiet until the door burst open, not so gently.
“Room service!” Aaron came in with a brown paper bag and a Styrofoam cup with a straw sticking out of it. “One Yuppie burger and Coke for our little Jules.” His huge body and bright grin filled the small room. My mouth dropped open in surprise as Ellie took the bag and began removing the food to spread it out in front of me. My stomach audibly growled at the wonderful smells.
“Did you get the rings?” Ryan asked. Onion rings were my favorite.
“Dude. It’s me. What do you think? You said rings, you got rings.”
It was surprising how huge the burger was. “I’ll never be able to eat all of this,” I said as I started to reach for one of the rings.
“Don’t expect you to, Jules. Ryan will help with that. Standard operating procedure.”
My mother opened five or six of the ketchup packets and emptied them onto the paper wrapper of the burger. I dipped the ring into it and took a bite. “Wow. This is good.”
Everyone laughed as I tried to lift the burger with one hand. It had Swiss cheese, mushrooms and bacon. Again, my favorite. “Aaron, how did you know my dinner wasn’t fit for dogs?”
“Seriously? Ryan texted and asked me to go to Uburger and set you up. I gotta run though, ‘cause Jenna is waiting.”
“Thanks for bringing this, Aaron. I owe you one,” I said with my mouth full.
He laughed. “Two words, Jules. Blueberry muffins,” Aaron said as he walked toward the door. “Blueberry muffins. Jen has lots of assets, but she can’t cook like you.”
I remembered cooking more than my mother when I was growing up. “No problem. When I can move, okay?”
Ellie, Harris, Elyse and Gabriel left shortly after Aaron, leaving me in the room with my parents and Ryan. He was sitting on the edge of my bed and I shoved some of the food in his direction. He smiled and picked up an onion ring and ate it.
“I guess I’ll take your mother out for dinner, Julia.” My dad ran a hand down the back of my head. “We’re so thankful you’re okay, baby.”
I wanted some time alone with Ryan so I hoped he wouldn’t leave too soon. He’d had a long day, and probably had homework to do.
“Um, okay. Mom…” I looked up at her and smiled, trying to reassure her. “Let Dad take you out. I’m going to be okay now that I have real food,” I joked and held up my cup before bringing the straw to my lips. “I love you.”
When they left, Ryan remained on the bed with me. “Do you want the television on?”
I put the drink down and shook my head. “Uh huh. What’s texted?”
“What?”
“Aaron said you texted him about the food. Is that some sort of code for something?” I took another bite of the burger.
“Oh.” He chuckled. “It’s typing on your phone. It works like a call, but you don’t talk, you type. The words come across on the screen of the person you call…or text, as the case may be.”
“Sounds weird.”
“You’re the queen of texting. We do it constantly.”
“Really? Hmmm…” Ryan smiled and nodded. I shoved the remaining two thirds of my burger at him. “Want this?”
He smiled and picked it up. “Like you needed to ask.” He took a big bite and I grabbed another onion ring. It felt easy being with him even though I barely knew him. He picked up the soda and took a pull on the straw. “Don’t worry, I don’t have cooties.”
I laughed. “Something tells me I would have your cooties by now if you did.”
His lips parted in a big grin. “Definitely.”
“So…are you going to tell me about us?” I asked hesitantly. He sat back a little and met my eyes. Ryan didn’t seem in a rush to answer, like he was considering what to say.
“We’ve known each other since our freshman year in undergrad.”
“Ellie told me that much. But we share food and cooties, so…what else?”
He smiled and took another bite, and shrugged. “Like I said, we’ve known each other a long time. We don’t think we should tell you too much. It will be safer for you to remember everything on your own. Can’t you just trust me?” His comments were light and offhanded.
“That’s just it.” I rubbed my wrist and his eyes followed my movements. “I do trust you, even though I know nothing about you, but I’m curious. You can’t know how frustrating it is not to know about your own life.”
“I told you today, we’re close. You’ve been my best friend since the minute we met, okay?” He plopped the last little bit of the hamburger down on the wrapper and went to the sink to wash his hands.
“How did we meet?” I asked. He was telling me some of it so I decided to keep on until he put a stop to it.
“In Psych 101. Waste of academic effort. You couldn’t stand that class.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I didn’t like it either, except we used to write notes on each other’s notebooks. I can’t tell you too much or you’ll laugh and hurt yourself.”
I couldn’t help but smile at the expression on his face, but then he turned serious and looked intently into my eyes. I had a strong urge to touch him and wished that he would come closer so that I could.
“Hmmm…so best friends, huh?”
He licked his lips and looked away. “Yep.”
“Like how?” I kept pushing, watching the emotions flit across his face. He had a very strong brow and jaw line, a perfectly straight nose. My heart sped up as my eyes fell to the full lips.
“Are you feeling okay? Does your head still hurt, honey?” Ryan asked.
“No, it doesn’t. Why won’t you answer me?” I persisted with a frown.
“Julia. Let’s just concentrate on getting you better, hmm?” He scooted closer and brushed his thumb along my chin, electricity shot through me like a rocket. “There is plenty of time for finding out about the past.”
Ugh! “Why won’t you tell me? Were we pals? Friends with benefits?” His eyes widened and he drew back slightly. “Distant acquaintances?”
“No, no and no.” He stood up. “Ready for that walk?”
“Tell me. Then I’ll walk.”
“Julia, you’re going to be the death of me. What part of we don’t want to influence your memory don’t you understand?” His voice was coaxing and gentle, melting around me like honey.
“What’s the big deal? Was it so bad?”
“No. Not bad at all.” He sighed and sat down again, taking my hand in his. “Like I said, we’re close. Can’t you leave it at that, please? You’ll remember soon and then it won’t be such a mystery.”
I looked down at the hand holding mine. Ryan rubbed his thumb across the top of my fingers.
“Hey,” he said softly and squeezed harder when I wouldn’t look at him. We sat like that for a few seconds until he sighed and finally spoke. “When I left for medical school, you told me that I was the most important person in your life. It was the same for me, and that hasn’t changed, okay?”
My heart clenched inside my chest. I knew he was important. I’d felt it since I first laid eyes on him. I nodded but still wouldn’t meet his eyes. He bent and brushed his mouth on my temple. “We take car
e of each other and I will always be here for you, Julia.”
I turned my head slightly so my nose rested against his cheek. He smelled of soap and cologne. Absolutely delicious and strangely familiar. His hand came up to the side of my neck and cupped the back of my head. “Okay,” I answered softly.
“Now…how about that walk?”
~3~
The last few days had been joyous, painful, amazing and freaking long. Julia was progressively improving and I was spending as much time with her as I could. They’d taken out the IV’s and the catheter and she was eating pretty well considering her aversion to hospital food. She still stumbled at times when she did her walking, but they’d moved her out of ICU the morning after she woke up.
Her memory hadn’t improved, but I kept telling myself it would over time. We’d talked and joked around and it was bittersweet when she asked questions that she already knew the answers to. It felt like it had when we first met, instantly connected but not voicing or showing the real feelings.
I took a deep breath and tried to convince myself; she will remember. When she did, would she remember losing the baby, too? It scared the shit out of me. Julia was so strong, but this was more than she’d ever dealt with. Dr. Moore, Dr. Brighton and my father all agreed that the loss of the pregnancy was most likely the thing triggering the memory loss. The consensus was still not to push her memories. There was no physical reason. Her brain tissue looked completely normal and all of her other cognitive skills were perfectly intact. I was thankful for that, at least. It could have been so much worse.
The past week felt like a year and I was literally exhausted. I hardly went home and my bed had become a stranger because I spent every night at the hospital with Julia. While it was awkward at first, she soon came to accept it. When Marin or Ellie offered to stay, I only left to shower, get food or work.
In the evenings, when everyone else had left, I brought my laptop and studied from the chair in her room. Julia would spend the time reading or drawing, and once in awhile, ask me questions about what I was doing. Sometimes, we’d talk; play cards or a reverse type of twenty questions. She asked me things about my past and hers. It was fun and we laughed a lot, but I struggled not to tell her more than I should. Just as always, she was genuinely interested in everything I had to say. The bright side of the situation became spending lots of time with Julia and that Liza wasn’t stalking me when I was in Julia’s room.
I rushed around to pick up the apartment before bringing Julia back later that afternoon. Jen wasn’t much of a housekeeper and Aaron was a complete slob. The sink was filled with dirty dishes and the bathrooms were gross. I cringed. My mother was here working to help get the place in order, and she would not be happy with the state of things. She went into my room to get my laundry, leaving me to wish I’d beaten her to it.
“My God, Ryan! You boys live like pigs! Is this how it always was when Julia came to visit?” she asked in disgust.
“It’s worse now because I haven’t been around. Jen cleans up some, but mostly I do it and I’ve been with Julia every minute, Mom! Can you cut me some slack?”
“Considering you’re graduating with honors and you’ve been so good to Julia, I’ll let you off with a warning,” she smiled as she came out with her arms laden with clothes. “Aaron and Jenna’s room is worse than yours.”
Ellie called awhile earlier and she and Harris were on their way over to help clean. The apartments she’d shared with Julia were always spotless. Aaron and I still lived like we did back at Stanford.
“Yeah, and Ellie will have my ass over this mess,” I said as I filled the sink with water. Our apartment was old and didn’t have a dishwasher. It was in a brownstone, with radiant heat and extremely tiny closets. Jen was constantly complaining about the closets. She and Aaron planned to move into a house after graduation. Aaron was concentrating on internal medicine and could go into private practice after he finished his residency. I was hoping that we would all end up close enough to see each other on a regular basis. Julia wanted to be near Ellie too, but her career was really going to dictate her choice.
I plunged my hands into the water and continued to wash the dishes, lost in my thoughts. I stopped.
What if Julia doesn’t remember? In three months, I would graduate and had planned to go to New York to be with her. Will she still want me?
My heart dropped. She’d been receptive to my presence, even to the point of letting me sleep in the big chair in her room overnight. Marin and I struggled over who would stay, but she acquiesced after one night she stayed with Julia and I slept in the waiting room down the hall anyway.
“Ellie will understand, Ryan. We all know where you’ve been this week.” She put her arms around my waist from behind as I worked. “No one expected anything else.”
She backed up and scratched my back through my scrubs. “Julia’s getting her very own doctor and housekeeper in one. Lucky, lucky girl.”
I rinsed off a fry pan and stacked it in the metal dish drain next to the sink as Mom went to sort the clothes. I shrugged but didn’t speak.
“Ryan, I know you haven’t mentioned it, but do you need to talk? About the baby? I’m worried about you, honey.” My mother paused, her voice thickening slightly.
For a split second, I stopped too; but then reached for the next pan that needed washing and plunged it in the water.
“Mom, I appreciate the offer, but I’m just…I guess I’ve been concentrating on getting Julia better. Nothing would’ve been worse than losing her, so I haven’t really dealt with…” my voice wavered and I sucked in my breath, “the baby yet. After that first twenty-four hours, it’s been sort of surreal. It’s Julia I’ve been worried about, compounded by our lost past. That’s all I can take right now.”
“I understand, honey. Just know that your father and I are here for you. We love you both so much.”
“I know, Mom. I’m grateful for all you’ve done. Having Dad here has been my saving grace.” I continued to wash the dishes and she put a load of laundry in the washer just as Harris and Ellie burst through the door.
“Hey!” Ellie said happily and came to hug me. “How are you holding up?”
Harris followed her in. “Hello, Ryan, Elyse. Gabe asked me to let you know he’s got the bags from the hotel and he booked you on a 5:30 flight.”
“You guys are leaving?” I turned toward my mom. “So soon?”
Ellie patted me on the stomach before starting her search for cleaning supplies, pulling out a bucket and some floor cleaner from under the sink. She threw a duster at Harris.
“Slave driver,” he muttered but threw off his coat and went in the living room to start working.
My mother came into the kitchen and pulled out a chair. “Dad has to get back to his patients and you’ve got everything under control now.”
I nodded, drying the dishes I’d just washed, putting them away as I went. I couldn’t meet her eyes. I worried what it would be like when Julia was here with three people she barely knew. “Yeah, I know. It’s just that Paul and Marin are leaving too, and even though Julia said she’ll be fine with us, I don’t want her to feel alone here.”
“Ryan, Julia could never feel alone when she has you, okay?” Ellie smiled then wrinkled her nose in disgust. “Good God! This place is horrible!”
“I hope you’re right, Ellie,” I murmured and went to the furnace closet to get the mop and rags we’d need to finish the job.
“Ryan, Jules loves you; even if she can’t remember. Relax!” Harris called from the other room. The apartment was so small that every word any of us said could be easily heard.
“When are you gonna make an honest woman of Ellie?” I asked, in an attempt to change the subject.
“I’ve tried. She’s putting it on hold.”
“What? Why?” I asked incredulously.
“Ask her,” he said and seemed a little bit pissed off, but kept to his task of dusting the television and entertainment center.
/> Ellie filled the bucket with hot water from the sink and added some cleaning solution before she answered. “Harris, come on! You just signed that record deal. Married rock stars don’t sell records!” she said in exasperation. “You know I love you.”
“I’m hardly a rock star, El,” he mumbled.
She stiffened. “Maybe you would be if you started thinking like one.”
“Maybe you’re not sure you can handle his new life style before you commit to it? Eh, Ellie?” I asked as she set the sudsy bucket in front of me.
“How about if you shut your yap?” She hissed and frowned at me.
Wow. Direct hit.
“When are you gonna give Julia her engagement ring back? And the bracelet? She is constantly messing with her wrist, and it’s all I can do not to reach out and stop her, for God’s sake.”
I’d thought of it many times in the last days. She only had the ring a few weeks before the accident and most of that time we’d been apart. I longed to see it sparkling on her finger, and I missed the bracelet on her wrist. My heart squeezed at her words.
“Not yet. You know what the doctors said.”
“She will remember,” Elyse added almost inaudibly. “I have faith. Ryan, go strip your sheets for me, please.”
I went to do my mother’s bidding and she followed, closing the door behind us. I pulled the pillows off, started removing the cases and wondered why she’d need to get me alone.
“Ryan, do you want me to stay for a while? I can let Gabe go home without me. If you need me…” I realized how extremely lucky I was to have such wonderful, supportive parents.
“Oh, no, that’s alright, Mom.” I bent and pulled the sheets off the bed and threw them on the pile with the pillow cases. “I’m just a little nervous about bringing Julia here. She has to be feeling a little apprehensive under the circumstances.” I sat on the bed and ran my hand over my jaw. “It hasn’t been easy for me to see those questioning looks on her face, the blankness when something she can’t remember is mentioned. It…hurts,” I said in a flat tone but my heart constricted just a little. It had to show on my face.