“Wyvern,” she deadpanned. “Not a dragon. Not the same thing.”
I blinked several times, not sure I’d heard correctly. What the…? A dragon? She thinks she’s a dragon?
“Yes, okay, a wyvern…” Doctor Aleman wrote something down on her pad of paper. “And you also said that when you’re feeling stressed, it helps you to manage your emotions to imagine yourself as this…wyvern.”
Long glanced at me as if to say, You wanted to know why I’m in here? Well, here you go…, before turning her attention to the doctor. “Actually, it’s the opposite. I get mad, the dragon comes out. Nothing I can do about it.”
“And what does the dragon do for you?”
One of the other patients snorted a laugh. The doctor ignored her.
“The dragon takes care of business.” Long sniffed and shook her hair a little. It’s uneven ends shuffled around before settling back down into stick-straight layers. The color of the strands were so dark black they almost looked blue. She really was a pretty girl. If she were a dragon or a wyvern or whatever, she’d probably be a gorgeous one. I made a promise to myself to tell her later that in my world, dragons were very real, and I’d even gotten a ride on one once and was probably going to get another one in the not too distant future. Something told me this girl would appreciate my life story.
“Sometimes I dream that I’m a giant,” Murderous Mike said out of the blue.
Two people cackled at that, but the doctor raised her hand for quiet and they obeyed. “Tell us more, Mike. And thank you for participating. We don’t get to hear from you often enough.”
“That’s all. I just dream that.”
Even I had a hard time not laughing. He reminded me so much of that fat troll baby I’d accidentally dragged into Ish’s time. I wondered again what had happened to him and my friends. It made me instantly uncomfortable, and my smile disappeared. Here I was sitting in a stupid group therapy session while the most important fae in the world to me were out there all alone, eating weeds for sustenance and wondering if I was ever going to come back for them. They probably thought I’d abandoned them. I sure felt like I had. I was instantly sick with worry and had to grip the edge of my seat to keep from running. Be cool, be cool, be cool…
Doctor Aleman was droning on about something, but I didn’t hear any of it. All I could think about were my friends. Was there a witch somewhere around here who could send me back to where they were? Obviously Red wasn’t capable. He’d probably used newt eyeballs instead of newt nads in his witch’s brew, and now here I was stuck in my new past. I still hadn’t decided if he’d sent me back to this time on purpose or if he just totally sucked at spells. I’d always heard he was pretty good, so my suspicions were that he had intentionally put me in a place where he thought I couldn’t cause any trouble. Problem was, he’d forgotten how good I was at finding it or how easily it found me. Even he wouldn’t be so cruel as to set me up to be here, though. Or would he?
Long nudged me on the arm.
“Huh?” I asked, looking up.
Everyone was staring at me. Cuckoo Carrie giggled and looked at the doctor. I followed her gaze. Doctor Aleman had her eyes locked on me and she didn’t look happy.
“Uhhh…sorry, I missed the question.”
“I said…sometimes fantasy worlds and roles that we create for ourselves can get in the way of dealing with reality. Maybe you’d like to comment on that, Jayne.”
I shrugged. “Not really.”
Long nudged me again and gave me a look that I was pretty sure meant I was supposed to be playing along. She had a point.
“I mean…I agree,” I said, doing my best to sound like I meant it. “People should live in the now. Be real. Be who they are, not what they just dream about being.”
The doctor frowned. “It’s interesting that you say that.”
“Uhhh…okay.” I wasn’t sure what she was getting at. I felt a trap opening up at my feet, though. Her expression was downright satisfied.
“Because didn’t you mention to me that you’re part of a magical society and that you…”—she checked her notes before continuing—“…recently stopped a demon uprising?”
My jaw dropped open. What the frig? “Hello? What the hell happened to patient confidentiality?”
She gave me a poo-eating grin. “It’s intact. We’re all a part of the process.” She looked to her left and right, including the group in her comment.
What the hell kind of therapy is this? I shrugged again, trying like hell to keep a rein on my temper. If she was going to play that game, I definitely wasn’t interested. Try as she might, she couldn’t bait me; I was too cool to fall for that bullcrap. And I was leaving in just one more day, no matter what. Be cool, be cool, be cool, Jayne. Super cool. Super spy cool. Be like Jared. Be like Tim. Be like Tony. Be like Spike or Becky or Finn or even Scrum. Be like…anyone but yourself.
“Tell us, Jayne, why do you choose to live in a fantasy world where you are a magical being with powers?” She held up her hands and wiggled her fingers, adding a little extra insult to the whole shebang. “What are you avoiding in your real life?”
I could feel my face growing hotter, but it wasn’t with embarrassment—it was with rage. How dare she question who I was. How dare she try to make me sound crazy. She was definitely trying to get me to lose my cool, but the problem was, I didn’t know why. What she was after? Was I supposed to get angry? Apologetic? Embarrassed? Feel compelled to explain myself? What would a sane human do? I had no idea, because I wasn’t human anymore. I was fae, and nothing she said or did was going to change that. Regardless, it was the most fucked up therapy session I’d ever heard of, and I wasn’t interested in being part of her twisted game. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
“No comment,” I said.
“Sorry, we don’t allow ‘no comments’ in our circle.” She looked at the other patients. “Tell her, Group.”
Their voices rang out in eery monotone. “You are inside the circle. You are safe inside the circle. No harm will come to you inside the circle.”
Chills ran up and down my spine, and my butt hairs stood on end. I’d been inside a couple circles in my life as a fae and they were never good places to be, especially when they were outlined in salt. I scanned the ground for signs of the stuff and saw nothing, but that didn’t make me any less suspicious. This was way too Dark-Fae-like to be anything but totally creepy.
“Say something,” Long mumbled out of the corner of her mouth, ventriloquist style.
I panicked and said the first thing that came to mind. “The circle. Yeah. That’s cool. I love circles.” Lie! Lie! Lie!
“So, tell us, Jayne…,” Doctor Aleman said, all signs of ease and kindness gone from her face. I felt sick when I realized in that moment that she reminded me not just of bad fae I’d come into contact with before, but of one very specific silver elf I knew, and she was a silver elf I had never hoped to see ever again in my lifetime. I never did find out what the fae council had done with Maléna and Leck. Had they sent them to a mental hospital in West Palm Beach, Florida to torture children? That didn’t seem like punishment for fae like them—more like a vacation, since they got to torture kids on a daily basis. Her expression was pure satisfaction when she delivered her next shot: “Why did you make up a fantasy world and a fantasy role for yourself, complete with so many details, if you weren’t avoiding dealing with something pretty significant in your real life?”
My mouth opened several times, but I couldn’t get any words out. My head was spinning. Everyone was staring at me. They all thought I was a liar. A fake. A fraud. A lunatic who would make up a story about being a special fae, someone who was the answer to all the faes’ prayers, someone with unlimited elemental power, someone who was…extraordinary. And yet…here I was…sitting in a mental hospital paid for by my parents—people who normally couldn’t agree on a single thing but somehow came to the same conclusion that I belonged in here—in a group therapy session with some ser
iously fucked up people, and they were all staring at me with pity in their eyes. And I was actually looking at a real doctor who’d obviously worked here a long time, thinking she was an evil silver elf bent on destroying me.
I swallowed over and over. Nausea was coming for me. Memories of my fae friends blurred as I tried to recall them. I couldn’t remember what Becky’s face looked like anymore. Had I imagined it? And what about Chase? He was supposed to be my guardian angel, but where was he? He promised to watch out for me forever, but I was definitely alone in this place unless you counted the wannabe wyvern sitting next to me.
A sense of doubt started to crowd everything out of my head. Fantasy…Reality… The lines between the two were blurring in my brain. If Chase really existed, wouldn’t he be here helping me? Where was everyone who’d sworn to protect and support me, who’d said I was important and my safety paramount? Beau? Shayla? Garrett? Dardennes? Céline? Niles? Why was I here all alone? Why didn’t Tony mention vibing me when I saw him the other day?
Is it possible…? I didn’t want to continue the thought, but it barreled right through the roadblock I tried to put up in my brain…that I imagined the entire thing? That I had a psychotic break and retreated into a fantasy world of my own creation? That I’m really nothing special after all?
A headache raged between my temples and behind my eyes. A single answer to all of my questions loomed just in front of me, but acknowledging it would mean something too horrible to contemplate—that I might actually belong in this place. I looked down at the palm of my hand. It was empty. There was no dragon scale and no sign there ever had been one there. I reached up and touched my head—my shaved head. Why had I shaved all my hair off? The only time I’d ever heard of someone doing that was when they went off the deep end and lost their mind.
Maybe I’m not fae. Maybe I’m nothing special. Maybe I’m just me… Just…Jayne. I jumped up from my seat and ran to the door with my hand over my mouth. “I’m going to be sick,” I gasped, and only made it two steps out into the hallway before I made good on my statement.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I WAS LYING in my bed staring at the ceiling when Looney Long appeared. Her face hung over mine, her roughly cut hair dangling next to her chin and her eyebrows drawn together in concern. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.” I was tired, and the pills I’d been given to calm me down were working their magic. All I wanted to do was sleep. I was waiting for darkness to claim me, but it sure was taking its time.
“I brought you some carrots. In case you wanted to place some bets…or maybe eat something.” She held out three slimy looking orange vegetables.
“No thanks.”
She sighed. “Don’t let them make you feel like this.”
A tear slipped out of my eye and dripped down to the pillow. Make me feel like what? A total loser who makes up a seriously detailed fantasy life just to escape the fact that her parents hate her and she has no real friends, other than the one she bullied into hanging out with her? “I don’t feel like anything.” It was true for the most part. I felt dead inside. Empty. Devoid of a past and a future. What was the point of any of this? No wonder I’d made up such a detailed world. If this was the real world, I wanted no part of it.
“That’s the drugs talking,” she said.
“No, it’s not.” I closed my eyes. “Do you mind? I’m really tired.”
“That’s also the drugs talking. Listen…I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anyone else before, okay? And if you tell my secret to someone else, you’re a jerk for all of eternity and karma will make you her bitch.”
I was curious enough that I opened one eye. “Go on.”
“I know deep down inside me that I’m different. And I also know deep down inside me that I’m not crazy. I know lots of crazy people say they’re not crazy, but…it’s true.” She shrugged. “You don’t understand, but I just had to say that to you. And it’s why I’ll never leave here, because I can’t live in a world that doesn’t let me be who I really am. At least here, people play along.” She left the side of my bed and headed for the door.
As far as big secrets went, hers didn’t feel that momentous, but it seemed to mean a lot to her and I felt bad just letting her walk away without saying something. “Don’t go.” She was trying so hard to be nice. And what she said rang a bell in my head. “I know what you mean. I used to think I was special too.” Used to think? “Maybe I still think I am. I don’t know.” I attempted to focus on what I was trying to say, but it was too jumbled. “I’m…I’m just really tired and confused. I don’t know what to say or think anymore.”
She came over and took my hand, flipping it over and tracing a circle around the spot where I used to imagine I had a dragon scale embedded in my skin. Of course, there was no scale there—just my skin and the lines that were supposed to tell my future…something I wasn’t interested in knowing about since it seemed so bleak at that point.
“You are special,” she said. “I know you are. I feel it in my bones and in my blood. You make the dragon in me want to burn this entire place to the ground.”
I smiled at her loyalty and dedication to both her fantasy and mine. “Have you ever breathed fire before?”
She sighed. “No. Unfortunately, wyverns are more water-oriented than fire. Otherwise, I’d burn this mother down faster than you could blink.” She grinned at me lopsidedly.
I smiled back; I couldn’t help it. “I was thinking today that you’re probably the prettiest dragon ever with that blue-black hair of yours.”
She tilted her head. “Really?”
“Yeah. I used to dream that I could see dragons. Red ones and black ones, and purple and silver ones. And that I rode on one once. His name was Othello. He said…never mind.” Yeah. Right. Telling her I had mated with a dragon. That wouldn’t be crazy at all. Maybe I did belong in the looney bin.
“Cool dragon name.”
“I know, right? I’m nothing if not creative.”
She looked at my side table. “Are you going to do that journal stuff they’re always telling us to do?”
I nodded sadly. “Yeah. Getting it out of my head and on paper seems like a good plan.” Maybe then I could accept my fate and move forward. Or just walk away from reality forever and call it a life.
She let go of my hand and walked in reverse toward the door. “I hope you’re still planning on leaving here tomorrow. You don’t belong here, you know.”
I smiled sadly at her. “I wouldn’t be too sure about that.”
She walked out without another word, but she looked genuinely sad.
Shortly after she left, I got up and took the journal and pencil into bed with me. I stared at the blank page for a long time before the pencil started to move. I began with the moment I’d first envisioned a different life for myself…when I’d been sitting in World History class, daydreaming about how I wished my life were different. That was when I started making up a fantasy world for myself where my best friend Tony—the most passive, non-violent guy in the entire world—brought a gun to school and threatened Brad Powers with it and then forced me to run away to Miami with him. Ha! Talk about unrealistic. Tony would never do that.
I just wished that everything hadn’t felt so damn real…
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
AFTER AN ENTIRE day of journaling about my make-believe fae life until the pencil was a mere nub and my hand was numb, I choked down another tasteless meal in the cafeteria while surrounded by my fellow nutjobs and then took my sleeping pills and crashed for a full fifteen hours. When I woke up it was with a head that felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls. It was visitor’s day, and I wished I could get excited about it, but what was the point? My mother was due to arrive any minute and she was probably going to bring Rick with her. My father would probably be a no-show, but that wouldn’t be a surprise.
What did we have to say to one another? Was I supposed to apologize for being a crazy jerk? Probably. Was she s
upposed to apologize for being a shitty mother? Probably not. It was never the adults’ fault when kids got screwed up. I knew that getting out of the nut house eventually and back to my regular life at school—hanging out with Tony and being bored out of my mind in class—required that I follow the program, but I wasn’t ready to apologize for anything I’d done. I figured my brain cracking and falling apart gave me a bit of a pass, though. Maybe I’d be ready to say the right words—the things everyone was expecting me to say—on the next visitor’s day.
The creepy orderly stuck his head in my door. “You have a visitor. It’s your brother.”
I frowned, not sure I’d heard him correctly. “My mother or my brother?”
“Brother. With a B.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to say that I didn’t have a brother, but I was too curious about this supposed sibling to blow his cover. If it was Rick, I was going to scream the walls down and make sure they sent him away for making me lose my mind.
I got up from the bed and followed my guide down the hallway, through the double doors with the digital lock, down some stairs, through a second set of doors with another digital lock, and along several corridors before we ended up in the lobby. There were a few strangers standing around, but there was one face I recognized right away. He stood off to the side with his hands stuffed into the front pockets of his jeans. His wavy blond hair was casually brushed away from his face and his blue T-shirt stretched across his well-developed pecs.
What in the hell is he doing here? I looked at the orderly who’d delivered me there. “I thought my mother was coming.”
He grabbed a clipboard off the nearby counter and frowned at it. “Yeah. Says here it’s supposed to be your mother and step-father coming.” He looked up at the guy and glared. “He better not be your boyfriend. Boyfriends aren’t allowed.”