PARTY?!”
The music is cranked up to an eardrum-splitting decibel and I grab a Coke from behind the bar.
Someone brought wine coolers and a six-pack, but other than that, it's a pretty dry party; we're physically, mentally, emotionally, every -ally way you can be exhausted....we all are. We have music going in the background, but the redheaded guy from drama starts playing along on the piano so it's like we have a live concert. Cool. Wish I wasn't so numb I could join in everyone's fun. How can they party when the world just ended?
Jaxon sits down and offers me a beer and I decline saying I'm dieting.
“Yeah, right. You know you can just say ‘no thanks’”
“Doesn't always work, I have found it's best to come up with a line that buys into the stereotype that most guys have about girls.”
“What's that?” he asks.
“That we're always worried about our weight and dieting.”
“And you aren't?”
“Couldn't care less. In fact, I'd wolf down a cheeseburger and fries every hour of the day if I could. Except right now of course,” I mumble that last part.
“Katie, are you ok? You seem a little out of it. Is everything all right?”
“Never better,” I tell him. You know, like a liar.
He tries to apologize again, for what happened on Wednesday.
That snaps me out of my daze, “why are you apologizing? Josh should be the one apologizing. I’m free to kiss whoever the hell I want. Whenever the hell I want.”
Did I mean it to come out that forcefully?
Yes. Yes, I did.
“Is that so?” he said with his eyebrows up, either in alarm or surprise. I don’t care which one it is.
“Damn straight,” I say climbing onto his lap. A little over the top maybe, but I’m trying to make a point here. “I can totally make out with you right here all over this couch if I want to.”
Redheaded guy scares the crap out of me when he bangs the cover shut on the piano and walks out of the room giving me the nastiest look.
“Geez, what the hell is going on with everyone lately? Is there something funky in the water at school?” I say to no one in particular.
Jaxon starts talking again, “listen Katie there’s something I need to say to you.” He has his arms loosely around my waist but I feel zero heat coming from his lap. I must be losing my touch. I start to wiggle my butt around a little bit. Josh barely needs me to move half an inch and it's rocket city.
“I feel like I used you. And….I want to say I’m sorry.”
“What are you talking about, you haven’t used me, we’ve goofed around sometimes but, we have fun, we’re friends. I never thought anything was serious or we were going out or anything. You don’t owe me any apology Jax. I don’t feel used at all. You’re a great guy and I like having you as my friend. Right now, actually, I’m in the mood to use and abuse each other a little bit. What do you say Jaxon? Want to show me that award-winning pucker now? No asshat to interrupt us this time,” I say trying my best impression of Laurel’s purr.
“Thanks, that’s really a sweet offer Katie, but I ….there is something I need to tell you. I think I have been conducting little...experiments...on myself… but with people to help me figure something out. And you were one of the people I was experimenting on.”
“Ok, I'm totally lost. Are we making out or not?” I ask.
“Let's just say, last week outside the auditorium, I finally realized you weren't my type.”
“Ouch. Way to kick someone when they’re down Jax. I take it back. I don’t want to be your friend anymore,” I say removing my arm from around his shoulders. I’m half-serious.
He grabs my hand, “no, it's not like that, you're great, REALLY great. You're smart, and funny, and sassy, and talented and really cute, it's just that..."
I can see he's really struggling with whatever it is he's trying to say and stalling. My female pride is wounded but he’s still Jaxon, and he seems to be trying really hard to be honest (which is more I can say for most of the guys I know right now) so I turn to him and say the first thing that comes to mind, "I really am your friend, over anything and everything else Jaxon. I hope you know that. Even if you don’t want to stick your tongue down my throat, or get to third base."
His shoulders drop like a huge weight just fell off his back and he sighs.
It's another minute before he looks up and when he does I can see little tears at the corners of his eyes.
Now I'm worried again, "what is going on in that big brain of yours?"
He lets out an unsteady breath before he said, "I practiced over and over in my head what I would say to you, and now it's here, I can't put the words in the right order."
I spaz a little and poke him in the ribs with my finger like we used to in middle school at lunch trying to get one another to laugh up milk through our nose, "spit it out already, you're making me nervous."
"I'm gay."
His face is nothing but fear and anxiety. Holy shit. He's totally serious.
I fall backwards off his lap onto the floor in total shock. Is this my new move? If it is, I don’t know if my heavily bruised butt can take it.
I was so not expecting what he just said. I can feel the wheels in my brain spinning trying to process.
I didn't realize I was just sitting there staring down at the hideous lime green shag carpet, or that I'd let go of his hands until he pleaded, "say something Katie. Please."
The pain in his voice snapped me back to reality to look up at him. Could I be a more insensitive jerk?
I launch myself back up at him throwing my arms around his neck.
"I'm sorry. You confide in me probably the hardest thing you've ever said out loud and I pull away? I'm so sorry Jaxon. I'm so so sorry, I just wasn't expecting it." As I start sobbing a little bit into his shoulder, I finally feel his tense body relax against me and hold me tight in a signature Jaxon bear hug.
He's rubbing my back and shushing me when I start to hiccup.
"Why are you crying?" he quietly asks me.
"I don't know. Why do I do anything lately?"
“Why don’t we go somewhere we can talk things out privately ok? I think you’re more upset than you should be about my little announcement, and an offer of third base? Really, Katie?”
I’m shaking so bad now, Jaxon practically carries me to a bedroom at the end of the hallway and shuts the door, then holds me until I’m ready to tell him everything that’s happened to me since...well…since I was two years old.