“Perrymeade’s in trouble with the keiretsu, because hiring you was his idea,” I said to her as gently as I could. “He’s afraid of losing everything—so afraid that it’s paralyzing him.” Wanting to take back the words that made her look at me that way, but not able to leave them unsaid. “If he had any guts, he’d help us anyway.”
She only shook her head. Joby glanced up at her and started to whimper. She reached out, touching his face, and he stopped. “He hasn’t spoken a word since we came here,” she murmured, almost to herself. “He knows … he knows this is wrong—” Her hands moved in the air, as if they ached to get ahold of something tangible, something that could put it all right.
Naoh made a disgusted noise. “We can’t give him back, Miya. Not now. You heard Bian—the Humans don’t even want him back. You know it would be the end of us.” Her expression changed subtly, in a way that made me uneasy. “This is only the next turning of the Way. Everything is happening just as it should. Let Tau do what it wants. Our people act like they are already dead. If the Humans kill a few of them, the rest will realize life is worth something after all. Then they will join us—”
“In doing what?” I asked.
She looked at me. Her mouth thinned, and she didn’t answer. I had the feeling it wasn’t because she didn’t know. She just wasn’t ready to share the answer with me.
“Borosage is a sadist,” I said, frowning. “And he’s not stupid.” I rubbed my naked wrist. “You don’t attack an enemy like that head-on. You’ve got to drag him down from behind. He’s mean and he’s dirty … there’s got to be something he’s hiding. What about the nephase … the drug Navu’s using. Where does it come from? Borosage is letting it get away—”
“No one cares about that,” Naoh snapped. Miya looked up at her. They locked eyes in another silent exchange, and Miya’s restless hands tightened into fists. “It only goes to us,” Naoh said, turning away, “and the Humans are glad of anything that cripples us more.”
“He does it himself,” Miya said.
“What?” I raised my head.
“Miya!” Naoh said sharply, almost a threat. I saw some of the others give her an odd look.
“He’s behind it,” Miya went on, her voice flat, her eyes hard, her whole body challenging her sister’s right to order her silent. “He supplies the ones who sell it over here.”
“Why?” I asked. “For money?”
“Hatred,” she said. “Fear. I’ve been this close to him—” She held up two fingers a centimeter apart. “I’ve felt it. That’s what he’s most afraid of: that someone will look inside him and see what he really is.” She glanced down. “He would have killed me, right there, if he’d realized.…” She looked up again. “If he could have gotten away with it.”
“Yeah,” I said. “That fits the Borosage I know.” My mouth twisted. “But can we prove it? Even Draco and the FTA can’t turn their backs on a drug-dealing Corpse. If we could bring him down—”
“That doesn’t change anything! It has nothing to do with why we’re here!” Naoh cut me off. “I have seen the Way for all our people. We have to make them open their eyes! They have to stand up against the Humans who are trying to destroy us. Once they find their pride and their courage, then it all becomes possible.…” Her eyes glinted like cracked emeralds. “The Humans will disappear from this world. The past that was ours once will be ours again. The sick will be healed; the lost will find their Way. There will be no more suffering, no more tears. That is the Way I’ve seen.…” She stopped, and took a deep breath.
I searched the room for anyone else with a trace of a frown, a flicker of doubt in their eyes. There were mindless nods and muttered agreement all around me, letting me hear what I couldn’t feel: that they all believed the same thing, felt the same way. Every one of them. Even Miya.
“You know it too, don’t you, Bian? Isn’t that why you threw away your databand?” Naoh gestured at my wrist. “You know we are right, that our Way is the only way. You rejected your Human side and cut your ties to our oppressors. You cut yourself off from the exploitation they stand for. We are true revolutionaries. We’re not afraid to set an example, to lead the others to the Way—to become martyrs, if necessary—so that our race will survive. Isn’t that what it means to you—?”
I glanced at Miya. She sat unmoving but unprotesting alongside Joby. I’d thought she’d taken Joby to protect him; but from what I’d seen of his family, and how she felt about them, I knew that wasn’t true. I’d thought she’d taken him to draw the FTA’s attention. But from what Naoh was saying now, I couldn’t see how Joby fit into HARM’s real plans anywhere. Unless, by kidnapping him, Naoh was taking some kind of revenge. I wondered what Miya knew that she wasn’t saying, wondered when she’d tell me -whether she ever would.
“Isn’t it?” Naoh caught my arm. “Isn’t that what it means to you?”
“The way I heard it,” I said slowly, “true revolutionaries have to be willing to kill their own families.”
She stared at me. “That is the Human way,” she murmured at last.
I looked at Miya again, and Joby. “Maybe it amounts to the same thing.”
“Stop thinking like a Human,” Naoh said. “If you aren’t with us, Bian”—her cat-pupiled eyes searched mine—”you are against us. Against your own people. Your real people.…” Her hand rose reassuringly to touch my face; I felt a tendril of thought eel its way in through my defenses. She was Miya’s sister, I felt the echo of Miya in her touch. I told myself she was accepting me, trying to make me one of them … almost trusting her, almost letting her in …
But then the magnesium flare of her fanaticism seared my thoughts. I shut her out of my mind and backed away. Miya was only angry at the Humans; Naoh hated them.
“I’m with you,” I muttered, all I could do before looking away from her shocked face, back at Miya and Joby again. “But there’s got to be a better way to help our people than mass suicide.” I shook my head. “I know there isn’t much time, but let’s use what we have, at least—”
“We will use it.” Naoh shrugged, frowning like I was the head-case. “We already have many followers, and what you’ve told us will win us more.” Her empty hand dropped to her side; her eyes stayed on me, hard and searching. “You don’t truly understand yet, Bian. Once Miya didn’t, but now she does.” Naoh jerked her head at her sister. “Miya, stay with him. Help him to understand. There are things we have to do—”
She disappeared. The others followed her like a flock of birds, disappearing one by one into thin air. The cool wind of their passage moved through my hair. I stood motionless, suddenly alone with Miya and Joby.
Joby squealed with surprise or amazement at the sudden emptying of the room. He looked up at Miya, his face filled with uncertainty, his hands full of toys. But he didn’t say anything.
She sighed, her own face going slack with relief, before she smiled down at him. “Good-bye!” she called to the air. She waved her hand. “They had to go. But I won’t go.… And they’ll come back.”
Still Joby didn’t say anything. He looked at me then, as if he was waiting for me to disappear.
I moved closer until I was sitting beside him, moving carefully because I wasn’t sure how he’d react.
Joby put down his blocks to look at me. He glanced at Miya again, looking for reassurance. And then he got to his feet and took three steps toward me. Standing eye to eye with me, he reached out and touched my ear, the earring dangling from it, the way he had last night. His fingers brushed my ear; he explored my face with his hands like he was blind or confirming the evidence of his eyes. I held myself still, letting him explore. Suddenly he threw his arms around my neck, pressing his face against my cheek.
Startled, I forced myself to relax. I held him until finally he let me go again. He sat down beside me and began to play with the cubes. He leaned against my side like I was a chair in the middle of the empty room.
I glanced at Miya, not sure what I’d fi
nd in her eyes, not sure what I saw there, even when I did. This was the first private moment we’d had together since she’d wakened me in my hotel room. At last I murmured, “I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again.”
She smiled; her smile overflowed into my thoughts.
“How do you do that?” I said, wondering. I reached out, touching her hair, her face, the way Joby had touched mine: proving her reality.
“What?” she asked, kissing my fingertips; or maybe, (What?)
“Get past me.” (Get inside me, like the air I breathe.…)
(By not trying.) She leaned forward until her lips found mine. (Because you want me there.…) I remembered last night, how her body had opened to let me enter, as she kissed me again.
(But it can’t be that easy.…) Her longing lit up my nerve net, mating my sudden need with a desire as relentless as time.
(It isn’t.…) She drew away as my hands began to touch her, feeling the curve of her breasts beneath the soft, weathered colors of her antique shirt. She caught her breath, glancing self-consciously at Joby. (It’s beyond understanding.) She smiled. (It’s the Way.…)
(No,) I thought. (It’s just you.) I reached up, touched the clip she’d woven into my hair, remembering the moment when she’d done it, the look in her eyes, her life-force alive in my mind.
She looked back at me in my Hydran clothing, the outward sign of my inner transformation. And I knew that it wasn’t simply the way she looked at me that made my heart ache, but the way she saw me— Whole. Beautiful. Nasheirtah. “Miya,” I whispered, saying it aloud because I wanted to hear the music of it. “Nasheirtah.… What does it mean?”
“It means ‘destiny,’” she said.
I shook my head, suddenly smiling. “How did you know? How does it happen?”
She glanced down, at her hand resting in mine, two halves of a whole. “It…” Her thoughts diffused, focused again, offering me the image of a moment when two minds merged and two hearts were lost: a precognitive sending, a lightning-flash glimpse of a future where every possible image converged in the face of the Other.
I know you.… I remembered the night, the instant when we’d collided on that deserted Freaktown street. I’d seen her face for the first time, and my entire life had looked back at me from her eyes. And without even knowing it, I’d offered her my soul.…
And she’d pressed Joby’s databand into my fist and run away, knowing she’d finally found the one she was meant to love forever … and sent him straight into the arms of Tau’s Corporate Security.
Her grip on my hand tightened until I winced: two lives where every choice had only been between pain and more pain had finally intersected in that moment, and the ultimate joy had become a tragedy. And there had been no one in HARM she could share it with—not even her sister—because they had all foresworn their individual lives and needs.…
And at last I saw what had driven her to find me again, to risk everything—her own life and safety, even Joby’s, for a handful of hours. For one night with the one man she would always love in a way she would never love anyone else. And at last I understood why, waking up alone and empty, I’d felt as if the rest of my life had gone with her. Why once could never be enough for either of us.
I shook my head in wonder. “Humans … Humans believe over and over that they’ve found the one. And then it falls apart on them.”
“Humans do the best they can,” she murmured, “but without the Gift…” She broke off, looking at me and remembering. She glanced at Joby.
“Do you believe there’s really a perfect lover somewhere for everyone?” I asked, trying to pull us both away from the brink of memory.
“In the Community?” Her eyes turned distant. “Who knows, anymore? There are so few of us left.… Some of us go all our lives without finding nasheirtah. Most of us just make do. Some still find each other, like—” her mouth pinched, “like Naoh and Navu—only to be destroyed by the Humans.” Her hand slipped out of mine. I tasted the bitterness of her sister’s inescapable grief, always just below the surface in her memory.
I pulled her close to me. (I’m not like that. I’m here … and I’m a survivor. We’ll have our whole lives—)
(Never promise that,) she thought, blinking too much. (It’s like a curse.)
The past reached up with hands of pitch, trying to smother me. (You love me …) I thought, discovering a kind of courage I hadn’t known existed in me, until she’d given me a reason to find it. The kind of courage it took to believe: (Anything is possible.)
I felt more than saw it as she smiled at last, as she whispered, (I know.) But her face changed as she looked at Joby. The contact between us evaporated.
“Miya—?”
She shook her head, brushing strands of loose hair back from her face, and didn’t answer. But I didn’t need to hear her thoughts to guess what they were.
I remembered what had happened when Naoh had tried to reach into my mind. Help him understand, she’d said before she left us here. This wasn’t what she’d meant. “Miya,” I said again, to make her look back at me. “How many members does HARM actually have? How many other people do you think believe in your sister’s ‘vision’?”
“I don’t actually know how many Satoh—patriots, not HARM members—” she said mildly, “there are. I don’t think any of us know for certain, even Naoh, in case we’re ever betrayed.”
“Has anyone tried to betray you?” I asked.
She shook her head. “The Council would turn us over to Tau, if they could; but people in the Community protect us and support us. They know what satoh means.” A small, wry smile formed on her face. “There are hundreds, maybe even thousands, who follow Naoh’s Way and support us. All of the Community who live here in town believe in our cause, at least to the point where they won’t betray us.”
“How is that possible?” I wondered whether she knew that for fact or whether it was something Naoh had put into her head. From what I’d seen, it was difficult to believe there were that many Hydrans left on the planet.
“Naoh’s Gift is very strong. She only used it for lagra, until she had the sending.” She moved restlessly, as if even the memories had the power to hurt her. “But then she saw why she’d been given it: to save our people. Everyone she reaches out to feels her belief. They know that she’s seen the Way—” Her fist tightened. Her mind was utterly clear of doubt, either about me, for asking questions, or about her sister’s sanity. “They’ll follow her … when it’s time.”
I glanced away. “Miya, the things your sister said, about becoming a martyr … There’s something … twisted about how she sees all of this. It’s almost as if she has a death wish—”
“No,” she murmured. “Bian—”
“Naoh’s talking about death! Your death, the deaths of God knows how many other people. The Community can’t afford that kind of loss.”
“What choice has Tau given us?” she demanded. “Naoh is being realistic when she says some of us may die. If any of us lose our courage, if we don’t follow the Way as she sees it with complete faith … we’ll fail.” The words were emotionless and flat; even so, her expression reminded me too much of Naoh’s. “Some of us will always falter.…” She looked away suddenly.
I remembered what Hanjen had said—about a mood spreading like a disease through an isolated group, none of them even recognizing the sickness until it was too late. “This is some kind of precognition we’re talking about, right? There should be more than one Way that will get us to our goal. I know you believe that … I’ve felt you still looking for answers.” I saw her frown.
“Why shouldn’t we go after Borosage, before he comes for us? That could get us the kind of attention we need without anyone dying. That could work—”
“Others have tried. My parents.…” The words were even flatter. I thought about Naoh again; what she believed it took to be a revolutionary. “They’re dead. And Navu—you saw what happened to him. He became an addict in Tau’s priso
n.”
The sick will be healed, and the lost will find their Way, Naoh had said. I wondered whether she thought that included Navu. I shook my head. “How does Borosage get away with it? Where does he get the power?”
“He fills a vacuum,” she said, her voice thick. “No Human who has enough power to control him cares enough to do it.”
I swore under my breath. The sight of scar tissue as I looked down at my bare wrist made my stomach knot. I rubbed it, as if I could rub it away.
Joby was building castles. I watched him pile on one more block, watched as the whole structure came tumbling down. He sat there, kicking at the blocks with his feet and frowning. Then, silently, he began to build again. I looked back at Miya. “Where did Naoh go?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know.… Out into the Community, to show our people Tau’s threats—”
“And about HARM’s … the Satoh’s part in it?” I asked. “About the kidnapping? Is that why you took Joby: to force a crisis with Tau?”
“(No!)” she said, with anger I felt as well as heard.
“Then why involve him at all?”
“Naoh,” she murmured; her contact slipped through the fingers of my mind as something disappeared from her eyes. “Naoh said it was necessary. I didn’t want to believe that. But … it was necessary. She showed me.…”
I got up and moved across the room, stood staring out through the dusty panes of the single small window. I searched for the reefs, knowing they were out there somewhere in the distance beyond the blurred profile of Freaktown. I couldn’t even lie to myself that they were within range of my sight. I thought about Kissindre and the team working somewhere out there … wondered what they’d been told about me this morning, what they’d think when they found out the truth—if they ever did. I wondered whether my defection would ruin any chance of continuing their research; if Kissindre would wind up hating me.
I touched my wrist; looked down at it again. No matter what I wanted, without a databand I could never go back to the life I’d had on the other side.