That is if I can get motivated.
I have no one to blame for my lethargic pace this morning except for myself. Well and Haddie since she instigated the fourth, or was it fifth, bottle of wine. At least my headache has abated some so I can think without the hangover pounding in the background.
I grab the pile I’ve been avoiding, budgetary crap that takes too much time and in the end just gets overruled by the bosses upstairs, but I need to get through it. I sigh in fortification when I hear a tap at my door. I swear the next few moments take place in slow motion but I know they didn’t.
When I look up, I cry out loudly and jump up in shock as I meet eyes that mirror mine. I round my desk and run full force into the arms of my brother. Tanner wraps them around me, spins around once, squeezing me so tight I can’t breathe. All of the fear over his safety, anguish over not hearing from him, and loneliness from not having him near, vanish and manifest themselves in the tears that run down my cheeks in happiness.
He sets me back down on my feet and eases his hold on me, but I cling to him tightly and bury my face in his chest needing this connection with him. When I can’t stop crying, he just holds on and kisses the top of my head. “If I knew I was going to get this kind of welcome, I’d come home more often,” he says before grabbing my shoulders and pulling me back, his eyes searching mine. “What is it, Bubs?”
I smile at hearing the name he’s called me our whole lives. I think I’m in shock. “Let me look at you,” I manage, stepping back and running my hands over his arms. He looks a little older and a lot tired. Fine lines fan at the corners of his weary eyes, and the creases edging his mouth have deepened some in the six months since I have seen him last. His copper hair is a little longer than usual, curling up at the collar. But he is alive and whole and in front of me. The wrinkles make him more attractive somehow, adding a little ruggedness to his dynamic features. “Still ugly I see?”
“And you’re even more beautiful,” he recites, an exchange we’ve said at least a thousand times over the years. He holds out my arms to look at me and shakes his head as if he can’t believe I am standing in front of him. “God is it good to see you!”
I grab a hold of him again and laughter bubbles up. “Do Mom and Dad know you’re in the states?” I pull on his hand, bringing him into my office, not wanting to let go of him just yet.
“I flew in to San Diego and stayed with them last night. I’m leaving for Afghanistan this afternoon on a sudden assignment—”
“What?” I just get him back and now he’s going to leave me again. “What do you mean you’re leaving again?”
“Can you leave? Go to lunch with me and we can talk?”
“Of course.”
Tanner’s only request for his meal is that it be somewhere he can see and smell the ocean. I drive up the coast, deciding to take him to the beachside restaurant Colton took me to on what I consider our first date. It’s perfect for him.
On the drive Tanner explains to me that he had taken a last minute week off to come home and visit us from his post in Egypt covering the unrest there. Once home, a fellow colleague had fallen ill and so now his trip was cut short so that he could head back to the Middle East to cover for him.
“So you flew all the way out here for two days just to see us?” I take a sip of my Diet Coke and stare at him. We’re seated on the same patio where Colton and I ate just a couple of tables to the right. Rachel wasn’t working but the hostess that is, heeded our request and set us out of the way from the steady flow of the lunch crowd.
Tanner just looks at me and smiles broadly, and I realize how much I’ve missed him and the calming effect he can have on me. He tilts his bottle of beer up to his lips and leans back, looking out at the waves beyond. “God, it’s good to be home.” He smiles. “Even if it’s just for a day.”
“I can’t even imagine,” I tell him, afraid to take my eyes off of him for just a second since my time with him is so fleeting.
Over food, we talk about the things going on in our lives. He tells me all about his living conditions and the things going on in Egypt that aren’t making their way into the mainstream media. I learn he is casually dating another journalist but that it’s nothing serious despite the softening of his features when he speaks of her.
I love listening to him. His passion and love for his job is so apparent that even though it takes him thousands of miles from me, I can’t imagine him doing anything else.
I tell him about work and Haddie and everything in between. Except for Colton. Tanner can be a bit overprotective, and I figure why even mention something that I’m not sure even is a something. I think I’m doing a damn good job of it until he tilts his head and stares at me.
“What?”
His eyes narrow as he studies me. “Who is he, Bubs?”
I look at him perplexed, like I don’t understand, but I know his investigative instincts have kicked in, and he won’t back down until he gets the answer he wants. Hence why he’s so good at his job. “Who’s who?”
“Who’s the guy that’s got you tied up in knots?” He takes a draw on his beer. A smirk on his lips, his eyes never leave mine. Cocky son of a bitch. I just sit there and stare at him wondering how he knows. “Spill it!”
“Why would you even think that?”
“Because I know you that well.” When I just fold my arms over my chest, he laughs at me. “Let’s see, you are purposefully avoiding the topic rather than talking about it. You’re twisting that ring around your damn finger like a worry stone. You keep biting the inside lip of yours like you do when you’re trying to figure something out, and you keep looking at that table over there like you expect someone to be sitting there. Either that or you’re remembering something that you and he did there.” He arches an eyebrow at me. “Besides, you have a fire in your eyes that’s been missing since…before,” he muses, reaching out, grabbing my hand and squeezing it. “It’s good to see.” I smile at him, so happy that he’s here. “So?”
“There is someone,” I say slowly, “but it’s confusing and I’m not sure what it is yet.” I twist my ring around my finger and don’t realize I’m doing it until Tanner raises an eyebrow at me. I stop immediately and give him the gist of things without giving him Colton’s name. “He’s a great guy, but I just think he’s not looking for anything more than dating without commitment.” I shrug, looking out at the scenery before looking back at him, a hint of tears in my eyes.
“Shit, Ry, any guy that makes you cry isn’t worth it.”
I bite my bottom lip and look down at the napkin I’m shredding mindlessly. “Maybe if he makes me cry it’s because he is worth it,” I say softly. I hear him sigh and I look back up at him. “It’s a first step at least,” I whisper with a trembling voice.
The compassion in his eyes almost undoes me, breaking the hold I have on the tears burning in the back of my throat. “Oh, Bubs, come here,” he says, turning my chair and pulling it toward him. His pulls me into his arms where I just hold onto him, the one person I can always count on.
I close my eyes, my chin resting over his shoulder. “I know why you’re here, Tan. Thanks for coming to make sure that I’m okay.”
He squeezes me one more time before holding my arms and pushing me back to look at me with concerned eyes. “I just wanted to make sure with everything going on this week…I worry about you. I had to be here in case you needed me,” he says softly. “So that if she calls, I can deal with her.”
A surge of love rushes through me for my brother who has just flown halfway around the world for a day to make sure that I’m okay. It’s hard to fathom the brother I grew up with, who I fought like cats and dogs with, has turned into such a thoughtful, caring man now. That he wants to deal with the fallout of the inevitable phone call I will receive from Max’s mother tomorrow.
I reach up with both hands and hold my brother’s cheeks and smile at him. “How’d I ever get so lucky to have you for a big brother?” Tears glisten in my eye
s as I kiss him softly on his cheek. “You’re the best, you know that?”
He smiles, uncomfortable with my affection for him. I stand up. “I’ll be right back. I’ve gotta go to the bathroom.” I start to leave the table and then without thought turn back around and grab him in a quick hug, wrapping my arms around his shoulders from behind as I stand behind him while he’s sitting.
“Whoa, what’s that for?” He laughs.
“Just because I’m going to miss you when you leave.” I release him just as quickly as I hugged him and walk into the restaurant. The kitchen door shuts quickly as I walk past it toward the bathroom at the far side of the dining area.
When I emerge from the bathroom, I am preoccupied watching an adorable curly haired toddler trying to use a fork. One hand instinctively moves to rest on my lower abdomen and presses there. The pang hits me harder than usual watching her, and I can only assume it’s because of what tomorrow’s date signifies. The anniversary that took everything from me. Robbed me of the one thing I want more than anything in the world.
The one thing I would give up everything—everything—I have, if I could only have the chance again.
I’m so wrapped up in memories that I don’t notice the commotion toward the patio until I hear, “What the hell are you doing?” It’s my brother’s voice, and it takes me a couple of seconds to maneuver around the tables to try and get in the line of sight of our table.
“The lady’s with me, asshole. Keep your hands to yourself. ”
My heart stops.
I’d know that rasp of a voice anywhere. I rush quickly to the doorway, my pulse pounding and incredulity in my expression. I emerge out onto the patio to see Colton’s hand fisted in the front of my brother’s shirt, his jaw clenched, eyes full of fire. Tanner, who is still seated, is looking up at him, a smarmy look on his face. His shoulders are rigid, hands clenched quietly at his sides. The testosterone is definitely flowing.
“Colton!” I shout out.
He glances over at me and locks onto my eyes, a mixture of anger, jealousy, and aggression vibrating off of him. Tanner glances over at me, an eyebrow arching in question, his tongue tucked in his cheek.
“Colton, let go!” I demand as I stride toward him. “It’s not what you think.” I pull on his arm, and he shrugs out of my grasp, but he finally releases his hold on my brother. My heartbeat slowly decelerates. Tanner rises from his seat and squares his shoulders to Colton, an indiscernible look on his face. “Ace, meet my brother, Tanner.”
Colton’s head whips over to look at me, annoyance and hostility giving way to recognition. I can see a myriad of emotions flickering through his eyes: relief, discomfort, irritation.
I look at my brother, still unable to read him. “Tanner, this is my…” I falter, unsure what to label him. “Meet Colton Donavan.” I watch Tanner as his synapses start firing, realizing who is standing in front of him. Who I’m dating.
The tension in Colton’s shoulders relaxes some and a disbelieving smile tickles the corners of his mouth. Unapologetically, he reaches his hand out to shake Tanner’s hand. Tanner looks at Colton and his outstretched hand and then over at me. “So, Bubs, this is the asshole?” he asks, his eyes silently imploring if this is who is the current cause of my tears.
I look at him, a timid smile gracing my lips. “Yes,” I murmur answering both spoken and unspoken questions and glance over at Colton.
“Well shit,” Tanner says, grasping Colton’s hand and shaking it vigorously. “Have a seat man.” He exhales. “I need a fucking beer after that.” I stare at both of them, mystified at how men operate. Ready to go to blows one minute, in complete understanding the next.
“I’d love to, but I’m late for my afternoon meeting.” He emits a sliver of a laugh. “Nice to meet you though. Maybe another time?” Colton turns his gaze on me. “Walk me out?”
I look at Tanner and he nods at me as if to tell me to go. I exhale, not realizing I’m holding my breath, suddenly nervous to be alone with Colton. Nervous to play the disinterested and aloof card. “I’ll be right back,” I tell Tanner, feeling like a little kid asking for his consent.
“Tanner.” Colton nods at my brother in goodbye before placing his hand on the small of my back and steering me through the kitchen and out the side door of the restaurant.
The brief time it takes to walk toward a staff exit, I think of how we ended things the last time we spoke. Of the two options he gave me, pit stop or arrangement. That I gave him his pit stop, but I still feel unsettled. That because I’ve been swimming in lack of reassurance, regardless of the term, I still feel like one in a long line of bedtime companions.
I shake the thought away, forcing myself to step outside of my overemotional, over-analytical head and acknowledge that with most, success comes in baby steps. And even though Colton hasn’t expressed wanting anything more than an arrangement with me, he took a baby step in calling ‘pit stop’. No more wishy-washy, I tell myself as I recall Haddie’s advice on how to interact with him. Aloof, unattainable, but desirable.
As Colton pushes open an exit door and ushers me outside, I’m preparing myself for the question of why I’ve not called him back. He’s called me twice and I’ve physically forced myself to not react and pick up the phone.
Colton shuts the door and turns around to face me. Screw being unattainable. It takes all of my dignity to not push him up against the wall and kiss him senseless. The man makes me absolutely irrational and completely wanton.
He crosses his arms over his chest and stares at me, his head angled to the side. “So your brother’s in town?”
I give an unladylike snort. “I think we already established that,” I answer dryly, fighting the urge to gap the distance between us. “Got a short fuse, do we?”
I can’t read the look that passes through his eyes because it flashes quickly. “When it comes to you, yes. I saw his arms around you.” He shrugs—the only explanation I receive. “Is he here for long?”
I stare at him for a moment, confused by his nonchalance in regards to a fight he almost had with my brother over nothing. Finally, I glance down at my watch and rest my hips back against the retaining wall behind me, figuring I’ll let it go for now. “Yeah, just for today. He’s due at the airport in an hour and a half.” I pick a piece of lint off of my tunic sweater as a means to keep my eyes and hands occupied before smoothing it down over my leggings.
Colton leans a shoulder against the wall in front of me, and when I look up I see his eyes run the length of my legs. They travel up the rest of my body, stalling when they come to my lips and then moving back up to my eyes. “Been busy?” he asks.
“Mmm-hmm,” I answer vaguely. “And you?”
“Yeah, but this is the calm before the storm with the season just around the corner.” He stares at me, his green eyes penetrating into mine. “Did you have a good night out?” he probes.
I give him a deer in the headlights look but recover quickly when I realize he’s referring to Haddie’s little performance on the phone the other night. “From what I remember of it, yes.” I flash a sassy smirk at him, hoping my acting is convincing enough to fool him. “You know how it is when you go out…too many guys thinking they’re way too cool, too much alcohol, and too little clothes—it all becomes a blur.”
I see anger flicker through his eyes at my too many guys comment, and I like the fact that he’s bugged by the idea. I like that he’s thought about it enough to ask. And after his little altercation with Tanner, it’s more than obvious that Colton has a little jealous streak running rampant through him.
It’s kind of hot that such a streak is flaring over me.
He angles his head and studies me for a beat. For once, I don’t avert my eyes under his severe scrutiny. I hold his gaze with boredom written in my expression. “Why do you seem so distant? Unapproachable?” He grunts, surprising me with his comment.
“Unapproachable? Me? I didn’t realize I was being that way.” I feign innocence when a
ll I want to do is reach out and touch him.
“Well, you are.” He sighs, exasperation glancing across the features of his face.
“Oh, well I guess I’m just trying to abide by your parameters, Ace. Be exactly what you want me to be.” I smile sweetly at him.
“Which is what?” He huffs, confusion on his face.
“Emotionally detached, sexually available, and drama free.” I can see the muscle in his jaw pulse as he takes a step near me, irritation flashing in his eyes at the defiance in my tone. “What are you doing here?”
He stares at me long and hard with such intensity that I nearly cave and tell him how bad I want him. Screw the mind games. “Luckily I escaped without the paps following me. Kelly let me up on the roof away from the crowd for some peace and quiet to eat my lunch.” I arch a brow at him. “The owner,” he says, breathing out an exasperated sigh at either the unease between us or for feeling like he needs to explain. Maybe a bit of both. I look down and focus on the chip in my manicure, desperately wanting to approach him. Kiss him. Hug him. “It’s a good place to sit and mull things over.”
“And what exactly are you mulling over?”
“The shit that I’m supposed to be getting together,” he responds wryly. My eyes flash up to see a mixture of amusement and sincerity in his.
We stare at each other for a moment, my pulse accelerating from his proximity. I try to read the look on his face. Is he serious? Is he really trying to get his head straight or is he just mocking Haddie? I can’t tell. “I-I sh-should get back inside. I don’t have much more time until Tanner has to leave again.” I push myself up and stand.
Colton takes a step closer to me, and our bodies brush against each other’s briefly, his touch sending sparks of need spiraling through my system. I bite my bottom lip to stop myself from leaning in against him. “Can I see you later?” he asks, trailing a finger down the side of my face.