Landon and Lilith made due on their promise to target me. Being the horrible driver that I was, I kept bumping into the wall when the two of them weren’t crashing into me.
After we exited the bumper cars, Lilith handed me the last of her tickets. “I want to go on the Ferris wheel one more time before we leave. Will you go with me, Rana?”
As much as I hated heights, I just couldn’t say no to her.
As we waited our turn to get on, I glanced back at Landon and smiled at my tatted bad boy holding the giant, stuffed cow. He blew me a kiss.
See? Everything is fine, Rana. It’s a beautiful night. You can calm down.
Lilith was quiet as we got into our car and locked the bar in front of us. With a jolt, the Ferris wheel started to ascend.
I turned to her, expecting to maybe see an excited smile. My own smile faded upon realizing that her expression wasn’t like any I’d ever seen from her before. She was looking at me as if it was the first time she’d ever seen me, as if she was examining my face. Her eyeballs were moving back and forth. I knew before the words even exited her mouth.
“It’s you.”
Her words had sent what felt like a bullet through me.
I swallowed. “Who?”
“You’re the one who gave me away.”
My heart was hammering against my chest. Tears started to fill my eyes as the ride reached its highest peak. I would’ve thought I’d be panicking for my own benefit in this moment but no part of me was really scared for myself anymore—only for her.
Nodding, I finally forced the words out. “Yes.”
She closed her eyes tightly but wasn’t crying. When she opened them, she looked away from me.
“Look at me, Lilith.”
Refusing to look me in the eyes, she continued to just stare out at the crowds below. The Ferris wheel went up and down for three full cycles before she suddenly whipped her head toward me. “I thought you were my friend. You lied to me.”
It hurt so much to hear her say that.
“I didn’t mean to lie to you. I just couldn’t tell you yet. We weren’t sure if you were ready to know.”
Finally, a tear fell from her eye. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand any of this.”
My voice grew louder. “I know you don’t. I have to explain it to you, Lilith. You need to let me.”
It was an inopportune time for the ride to stop. I needed more time alone up there with her. It felt like I needed forever.
Lilith couldn’t get out of the seat fast enough. The next thing I knew, she was running toward Landon.
I ran after her.
Landon took one look at my face and knew.
“Take me home,” she said to him. “I need my mom.”
Fear filled his eyes.
I mouthed, “She knows.”
Landon knelt down on the grass, placing his hand on her shoulders. “Lilith, can we talk about this?”
He could see me shaking my head behind her. I just knew that it wasn’t the right time, that she wasn’t ready to hear it. This was too much for her.
“Please, no. Not now. Please. Don’t talk to me. I just need my mother. Just take me to my mother.”
“Okay, sweetie. We’ll take you home,” he said.
The ride back was extremely tense. From the front seat, I frantically texted Beth to let her know what had happened. She messaged me back right away and told me she would be waiting at the door. She thought it best that I didn’t come in and that I didn’t try to push the issue with Lilith tonight. We both knew Lilith enough to know that was the right move. The last thing I wanted was to upset her even further.
The second that Landon pulled up to the curb, Lilith ran out of the car, slamming the door. She couldn’t get out fast enough. Beth was waiting on the porch and took her inside.
As soon as she was out of sight, I burst into tears, letting free all of the pain I’d been forced to hold back in front of her.
Landon’s arms were around me so fast that I knew he’d been waiting for the very second he could comfort me. He held me so tightly. “I promise it’s gonna be okay.” He breathed into my hair. “I can’t believe I dropped that picture. I’m so sorry.”
“You didn’t drop it. It blew away, and honestly, this whole thing was inevitable. I was starting to think I couldn’t go much longer hiding it from her anyway.”
“Do you think it was the photo alone that did it, or do you think she suspected something before that?”
“She was acting kind of strange toward me tonight even before she saw the photo. Don’t you think so?” I sobbed. “Just quieter than usual—only toward me, not with you. Something has been off for a while. Ever since the day she brought up her adoption to me, I’ve noticed a change in her. So, I honestly don’t know. Maybe the photo just confirmed a suspicion that was already there. But I won’t know until she lets me ask her.”
“How did she bring it up?”
“Some time after the Ferris wheel started rising, she just hit me with it. She said, ‘It’s you.’”
Landon closed his eyes as if it wrecked him to hear that. “I always told you I’d be there when you told her. It kills me that I wasn’t. But clearly she wanted to get you alone.”
“The thing is…I wanted the ride to go on forever. I wish that she’d really let me talk to her. This feeling now of desperately needing to explain and not being able to do that is far worse.”
“She’s not ready. I get it. It’s too much. And she probably needs to hear things from Beth first. Once I found out her identity, I wasn’t ready to even think about Beverly for a long time. Of course, this is different because Lilith already knows you.”
“I can’t even imagine what’s going through her head about me right now. There is so much that even Beth can’t explain to her. I don’t know what I’ll do if she thinks I set out to trick her in some way. If she never wants to see me again, I will die, Landon.”
He held me tighter. “We’re gonna get through this. It’s gonna be a long few days, but I have a feeling she’s gonna hear you out.”
“I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here.”
“Well, that picture wouldn’t have flown out of my wallet, for one. I feel partly responsible for this.”
“If it wasn’t the picture, I’m certain it would’ve been something else that gave me away. Keeping the truth from her was starting to break me.”
“Well, I’m personally glad it came out, Rana. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my own experiences in life, it’s that nothing good comes from hiding the truth. It will always come out—whether you’re ready for it or not.”
NOTHING LEFT UNSAID
The letter was Landon’s idea.
Beth had been in contact with me in the days that followed the carnival to let me know how her daughter was doing. Lilith was apparently still in a bit of shock but talking more about it to her parents.
Beth said she explained everything in regards to how I came to be her “Big Sister.” She indicated that Lilith still wasn’t ready to see me but assured me that Lilith didn’t hate me.
Apparently, according to Beth, Lilith had overheard her parents talking one night. They’d mentioned my name, and that prompted her to bring up the subject of her adoption with me that one time—when inside I had freaked out and acted strange. That made her somewhat suspicious. Then, at the carnival, when she’d seen the photo, that was what confirmed it for her.
Landon knew how hard the waiting was for me. He suggested that I put my thoughts into a letter. That way, Lilith could read it at her own pace, and it would allow me to really get all of the things I wanted to say out without flubbing it up or leaving anything out.
Desperate to give her my side of the story, I spent several days doing nothing but writing to her. I wrote about my childhood, about my relationship—or lack thereof—with my mother. I wrote about the thoughts and feelings that ran through me when I first found out I was pregnant. I gave her all of t
he details about her birth and recalled the months I ran away. And I especially tried my best to express all of the regret I felt. I mostly tried to convey how much I loved her despite what my actions may have implied. I also tried my best to explain that even though I never told her my true identity, the bond we had been experiencing these past couple of years was real. I wanted her to know that she was truly getting to know the real me all of this time.
Probably the most complicated thing to explain to her was my plastic surgery. It contradicted everything I’d ever said to her about self-acceptance and loving herself just as she is. I’d often told her how beautiful she is. Would she ever believe me, knowing I’d changed my face—our face? I did my best to explain that it was much more than a need to change for physical purposes alone. But I honestly feared that my explanation would always be a hard sell for her, especially as she got further into her teen years. Without an inkling of where her head was at on the issue, I just had to pray that my actions wouldn’t harm her self-esteem in the long-term.
Each night, Landon and I would lie in bed, and he would review what I’d written that day. One of the best parts of that was the discovery that Landon had reading glasses. He looked so sexy in them as he focused on my words under the lamplight.
By the end, my letter turned into the length of a book. It was way too long to be a letter and was essentially the story of my life and the story of how she came to be. I wanted her to know everything because she deserved that.
There were lots of words crossed out and others scribbled in the corners. Because I’d changed so many things around, I decided to type up the finished product. Landon told me to print out two full copies when it was ready and give them to him along with some pictures from my childhood and teen years. I didn’t have too many, but I gave him all of the ones in my possession.
He neatly bound the papers into a pink book he’d purchased at an arts and crafts store and incorporated color Xerox copies of the photos into sections that corresponded with the timeline. He’d turned it into an actual mini-novel and made an identical copy of the book for me so that I would always have it as a keepsake. Writing it had actually been quite therapeutic.
Toward the end, I explained the mystery surrounding the envelopes of money that she would find addressed to her. I laughed when I noticed Landon had stuck in a current photo of my father. Papa was holding a cantaloupe, and it looked like he was yelling at Landon for taking his picture. It must have been taken recently. Landon captioned it God.
The photos really added humor and life to what I’d written. In the end, as painful as it was to put everything down on paper, it was beautiful.
But nothing had touched me more than what he’d added to the very end. Landon had asked for my permission to write something for her as well. I had no idea what to expect.
Lilith,
With Rana’s permission, I’ve been waiting for the right moment to share this with you. I would say there’s no better time than the present.
You know me as Rana’s boyfriend, the happy-go-lucky guy from California. But what you don’t know is how much you and I have in common.
I was adopted, too.
I understand the confusion and the occasional emptiness that goes along with knowing that the person who brought you into this world chose a life separate from you. I totally get it, Lilith. I get it so much.
My parents chose to tell me I was adopted when I was sixteen, so I was a lot older than you when I first discovered that I wasn’t related to my parents by blood. When I turned eighteen, I felt very lost in my own skin. That was when I moved out to California in search of my birth mother. Her name was Beverly. By the time I found her, it was too late. She’d passed away. I’ll never know whether she intended to find me someday. I choose to believe in my heart that we would have been reunited and that we would have had a relationship.
I’ve hoped that my sharing this would help you realize how lucky you are that your birth mother came to find you. She didn’t wait for you to go in search of her. She needed to make sure you were okay and wanted to be a part of your life.
My mother wasn’t in the right state of mind to do that because, unfortunately, she was addicted to drugs. I realize now that her actions didn’t necessarily mean she didn’t love me. She just couldn’t save herself. She couldn’t have taken care of me even if she’d wanted to. She made the decision she thought was best for me. Anyway, I’ll be happy to share more about my birth mother’s story with you someday if you want to hear about it. But truthfully, that story ended before it had a chance to begin.
Like Beverly, Rana felt that she was doing what was best for you when she gave you to your parents. Even though she always loved you, she didn’t allow herself to truly feel the love when you were born, because it was too painful. I know she explained all of this to you, but I wanted to tell you a little bit about what I’ve observed.
When I first reconnected with Rana in person, I knew that she was keeping something major from me. Every time I looked at her, I could see the weight of something so enormous in her eyes. I just didn’t know at the time that the weight was you. Now, it all makes sense. She wears you on her soul, Lilith. You’re still a part of her. Everything she does is for you—to become a better person so that she can make you proud someday. I know that the way she went about being around you was unusual, but she wanted a chance to really get to know you and for you to get to know her, too. Being with you makes her so happy. She’s always talking about how proud she is of you.
You can choose not to speak to her because of a decision she made when she was young (only a few years older than you), or you can choose to forgive her. Either way, she’s going to love you. As someone who lost the chance to get to know my birth mother, I would give anything to be in your shoes and to have that choice.
Experiencing Rana’s love for you helped to heal some of the unresolved feelings I had toward Beverly and helped me to forgive. Even more than that, it helped me to appreciate my adoptive parents, or as I like to call them—Mom and Dad. You should never have to feel like letting Rana into your life would lessen all that your parents have done for you. They will always be your parents. Trust me, we are both very lucky to have people who chose to raise us. Ask yourself if you would ever change having them as your parents. My answer to the same question would be no.
We’re also both lucky to have Rana in our lives. You have no idea how much you remind me of her when she was around your age, not just your looks, but your curious nature and your good heart. Her spirit lives inside of you.
You should use as much time as you need to absorb everything in this book. It’s a lot to take in. But we will be here when you’re ready. I say “we” because I’m not going anywhere. You will always have a friend in me. And I hope there will be lots of carnivals in our future.
Rana will love you until the day she dies, Lilith. She may be imperfect, but her love for you isn’t. It’s unbreakable. She will never leave you for as long as she lives; she made that very clear to me. We would probably be in California if she didn’t want to be near you. I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty. I just want you to know that even with how much she wanted to be with me, and how much she might have loved the sunshine and the ocean, nothing—and I mean nothing—matters to her more than you. Her love for you is bigger than any ocean in the world.
If all else fails, I hope you go to sleep tonight truly knowing that.
Landon
P.S. I said you should take all the time you need, but try not to take time for granted. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Nothing should be left unsaid. I learned that the hard way.
P.P.S. I think you and I were meant to be in each other’s lives.
STAYCATION
A few weeks passed and still no word from Lilith.
Beth had confirmed that she received the book but that her daughter wasn’t ready to open it yet. She promised to let me know when Lilith had read it and to let me know if and when Lilith wanted to see
me again.
Not being able to see her each week really hurt. I had gotten so used to having that time with her and was suffering from serious withdrawals. But I knew this time apart was necessary and prayed every night that it wasn’t permanent.
Landon had been working really hard in the truck and hadn’t taken a break since it launched. His only day off was Sunday.
We were having dinner one night when he announced, “I think we need to get away. This has been a really stressful few weeks.”
“What do you have in mind?”
“I was thinking of a staycation, actually. We’ll just take a couple of days to unwind here, well not technically here, but someplace nearby. You know, we won’t go too far, in case, by some chance, Lilith chooses those two days to come around.”
“That sounds great, but where would we go?”
“I have a place in mind.”
“Really? You already made plans?”
He winked. “I’ve got it covered. But you need to call in sick to work for a couple of nights. Can you do that?”
“Sure, yeah. I never call out, haven’t been absent since California. So, it’s about time I played that card, I suppose.”
“Or you could tell them the truth, that you’ll be playing with your boyfriend’s snake instead of theirs for a couple of days.”
I cackled. “I like the sound of that.”
Landon wouldn’t tell me where we were going, even though I knew wherever it was, it wasn’t far.
Needless to say, when we pulled up to his parents’ house on Eastern Drive, I was utterly perplexed. This was supposed to be a vacation. I loved Marjorie and Jim but had no desire to spend our little staycation with them.
“Okay. Um…I’m definitely confused.”
“I know.” He snickered as he put his truck into park in the driveway.