I step around him but stop at his side before I can leave the room, looking up at his pained face. "2Tu as mon etre." I whisper, and like a direct hit, his eyes close, and I know he understands that unless he can give me all of him, then we're done.
He doesn't stop me. I'm not sure he could if he wanted to, my words doing what I intended for them to do. I left the last part of my heart at his feet while walking calmly through the club. I'm not sure when Lewis joined my side, but sometime between the bottom of his steps and the hallway that takes me to the back parking lot, he fell in step with me. With clear eyes, despite my need to cry like a baby, I look up at him and smile a sad smile.
"How much of that did you see?"
"Don't worry about it, blondie."
"I wasn't jealous," I reiterate, wanting him to know the truth even though I'm sure it looked like something of the sort to those who might have seen the tension.
"I know," he says softly.
"Will you watch out for him?" I'm not sure why I ask, but something tells me he's going to need someone doing it. Nate's his friend, yes, but he's known me a lot longer, and with Ember in the middle of that, who knows what will happen. I just need to know he's going to have more than Liberty to help him sort his head out.
Lewis nods, and I return the gesture. On our way out to the parking lot, we continue in silence. I was in my own head, and he was, well, Lewis. Had I been in the right frame of mind, maybe I wouldn't have lost my mind a second later, but I was a girl with a bruised heart and an unclear future with the man she loved, so seeing the ex that had driven us together in the first place--the same one who had a big part to play in why he's so messed up in the head about this whole jealousy crap--leaning against his car, I was done.
Gloves off and bell rung.
D. O. N. E.
Lewis moves, speaking in his security thing, but I just don't care anymore.
"When will you get a clue?" I scream, kicking off my heels and stomping over the rough asphalt to her. She looks shocked at first, but then that nasty little sneer takes over her face. "Don't even test me tonight, Lacey. He doesn't want you; he hasn't wanted you!"
An arm grabs my elbow and tries to pull me away, but I'm too far-gone. I pull back, not letting him take me from this woman. Her cocksure attitude dims slightly, but she doesn't back off.
"For months, you sniffed around him and didn't get a clue. You couldn't hold him when you had him because you were blinded by your distrust. Distrust that will sink a relationship. It did with yours then, and it would again if he had been stupid enough to let your claws back in. But he wasn't, and because of that, he found me. Don't even test me right now because I'm over it."
"He'll always be mine!" she yells back, but I hear the tremor in her voice when I pull free from my captor and bump her with my chest, making her fall to her butt on the dirty ground.
I step over her, feet on either side of her hips and look down at her, not even caring if she can see up my skirt. She no longer looks sure of herself. She actually looks scared. I hear Lewis continue to talk, feel him try to take my arm again, and then a bang, but the only thing I care about is this stupid woman.
"He's fucking mine!" I scream. "Even if a day comes that he isn't, we will always be connected because we're meant for each other. Stop being pathetic and move the hell on!"
Without giving her another second of my time, I step over her and walk to my car, digging my keys out. I open my door, but before I drop down, I look over at where I had just been standing and see Shane next to Lewis. His whole body puffing with exertion and something I don't even have the mental capabilities to handle right now written all over his face. What I do notice, though, is the redness and swelling around his left eye. With nothing left in me, the fight all gone, I just shake my head and get in my car.
This time, this time when I turn my back from him, I'm unable to keep the tears away.
"What the hell do you mean you're going to the mountains alone?" Ember screams through the phone.
"Just what I said, Em. I called, and they had our cabin open, so I'm heading up a few days early. I just need to get my head together and figure out if I can stick this out and wait with the hopes that one day he'll trust me like I trust him, or if I need to just cut ties now. He's been calling since last night, and I know he's going to start showing up soon. That's just who he is. It's how he works, and I think it's best we both have some time to sort our heads out."
"I hate this," she complains under her breath. "Do you want me to come with you?"
God, I love my best friend. I really have the best one in the whole world.
"I'll be okay, Em. If it's meant to be, Shane and I will figure it out."
"I know. I know. I just hate knowing that you're hurting and you'll be there all alone. What if you need ice cream?"
I chuckle under my breath, feeling a little of my heartache easing up a bit. "Then I'll make sure I know where the closest Walmart is so I can buy some if need be. I promise, I'll be okay. If I've learned anything over the past year and a half, it's how to mend a broken heart."
Lies. All lies. What I don't tell her is that I already packed my portable cooler with a few cartons of ice cream and that I've already consumed my weight in a few other tubs while crying over a stupid boy. Truth be told, I don't know if we are broken up. What I do know is that things aren't in a good place, and if they can't change--well, then I've lost something beautiful. That right there, though, is what is causing me the most trouble. I know without a doubt that if Shane and I can't get past this, I'll never find this again ... ever. I'm ruined for another. My heart will always be his, no matter what. And I've struggled with that knowledge since walking away from him last night. But I would be doing us both a disservice if I didn't take this time--give us both the space to figure out where our heads are. Me, I know I deserve his complete trust. Him, he deserves to be able to give it, and in turn, know what it's like to have someone give themselves equally to the other. That's the only way we'll be able to move forward.
And it sucks.
"I love you, Em, but I need to get going. I want to hit the road before lunch so that I'm there before the afternoon rush with traffic. I promise, I'm okay."
"I still don't like it. Remember, I know how to shank."
"You don't need to shank anyone."
"I've been eyeing my toothbrush all morning, Nik. I know what I need to make things happen."
I laugh again because my best friend is the best.
"Keep it up and I'm going to call Nate and tell him you need to be in time-out from Netflix."
"Promise, Nicole. You'll call me when you get there and every damn hour so I know you're okay. I don't want you up there all alone if you need me. Mom already said she would keep Quinnie if I wanted to go with you."
"You told her?"
She's silent, and I know she told me more than she meant to.
"How much did you tell her?"
"Uh, on a scale of what to what?"
"On a scale of she's made for the sisterhood or she's told your dad and he's ready to go kill someone for hurting one of the girls he considers under his protection?"
She might as well have just said what her silence was screaming. "Tell me Emmy at least made sure to hide his guns and anything sharp?"
"I'm relatively sure nothing was within reach, if that helps."
"You know, I feel sorry for whoever your sister ends up with. Now that you're married, Maddox only has her to focus on."
She giggles. "He's even worse now with Quinnie. She's one lucky little girl."
"Excuse me? You didn't exactly feel lucky when you were on the other end of Maddox Locke's over-the-top protectiveness."
"True, but she's my baby, and I see where he was coming from now."
"Just tell me your dad isn't going to make this even more difficult for Shane? I want him to figure things out because he wants to, not because someone strong-arms him with their scary glares and growling threats."
&nbs
p; "HA!" she exclaims. "That's funny. Dad does growl when he's getting all over the top, doesn't he? Don't fret, Nik. Shane's safe from my dad. Plus, Nate took care of that."
I think back to last night, remembering the redness around his eye. I had been too conflicted with my thoughts to put two and two together, but I should have known.
"Are they okay?" I ask in concern, hoping that Shane and Nate's friendship and business partnership doesn't get weird because we're ... whatever we are.
"You know how it is. Nate loves you like his own sister. You're worried about my dad doing something, but keep in mind, Nate was raised by those very same over-the-top men. Shane knows he screwed up." I can practically see her waving her hands in the air while she talks.
"What a freaking mess," I huff, zipping up my bag of toiletries and tossing them in the duffle bag with my other bathroom products and styling tools. You would think I was moving with the amount of crap I have packed up, but with the unexpected early departure, I basically tossed all my packing lists out the window. What a freaking mess, indeed.
"I love you," Ember says, no longer holding the strong emotional rage she had been exhibiting since I called her thirty minutes ago.
"I love you back. I'll call you later, okay?"
We get off the phone, and I make quick work of finishing my packing. Since I didn't have time to get the provisions that Shane and I had planned to get before heading up later this week, I needed to do about a million other things before locking myself away, so I didn't waste a second throwing all my crap in my car and hitting the road.
I know he'll come after me. After he figures out where I am, that is.
I just need to give myself enough of a head start that I'm able to take some time and figure out what I'm going to do when he does.
Do I settle and take the man who makes me drunk with every mixed drink of emotion, knowing I can love him enough for the both of us ... or do I hold my ground and demand what I know I deserve?
All of him.
* * *
1 my heart
2 you had all of me - roughly translated from 'you have my being'
IT'S BEEN TWO FUCKING DAYS. Two days of nothing but silence from Nikki. I've called her over and over, left numerous voicemails--so many I've lost track of what I said in the majority of them--and now her phone no longer gives me the option to leave one. I've done nothing in those two days but frantically try to find her and get lost in my own head. One thing I've been successful in, though, is seeing the enormity of what she had said before leaving the other night.
After the first twenty-four hours without Nikki, I knew the one thing I had been too blind with my past to see and, for the first time since my mom died, I knew I wasn't the one in control of my future. There was no way I could take back the reins either because the only way I would ever be able to find a way to ease the torment in my mind was to hand them over to the woman who owns them.
On top of everything being tits up with Nikki, my best friend hasn't spoken to me about anything other than what was necessary for Dirty, and my sister hasn't taken my calls since she found out Nikki and I got in a fight. Like I'm not beating myself up enough? They are the only two people who I had known over the years and could always count on, but it was clear they knew what I couldn't see yet. It was their silence that helped me see what Nikki had been telling me before she left too.
I knew the second I realized she wasn't sitting at the bar anymore that she had seen what I had been struggling with for weeks. I also knew instantly I fucked up. I fucked it all up. And I'm the only one who can put it all back together.
Now I'm stuck in a tailspin, unable to control fuck all, and I can't get a grip long enough to take the steps I need to get it all back. One thing's for sure ... I will. All I've thought about for two days--aside from making sure Lacey was taken care of once and for all--was how I would prove to Nikki that she's wrong and I do trust her.
"Fuck," I hiss, punching my wheel when traffic goes from thick to standstill.
When she walked out of the office the other night, Nate was in my face. He must have known something was going on, even if he hadn't been there to witness it, because she couldn't have been halfway down the stairs before he stormed into my office and I had his right hook slamming against my face. All he said was, "I warned you," and then he was gone just as fast as he came. It was as if someone had turned on a switch when his fist connected with my eye--I was rushing through the club, holding up the pants I had hastily shoved on when I rushed to her side just minutes before while I sprinted as fast as I could to catch her before she left.
A lot of good that did me.
Then I had to deal with the Lacey mess, and even though I wish she hadn't shown up, at least I was able to get an order of protection and she wouldn't be back without getting arrested. She might try again, but since her daddy is trying to run for senate, I doubt she'll risk it for fear that he'll finally get sick of her bullshit and cut her off. All that was left with Lacey, as far as I was concerned, was getting Nikki to file for her own restraining order.
I look down at my phone, checking the time on my Waze app and again feel nothing but frantic need to start plowing through traffic.
One more hour.
One more hour and I'll be facing the biggest fight of my life.
One hour until I give her the only thing I know will prove to her that I do trust her. That I trust her with more than what she could ever think to want or need.
Her badly pronounced French words from the other night come back, a ghost of a whisper through my mind. Oh, Nicole Clark, I'll have all of you again. There's no other life I can face living if it's not with her in it.
One hour turned into two and my confidence turned into nerves.
I wasn't nervous about what I needed to do--no, I was nervous that she would have used these past two days to realize I wasn't worth the fight. I knew deep down that couldn't be true, but it doesn't take away from the very real fear I have over making myself vulnerable for the first time since I learned how to prevent it.
I park next to her old Toyota and kill the engine, staring at the rustic log cabin that we had spent a whole week searching for on various vacation rental sites. She had known instantly that this was the perfect one for us to get away to, and she wasn't wrong. There wasn't another house around us. The long and winding road that took me up here had been all ours. The closest grocery store was ten miles back, and aside from the five other places scattered over the mountain, we were alone. Of course, that had been something we made sure of in order to have nothing but privacy to enjoy each other wherever and however we wanted--now it would ensure we had a whole different kind of privacy.
The door opens and Nikki steps on to the porch. She leans against the doorjamb and watches me as I climb out of the car, shutting the door and walking toward her. She looks beautiful even though it's clear that she's tired. Her long hair is pulled up on top of her head in a messy ball--one of those bun things girls spend a shit ton of time making sure it looks perfect. Her face is free of makeup, making her look young and innocent with her dusting of freckles across the bridge of her nose. However, it's the redness around her eyes that makes me pause halfway up the steps.
"I figured you would be here tomorrow. I should have known you'd figure it out sooner than that."
"I would have been here yesterday if I could have been."
She nods, a sad one that looks like it takes all her strength.
"Come on," she says softly, turning and walking into the cabin. Her bare feet silent against the hardwoods.
I follow without argument, taking her lead. When she stops in the living room, I wait, not speaking. She points at the couch and drops down in a chair near it, but far enough that she's out of my reach. Again, I don't speak and let her call the shots.
"I don't imagine you would have come all this way without knowing how you wanted this conversation to go, Shane, so go ahead and say it."
I lean forward in my seat
, rubbing my hands against my jeans and bracing my elbows on them before looking up and holding her gaze.
"I fucked up, mon coeur. I fucked it all up, and you did the right thing by leaving." Clearly, that wasn't what she expected as shock reigns over her features. "There aren't any words to express how sorry I am that I hurt you, Nikki. Not a fucking one that will be strong enough to even begin to try to fix it. I'll live with that, and hopefully, you'll give me a chance to prove that I'll do everything in my power to ensure I never hurt you again."
"Shane," she whispers, a tear falling free of her eye and trailing down her cheek.
I stop her, continuing with the words I've gone over and over on my way to her. "You were right. I used all the shit from my past to excuse the fact that I wasn't willing to trust you--even though I knew deep down that I could. Fuck, cherie, I know it's the weakest excuse in the world, but I couldn't see past the only thing I had ever known and because of that, I hurt you. I trust you, wholly and without doubt, and I just didn't and couldn't see it until it was too late."