A short woman wearing a long, white nightgown smiles at me from under a ginormous coif of rust-colored hair. I’m completely lost in the pile of curls on her head, that at first I don’t hear a thing she says.
“Honey?”
She tilts her head to the side and smiles up at me again. How does her hair not fall off her head? I ask myself, in disbelief. I smile back and thrust my hand out for her to shake while I introduce myself.
“Piper Willow.” We smile at each other for a brief moment and then she quickly ushers me into the tiny room she came from.
“We’ve been waiting for you, Piper,” she says sweetly as she takes my narrow shoulders and guides me to an empty chair at the back of the packed room.
At least twenty faces turn to glance at me and I notice all of them are teenagers. I spot the girl in the yellow sundress and we smile at each other. She is sitting two rows in front of me, next to another girl, perhaps about her age who is wearing a long black shift dress.
Interesting outfit to die in.
“Okay, class. Now that our last New Arrival has…well, arrived,” a few of the boys laugh at the unintended joke, “…we can start with your Orientation.”
Mrs. Sweet Big Hair looks at me with a nod and even though I temporarily feel put on the spot, I don’t feel uncomfortable - in fact, Mrs. Sweet Big Hair makes me feel welcome and relaxed. She reminds me of Niles, though they look nothing alike. I sit back in my chair and take a moment to scan the room. What’s interesting is that most of the boys are fully clothed, with one exception…a thin young man, about my age, who is wearing nothing but pajama pants. Suddenly, I don’t feel as naked as I did before.
“So, I know most of you are confused, maybe even upset about being here. My job is to explain to you how the Station works and what your options are.”
My interest is instantly piqued. I lean forward in my chair, like most of my fellow ‘classmates’ while we listen to Mrs. Sweet Big Hair tell us why we are here.
“I won’t be able to answer all of your questions, but I can say that each one of you has a choice to make.”
She smiles at the room sweetly. I can’t imagine anything depressing this woman enough to take her own life, she’s too darn happy.
“The Station serves two very important purposes. We help many people move on to their next journey of course, but most importantly, we help those in need.”
Those in need.
I furrow my brows together, clearly confused. The boy next to me squirms in his seat and he too looks confused and maybe a little worried. For the first time I notice the ceiling matches the milky floor…it’s not exactly moving, but it reminds me of something organic.
“See, when you chose to end your life…you took a path that landed you here. Think of it as a fork in the road that wasn’t meant to be there. Anyhoo, now you are here and you can either return back,” there is a collective gasp in the room, “…or, you can opt-out…and move on to your own version of what some of us call Hell.” Every bottom in the room wiggles around nervously in their seat.
A chunky boy with small, beady eyes interrupts her, “What do you mean, go back?”
“Well, it’s not quite what you think,” she says, with that sweet smile again. “You can’t return back to your life. You died, remember? What you can do is volunteer to go back as the temporary subconscious of a person in need.”
I tilt my head to the side at the same time as the person in front of me. I feel my heart-rate quicken.
This is not what I expected…at all.
“If you do become a Volunteer, as most New Arrivals do, you will go through training and be given an assignment…a person within your age range that is dangerously depressed or hurting enough to end their own life. It is the Volunteer’s job to keep this person safe from self-injury. This is our way of giving back. You can see, hear, and feel most everything through your assignment, but they are never aware of your presence and despite how hard you try, they will not always hear you. Volunteers stay with each assignment until they are no longer needed. Either the person dies, or they improve to a point where they can handle life on their own once again. When that happens, Volunteers return here to the Station for a new case. And so goes your existence until you are ready to move on.”
No way.
She raises her hand to quell the flurry of interruptions and the group becomes instantly quiet again. I glance around the room and I’m sure my face mirrors the perplexed and terrified expressions of those around me.
“Now. If you do not wish to become a Volunteer, you have only one other option. You can opt-out.” She says the last two words with reverence. “You must understand though that everything that pushed you to end your life follows you…the pain, the sorrow, the loss, the guilt, the hopelessness. With those feelings, you spend the rest of your existence. Alone.” She pauses, takes a deep breath, and then says in a quiet voice, “Only the strongest and bravest New Arrivals elect this option.”
The room stills around me. Now I understand why she said most people choose to become Volunteers. I ended my life because I couldn’t handle the pain and the guilt…spending eternity with it would be just…unbearable.
That’s not an option.
We sit, mesmerized by Mrs. Sweet Big Hair, as she goes into full detail about both of our ‘options’. Niles stated clearly that this place wasn’t Hell, but both of these choices seem like punishment to me. Before Orientation is over, I know which one I will choose and it’s an easy choice for me to make because I’m not strong…or brave.
Not anymore.
***
I stand in the short line behind Yellow Sundress Girl…waiting for Mrs. Sweet Big Hair to pass me my orientation pass. I’m to take it next door to the Training Department immediately. After she places the small rectangular object in my hand, I turn it over once, noticing no markings on the smooth red glass surface. She nods kindly at me and shakes my hand before I turn to leave the room.
Standing in the far corner is a boy much taller than me. He wears all black clothing and his thin, dark hair lies flat on top of his head. He glares at the room and makes no effort to get in line for a pass. I move very slowly from the front of the room, back to the door, letting Mrs. Sweet Big Hair reach him first.
“Jeremy,” she says to him, with a soft look in her eyes, “have you made a decision?”
“I won’t go back,” he says flatly.
I see her nod, understanding on her face. But I’ve reached the door now and if I don’t go through it, they will both know I’m hovering. I open it slowly and risk a final glance at the tall young man before I hear Mrs. Sweet Big Hair talk again.
“If this is what you want, I can help you move on, Jeremy.”
“I can’t go back. I won’t do it.” His voice is strained, tight with emotion.
“Okay. You’ll have to come with me.”
Wow.
CHAPTER 6
“Come on everyone, quiet down. Attention, please!”
The room settles into an uneasy hush. I stand near the back, two people away from Yellow Sundress Girl. The Training Department lobby is massive. And just as I expected, it looks like the other main buildings except the entryway is much wider. To accommodate group arrivals?
“I need teens through door one, twenties through door two, thirties through door three, forties through door four…you get the picture?”
A hairy main with a portly belly is weaving through the crowd of people…pointing at doors and answering questions in little quips. I bet he’s wished a million times he chose a different last outfit. His too-tight tee shows the fold of his under belly and his boxer shorts sag crookedly on his wide hips.
Poor guy. Guess that could explain his pissy demeanor.
“So, this is our room?”
There's a timid high-pitched voice to my right and I turn to find Yellow Sundress Girl standing at my elbow. In front of us is a closed, red door simply marked: ONE. I know that the first thing we will do behind t
his door is attend a crash Therapy course. A chance to pick a part the choice me made that ended us all here. I am not looking forward to Therapy in the after-life, at all.
I smile broadly at the younger girl standing beside me and she relaxes her shoulders a bit. I think I’ve made her nervous for some reason. Her almond shaped eyes are dark brown but inviting, and her short, black hair is silkier than anything I’ve seen before. The rich honey-color of her Asian skin goes perfectly with the happy hue of her dress. As I look at her I think she’s quite beautiful and I wonder what it was in her life that made her want to leave it.
“I’m Piper.” I smile at her.
“My name is Kerry-Anne.” She returns a shy smile.
“Nice to meet you, Kerry-Anne.”
The chunky boy with beady eyes brushes rudely past me and leans forward to open the door. In his hurry, he steps on one of my bare feet, which surprisingly doesn’t hurt but he continues on as if nothing happened. I glare at his back rolls and stick my tongue out while Kerry-Anne giggles softly, covering her mouth with one of her dainty hands.
As Beady Eyes goes into the room first, I silently ask why he’s so anxious for the next step. All I really want to do is find somewhere dark and quiet to hide in for a while. Kerry-Anne tugs softly on my hand, pulling me into the room behind her which snaps me out of my self-wallowing. I think instantly that we will become good friends.
***
I feel like I’ve been emotionally and physically drained, and stripped and prodded for centuries by the time we are allowed out of our first training session. Kerry-Anne seems just as overwhelmed when we make our way out of the building and find ourselves drawn to the fountain. We sit on the edge, a few feet away from three other girls we trained with.
“I don’t think I can do this,” Kerry-Anne says softly.
“Sure you can. I mean, we have to.” I try and smile at her.
“But what if I totally fail…again?” She’s looking down at her hands.
Fail…again?
“Remember what our trainer said…we won’t get our first case until they know we are ready.” I pat her hands and she flinches before looking up at me with sad, brown eyes.
I sigh. I don’t want to admit out-loud that I have my own self-doubts. I glance at the groups of people that hover around the buildings, and the few that seem on a mission…walking briskly from one place to another. That's when I spot Niles coming toward the fountain and I grin at him. I'm beyond happy to see a friendly face.
“Niles!” I stand to hug him as he approaches and he pats me lightly on the back.
“So, I see you have decided to stay and become a Volunteer?”
I nod but my face must give away my doubts because he leans forward and playfully pinches one of my cheeks.
“You will make a great Volunteer.” His gentle smile warms me.
I turn sideways so that Niles is facing Kerry-Anne.
“Kerry-Anne, this is Niles Abbott…my Intake Specialist.”
She stands shyly and nods at Niles, who grins but doesn’t offer his hand. He must know she takes some warming up to, but his smile seems to ease her nerves some.
“It’s very nice to meet you, Kerry-Anne.”
“You too.” Her quiet, mumbled reply is barely audible.
“Kerry-Anne, mind if I borrow Piper for just a minute?”
“No, of course not.” Her eyes widen, as if I'm in trouble.
“Everything’s fine. I’ll return her to you momentarily.” He smiles his perfect Niles Smile and I follow him pass the Training Department to the much smaller staff building.
When he pushes open the front door, I stand awkwardly behind him unsure of what it is he wants me to do.
“It’s okay Piper, there’s someone who wants to meet you and this is the most private place available right now.” He urges me inside and closes the door behind us. I jump as the large piece of wood clunks into place.
“Have I done something wrong?” I ask timidly.
“Oh, gosh no! I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to worry you. Here, come this way.”
My naked feet pad softly on the cold floor as I follow him around a corner and through a small open doorway. There is a large conference style table sitting in the center of the room and a startlingly beautiful girl about my age sitting with her elbows resting on the table. When we enter the room she stands abruptly and looks nervously between me and Niles. She’s wearing a long-sleeve sweater the color of pink bubblegum that hugs her curves and a short pleated skirt. I think ‘Cheerleader’ and instantly dislike her.
Confused, I look up at Niles who is smiling down at me. “Piper, this is Mallory Storm. She was your Volunteer.”
My Volunteer?
Mallory’s breath hitches as my face falls. She hasn’t moved from her spot behind the table and I’m not sure I want her to come near me. Am I mad at her for failing me…or should I be grateful she tried at all?
I'm so confused.
“I don’t understand,” I say just above a whisper…aiming the question at Niles.
“Piper, usually Volunteers don’t meet their assignments, but when you arrived Mallory insisted on it. I’ll wait outside in the hall for you, okay?” Niles says calmly.
“You’re leaving me here…with her?” I gasp.
For the first time, Niles looks sternly at me, before he says quietly, “Piper, this is a conversation that I believe should be held in private…between only you and Miss Mallory.” And with that he leaves the room, closing the door softly behind him.
***
“Please, sit down,” Mallory says, using her hand to gesture at one of the vacant chairs. I notice that her hand is shaking slightly and this makes me just a little bit happy.
“Should I be upset with you?” I’m not sure why I ask the question and it seems to surprise Mallory.
“Well, I guess that feeling could be mutual.” She smiles at me, a knowing look in her eyes.
“You think I let you down?” I ask incredulously.
Mallory sighs and shifts in her chair. I’m trying not to stare at her features, but her large, blue eyes, full and perfectly rosy lips and long blonde hair is a bit distracting. She’s the Station’s version of a living Barbie doll.
“I do feel as if I let you down. I hope you know that,” she says it quietly.
“When did you become my Volunteer?” I ask.
“Just shortly after…Ryan.” She brings her gaze up from the table and looks directly at me.
I inhale sharply. “Ryan? You know about that?”
“Of course, Piper. I was in your head for several months. I know pretty much everything.”
My mouth falls open and I’m sure my jaw has hit the floor. When I register the fact that my tongue is still attached and working, I swallow…hard.
“I don’t like the idea of someone being in my head,” I say a bit harshly and Mallory flinches.
“But Piper - that is what you’ve just volunteered to do.”
Oh. Crap. She’s right. I hate that she’s right.
I glare down at my hands, which I’ve been twisting in my lap. It was a habit my Dad hated. I take a deep breath and set my hands calmly on the table top. I let the coolness of the blue-tinted glass run through my skin and imagine it cooling the rising heat of my face.
“Then you know…everything?” I look up at her cautiously.
“Yes. Everything. I know you better than Niles does. And Niles knows a lot.” She smiles and I’m sure she’s a bit embarrassed.
“This is so weird,” I mumble to myself.
“I wanted you to know that I tried very hard for you Piper. I really wish things had…ended…differently for you.” I glare at her but I notice when I do that her eyes are beginning to water.
No way. She’s going to cry? For me?
At once I feel like a jerk for making her feel bad. I know after my first training session that Volunteers have no actual control over their assignments. This wasn’t Mallory’s fault, it was mine. Only m
ine.
“I don’t…remember you,” I admit quietly.
“Well, you wouldn’t. From your perspective I was just the nagging voice inside your head. But you are a very stubborn woman, Piper. It was hard for you to hear me.” She laughs then, which makes me smile. Because she’s right…I’m very stubborn. Always have been, probably always will be.
Her face darkens a bit and somehow I know what she’s going to say. “I’m so sorry about Bree. I really liked her.”
Now it’s my turn to cry. I blink rapidly, hoping that keeps the tears from spilling out onto my cheeks, but one manages to escape. Its salty trail trickles over my lips before I have a chance to wipe it away. I can’t speak, so I just nod my head. Mallory gets up slowly from her chair and walks around the table, sitting down carefully into the seat next to me.
“Listen, Piper. You’ve been through a lot. More than any eighteen year old should have to. I know more than anyone what it feels like to be in your situation. Remember, we were matched for a reason? We can’t go back and change the past, but we can make a difference with the future for others.”
Her words are like a soft blanket draped around my shoulders and I look up at her with a small smile. She’s right of course…again. I can’t go back and change the past, even though I know I would do it differently if I could. To think how selfish my decision was brings me nearly to tears again. I can't go back and fix my life. But I can make someone else’s life better. I could even save someone from themself.
“How long have you been here?” I ask her.
She laughs that throaty perfect laugh again. “Oh Piper, I have no idea. But I’ve handled 72 cases. I admit I took a bit of a break after your case." She says the last sentence quietly and looks down at her hands.
I can’t stop myself from blurting out what I know is true, “It wasn’t your fault.”
She smiles a face-splitting grin before leaning over to hug me. I notice her hair smells like grapefruit, just like mine. I hug her back and when we release we both have tears in our eyes.
“You are going to be such a great Volunteer, Piper. You’re a very brave girl.”
Me…brave? I hope she’s right. Someone else’s life will eventually depend on it.
CHAPTER 7
It seems like Therapy lasts forever in Training. I've picked apart my experience with Ryan Burke and Bree's death with our Trainer. And surprisingly, my story isn't that much different from the others in my classes. It makes me feel like less of a failure and more like a survivor, as ironic as that seems. I know what happened with Ryan wasn't my fault now and that not all young men are like him. Does that change things? Well, not yet, I guess. I can still feel a wall around me when it comes to my thoughts about the opposite sex.