Thomas:
Hair!
Myolaena:
(Aside) He's not the sharpest sword in the armory, is he?
David:
We shall split the difference, partner. Off with her head.
Thomas:
Okay.
Myolaena:
(Waving hands) Time stop. (David, Thomas, and Penny freeze.) Perhaps here we have a tool for my design, a cog for my wheel, a fly for my web. Thank heavens for metaphor!
(Myolaena snaps her fingers and Penny unfreezes.)
Penny:
Who are you?
Myolaena:
I am your savior. I am your friend. I will deliver you from certain death.
Penny:
Thank you, Mistress.
Myolaena:
In exchange, you will do a thing for me.
Penny:
What can I do? Steal something?
Myolaena:
Perhaps you can do just that. I have brewed this potion. One drop will bring forth the greatest amore-- love, devotion, and kind affection. With it, you will steal the King's heart for me. You will sneak into the castle and pour this dram upon the King's head as he sleeps. He will fall horribly in love with the first woman he sees wearing a golden locket, as indeed I will be wearing.
Penny:
I know not what I should do,
But one thing's sure, I am through,
No matter which way that I turn,
My lot's beheading or a slow burn.
To turn on the King is treason, true,
But you don't know HER, like I do,
There's nothing worse than magic ladies,
Not scary giants, not burning Hades.
What a fix my deeds have wrought,
Oh what a prize my sins have bought,
I sought with guile to fetch my bread,
So they want to part me from my head.
Oh wretched me, a pretty child,
Whose way went out a little wild,
I can't escape to foreign lands,
So I do as she commands.
I will do as you instruct. (Exits)
Myolaena:
And when you poor this liquid on the King, he will have you killed. And I will have no witnesses to my designs, and nothing these buffoons could ever uncover.
(Myolaena exits. David and Thomas unfreeze.)
Thomas:
What?
David:
I was just saying that I have a mind to go find a dragon and kill it.
(Enter Priss)
Priss:
Did I hear someone mention dragonslaying?
David:
Yes, citizen.
Priss:
Aren't you afraid? Dragons are over two hundred feet long. They can fly. They can breath fire and cast magic spells. They can shoot beams of energy from their eyes.
David:
I can see that you know much of dragons, friend. What is your name?
Priss:
Prissus Draco Noventus Augustus, but my friends all call me Priss.
David:
Well, Priss. Did you know dragons can use magic to take on human form?
Priss:
(Incredulous) Really? Then how can you tell they are dragons?
David:
It's not easy. They have coppery complexions, not unlike yourself. But unlike you Priss, they have very long names.
Priss:
I see. Are they dangerous in human form?
David:
Quite. And they walk among the cities to study men so that they may trick them. But we are way too smart to be fooled by a dragon.
Thomas:
Yup.
Priss:
Oh, I can see that. Would you mind if I tagged along to see the dragon?
David:
Sure! Come along! (Exit David and Priss)
(Enter Knights' Girls who step forward and deliver their lines as a chorus.)
Knights' Girls:
They hunt for a dragon, and we say OH MY!
Some fellow among them might possibly die,
Dragons are scary and can make one dead,
Then there'd be one less bachelor to wed.
Nothing good comes from hunting dragons,
These boys should stick to baseball and red wagons.
(Exit Knights' Girls. Enter Britomart, who confronts Sir Thomas.)
Britomart:
Halt Knight!
Thomas:
Okay.
Britomart:
I am Britomart, Lady Knight. I am cursed to challenge all the knights in Celestria until I am defeated.
Thomas:
Okay. (They fight)
Britomart:
Alas, you are doomed, Knight. You see I am destined to slay every foe I face until I meet the simplest man in the realm. (They continue to fight.)
Thomas:
Okay. (He strikes and she falls.) Goodbye. (Thomas exits.)
Britomart:
But Wait!
(Steps forward and speaks to the sky.)
Oh, great guardians above,
Can this thing I feel be love,
I've been defeated by his sword,
But his face has struck a chord,
Of love within this sad, sad breast,
I now of men have found the best!
(Exit Britomart)
(Enter the Queen)
Queen:
Alas! Why is it that I was not married to a man who could love me? I have been a dutiful daughter and a dutiful wife. I have born two strong young Princes to be heirs to my husband. All I desire in life is love, and love is the one thing I do not have.
(Folds her hands in prayer)
I ask the sky and stars above,
Why is it I cannot have love,
Though many years we two are wed,
He does not care if I am dead,
A cold and wintery life is this,
If never falls a wedded bliss,
If he shall never know love true,
Then I forever shall be blue.
(Enter Phoebe)
Phoebe:
Your Majesty. Your royal father has sent you a gift.
Queen:
What is it?
Phoebe:
This royal locket. It was forged high in the mountains by the cloud giants for Queen Nepsis of the Antediluvians. Now it is yours.
Queen:
It is very beautiful. Pity it cannot bring me love.
Phoebe:
Take heart, Majesty. Love will come for you someday. You will get what you deserve. Everyone does.
Queen:
You always know what to say, Phoebe. (Exit Queen)
Phoebe:
It is my duty and my charge, Your Majesty, to always say the right thing. Even when there is no right thing to say, I still say it. And who appreciates it? Only the Queen. No one else. (Exit Phoebe)
(Enter the King)
King:
I am tired of ruling. Perhaps I should give the city over to a regent and go upon a crusade against the goblins or the Eskimos.
(More Poetry)
The crown lies heavy on the head,
And chases sleep from out my bed,
The people, nobles-- beggars too,
All count on me. You know it's true,
And who have I to count upon?
None but those who grovel and faun,
On Myo's arm I sometimes lean,
Though she has prove she's quite mean,
For the Prince's help I would be pleased,
But his tutors say he's RPCed,
So I'm alone and feeling weary,
I order all eyes to be teary!
(The king lies down to sleep. Enter Penny, sneaking. She pours a potion on the king's head.)
King:
(Waking) What is this? An assassin! (Grabs Penny) Guards!
Penny:
Alas, I am always being grabb
ed.
King:
You shall squeal.
Penny:
Like a stuck pig, Your Majesty.
King:
You will spill the beans.
Penny:
Like a rotten gunny-sack, Your Majesty.
King:
You will tell me your master's name.
Penny:
Like a scared school girl!
(Enter the Queen, wearing the locket and Phoebe)
King:
(Seeing the Queen) Oh sweet angel. Oh blessed thing! Oh object of my desires! Where did you come from?
Queen:
Well, I've been here all the time.
King:
Was I so blind that I could not see such a goddess, such a creation, such a vision?
Queen:
Yes. Yes you were.
King:
Come with me. We will never be apart again.
(Exit King and Queen)
Phoebe: I must confess that I know not what to say. (To Penny) You had best come with me.
Penny:
Yes.
(Exit Phoebe and Penny. Enter Myolaena.)
Myolaena:
Here's one of my pretty plots brought to ruin by wretched chance. Fear not. I have others. (Exits)
(Enter Waiting Women, who step forward and deliver their lines as a chorus.)
Waiting Women:
Our dreams have been answered: Hooray for the Queen,
We're happier now than we've ever been,
No more will we have to mop up her tears,
We shall sit and enjoy her laughter for years.
The timing is perfect for this to come 'bout,
The Prince is grown up and about to move out,
We are so happy for the Queen we do love,
And wish that all the world might find love.
Unfortunately we're all mired in such bogs,
Life would be better if men weren't such dogs.
(Enter David, Thomas, and Priss)
Priss:
Well, we've searched every cave and cavern in the countryside.
David:
I don't understand why the dragon wasn't there.
Priss:
Perhaps he flew south for the winter.
David:
Sir Drake never mentioned anything about that at the academy.
Priss:
Perhaps the dragon heard you were coming and was frightened away.
David:
That's probably it! And what dragon wouldn't be frightened to see us coming?
Priss:
(Steps forward to address the audience with his poem.)
Oh what fools these humans be,
And they have yet to watch TV,
I'll be you gold coins to tomatoes,
They turn into old couch potatoes,
They dance like puppets on little strings,
When I feel the need to stretch my wings,
And when I feel the need to play,
Like tennis balls they mark the day,
There is one fair human maid,
In quest of whom some plans I've laid,
And she may soon be quite dismayed,
And that?
David:
(Steps forward and interrupts Priss with his own poem.)
The gods above have shined on me,
And shed their tears for they can see,
That among them, none's my match,
And for women, I'm a catch.
I have the sharpest rapier wit,
Of knowledge, I have every bit,
Of beauty, there can be none better,
All women love but none can fetter,
I must be free to roam and venture,
Till I am old, and? um? and need a denture.
(Enter Myolaena)
Myolaena:
I would be happy. I would be merry. If they'd burn the rhyming dictionary!
Thomas:
What? Ho!
David:
Stop Sorceress! The king has ordered your arrest.
Myolaena:
Arrest me? How can a fuzzy kitten arrest me? You are a fuzzy kitten! (Waves her hands to cast a spell, but nothing happens.) What's wrong? You are a fuzzy kitten!
David:
It's no use Sorceress. My friend Priss has given me a charm to protect me from your spells.
(Enter the King)
King:
You have conspired against me, Myolaena. You must be punished.
Myolaena:
You can't do anything to me. You need me. Who will protect you from the hordes of goblins and monsters? Who will enchant your armor, breed your winged horses, or transport your armies through the ether? You need me.
King:
Quite right, and besides the results of your plots have rendered me a certain service, in providing me with the most delightful creation of womanhood.
(Enter the Queen. She takes the King's hand.)
King:
But you must be kept in check. I have decided you must be married. Your husband will become the object of your plots, and save the rest of us much trouble. You shall marry Sir David!
David:
Sire! I like this not!
Myolaena:
No! I'll not be given over to that braggart. I'd turn myself into a toad first. I would rather marry that great fool, Sir Frontal Lobotomy (gestures at Thomas).
King:
Very well. Marry Sir Thomas.
Thomas:
Okay.
(Enter Britomart)
Britomart:
Hold! I claim this man by right of his conquest. No man has ever made me feel the way that he has.
Myolaena:
Supreme. Another melon-head heard from.
Britomart:
Can you imagine going through life with the thought that there may be no one for you to love? Can you imagine living such a terrible life?
Queen:
I understand your pain, Lady Knight.
Myolaena:
Oh, can we just get on with this?
King:
Very well. Sir Thomas will marry the lady warrior.
Thomas:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a wife now,
Yup.
King:
We will have to find another husband for you, Sorceress.
Priss:
If it please your Majesty, I will have the wench.
King:
Fine. The wedding will be on the morrow. (Exit King, Queen, Knights)
Priss:
Come now my wife to be. I will show you whom your husband really is.
Myolaena:
I cannot marry just anyone. My husband must be of noble ancestry.
Priss:
My dear. I can trace my family back to the dinosaurs.
Myolaena:
What is it about you that I find strangely compelling? It's as if I can refuse you nothing.
Priss:
Oh, how I have wanted you. I've laid plots and cast spells to bring all this about. I will show you arcane mysteries that you can only imagine.
Myolaena:
Oooh, keep talking that way.
The End.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Wesley Allison lives in Henderson, Nevada with his wife Victoria, daughter Rebecca, his son John, and their iguana Cissy. He has taught English and History at B. Mahlon Brown Junior High School for sixteen years.
Books by Wesley Allison
Princess of Amathar
His Robot Girlfriend
Eaglethorpe Buxton and the Elven Princess
Eaglethorpe Buxton and the Sorceress
And coming soon:
Senta and the Steel Dragon
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Mike Smith's life was crap, living all alone, years after his wife had died and his children had grown up and moved away. Then he saw the commercial for the Daffodil. Far more than other robots, the Daffodil could become anything and everything he wanted it to be. Mike's life is about to change.
Transported to the mysterious artificial world of Ecos, Earth man Alexander Ashton struggles to understand the society of his new friends the Amatharians. As he does so, he finds himself falling in love with their princess and being thrust into a millennium-long war with their mortal foes the reptilian Zoasians. Princess of Amathar is a sword-swinging novel of high adventure, in the spirit of Edgar Rice Burroughs, spanning a world filled with fantastic alien civilizations, strange creatures, and bold heroes.
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