But that didn’t solve his problem about what to plant. He found himself longing for oats, but there wasn’t even a pretend market for those, and how would he harvest them? Corn was the tall, golden darling. Those broad leaves rose, stretched out, and soaked up the sunshine, and one kernel planted turned into hundreds harvested—and there was your problem. Plenty of soybeans in those storage bins, no two ways about that, but Joe decided in the end to plant more beans this year than corn. They were starting to make stuff out of beans—not just oil and feed, but paint, plastic, and fiber. John thought beans were a passing fad, though the fad hadn’t passed in fifteen years. Joe knew he could press the point, and John would yield.
—
AS SOON AS she came back from Caracas, Andy made her first appointment with Dr. Smith, whose office was in Princeton. Dr. Smith’s house on Green Street in Princeton was much more difficult to get to from Englewood Cliffs than Dr. Grossman’s office on West Seventy-eighth Street, but the inconvenience of the trip was part of its appeal.
Dr. Smith was taller than Andy, with eyes so blue that they were used-up-looking, as if Dr. Smith were on his way to becoming an albino, but his gaze was keen, and he had a beaky nose and muscular wrists. He shook her hand and looked her up and down, then led her to his therapy room. His fee was twice Dr. Grossman’s. She had not fired Dr. Grossman, or vice versa. Dr. Grossman thought that her issues with her father were on the verge of being resolved. Lars Bergstrom had always been a quiet man, but powerful in his way. If they could get to the heart of Lars’s pattern of withholding affection and approval from Hildy (the child Andy) and Sven, there would be real improvement.
Dr. Smith said, “You may notice that I don’t have a couch. Adults should sit up. If you need to lie down, or wrestle with some objects, or hit things, that’s what those two mats in the corner are for. This room has been soundproofed. You are free to misbehave, and also to behave.” Andy looked around. The office could as easily have been a public bathroom—that was the thought that came to her. He asked her if she had ever seen a psychoanalyst or a therapist before. She shook her head no. He asked her how she had found him. She said in the phone book. That struck him so that he barked out a laugh. He said, “Well, I’m in there, but no one ever admitted finding me there before.”
Dr. Smith said, “Here is a piece of paper. I want you to write the first five words that come into your mind. I will give you thirty seconds.” Andy wrote “fallout, contamination, beautiful, screaming, maple.” The first two were obvious; the third was about Princeton; the fourth was about the boys; and the last word was about the trees she had noticed on the way into town. Dr. Smith said, “Can you make a single sentence that uses all of these words?” Andy shook her head, but Dr. Smith said, “Just try.” The sentence she came up with was “Because of the fallout and contamination, the beautiful woman was screaming underneath the golden maple tree.” As soon as she said this sentence, she could see it, a blonde in a ski outfit, standing halfway up a wooded hillside, rubbing her hands madly down her arms, over her face, and the glittering particles of plutonium and uranium, rising up and falling back, dancing around like sprays of water as she attempted to brush them off. Every time she screamed, the particles would form a little tornado around her mouth and get sucked in.
“Your automatic response, Mrs. Langdon, would seem to be awe. You speak of fearful things, but they don’t frighten you, they impress you. I would go so far as to say that they stun you, and slow your reflexes in some way. They preoccupy you, and you don’t mind that. You gain nourishment from them, even at the expense of some sort of imagined negation of the self.” Andy stared at the doctor. He sounded like an ass.
“Mrs. Langdon,” said Dr. Smith, “it may simply be that your capacity for spiritual experience hasn’t yet been realized. That what you perceive as ennui or even indifference is simply your search for meaning in a life that strikes you as false and superficial.” Andy nodded. “You may or may not ever return to this office. I don’t suggest that you do. Part of the reason that my fees are so high is that I want them to mean something to my patients—and the thing I want them to mean is sacrifice. Are these fees, should you come three or four times a week, difficult for you to meet?” Andy nodded, though they weren’t—Uncle Jens’s investments were up to several millions. Everything she had spent on Dr. Katz and Dr. Grossman had been mere fiscal effervescence. But “yes” was the right answer, of course. “What I show you, the paths down which I lead you, might well be frightening, but that is what enlightenment entails.” Andy nodded again. “No, please don’t nod or say yes right now. Go away. Think about it for a long time. Look at your children and your husband and your life, and make up your mind. The journey you will embark upon is a journey into the unknown.” Andy prevented herself from nodding again. They stood up. He walked her to her car.
—
AT EXACTLY the same time that Andy was turning from Nassau onto Witherspoon, Frank was standing on the corner of Forty-eighth and Eighth Avenue, scanning the crowd for Lydia Forêt, Joan Fontaine, the love of his life. They had chosen the Belvedere as just the sort of hotel that no one at Fremont Oil or The New York Times would ever frequent, and also a place too expensive for Lydia’s husband, Olivier Forêt, from Calais, France. Olivier managed construction sites. He found the beams and the boards, the teamsters and the plumbers, the painters and the Mohawk construction workers. Olivier did not believe in fashion; he believed in utility. When Frank expressed disbelief that a Frenchman could feel this way, Lydia said, “Not only is he not like a Parisian, he’s never once been to Paris. The French from the countryside aren’t like Parisians at all.” There she was. He saw her at least a minute and a half before she saw him, and so he had time to admire the way, as she turned her head to check the traffic, her jawline sharpened and her cheekbone accented itself. She smiled. Frank hoped it was because she was thinking of him.
Moments later, they were sitting at separate tables in the bar of the Belvedere. As soon as they had their drinks, Lydia’s gaze began to drift toward his, at first shyly, but then more boldly. Frank did the same: he pretended not to know her, then not to be interested in her, then to feel a dawning of desire. Their gazes locked; she took a deep breath and put her hand to her bust. Frank licked his lips and took another sip of his gin and tonic.
They both had keys to the hotel room, of course. It was their usual room, 312. Frank went up the stairs while Lydia went up in the elevator. They met at the door, still behaving as if they were strangers, and then Frank unlocked the door, and once they were inside, she pressed herself into his arms, and he carried her to the bed. In every conversation they had had since he first saw her, in the course of every lovemaking, in every hour they had spent after making love, lying tight against one another, she had never alluded to her early life as a prostitute, had never admitted living in Corsica, had never admitted meeting Frank, taking his packet of cigarettes. She admitted only that she was from Milan, was married to Olivier, had come to the United States in 1952, that she was thirty-nine years old. For his part, Frank never said a word about Andy or the kids, about Dave Courtland, or Hal, or Friskie. When he had to go on business to Texas or Caracas, he simply disappeared, and she asked no questions.
If he had doubted that he recognized Lydia’s face (but he never really did) or her posture or the back of her head, Frank knew that he did recognize her crotch, the texture of her pubic hair, the shape and prominence of her labia, the exact way she took him in and held him, the recesses of her vagina. He always preferred the way they had done it that first time, him lying on his back on the bed, so sleepy from the war, and her sitting on him. But they tried different things, just so he could pretend that he wasn’t that boy anymore, that he had had experiences and learned from them. However Olivier Forêt treated her, and she said nothing about that, she seemed to enjoy Frank’s ardor, and his kindness. He never told her that, outside this room, he was not known for kindness.
1964
AFT
ER HE WATCHED the Beatles on TV, and then got himself into the performance at the Coliseum, Steve Sloan made Stanley and Tim watch the second Ed Sullivan performance together. They were absolutely quiet; Steve watched George Harrison’s guitar playing as closely as he could. The next day, he threw out all of their songs and fired the drummer. Enough “Tom Dooley.” Enough “Banks of the Ohio.” If you wanted girls to scream, then hangings and drownings were not the way. Steve had to admit that when he’d heard “I Want to Hold Your Hand,” he hadn’t been impressed. But the song had a beat, the Beatles had a look, and the girls in the audience were weeping and clawing their faces. Steve’s goal was that they would play at least one set at their senior prom, in June. Between now and then, they had to come up with new songs and a new look—not imitation Beatles, but themselves renovated and renamed: The Sleepless Knights? The Knight Riders? The Colts?
Debbie watched the Beatles at home, with Mom, Dad, Dean, and Tina, and two days later, she came home with a Beatles magazine. Tim laughed at her, but when she wasn’t looking, he glanced through it. He decided that he looked most like John. At school, he noticed that the girls quickly formed into groups—those who preferred John, Paul, etc. The mommy types, like Debbie, preferred George; otherwise, he couldn’t detect a pattern.
Tim had applied to Williams, Amherst, and U.Va. His father had gone to Williams, Amherst was down the road from Williams, and his great-uncle had gone to the University of Virginia two years before his grandfather had gone to West Point. Steve Sloan hadn’t applied anywhere. His plan was to leave home the day after graduation (his eighteenth birthday was in May) and head for New York, guitar in hand. Stanley was a year younger, so he would be working for his father all summer. The prom would be their farewell gig.
They all spent the last two weeks of March writing songs, and, Steve said, the stupider the better. “I Want to Hold Your Hand”? “I Saw Her Standing There”? Not a word about fucking. No wonder the ninth-graders were going bananas. Tim came up with “Come here to me, yeah yeah. Baby, I see you now. Come here to me, yeah yeah, and say hello. Hellooooo. Helloooo. Come here and say hello. Baby, I see you now, please don’t go.” They did it in G, with Tim singing the harmonies. Once they had mastered the first verse, he came up with a second verse: “Walk me down the street, yeah yeah. Baby, take my hand. Stand next to me, yeah yeah, and please don’t go. Don’t gooooo! Don’t gooooo! Walk me down the street, sweep me off my feet, please don’t say no!” Then the first verse again. He was pretty proud of it.
He was sitting in his car in the parking lot of the high school at the end of the day, with the windows closed, practicing this song at the top of his lungs, when Fiona Cannon walked up, opened the passenger’s side door, and got in. She said, “No, sing it. I want to hear.” So, though he warbled and went off key for a note or two, he finished the song.
She said, “Could be worse.”
“The song or the voice?”
She laughed.
Fiona Cannon had had one boyfriend, Allen Giacomini, who rode a motorcycle. The other boys were afraid of her. She said, “You want to drive me home?”
“Where’s your car?”
“In the shop. They’re replacing the brake pads.”
“How many miles does that thing have on it?” Fiona drove a ’56 Chevy, blue and white.
“A hundred and four thousand.” She leaned across him and looked at his odometer. He was driving his dad’s old Mercury Comet, ’60 station wagon. It was useful for hauling the Colts and all their instruments around, but he wasn’t proud of it. The odometer said 54568. She didn’t remark upon it. He said, “Sure, I’ll drive you home.”
After that, he didn’t drive her home every day, but sometimes he did, and sometimes at lunch she would come out to the parking lot and say, “Want to go get a Coke?” Or she would get in, lift her hair from her collar, and say, “Want to see a movie Friday night?” (Never Saturday at first, because the fox hunting was on Sunday until the end of March.) Even when her car was there in the parking lot, she would leave it behind; that meant he had to pick her up in the morning and bring her to school.
He took other girls out—Allison Carter and Janie Finch, on regular dates to movies and parties when he wasn’t practicing with the other Fire-Eaters, Dragons, Camerons. “The Camerons?” he said to Steve. “What is that?”
“A famous highland clan. The Camerons are coming.”
Stanley said, “Those were the Campbells.”
For two weeks, they were Steve and the Rattlers. When The Beatles’ Second Album came out, and Steve saw that it had “Long Tall Sally” and “Roll Over Beethoven,” which were by Little Richard and Chuck Berry, he relaxed a bit, and said that they didn’t have to write all their own songs, but the ones they didn’t write had to be by black people. They started practicing “What’d I Say.”
Then the skinny envelopes arrived from Amherst and Williams, the ones that said, “Thank you for applying.” The fat one was from U.Va., but Tim had known he would get in there. Tim wasn’t disappointed. His dad was disappointed, but Tim wasn’t. There was nothing wrong with U.Va. And it was cheap, which was what he said to his mom. Amherst was thirty-two hundred dollars a year, and Williams was thirty-six hundred. His mom said they would have found it, it was worth it. But U.Va. was fine with Tim, not such a change from everything he knew.
With his fate decided and Fiona showing up now and then, Tim maybe felt better than he had his whole life. She started saying, “Ever driven ninety? Ever gotten over a hundred? How fast will this thing go, really? Ever spun out?” Once, at seventy-five, she put her hands over his eyes and laughed. That evening, she showed him a spot on the hill above her house, looking west, toward the Blue Ridge, and while he was kissing her, she unzipped his khakis and put her hand in there. He felt her hand through his shorts, and then she eased his cock out of his shorts, too. He said, “You’re the only person I ever met who is crazier than I am.”
“How crazy are you?”
“Ninety-five, but not a hundred.”
She unbuttoned his shirt, and slid her cold hands across his bare skin and lay her head on his chest. His cock pressed into the rough fabric of her Levis. But that was as far as he got that night.
A week later—it was now May—they were driving in the Comet to Arlington to see The Last Man on Earth, and she kept reaching over and tickling him. For a while he laughed and pushed her away, but she kept at it, so finally he lost his temper, which he had never done before, and shouted, “Quit it! Fuck you!” They stopped at the next light; she opened the door and jumped out. When she slammed the door, he reached over and locked it, and then the light turned green, and as he was pulling away, she vaulted onto the roof of the Comet. He drove. She started pounding. He sped up, but she stayed up there, pounding, and when he pulled over, maybe a mile down the road, and unlocked the door, she jumped down, pulled it open, and threw herself across the front seat. She was laughing. She took his hand, and they went to the movie, which was about vampires. That night, she showed him a way to get into her room—he had to climb a tree, cross a roof, and go through the window she opened. It was worth it.
—
ANDY DIDN’T GO back to Dr. Smith right away. After that first appointment, she decided that he made her nervous—not exactly what he said, but the eyes, the posture, and the hands. After JFK’s assassination (there were only two time periods in the world now, before and after that event), she had started reading a book about frontal lobotomies. As far as Andy could understand it, the doctor lifted the patient’s eyelid, pressed the point of an ice pick against the top of the eye socket, and drove it into the patient’s brain with a hammer. Then he did it on the other side. Dr. Smith struck her as the sort of person who could comfortably do such a thing. But Dr. Grossman was giving up on her—Dr. Grossman had consulted her mentor about Andy’s “lack of affect.” Their only really good session had been as friends, deploring the assassination, expressing a fear they shared that much more was going on in Washi
ngton and in the world than most people suspected. After that one, though, Dr. Grossman had gone back to being a professional, and Andy had begun to run out of tales to tell, either as dreams or as childhood experiences. She read about Freud’s patient Dora, and made the mistake of telling one of Dora’s dreams as her own. Dr. Grossman seemed to recognize it, though as a dream Andy thought it was fairly common—returning home after the death of her father, then getting lost, not nearly so interesting as dreaming that a guest came for dinner, ate more than his share, and then went out to the outhouse to relieve himself. When he was halfway to the outhouse, he suddenly swelled up to a monstrous size, jumped onto the roof of the house, and began riding the house like a horse, screaming and shaking the whole place. This dream Dr. Grossman found trivial and without meaning.
And so she returned to Dr. Smith. With the spring, he seemed healthier and not as depressed as he had in the fall. She wrote him a check for five hundred dollars, ten appointments in advance. The next thing she had to do was stand up against the wall in his office so that he could draw pictures of her—front, back, left side, right side. This took the whole of the first fifty minutes. At her next appointment, he laid the pictures on the table in his office. Over each of them, he had superimposed a grid, and by means of this grid, he diagnosed where and to what degree she was out of balance. For example, if she had had disproportionately large hips, he would have diagnosed a blockage between her lower body and her upper body. For these women, the first step to a cure was to lift their shoulders and open their mouths wide, and to make a habit of taking deeper and deeper breaths. As a result, they would eventually speak the truth about themselves.
In Andy, the disproportion went the other way—she had broad shoulders and a prominent bust, but narrow hips, slender legs, and slender feet. She was barely, he said, connected to the earth, and, more important, to her sexuality. How often did she and her husband have sexual relations?