—
THE APARTMENT WHERE Henry was staying for a long weekend, at Eighty-fourth Street and Broadway, had one window that faced east, and maybe Henry and Basil Skipworth heard the noise of shouting wafting on the breeze from the park, and maybe they didn’t. As the crow might fly, they were only a mile or so from where the protesters were gathering. They had talked about joining the march but had indulged themselves in not doing so. Thinking of Tim, Henry felt a little guilty. But when he came to New York, he’d somehow not put two and two together about the protest; he had been thinking of this weekend as a break from everything about Tim that was putting his mother and Claire and Paul and Lillian—and himself, for that matter—at loggerheads. Basil taught German at Yale. Even though he often said “my dear boy,” he was two years younger than Henry and about six times more sophisticated, if by that you meant that he read Balzac in French and Boccaccio in Italian as well as Goethe in German (and Kafka, too). On the other hand, he had only the most rudimentary grasp of the etymology of “foot” (fot, föt, pes (Latin), pod (Greek), pada (Sanskrit), -ped (Indo-European), much less that of “penis,” which meant “tail” in Latin and was almost unchanged from earlier forms. Basil, who had gone to Cambridge, was much more sophisticated than Henry in many ways, but, they both knew, not nearly as good-looking. He had started subtly pursuing Henry at the Modern Language Association meeting in December. Henry had allowed capture in March, intrigued by Basil’s courage, since he himself had never been bold enough to push any pursuit to its logical end. They were using an apartment belonging to some friend of Basil’s, who was back in England for a month.
Basil was completely up to date on sodomy laws: In England, still illegal, penalty, no longer death, but imprisonment, as for Oscar Wilde. Wilde, according to Basil, had been convicted under the same law that made the age of consent for females twelve; “however, my dear boy, for us, no consent is possible. I guess it is a sign of progress that, as of a hundred years ago, a man could be jailed for fucking a girl who wasn’t quite ten yet, but the wheel of progress moveth exceeding slow.” Nor could they meet in Connecticut, where homosexuality meant prison if the judge felt like it. Illinois—didn’t Henry know this?—was the most progressive. As for New York, well, buggery was only a misdemeanor, and with all of these draft dodgers in town, the police had their hands full.
“Buggery,” “balls-up,” “bollocks,” “git,” “ponce,” “poofter,” “rodger,” “wanker,” “stiffy,” “todger,” “stonker.” Listening to the words Basil enunciated in his layered accent (West Country underneath Received Pronunciation—he almost always pronounced his “r”s, for example, and sometimes joked around, saying, “Where ye be goin’ to?”), Henry got used to them as if they were jokes, as if what Basil was showing him wasn’t a little scary (“Oh, my dear boy, we’ve not got to that part yet”). Henry knew that Basil sometimes put on the West Country pretty thick just for him, because that was where the purest Anglo-Saxon still resided. Basil laughed at him for caring about such elementary linguistic motes and crumbs, compared with Death in Venice, or at least Doktor Faustus, which had universal appeal. Henry’s standard riposte was, had Doktor Faustus, finished only twenty years ago, really stood the test of time? He was willing to admit that Christopher Marlowe’s The Tragicall History of the Life and Death of Doctor Faustus had features of interest that might prove lasting, but…
And then they started laughing. Basil said, “My God, you are a stuffy fellow, for all that length of leg.”
Henry was naked. The windows of the bedroom looked south, onto a tiny little square of green surrounded by cats and flowerpots. The apartment was on the third floor, and there were blinds; Basil had drawn them but not closed them. Henry supposed that north-facing windows across the alley had a view of their misdemeanors. They had kissed. They had stroked. Basil had warmed some baby oil and started at his shoulders, then moved farther down, lingering over Henry’s arse, admiring the fact that Henry’s body hair was fine and blond. Henry had rubbed Basil down, also, lingering a little around his shoulder blades before descending to the arse (hairy, not like any girl Henry had known). Until now that was all they had done, besides sleep side by side, though Henry wore shorts and a shirt and Basil wore pajamas (a word that was, indeed, related to “penis”). Basil had buggered and been buggered by, but he was patient. When Henry visited in March, Basil had walked around the apartment naked, sometimes with an erection, and he had done nothing with it except touch it from time to time, letting Henry get used to it. Watching him, without saying anything, Henry had imagined Jacob Palmer doing the same thing. Jacob had finished his doctorate at Wisconsin—highly motivated by the cold, he said—and was now married to one of his fellow graduate students, a Yeats scholar from St. Paul. They had a six-month-old baby boy. Jacob had gotten a good job at UCLA.
They were going slowly. Maybe Henry should be embarrassed, at his age, but they both knew that Henry had offered himself up for an education, and that Basil was perfectly agreeable to the terms, whatever they were.
The question was whether to walk over to Amsterdam and up a couple of blocks to Barney Greengrass, or down Broadway a few blocks to Zabar’s, and the answer was—did you want the best bagel or did you want the best lox? Henry let Basil decide, and it was always Barney Greengrass, where they were even ruder than at Zabar’s. (“My dear boy, manners are the key. If he ejaculates, ‘Whaddaya havin’, bud?’ then the bagels will be just a little chewier and the lox just a little loxier.”) As they walked up the street, Henry thought, they revealed nothing about misdemeanors they might have committed or be about to commit. Basil changed his posture slightly, slouching his hips and straightening his shoulders. He could feel himself do the same thing. Did they know each other? Only slightly—colleagues who happened to meet and were catching a bite.
At Barney Greengrass, there was a lot of talk about the protesters, crazy hippies, what was wrong with those people, wasn’t LBJ doing the best he could, these kids didn’t know from trouble if they thought the draft was trouble. Henry and Basil exchanged a glance, even though Henry hadn’t yet told Basil about Tim, or, indeed, anything at all about his family. Onion bagel, toasted, cooled, easy on the cream cheese, no capers, a little onion. Black coffee, two sugars. They took their plates to a table by the window.
—
CLAIRE DREADED the hot weather and the muggy noise she would have to endure at the state fair, but since Paul had informed her that irritability was a classic symptom of pregnancy, she didn’t say a word. Paul might not be pregnant himself, but when, on his thirty-eighth birthday, he burned the manuscripts of his partly written plays in the backyard, he had done in his mood for the rest of the summer. It didn’t matter that his practice was booming so that he’d had to take on a new partner. He considered his new partner merely the best of a bad bunch—Cornell University undergraduate and Wake Forest Medical School. He was great with kids, but Paul didn’t like him. Martin Sadler, his name was. He thought going to the doctor should be fun for a kid, or at least not terrifying.
Dr. Sadler was friendly. When he asked if he could tag along, Claire said yes, and began to think going to the fair might not be so bad after all in spite of the belly. He was there when they pulled into their parking spot. Paul snapped, “Well, I’m still not in favor of closing the office on a Friday,” but then, because it was cool and the weather looked like it was going to be unusually pleasant, he said, “But we did pick a nice day.”
Joe and Lois arrived in the pickup with Annie and Jesse; Minnie followed, with Rosanna, who was carrying Lois’s competition pie on her lap. Claire thought her mother looked terrible. She had not seemed to take the news of Tim’s death very hard: How many chickens did they think she had killed in her day? What did they think it was like, finding her own husband, ten years younger than she was now, curled up under that damned Osage-orange tree? Death was a fact, and no one knew that better than an old lady on a farm. Why discuss it? But today she looked as if she had given
up on her hair in the middle of putting it up, as if she had given up on her sweater in the middle of buttoning it, as if she had dabbed two spots of lipstick on her lips and given up on that. Claire kissed her and asked her how she was.
“Just getting old. Gout in my toe. My hip. What all.” She tossed her hand dismissively in the air. “The question is, how are you?” Claire suspected her mother thought she was too far along to show herself in public. She said, “I feel terrific, actually.” Dr. Sadler walked right up to them, held out his hand to Rosanna, and said, “I understand you’re Claire’s mom. I’m Martin Sadler. I’m pleased to meet you.” His smile was as big as could be. Rosanna put her hand on his arm and asked him if he was engaged or dating anyone.
Paul strapped Gray carefully into his expensive Maclaren baby stroller, tied his hat onto his head, then pulled his socks up and his overalls down. If one ray of sunshine got on the child’s skin, Paul would take him inside. Paul refused absolutely to have a dog, and even though Claire was always saying that a boy needed a dog, it was she herself who needed the dog. But Paul’s favorite words were “I don’t think so.”
Annie had changed overnight—breasts (suddenly large ones), though not much of a waist. Jesse wore exactly what Joe wore, right down to the ill-fitting white shirt and the too-short khakis and the flattop. And he stayed right in Joe’s shadow. When Dr. Sadler asked him what grade he was in, Jesse looked up at Joe before he answered. Lois, as always, looked as if she was minding her own business. She opened the door and received the pie before Minnie turned off the engine.
Claire’s hand went to her own hair. She had sprouted thirty gray ones, all at the cowlick on the left side of her hairline, right up front for everyone to see. She was twenty-eight years old! It was very unjust, she thought. Paul ran the stroller right over her toes.
Lois said, “I’m going to check in to the Machine Shed. I’ll meet you at the crafts,” so they followed Rosanna into the hall. Purple cable knit with long sleeves, regular Aran patterned vest, Fair Isle, hand-knitted Iowa Hawkeyes football jersey, including the number and the player’s name, “Murphy.” After the knitwear, they wandered past the canned goods to the piles of fleece, then tomatoes, longest green bean, biggest onion, heaviest ear of sweet corn. Claire had a little exchange of hard stares with Paul about taking Gray among the livestock, but Claire won—Paul picked him up, and Claire folded the stroller and carried it. It was important not to stand up straight, not to ask for help, and not to pat your belly. There were breeds of hogs here that she would not have recognized without a sign—Old Spots, Mulefoot, Tamworth (these were red)—and cows (Red Poll, Randal Lineback, Belted Galloway). She liked the horses, which were mostly draft and ponies. Paul actually got interested in the chickens. Rosanna took hold of the sleeve of Dr. Sadler’s jacket. “Goodness, we had those Chanticleers. Good birds. Smart. I always heard of those Dominiques, never saw one before. Who was that who had a whole flock of those red Russian Orloffs? Claire, do you remember? Those could stay out in any weather, but they weren’t good layers. Chickens got us through the Depression. And cream!” Dr. Sadler continued to nod. Goats, sheep. Joe lingered at the sheep, his hand affectionately on Jesse’s shoulder, pointing out the Southdowns, like the one he had brought to the fair—oh goodness, was it thirty-three years ago now? Emily, that ewe’s name was. And then he met a girl named Emily, too.
The Southdowns were the prettiest, Claire thought. When Jesse asked for one, Joe said, “We’ll see.” Which was better than “I don’t think so.” Claire knew she was grumpy.
They came out onto the midway, and she felt a breeze. It was almost noon, quite pleasant—not even eighty, she would bet. Paul said, “We could have chickens. The backyard is big enough.” Quite typical of Paul to reject a dog out of hand, but get suddenly enthusiastic about chickens. Dr. Sadler and Rosanna were at the corn-dog stand. Claire waddled away from Paul and joined them there. Dr. Sadler gave her a comfortable smile. She said, “You know the recipe for grilled corn?”
“I shudder to think,” said Dr. Sadler.
“Twelve ears of corn, a cup of melted butter, salt.”
Paul made her cook with margarine.
Rosanna held out her hand, and Dr. Sadler put the corn dog into it. Claire was beginning to feel a little jealous.
Paul insisted that they go to the replica of the first church ever built in Iowa. “Catholic!” exclaimed Rosanna. “Built in Dubuque.” She turned to Dr. Sadler. “Were you raised a Catholic, by any chance?”
Dr. Sadler shook his head, and Claire felt her ears get bigger, but he didn’t say anything except “Nice woodworking.”
The pies, set out neatly on the display table, were judged at four. Claire thought Lois’s did look delicious, but she came in second. After the judging, she went up to the judges and smiled and shook their hands and thanked them for judging. Claire thought that Lois was always excessively polite. You never knew what she was really thinking.
And so they forgot about Tim for eight hours, and Rosanna was, indeed, perked up. As for Claire, she was so exhausted she let Paul put Gray to bed, which he did with better grace than he had all summer. She was lying on her side, and she could feel the baby moving around; she imagined her (him) doing backflips. After Gray was down, Paul came into their room and sat on the edge of the bed, took Claire’s hand, and pushed her bangs gently out of her face. He said, “That was a good idea, enjoying plant, animal, and human variety for a day. Let’s do that every year.” He was patting her hand, and she fell asleep right there, deep as a well and twice as dark—who used to say that?
1968
THEIR CHRISTMAS HAD BEEN bittersweet. Debbie invited her boyfriend, an awkward kid but kind. He helped with the dishes, and he noticed things like rug corners turned up or stove burners left on. Lillian liked him. Tina had taken a class in printmaking and made their Christmas cards. After years of encouraging her because that’s what a mother was supposed to do, Lillian had loved the cards Tina made, two sheep, a goat, and three chickens peering through a door into a shed, and the Star of Bethlehem shining above them. Dean brought home an early admission to Dartmouth, which everyone imagined to be surrounded by acres of smooth ice. Arthur seemed energetic and almost happy, and maybe only Lillian noticed that his hair was nearly all gray now. They hung Tim’s favorite ornaments on the tree and drank to him at the table, and told a few of the funnier stories, just so the boyfriend would know that they had handled their loss.
Yes, when McNamara had turned in his resignation, Arthur was irritated watching it on the news, muttering, “Frank Wisner shot himself. What’s stopping you, Mr. Secretary?,” then retreated to his office as he had so many times before. This was the first thing Lillian thought of when she found Arthur under the bed.
He was canny about it. Dean took swimming practice before school, and Tina liked to go in with him and study in the library, so Lillian was up by six, making breakfast. She ironed Tina’s blouse and found Dean a pair of socks, did the dishes, had a second cup of coffee. She thought Arthur had left—he said he was going to sneak out of the house early and not to worry about him. She even went in and out of the bedroom once, noticing only that the bed was made. When she was putting away her robe, she saw a wrinkle in the lower hem of the bedspread. First she touched the wrinkle; then she felt his shoe. There was no blood; he had no wounds, but he was out cold, and she knew he had done it at last. She threw the bedspread onto the floor and called an ambulance.
He was wearing trousers, a pressed shirt, a jacket, socks, and loafers. The ambulance people had to pull him out feet-first, which mussed his hair. One guy took the note out of Arthur’s fist and handed it to her. She unfolded it. It read, “Don’t call the office unless I’m dead.”
She said, “Is he—?,” shaking her head and starting to cry. As they rolled him onto the stretcher, the medic said, “Not yet.” She didn’t call the office. She got into the back of the ambulance with him, and stared at him as they careened toward the hospital, maybe a twenty-m
inute trip. Every so often, the medic took his pulse and listened to his heart and nodded. Lillian herself kept her hand on his chest. His breathing was shallow, but he kept breathing. It was cold. The landscape was white and the sky was gray, and she knew that he had planned it and had intended to succeed. The unhappy ending, as far as Arthur Manning was concerned, was life.
When the doctor came to her in the waiting room, she was shivering in spite of still having her coat on, and she shook the whole time he talked. It was Seconal, was your husband suffering from insomnia, did he have a prescription for barbiturates, was he showing strange signs of drowsiness or disorientation, could he have fallen down and rolled under the bed. Lillian said, “Didn’t they tell you about the note?”
“No. No note.” He licked his lips and said, “Has Mr. Manning been treated for depression, or manic-depressive illness? Has he shown—”
“Our son was killed in Vietnam.”
The doctor for the first time looked into her eyes, said, “I am sorry. May I ask—”
“Almost a year and a half ago.”
“Has your husband shown signs…”
It went on.
He was to stay in the hospital for three days, for observation. Lillian said, “May I see him?”
“It’s going to take a couple of hours for him to wake up. I guess he’ll be surprised to find himself here.”
“Very disappointed.”
“Oh, maybe not. Second thoughts—”
Lillian shook her head.
It wasn’t until she was home to get the car that she threw the bedspread back onto the bed and saw the other note, the one written in a neat hand folded into Tina’s Christmas card. It read:
Dear Lily Pons—
I am doing a bad thing to you, my darling. I know even more clearly than you do that this is the ultimate betrayal, and the only way on earth that I could or would betray you is exactly this way. But you know I’ve been waiting for the chance. You know I’ve been putting my affairs in order—not my financial affairs, but my domestic affairs. I have been waiting for each of you to recover somehow from Tim’s death, and now we have reached the crossroads where everyone has a path to the future. I saw all the paths at Christmas. Even Debbie is in good hands. You are the only one. Why can’t I take you with me? I ask myself that. And I ask myself that again, feeling you beside me in the night, feeling your hand in mine, hearing you breathe. But I can’t do it, nor can I stay. Why is that? Because I literally and truly see no future. Blank. Empty. Nothing. At last. And I am glad of it. You are perfect. I love you.