I repressed a sigh. It would hurt his feelings if I told the truth -- that it didn't really matter, because it was all just varying degrees of awful anyway.
"Well, even if she does get her way, we can keep it small. Just us. Emmett can get a clerical license off the Internet."
I giggled. "That does sound better." It wouldn't feel very official if Emmett read the vows, which was a plus. But I'd have a hard time keeping a straight face.
"See," he said with a smile. "There's always a compromise."
It took a while for me to reach the spot where the newborn army would be certain to cross my trail, but Edward never got impatient with my pace.
He had to lead a bit more on the way back, to keep me on the same path. It all looked alike to me.
We were almost to the clearing when I fell. I could see the wide opening ahead, and that's probably why I got too eager and forgot to watch my feet. I caught myself before my head bashed into the nearest tree, but a small branch snapped off under my left hand and gouged into my palm.
"Ouch! Oh, fabulous," I muttered.
"Are you all right?"
"I'm fine. Stay where you are. I'm bleeding. It will stop in a minute."
He ignored me. He was right there before I could finish.
"I've got a first aid kit," he said, pulling off the backpack. "I had a feeling I might need it."
"It's not bad. I can take care of it -- you don't have to make yourself uncomfortable."
"I'm not uncomfortable," he said calmly. "Here -- let me clean it."
"Wait a second, I just got another idea."
Without looking at the blood and breathing through my mouth, just in case my stomach might react, I pressed my hand against a rock within my reach.
"What are you doing?"
"Jasper will love this," I muttered to myself. I started for the clearing again, pressing my palm against everything in my path. "I'll bet this really gets them going."
Edward sighed.
"Hold your breath," I told him.
"I'm fine. I just think you're going overboard."
"This is all I get to do. I want to do a good job."
We broke through the last of the trees as I spoke. I let my injured hand graze across the ferns.
"Well, you have," Edward assured me. "The newborns will be frantic, and Jasper will be very impressed with your dedication. Now let me treat your hand -- you've gotten the cut dirty."
"Let me do it, please."
He took my hand and smiled as he examined it. "This doesn't bother me anymore."
I watched him carefully as he cleaned the gash, looking for some sign of distress. He continued to breathe evenly in and out, the same small smile on his lips.
"Why not?" I finally asked as he smoothed a bandage across my palm.
He shrugged. "I got over it."
"You . . . got over it? When? How?" I tried to remember the last time he'd held his breath around me. All I could think of was my wretched birthday party last September.
Edward pursed his lips, seeming to search for the words. "I lived through an entire twenty-four hours thinking that you were dead, Bella. That changed the way I look at a lot of things."
"Did it change the way I smell to you?"
"Not at all. But . . . having experienced the way it feels to think I've lost you . . . my reactions have changed. My entire being shies away from any course that could inspire that kind of pain again."
I didn't know what to say to that.
He smiled at my expression. "I guess that you could call it a very educational experience."
The wind tore through the clearing then, lashing my hair around my face and making me shiver.
"All right," he said, reaching into his pack again. "You've done your part." He pulled out my heavy winter jacket and held it out for me to slide my arms in. "Now it's out of our hands. Let's go camping!"
I laughed at the mock enthusiasm in his voice.
He took my bandaged hand -- the other was in worse shape, still in the brace -- and started toward the other side of the clearing.
"Where are we meeting Jacob?" I asked.
"Right here." He gestured to the trees in front of us just as Jacob stepped warily from their shadows.
It shouldn't have surprised me to see him human. I wasn't sure why I'd been looking for the big red-brown wolf.
Jacob seemed bigger again -- no doubt a product of my expectations; I must have unconsciously been hoping to see the smaller Jacob from my memory, the easygoing friend who hadn't made everything so difficult. He had his arms folded across his bare chest, a jacket clutched in one fist. His face was expressionless as he watched us.
Edward's lips pulled down at the corners. "There had to have been a better way to do this."
"Too late now," I muttered glumly.
He sighed.
"Hey, Jake," I greeted him when we got closer.
"Hi, Bella."
"Hello, Jacob," Edward said.
Jacob ignored the pleasantry, all business. "Where do I take her?"
Edward pulled a map from a side pocket on the pack and offered it to him. Jacob unfolded it.
"We're here now," Edward said, reaching over to touch the right spot. Jacob recoiled from his hand automatically, and then steadied himself. Edward pretended not to notice.
"And you're taking her up here," Edward continued, tracing a serpentine pattern around the elevation lines on the paper. "Roughly nine miles."
Jacob nodded once.
"When you're about a mile away, you should cross my path. That will lead you in. Do you need the map?"
"No, thanks. I know this area pretty well. I think I know where I'm going."
Jacob seemed to have to work harder than Edward to keep the tone polite.
"I'll take a longer route," Edward said. "And I'll see you in a few hours."
Edward stared at me unhappily. He didn't like this part of the plan.
"See you," I murmured.
Edward faded into the trees, heading in the opposite direction.
As soon as he was gone, Jacob turned cheerful.
"What's up, Bella?" he asked with a big grin.
I rolled my eyes. "Same old, same old."
"Yeah," he agreed. "Bunch of vampires trying to kill you. The usual."
"The usual."
"Well," he said as he shrugged into his jacket to free his arms. "Let's get going."
Making a face, I took a small step closer to him.
He bent down and swept his arm behind my knees, knocking them out from under me. His other arm caught me before my head hit the ground.
"Jerk," I muttered.
Jacob chuckled, already running through the trees. He kept a steady pace, a brisk jog that a fit human could keep up with . . . across a level plane . . . if they weren't burdened with a hundred-plus pounds as he was.
"You don't have to run. You'll get tired."
"Running doesn't make me tired," he said. His breathing was even -- like the fixed tempo of a marathoner. "Besides, it will be colder soon. I hope he gets the camp set up before we get there."
I tapped my finger against the thick padding of his parka. "I thought you didn't get cold now."
"I don't. I brought this for you, just in case you weren't prepared." He looked at my jacket, almost as if he were disappointed that I was. "I don't like the way the weather feels. It's making me edgy. Notice how we haven't seen any animals?"
"Um, not really."
"I guess you wouldn't. Your senses are too dull."
I let that pass. "Alice was worried about the storm, too."
"It takes a lot to silence the forest this way. You picked a hell of a night for a camping trip."
"It wasn't entirely my idea."
The pathless way he took began to climb more and more steeply, but it didn't slow him down. He leapt easily from rock to rock, not seeming to need his hands at all. His perfect balance reminded me of a mountain goat.
"What's with the addition to your br
acelet?" he asked.
I looked down, and realized that the crystal heart was facing up on my wrist.
I shrugged guiltily. "Another graduation present."
He snorted. "A rock. Figures."
A rock? I was suddenly reminded of Alice's unfinished sentence outside the garage. I stared at the bright white crystal and tried to remember what Alice had been saying before . . . about diamonds. Could she have been trying to say he's already got one on you? As in, I was already wearing one diamond from Edward? No, that was impossible. The heart would have to be five carats or something crazy like that! Edward wouldn't --
"So it's been a while since you came down to La Push," Jacob said, interrupting my disturbing conjectures.
"I've been busy," I told him. "And . . . I probably wouldn't have visited, anyway."
He grimaced. "I thought you were supposed to be the forgiving one, and I was the grudge-holder."
I shrugged.
"Been thinking about that last time a lot, have you?"
"Nope."
He laughed. "Either you're lying, or you are the stubbornest person alive."
"I don't know about the second part, but I'm not lying."
I didn't like having this conversation under the present conditions -- with his too-warm arms wrapped tightly around me and nothing at all I could do about it. His face was closer than I wanted it to be. I wished I could take a step back.
"A smart person looks at all sides of a decision."
"I have," I retorted.
"If you haven't thought at all about our . . . er, conversation the last time you came over, then that's not true."
"That conversation isn't relevant to my decision."
"Some people will go to any lengths to delude themselves."
"I've noticed that werewolves in particular are prone to that mistake -- do you think it's a genetic thing?"
"Does that mean that he's a better kisser that I am?" Jacob asked, suddenly glum.
"I really couldn't say, Jake. Edward is the only person I've ever kissed."
"Besides me."
"But I don't count that as a kiss, Jacob. I think of it more as an assault."
"Ouch! That's cold."
I shrugged. I wasn't going to take it back.
"I did apologize about that," he reminded me.
"And I forgave you . . . mostly. It doesn't change the way I remember it."
He muttered something unintelligible.
It was quiet then for a while; there was just the sound of his measured breathing and the wind roaring high above us in the treetops. A cliff face rose sheer beside us, bare, rough gray stone. We followed the base as it curved upward out of the forest.
"I still think it's pretty irresponsible," Jacob suddenly said.
"Whatever you're talking about, you're wrong."
"Think about it, Bella. According to you, you've kissed just one person -- who isn't even really a person -- in your whole life, and you're calling it quits? How do you know that's what you want? Shouldn't you play the field a little?"
I kept my voice cool. "I know exactly what I want."
"Then it couldn't hurt to double check. Maybe you should try kissing someone else -- just for comparison's sake . . . since what happened the other day doesn't count. You could kiss me, for example. I don't mind if you want to use me to experiment."
He pulled me tighter against his chest, so that my face was closer to his. He was smiling at his joke, but I wasn't taking any chances.
"Don't mess with me, Jake. I swear I won't stop him if he wants to break your jaw."
The panicky edge to my voice made him smile wider. "If you ask me to kiss you, he won't have any reason to get upset. He said that was fine."
"Don't hold your breath, Jake -- no, wait, I changed my mind. Go right ahead. Just hold your breath until I ask you to kiss me."
"You're in a bad mood today."
"I wonder why?"
"Sometimes I think you like me better as a wolf."
"Sometimes I do. It probably has something to do with the way you can't talk."
He pursed his broad lips thoughtfully. "No, I don't think that's it. I think it's easier for you to be near me when I'm not human, because you don't have to pretend that you're not attracted to me."
My mouth fell open with a little popping sound. I snapped it shut at once, grinding my teeth together.
He heard that. His lips pulled tightly across his face in a triumphant smile.
I took a slow breath before I spoke. "No. I'm pretty sure it's because you can't talk."
He sighed. "Do you ever get tired of lying to yourself? You have to know how aware you are of me. Physically, I mean."
"How could anyone not be aware of you physically, Jacob?" I demanded. "You're an enormous monster who refuses to respect anyone else's personal space."
"I make you nervous. But only when I'm human. When I'm a wolf, you're more comfortable around me."
"Nervousness and irritation are not the same thing."
He stared at me for a minute, slowing to a walk, the amusement draining from his face. His eyes narrowed, turned black in the shadow of his brows. His breathing, so regular as he ran, started to accelerate. Slowly, he leaned his face closer to mine.
I stared him down, knowing exactly what he was trying to do.
"It's your face," I reminded him.
He laughed loudly and started jogging again. "I don't really want to fight with your vampire tonight -- I mean, any other night, sure. But we both have a job to do tomorrow, and I wouldn't want to leave the Cullens one short."
The sudden, unexpected swell of shame distorted my expression.
"I know, I know," he responded, not understanding. "You think he could take me."
I couldn't speak. I was leaving them one short. What if someone got hurt because I was so weak? But what if I was brave and Edward . . . I couldn't even think it.
"What's the matter with you, Bella?" The joking bravado vanished from his face, revealing my Jacob underneath, like pulling a mask away. "If something I said upset you, you know I was only kidding. I didn't mean anything -- hey, are you okay? Don't cry, Bella," he pled.
I tried to pull myself together. "I'm not going to cry."
"What did I say?"
"It's nothing you said. It's just, well, it's me. I did something . . . bad."
He stared at me, his eyes wide with confusion.
"Edward isn't going to fight tomorrow," I whispered the explanation. "I'm making him stay with me. I am a huge coward."
He frowned. "You think this isn't going to work? That they'll find you here? Do you know something I don't know?"
"No, no. I'm not afraid of that. I just . . . I can't let him go. If he didn't come back . . ." I shuddered, closing my eyes to escape the thought.
Jacob was quiet.
I kept whispering, my eyes shut. "If anyone gets hurt, it will always be my fault. And even if no one does . . . I was horrible. I had to be, to convince him to stay with me. He won't hold it against me, but I'll always know what I'm capable of." I felt just a tiny bit better, getting this off my chest. Even if I could only confess it to Jacob.
He snorted. My eyes opened slowly, and I was sad to see that the hard mask was back.
"I can't believe he let you talk him out of going. I wouldn't miss this for anything."
I sighed. "I know."
"That doesn't mean anything, though." He was suddenly backtracking. "That doesn't mean that he loves you more than I do."
"But you wouldn't stay with me, even if I begged."
He pursed his lips for a moment, and I wondered if he would try to deny it. We both knew the truth. "That's only because I know you better," he said at last. "Everything's going to go without a hitch. Even if you'd asked and I'd said no, you wouldn't be mad at me afterwards."
"If everything does go without a hitch, you're probably right. I wouldn't be mad. But the whole time you're gone, I'll be sick with worry, Jake. Crazy with it."
&nb
sp; "Why?" he asked gruffly. "Why does it matter to you if something happens to me?"
"Don't say that. You know how much you mean to me. I'm sorry it's not in the way you want, but that's just how it is. You're my best friend. At least, you used to be. And still sometimes are . . . when you let your guard down."
He smiled the old smile that I loved. "I'm always that," he promised. "Even when I don't . . . behave as well as I should. Underneath, I'm always in here."
"I know. Why else would I put up with all of your crap?"
He laughed with me, and then his eyes were sad. "When are you finally going to figure out that you're in love with me, too?"
"Leave it to you to ruin the moment."
"I'm not saying you don't love him. I'm not stupid. But it's possible to love more than one person at a time, Bella. I've seen it in action."
"I'm not some freaky werewolf, Jacob."
He wrinkled his nose, and I was about to apologize for that last jab, but he changed the subject.
"We're not far now, I can smell him."
I sighed in relief.
He misinterpreted my meaning. "I'd happily slow down, Bella, but you're going to want to be under shelter before that hits."
We both looked up at the sky.
A solid wall of purple-black cloud was racing in from the west, blackening the forest beneath it as it came.
"Wow," I muttered. "You'd better hurry, Jake. You'll want to get home before it gets here."
"I'm not going home."
I glared at him, exasperated. "You're not camping with us."
"Not technically -- as in, sharing your tent or anything. I prefer the storm to the smell. But I'm sure your bloodsucker will want to keep in touch with the pack for coordination purposes, and so I will graciously provide that service."
"I thought that was Seth's job."
"He'll take over tomorrow, during the fight."
The reminder silenced me for a second. I stared at him, worry springing up again with sudden fierceness.
"I don't suppose there's any way you'd just stay since you're already here?" I suggested. "If I did beg? Or trade back the lifetime of servitude or something?"
"Tempting, but no. Then again, the begging might be interesting to see. You can give it a go if you like."
"There's really nothing, nothing at all I can say?"
"Nope. Not unless you can promise me a better fight. Anyway, Sam's calling the shots, not me."
That reminded me.
"Edward told me something the other day . . . about you."
He bristled. "It's probably a lie."
"Oh, really? You aren't second in command of the pack, then?"
He blinked, his face going blank with surprise. "Oh. That."