Six is Regional Access, showing footage of a downtown street festival for a particular ethnic/cultural/lifestyle subgroup you may or may not belong to, or have ever heard of.
Channel Seven is a pay movie channel, but you watched the movie yesterday.
Eight is a home shopping channel. A watch revolves on a velvety pedestal for the low-low price of $59.99 and a woman's voice off camera says something about, "In the Rolex-y style..."
Nine is the affiliate of a brand spanking new network struggling to shoulder its way in among the Big Boys. A star-trek series is on, and you may or may not be able to instantly identify it as TOS, TNG, DS9, or STV.
Channel Ten is running a show in syndication centering on a black family in Baltimore that ran for nearly three weeks on a network. You may or may not know what state Baltimore is in.
Eleven is the Grand Puba of the networks at the moment. A thirty-second commercial is on for a luxury car, followed by a minute and a half of promos for what is coming on after the show that is now in commercial. They are all sit-coms, well known young people in major metropolitan areas.
Twelve would be a local station if you lived in Atlanta.
Thirteen would be a local station if you lived in Chicago.
Channel Fourteen runs a list of what is on every other channel, curiously including channel fourteen.
Fifteen runs a list of what is on pay-per-view.
Sixteen is radar weather, a computerized map and disembodied monotone that tell you it may or may not be raining. If you glance away from the screen at a window, you see that it is.
Seventeen is another local access, showing an interview with high school volley ball players. Somewhere, perhaps not far away, someone is taping this.
Eighteen and Nineteen are both home shopping. Eighteen is selling cowboy hats, Nineteen, the ugliest tote bags you have ever seen, shaped like foodstuffs. Watermelons, hot dogs, for $36.99 each. The tally at the side of the screen shows that they are selling like hotcakes, and there may in fact be one shaped like a hotcake.
Twenty to Twenty-six are premium movie channels. Seven movies are either starting or half over, and the two or three that look interesting, you rented months ago.
Twenty-seven is stand-up comedy. The audience goes wild, but with less gusto than a laugh track.
Twenty-eight is a community bulletin board advertising an ethnic/cultural/lifestyle festival that may or may not be the same one that is being shown on channel six.
Twenty-nine is a network affiliate showing a reality based show that you can sing the theme song to even though you may never have watched it.
It takes you several confused seconds to realize that the sit com on Channel 30, young people in a major-metropolitan area, is in Spanish.
Channels 31-34 are pay-per-view, the pictures fuzzed out but sound audible. The first two may or may not be movies you are going to rent this weekend, the third seems to be a sporting event, and the last is fairly obviously pornographic.
Thirty-five is a channel about other channels, showing a behind the scenes look at the attractive young cast of a sit com set in a major metropolitan area.
Thirty-six is inexplicably the same as sixteen, and it's still raining.
Thirty-seven is another non-premium movie channel, showing a black and white film starring the well-known actor narrating channel two.
Channel Thirty-eight, home shopping, the same watch starring on channel eight, being described in Spanish.
Thirty-nine, a murder trial that may or may not be a show.
Forty, an ornate room full of expensive vacant chairs and desks with microphones.
Forty-one, a family film based on a book you may or may not have read in grade school.
Forty-two, someone with an accent cooking something involving wine and oregano.
Forty-three, a black and white sit-com with older people living in small-town America.
Forty-four, a kissing cousin to the Atlanta station on twelve, showing a four hour documentary on Elvis.
Forty-five, the murder show that is on channel four, only in syndication.
Forty-six, a national sporting event.
Forty-seven, four men in suits talking about a national sporting event.
Forty-eight, a local sporting event.
Forty-nine, three men in jeans and camouflage talking about fishing.
Channel Fifty is a news channel. The national government is apparently shut down, and we may or may not be at war with a different national government that is apparently still open. Scores for national sporting events run along the bottom of the screen.
Fifty-one seems to be on the fritz.
Fifty-two is an in-depth interview with an important political/literary/business figure you may or may not have ever heard of.
Fifty-three is an infomercial for something to remove, enlarge, or otherwise alter something else.
Fifty-four is a music video channel. No videos are on however, apparently they don't do that anymore. Instead a show is on about a bunch of attractive young people living in a fabulous apartment in a major metropolitan area. You may or may not be able to tell what the young people are saying, even though it's not much.
Fifty-five, a music video channel with a music video on.
Fifty-six, a music video channel with a music video on. Your trained eye notes that these people are wearing cowboy hats they may or may not have purchased on a home shopping network.
Fifty-seven is a silver-haired man in churchy-looking robes sitting behind a desk. He looks straight at the camera and says, with all seriousness, "Now I'm a-gonna speak in tongues..."
Fifty-eight has on a show about paleontologists.
Fifty-nine is half way through a movie, staring Elvis, who is singing without a cowboy hat.
Sixty is reruns of the Twilight Zone. All day, all night, all the time.
Sixty-one has on, in syndication, a modern sit com about a two-parent family in a small town and their kids who go to school in a big building with no metal detectors. It is, of course, a cartoon.
Sixty-two is a historical channel that announces that on this day in 1941 regular television broadcasting began in the United States.
Channel Two is the public station...
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