Chapter 20
Oh My God
After Denny left, I went to bed with that note clutched in my fingers. I knew Kellan had written it back in the fall, before things had shifted between us, but it did comfort me. He'd known, even back then, that something might possibly distance us while he was on the road. He'd known, and begged me in advance not to leave him. And I didn't want to. I wanted him. I wanted the life he'd mapped out on paper. I just wanted to trust him too.
My phone rang by my bed early the next morning. Still clutching the letter in my slow-to-respond-fingers, I fumbled with the noisy contraption, managing to hit the answer button just before it switched to voicemail.
A warm voice filled my ear. "Happy Anniversary. "
I smiled and rolled onto my back, imagining the dark blue eyes that accompanied the voice. "You don't have to keep telling me that every time you call, Kellan. "
He sighed, the soft sound almost overshadowed by the squeak of a mattress compressing. "I know, but I still feel really bad that I missed it, that I couldn't fly out to you. A year together is a big deal, and I really wanted to see you. . . but stuff kept coming up. . . "
I bit my lip. He'd said before that it was things for the new record that had come up. Just when he'd thought he'd get away, the record label would come at him with a new form he had to sign or some amendment to the contract. They also wanted to formally approve every song before they'd consent to having it recorded. Kellan wasn't thrilled with the fact that a corporation had final say over his music, but making an album was expensive, and the studio had to make sure they were getting the best bang for their buck. Fiscally it made sense, but it also made the process of getting ready to record that much more complicated. Especially since they wanted all of the songs signed off on before the group came out to L. A. in May. That didn't give Kellan and the guys a whole lot of time.
I understood all of that. . . but I'd really wanted to spend my anniversary with my boyfriend, not a bottle of Nyquil. "You had good reason, Kellan, I understand. Besides, I was pretty sick anyway, and you did send me flowers. "
I smiled, thinking of them in the other room, but Kellan sighed again. "Yeah, flowers you didn't get on time. I'm really sorry about that. I was sure I'd find you at Pete's on a Saturday night. "
Now I sighed. "It's okay, Kellan, it's not a big deal. "
"It is to me, Kiera. I'm really sorry it's turned out this way. I'll make it up to you. . . someday. . . I promise. "
Shifting to my side, I laid my head on my arm. A moment of silence passed between Kellan and I. A moment that began to fill with tension, as I thought of all the blocks there were between us, physical ones and emotional ones. Squeezing my hand holding the paper, I whispered, "I found your letter last night, the one in the couch. "
Silence, then a mattress squeaking as he adjusted his position as well. "Oh. . . and?"
I heard the uncertainty in his voice, like he thought maybe he'd gone too far, openly admitting that he wanted to marry me. Maybe he thought I didn't want that for us. Maybe he thought I was still hoping to marry Denny one day, since that had been our unofficial plan. "You really see that future for us?"
"Yeah, I do, Kiera. . . all the time. Do. . . do you?"
"Yeah. " Remembering the fears I'd confessed to Denny last night, fears that Denny had solidified in me by his silence, a thought began to override my answer. With my head screaming at me, if you think he's cheating on you, Kiera, then he probably is, I quickly added, "Maybe. . . someday. "
As Kellan absorbed my seemingly lukewarm answer, the awkward silence on the line grew even bigger. Hating the tension that was forming in my stomach, I whispered, "I miss you. "
His response came in a rush. "I miss you too. I know we saw each other a couple of weeks ago, but it wasn't enough, not nearly enough. . . I really miss you. "
Hearing the melancholy in his voice, I scrunched my brows and bit my lip. "Kellan? You. . . okay?"
My heart started beating faster as I waited for his answer. Even though he only paused for a few seconds, it seemed like an eternity. "Yeah. . . just exhausted. I never realized how. . . taxing this would be. Always on the road, always away from home, always having to deal with. . . people. I know it's early for you and you probably want to go back to sleep, but could you stay on the line for a bit? I'm feeling. . . I just want to listen to you breathe for a while. "
Sympathy for him rushing through me, I wished I could put my arms around him, squeeze him tight. . . kiss him. "I don't have anywhere to be but right here with you, Kellan. "
I heard rustling sounds as he exhaled contently. "Good, I love you, Kiera. It seems like forever since I've held you, since I've made love to you. "
I flushed a little, then remembered it had been a while. . . Christmas Eve to be exact. "It has been forever, Kellan. " Hoping and praying that my last time had also been Kellan's last time, I swallowed. In the silence I heard another squeak of a mattress. "Where are you?" I asked, ice prickling my skin that maybe he was calling from a hotel room. . . and not his.
He let out a sensual noise of contentment. "On the bus, in the back bedroom. All the guys are gone, so I snagged Griffin's bed. " He laughed a little. "I just couldn't spend another moment in that tiny bunk. "
Picturing him somewhere that Griffin did. . . Griffin-type things in, I grimaced. Then, picturing him sleepily sprawled out on a bed, I smiled. A rush of desire tingled me and I whispered, "So. . . you're alone? Completely alone?"
"Yeah. . . why?"
Dropping his letter to my bed, I covered my eyes with my hands. God, I could not ask him to be intimate with me over the phone, I just couldn't. But, we were getting farther and farther apart. . . I felt it. And maybe a moment of reconnection was exactly what we needed right now.
Flaming hot to the touch in my embarrassment, I squeaked out, "I want to. . . Will you. . . ?"
As my throat dried up and speech became impossible, Kellan quietly asked, "What, Kiera?"
Keeping my eyes tightly closed, I shifted onto my back and pretended that I was Anna. She'd have no problems asking Griffin to have sex over the phone. Oh, God, I really wished I hadn't just had that thought. Sighing at myself, I forced the words to come out. "I feel like we're drifting, Kellan, and I just want to feel closer to you. I-"
Kellan cut me off. "I'm sorry, Kiera. I feel like that's my fault. I just. . . I. . . I should. . . We should talk about. . . God, this is hard. . . "
My eyes watering, I shook my head. No, I didn't want him to break my heart right now. I wanted him to make me feel better. I wanted him to make me feel like we were completely in sync, completely in love, and completely devoted to each other. I wanted to feel worshipped again, even if it was just for this one moment.
"No, don't, Kellan. I don't want to talk right now. I just want you to make me feel good. . . "
His end went silent, then, "Kiera, are you asking me to. . . do you want me to make love to you?"
I groaned a little as his words went straight through my body. I knew that I was using sex as a diversion, like he sometimes did. I knew that I was sidestepping our issues, and I also knew if I pushed right now, really pushed, I could probably get him to be honest with me. But. . . I wasn't ready to hear his sins. And it had been so long and I missed him. . . so much. If we could just pretend. . .
"Yes," I whispered, my voice husky. "Make me feel it, Kellan. . . make me feel like your wife. . . "
"Oh, God, Kiera. . . I want you so much. . . "
I ran my hand over my body, over the places he liked to touch. My breath quicker, I whispered, "I don't know what to do, Kellan. "
He groaned in my ear, the sound sending a jolting ache right through me. Keeping my eyes tightly closed, I found that I could easily imagine that my hand was his. Especially with his voice in my ear, guiding me. "Take your shirt off, baby. I need to run my tongue over those beautiful breasts. . . "
It was a half an hour later before he finally let me have the explosion my body had been craving. He'd kept me on the edge, tantalizing me by telling me exactly where to go, what to touch. And he always said he was doing it, so I didn't feel stupid or self conscious. Although, I stopped caring about that about five minutes into it. Really, I stopped caring about that when he started touching himself. And his voice when he came. . . God, it was still ringing in my ears.
Panting into the phone, it took me a minute to register that he was talking to me. "Hey, you still there?"
He chuckled a little bit and I felt that embarrassment start to slide back in. I pushed it away though. "Yeah, sorry. " I laughed a little too. "I got a little distracted there. "
He purred in my ear-a delicious sound. "Yes, I know. God that was incredible, Kiera. . . you were incredible. "
Not feeling like I'd really done anything special, I murmured, "Are you sure that was okay? That was definitely a first for me. . . "
He sighed and laughed. "Uh, considering I haven't come that hard on my own in a long time. . . yeah, that was perfect. And. . . a first for me, too. "
That startled me so much, I sat up in bed. "You've never had phone sex before?"
I flushed at asking him that so bluntly, but he only chuckled at my response. "No. . . why do you sound so surprised?"
I sucked on my lip, remembering the heated words he'd used to stoke my body, remembering him urging me to do whatever felt good. At the time, it had all seemed so natural coming out of his mouth that I'd have believed he got paid professionally to do it. He probably could. I guess being an overly sexual person did have its bright spots.
"Because you were amazing. . . "
"Amazing, reall-?" He cut off what he'd been about to say and instead swore.
I bunched my brows. "Kellan? Everything alright?"
Sounding like he was moving in a hurry, he murmured, "Yeah, it's just. . . the guys came back. I have to go. . . clean up. Sorry. "
A flood of heat rushed to my cheeks, picturing what he probably looked like right now. I wrapped the blankets around my bare body, feeling embarrassed at just the thought of being walked in on in that position. "Oh, okay, I love you. "
Chuckling, he told me he loved me too, then hung up the phone. I set it down on my nightstand and stretched out under my covers, remembering him moaning my name. For the time being, I felt completely content and relaxed, and I hoped that it would last.
It surprisingly lasted for a while. I felt on cloud nine as I floated throughout my days. Cheyenne noticed it, asking me if it had anything to do with the rose that I was twirling in my fingers during poetry class. I smiled and nodded at the perky woman. I had no idea how Kellan had managed to pull it off, but every day since our heated moment on the phone, I'd been approached by complete strangers and handed a single red rose. Sometimes it happened here at school, sometimes at work. Once at Starbucks. It was almost like Kellan wanted to make sure that he didn't miss me again.
It was only the Wednesday after our phone call, and I already had a vase of fourteen at home. If he kept up at this pace, I'd have to buy more vases. And I'd probably have to move out. My sister was being a bear lately and rolled her eyes at every romantic gesture Kellan made. She'd even snipped that the flowers were making the apartment stink. Really? How is that even possible?
I tried not to gloat about it, since she seemed pretty irritated at Griffin's lack of. . . everything, but I hoped her mood improved soon. Maybe if it didn't, I'd go shack up with Denny?
He'd finally found a place to live and it was. . . impressive. It was a house in a secluded residential area on Queen Anne hill. The places up there were pretty nice, and Denny had an amazing view of the city. My jaw dropped when he'd shown me around.
After class today, I was going to go help him pick out furniture. He had a pretty good eye when it came to decorating, since it sort of went hand-in-hand with marketing, and I think he just invited me along to make sure I was okay.
He hadn't said anything about my mood improvement since the night I'd cried in his arms, the night he'd found Kellan's love letter, but Denny watched me like a hawk, waiting for me to breakdown again. I felt bad that I'd caved in front of him, admitted my fears to him, so I think I overcompensated my joyfulness around him, probably making it seem disingenuous. As a result, he called me a lot and invited me out a lot.
I didn't mind. I enjoyed spending time with Denny. . . I always had.
As winter quarter was ending, today was the last day of my poetry class. I gave Cheyenne a hug and thanked her for helping me through it. I was sure I'd never have gotten through the flowery language without her help.
"No problem, Kiera. Maybe for our last quarter, we can still get together and study over coffee?"
Knowing my spring quarter was equally just as challenging as this last one had been, I exhaled with a long sigh. "Yeah, definitely. " As I waved goodbye to the boisterous blonde, she gave me a warm smile. It was an overly warm smile and it made me frown. The smile had seemed. . . a little too fond.
Waving goodbye to other friends I had made in the class, I hoped that Cheyenne hadn't taken a liking to me. I wasn't sure if she was interested in boys or girls, things like that don't usually come up in candid conversations. Although, when we talked about Kellan, she often mentioned an ex she'd had, years ago in high school. I was pretty sure that had been a guy. At any rate, I didn't want to hurt yet another person in my life.
But, then again, maybe I was reading too much into it. Cheyenne was friends with just about everybody in the class. And I wasn't exactly a drop-dead beauty that everybody lusted after. No, that was Kellan. . . not me.
Laughing at myself, I headed out to the parking area where Denny was picking me up. Knowing we were shopping together today, I'd left Kellan's "baby" safely parked at my apartment, with firm instructions to my sister for her to not take it for a test drive. Looking sullen and tired, she'd only shrugged and muttered, "Whatever. "
Stepping out of his car as I arrived, Denny cocked his head at me. "What's so funny?"
Realizing I was still giggling over the idea of yet another person being enamored with me, I shook my head. "Just realizing that I think way too much of myself. "
Pursing his lips, Denny shook his head and rolled his eyes. It was an adorable expression and I grinned. "Right, your self-esteem is just. . . obnoxious. " He gave me his charming, goofy grin. "You should really work on your modesty. "
I smacked his shoulder, laughing as I opened his car door. Sliding into his creamy, luxurious seats, eagerly anticipating the warming sensation of the heater installed in them, I looked over at Denny as he got in his side. He eyed the flower in my hand as he started the car. "That from Kellan?"
He raised a dark eyebrow at me as I set the flower on the dash. "Yeah," I said, a little dreamily.
"Everything. . . all right then?"
Hearing the concern in his question, I looked back at him, his dark eyes now concentrating on the road. "I guess. I mean, we haven't talked yet, but I feel like we've taken a step closer together. "
Not looking me, Denny said, "But you haven't talked yet, so nothing's really changed. "
I sighed, twisting to look out the window. "No, no I guess it hasn't. I don't really want to talk about it though, Denny. "
He sighed a little, then softly said, "Okay, Kiera. It's your relationship, not mine. "
Looking back over at him, I tilted my head. "Speaking of yours. . . any word on Abby coming over?"
He visibly brightened as he looked back at me. "Yeah, her assignment is wrapping up soon. She thinks she could make it out here by the end of April. "
Denny's eyes filled with a warmth that I was only used to seeing in reference to me. It hurt a little, seeing it in connection to another woman, but it also made me feel good too, in a strange way. Denny was a part of my life, and I loved him. I wanted him happy and she seemed to make him that way. Placing my hand on his knee, I gave him a soft smile. "I'm glad, Denny, I'm sure you've missed her. "
I instantly wondered if he'd had heated conversations on the phone with her, then thought probably not. That wasn't Denny's style. Then again, it wasn't my style either. . . and I'd done it. If Abby was anything like Kellan, I supposed she could have opened Denny up to all sorts of new things. In some ways, Denny and I were too alike. The two of us being with people different than us was probably a good thing. Opposites attract and all.
Denny looked down at my hand on his knee, then up to me. He gave me a quick smile but minutely pulled his leg away. I understood and immediately removed my hand. Some things felt too familiar. Some lines shouldn't be crossed anymore. And being so alike, we both understood that.
Walking through every furniture store downtown, we finally picked out the perfect living room and dining room set. We even picked out a bedroom set. And yes, picking out a bed with your ex boyfriend, knowing that he'll be using it with his current girlfriend. . . is weird.
We both had uncomfortable expressions on our faces when the salesman made us sit on a mattress together. But then, when we were lying on our backs, pondering the weird situation we were in, we both looked at each other at the same time and started laughing. It was so weird, it had gone into the realm of amusing.
Laughing on that plastic-coated mattress with Denny, I couldn't help but wonder what Kellan would say, if he knew where I was and what I was doing. If he could see us, see how there was mainly just friendship between us, he might be okay with it. But me telling him about it over the phone. . . with no visual to go with the explanation, it just sounded bad, especially since Denny had been here for a few months now. The longer he was here, the harder it was to explain.
Settling on a relatively firm Queen-sized mattress, we picked out the furniture to go with it. It was beautiful, and I was sure Abby was going to love the sleigh bed he'd decided on. Running his hand over the back of it, Denny told me that Abby had this romantic notion of going on a sleigh ride in the dead of winter. Bundling up together under heavy blankets, while a couple of beautiful horses pulled you through banks of pristine snow, light flakes of it dropping on your hair, sounded pretty amazing to me too. I hoped that she thought of that when she saw this bed. . . and having that thought was weird too.
It was starting to get late when I finally got back to my apartment. After making the preparations for all his new stuff to be delivered, Denny had taken me out for a celebratory dinner. His topic of conversation had all been around Abby, and how excited he was to show her their new place.
I'd smiled politely, happy that he was happy, but a small twinge had gone through me at his home being called "theirs. " It didn't bother me as much as I'd have once thought, though. Probably because Kellan sometimes called his place "ours," and that always brought a smile to my face. I wanted Abby to have the same good feelings, even if I'd never met her.
But walking through my door around ten o'clock that night, I was pretty surprised to find my sister pacing the living room. For one, she didn't usually get upset enough to pace, and two, I was pretty sure she should have been at work.
Pointing at her as I set my bag on the table, I started to ask why she wasn't at Hooters. She didn't even let me get the first word of my question out though. Twisting to me, hands on her hips, she spat out, "There you are. Where have you been? I've been calling you forever. "
Glancing at my bag, I realized my phone must have died. I hope Kellan hadn't tried to call. "Uh, I was out with Denny. Why?"
When I looked back at her she was glaring at me. "I don't know why you hang out with him. " I started to defend him when she shook her head and raised her hands, interrupting me. "Look, I don't really care about you and Denny. " Stepping up to me, she grabbed my forearms. Eyes wide, she frantically sputtered, "I'm late, Kiera. "
Furrowing my brows, I shook my head. "Okay, well the Honda is here. . . you could have left for work anytime?" I kept shaking my head, confused. Anna and I hadn't fought over the car since Kellan had left the Chevelle for me. And honestly, that was here too, if she'd really needed to leave.
Dropping her head back, she gave me an exasperated groan. "God, Kiera, not that kind of late!" Her head snapped back up as her eyes widened. Voice trembling, she slowly repeated, "I'm l-a-t-e. "
She glanced at her stomach and my eyes grew to saucers. "Oh my God, you're pregnant!"
Shushing me, she looked around our completely empty apartment. Like she didn't want the dust bunnies to hear, she murmured, "I don't know. . . but I'm freaking out. "
Shock dropping my mouth wide open, I asked her all the questions floating around my head. "How late? When was your last period? How far along are you? Who was the last guy you were with?" Pausing a second, I raised an eyebrow at her. "Do you know who the father is?"
Glaring at me, she dropped my arms and started smacking me. "Yes! I know who the father is. . . bitch. "
Attempting to block her hits, I backed up a step. "Sorry. Jesus, Anna. " Successfully stepping out of her range, I held my hands up. "Don't kill me for saying this, but you don't always stick to just one guy. "
Her lip trembled and her perfectly green eyes filled with tears. Dropping her head into her hands, she started to cry. Feeling bad, I quickly put my arms around her and held her to me. Between sobs she got out, "I know. . . but I've. . . only been with one lately. . . and. . . oh God, Kiera. . . "
She looked back up at me, her face desolate. "It's Griffin's. . . "
Now my face was desolate. "Oh my God, I was afraid you were going to say that. . . " If there was one person on this earth that should never procreate. . . it was Griffin. But he had, and now my sister was possibly carrying his seed.
Clutching her arms, I grabbed my bag and pulled her towards the door. "Come on, we have to get you a test. "
Surprisingly, she jerked on my arm. She was shaking her head as I looked back at her, her face looking genuinely terrified. "I can't. . . "
Running my hand down her arm as soothingly as I could, I whispered, "You have to know, Anna. Either way, you have to know. "
She still looked spooked, but she didn't argue with me so I very gently pulled her forward. Feeling like I was trying to break in a wild mare that was going to bolt at any sudden movement or sharp sound, I finally got the freaked-out Anna into Kellan's car.
But when I turned the ignition, she opened the door and bolted. Twisting my lips at her through the window, I shook my head. "Get back in the car, Anna. "
She slammed the door shut and shook her head. "You do it, I'll wait upstairs. " Sighing at her reluctance to face the facts before her, I nodded and backed the car out of the lot. Hopefully, she'd still be home when I got back. Anna could avoid responsibility with the best of them. I had no idea what she'd do if the stick turned blue.
At the drugstore, I picked up one of each kind of test, and two of the kind that detected pregnancies early. If she'd gotten pregnant from Griffin, then it had to have happened in Boise, and that had been just a few weeks ago. It seemed too early to me for her to test positive, but then, I wasn't an expert on the subject. I'd leave that up to EPT.
Wishing my sister had been here to buy these, wishing the person at the register was a girl tonight and not a twenty-something guy, I set down my basket full of pregnancy tests, muttering, "They're for my sister. . . "
The man smirked at me, but said nothing. I was sure he thought I was lying. I oddly felt like covering up, even though I was already wearing a thick jacket. I don't know, but buying pregnancy tests was sort of like buying condoms. It was a flashing neon sign hovering above you that screamed-I'm having sex! Well, I supposed the tests screamed-I had sex!
I hoped I didn't run into anyone I knew. . .
Luckily, I didn't, and I got out of there with bright red cheeks and most of my pride intact. When I got back to the apartment, my sister was still there. In fact, she was huddled on the couch under a blanket, shaking like she'd just watched a horror movie. Sighing at her, I handed her the paper bag. She wouldn't take it. Instead, she dropped her head in her hands and started crying again.
Sinking down to my knees, I put the bag out of sight behind me and brushed her silky hair behind her ears. "Hey, it will be okay, sis. " In what I thought was a hopeful voice I added, "I mean, you're probably not pregnant. Don't you use the pill?" I'd used it diligently ever since Denny and I had started getting serious. I just assumed Anna did the same.
She looked up at me, her face forlorn. "Most days. . . "
I bit my lip to contain the rant I wanted to give her. You can't go around and sow your wild oats so carelessly. But, she was freaking out, and the last thing she needed was a lecture from me. Smiling instead, I patted her leg. "Do you want me to help you?"
Rolling her eyes, she glared over at the bag I was hiding with my body. "No, thank you. I can pee all by myself. "
Sighing, I watched as she stood up, grabbed the bag, and stormed out of the room. I tried to imagine the free-spirited vixen pregnant. . . but I couldn't.
She came out of the bathroom a couple of minutes later, holding five sticks in one hand. She stared at them, horrified, like they were going to start calling her Mommy at any moment. "Okay, now what?"
Walking up to her, I eyed the freshly wet sticks. . . they were blank. "Well, I think you have to wait a few minutes, Anna. "
She looked up at me, color in her cheeks. "I have to wait? I have to sit here and wait to see if my life is over or not?"
"Anna, your life doesn't have to be over if you are preg-"
She put her finger up to my mouth, silencing me. "Don't say the p-word. It's bad luck. " I rolled my eyes at her, hoping she'd washed that finger, but I didn't comment on her ridiculous superstition.
Running her hand through her hair, Anna continued to stare at the sticks in her other palm. "I need a drink," she muttered.
She started to twist her body, like she was headed to the kitchen. I grabbed her arm. "Anna, you can't drink, not if you're preg-" She glared at me nearly saying the dreaded word again and I quickly changed it to, "not if you're with child. "
I smiled at my turn-of-phrase, Anna frowned. "Damn it! This sucks already. "
Forcefully taking the sticks from her, I made her sit on the couch, away from them. Her eyes watched the various tests in my hand. I almost felt like I could wave her into a trance with them, like a snake charmer at a circus. I wished I could, since every ten seconds she asked, "Anything?"
Glancing every time, I responded with, "No, be patient. "
Around the tenth time she asked and I glanced, I noticed something. When I didn't answer her immediately, Anna stood up. I held her back with a hand, trying to remember if, on this particular brand, two dashes was a good thing. . . because I was definitely seeing two.
"What? What's the verdict?" she asked, agitated as she grabbed my hand keeping her back.
"I don't know yet, Anna. "
Narrowing my eyes, hoping that I was remembering the directions wrong, I looked for the one that used plain English to spell out your fate. As the words blossomed to life right in front of my eyes, I nearly felt like crying.
My sister was nearly frantic with worry when I looked up at her. In the loudest voice I could muster, I whispered, "You're pregnant. . . they're positive. "
Her eyes widened and glossed over. Dropping my arm, she quietly asked, "All of them?" like somehow if just one said no, it would negate the rest.
I glanced at them again, then up to her. All of the ones without words were similar-two dashes, a dash and a plus sign, one even had a smiley face. Adding that to the one that joyfully pronounced PREGNANT and it could only mean one thing.
I nodded and gave her a sad smile. "All of them. Congratulations, Anna, you're gonna have a baby. "
She started sobbing. . . and not because she was happy.
When Anna gathered herself, she seemed convinced that she could change the outcome of technology. "No!" Grabbing the sticks, she started marching her way to the bathroom. On the way, she screamed, "No fucking way! These are wrong. I am NOT pregnant!"
I gingerly followed behind the angry-at-fate woman, trying to help her without getting my head torn off. After she slammed the bathroom door shut, I timidly knocked on it. "Anna? What are you doing?"
Her voice trembling with fear and rage, she yelled, "I'm taking the rest of them! Because they're wrong! There's no way that fucker knocked me up! None!"
I sighed, not wanting to tell her that it was possible. Griffin may be an idiot, but his sperm could still swim. . . apparently. Very quietly, I asked, "Are you sure it was Griffin?"
I cringed after I asked, knowing the temperamental woman would probably throttle me for kind of calling her a slut for a second time. The door cracked open and twin emerald eyes blazed at me. "Yes. . . I'm. . . sure. "
She slammed the door shut again and I winced. "Okay, just checking. . . "
When it was silent for a long time, I slowly opened the door. Anna had every test lined around the small sink. They were all various colors and styles, and the results screens showed various forms of words or symbols, but the results were the same on every single one of them.
Confirmed by a dozen different tests. . . Anna was pregnant.
She looked back up at me, teary eyed, her anger sapped. "What do I do, Kiera?"
I stepped into the room and hugged the lost woman. She seemed completely thrown, and I'd never seen my sister thrown. She tended to roll with whatever life gave her, breezing from place to place, man to man, job to job. A child though. . . that was a permanent responsibility that she couldn't flit away from.
"You'll do the best you can, Anna, and I'll help you as much as I can. "
I pulled back to look at her and she broke away from me, taking a step back in the small room. Shaking her head, she sputtered, "No, I can't do this, Kiera. I'm not you. I'm not responsible or reliable or even that smart. " She tossed her hands up in the air. "I work at Hooters for fuck's sake. All I have is nice hair and a great rack. What the hell do I have to offer a kid?"
Sighing, I put my hand on her arm. "You'll do better than you think, and I know you, you'll love that baby. . . so much. And what more does a baby need, but love?"
Tears down her cheeks, she shook her head again. "I can't do this. . . I don't want to. I don't want kids, I've never wanted kids. " She ran her hands back through her hair, groaning. "Oh my God. . . Dad! He's going to kill me. Mom. . . she'll never look at me the same. . . "
Sniffling, she covered her face for a second and I patted her arm. "They'll. . . come around, Anna. They'll be proud grandparents, and you and Griffin-"
She dropped her hands, her jaw dropping. "Griffin. . . oh my God. Griffin is going to be a father!" She said it like she just now realized what his role in all of this was going to be.
I rubbed her arm supportively. "Yeah, that's kind of how it works, Anna. "
Shaking her head, her face still in disbelief, she said, "Griffin can't be a dad, Kiera. He just can't. " She pointed out the bathroom window, to where our boys were miles and miles away from us. "He blows pot into puppy's faces, Kiera! Can you picture him around a child?"
I cringed. Nope, not in a million years. I tried to switch it to a placating smile, but Anna noticed my expression. In some attempt to reassure her, I said, "Well, you'll have me and Kellan and Evan, and Matt especially, since he's family. They'll. . . keep Griffin in check. "
Sighing, she closed the toilet seat and sat on it. "Griffin. . . he'll think I did this on purpose, like those groupies they were warned about. " She looked up at me, fresh tears in her eyes. "He'll never want to be with me again. "
Tears in my own eyes, I shook my head. "Anna, he won't. . . " I closed my mouth. No, Anna was right. It's exactly what he would think. Shaking my head, I shrugged. "I'm sorry. "
I swallowed back the tears threatening to spill over as sympathy washed through me. Whatever was between her and Griffin, it was clear that Anna genuinely did like him, maybe love him even. I wasn't sure, but I knew it was over now, and I knew how much an ending relationship hurt.
Watching my struggling emotions, Anna suddenly stood up. "I'm gonna be sick. . . " I moved to hug her, thinking her pain was emotional, but she held one hand out to me and one to her mouth. "No, I'm really gonna be sick. "
Turning around, she quickly opened the toilet lid and proceeded to throw up in it. Holding her hair back, I rubbed her shoulder while she rested her head on her arm. She sniffled a few times, breathing heavier, then her anger seemed to resurface.
Shooting up to her feet, she wiped her mouth off on a nearby towel. As I gave her whatever words of encouragement I could think of, she grabbed the paper bag from the drug store and started shoving all of the tests inside of it. Crumpling up the bag, she stormed out of the bathroom.
Curious which way the emotional woman was going to swing now, I followed her out. Oddly enough, she stormed into my room. "Anna. . . now what are you doing?"
Opening one of my dresser drawers, she shoved the bag inside and closed it. Glaring, she looked back at me. "No, this isn't happening. This is just some weird dream that I'm going to wake up from any minute. "
Dropping my mouth open, I pointed at the bag in my drawer. "You're not dreaming, Anna. That did happen, and you need to deal with it now. "
She gave me a blank look as she started to walk out of the room. "I don't know what you're talking about, Kiera. "
I grabbed her shoulders as she walked past me. She didn't look at me. "You can't just wish this away, Anna. It's going to happen to you whether you want to acknowledge it or not. "
Her face completely emotionless, she finally turned to look at me. "No, Kiera. . . it doesn't have to happen. "
All of the blood drained from my face, from my body. Did she mean. . . ? I couldn't believe my sister would contemplate that. I knew she was freaking out, I knew she was distraught, but. . . I couldn't believe she'd even consider. . . ending the pregnancy. "Anna. . . you can't. . . "
She jerked away from me, a trace of emotion back on her features. "I don't know yet, Kiera, okay. I just. . . I need to let this sink in for a few days, alright?"
I nodded at her, swallowing. Thinking was a good thing. Head down, she started to leave my room. At the door she stopped and looked back. "Don't tell anyone about this, Kiera, please? Not Mom or Dad, not Jenny, not Kellan or Denny. . . no one. "
I sighed and took a step towards her. "Anna, you don't have to do this alone. "
She shook her head and held her hand out to stop me. "Please? If I decide to have an abor. . . If I decide to stop this, I don't want any of them to ever know. Ever. Please? I haven't told Kellan about your little secret! And I totally covered for you when you were in the hospital after the Denny-Kellan fiasco, made up some stupid story about your appendix bursting when Dad got the bill. . . you owe me this. "
Her voice wavered so bad, it betrayed how much this decision was eating at her. I knew my sister wasn't a cold person that could end a life on a whim, but I knew the idea of bringing a baby into the world scared the crap out of her, especially in her weird situation with Griffin. Hoping she'd come around if I gave her space and silence, I nodded. "Alright, I promise you I will not say a word. . . to anyone. "
She nodded and turned to leave and I grabbed her arm. "But you have to tell me. . . before you do it. " Tears dripping down my cheeks now, I shook my head. "If you decide not to keep it, you tell me before. . . not after, okay?"
Her eyes watered, tears slowly leaving them and trailing down her splotched cheeks. Pulling her into a hug, I added, "That's my niece or nephew in there. You have to at least give me one last chance to talk you out of it. And if I can't. . . you have to let me go with you. . . to hold your hand. "
When I pulled back, tears were streaming down her face and she nodded, hiccupping back a sob. My own face as wet as hers, I cupped her cheeks. "I love you, Anna. I know you'll do. . . what's best. "
She nodded, then turned and left.