Chapter 22
Don't Lie
Anna perked up even more after her doctor's appointment. I spotted her looking at baby clothes when I took her shopping one afternoon, and eyeing infants in strollers as we passed them by. I even found a "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book in the kitchen. Of course, I'd found it in the freezer, so I figured something in there had freaked Anna out. She used to hide scary books when we were kids. When I was nine, I'd found Stephen King's "It" in my sock drawer.
She wasn't quite at the acceptance level yet, but cruising into her ninth week, she was getting there. And only I knew about it. I had a feeling she'd hold off as long as she could on telling people. It wouldn't surprise me if she'd decide to tell our parents by showing up at their doorstep Christmas morning, baby in tow. Assuming she kept it, of course.
I didn't like to think about the possibility that she wouldn't, but thinking about her dilemma, helped detract my head from mine. Conversations with Kellan lately had been quiet. Ever since Jenny had confessed that he was actively engaging someone else on the phone, I didn't know what to think. Sure, he could be talking with just about anybody, from someone at the record label to a friend back in Seattle, but my heart told me that that wasn't it. My heart told me it was a girl.
But he didn't act like he loved me any less when he talked to me. He didn't act cold or distant. He acted like he was completely in love with me still. Wishing he could be with me, he huskily told me how much he loved me. We'd even made love again, over the phone. It wasn't the same as being with him, but it did help to keep me feeling close, even if I wasn't sure if we were.
And, needless to say, I hadn't told him about Denny. It seemed almost pointless now, since Denny had been back for so long. I wasn't sure what was going to happen when Kellan's tour ended and he went to L. A. to work on his album, but I was sure about what was going to happen with Denny and me.
Nothing. . . nothing was going to happen.
Even if Kellan and I broke up today, and God, I hoped not, nothing would happen between Denny and I. The feeling just wasn't there anymore. Nothing more than friendship and fond memories remained. Even Denny's lingering bitterness over our breakup had dwindled.
We were just. . . comfortable again.
So when he came into Pete's one Wednesday evening, looking to be on the edge of tears, I was naturally concerned for my friend. Ignoring my waitressing duties for a moment, I sat beside him at a table. Handing him a beer, I quietly asked, "You okay?"
Wrapping his fingers around his bottle, he shook his head. "No, no I'm not. "
I frowned at seeing his normally jovial dark eyes looking so sad and soulful. Gently placing my hand on his arm, I peered around to look up into his face. "You want to talk about it?"
Sniffing, he looked up at me. His eyes searched mine for a moment. Scratching the hair along his jaw, he sighed. "Yeah, actually, I think I do. Can I come over after your shift?"
I smiled, patting his arm. "Of course. I'll see you there. "
He nodded, his smile still sad, and I leaned over on a whim and kissed his cheek. His smile softened as he looked up at me and I grinned, happy that I could ease his heart, even just a little bit. Scuffing up his longer-than-I-was-used-to hair, I stood and left him to his drinking.
Jenny was frowning at me as I stepped up to her. "I saw that. " She raised an eyebrow. "Anything going on?"
Knowing that she meant if anything was going on between us in a more than friendly way, I dryly told her, "No, nothing like that is going on. " I frowned and looked back at Denny. "He's sad, and I was trying to cheer him up. "
She looked over at where Denny was staring at his bottle. "Hmmm, yeah, he does seem sad. " Twisting to head over to him, she stopped and quietly added, "I know things are. . . strained, with you and Kellan, but don't do anything. . . rash. . . by 'cheering' Denny up a little too well. "
I gave her a wry smile. "I wasn't going to, Jenny, but thank you for that. "
She smiled as she sucked on an apple lollipop. "No problem. "
I shook my head at her as she bounced over to Denny and wrapped her arms around him. He gave her a small smile. It brightened a little when Jenny stuck a sucker in his palm. Wondering what was going on with my ex, wondering what was going on with my current, I finished off the rest of my shift in self contemplation.
The apartment was empty when I got back. A note from Anna said that she was spending the night at a friend's house. I smiled at seeing it. It was yet another sign that she was coming back to the bubbly personality that I knew and loved. I also hoped that by "friend," she meant a girl. The last thing Anna needed right now was to drag another guy into the mix. Her life was complicated enough.
I was just setting my bag down when the door was knocked on. Sighing softly, I walked over and opened it. Denny's glum face peered back at me. His dark eyes darker by the slight circling of exhaustion underneath them, he looked worn down.
Frowning, I motioned for him to come in. Dressed in his work clothes still, he loosened his tie after slinging his jacket over a kitchen chair. Running a hand back through his hair, he twisted to face me. "Thanks for letting me come by, Kiera. . . I didn't know who else to talk to. "
His accent thickened as he spoke and I stepped up to him, tilting my head. "What's going on, Denny?"
Shaking his head, he closed his eyes. "It's nothing, really. . . nothing I should be worrying you about. "
Cupping his cheek, I made him look at me. "It's bothering you, so you should talk to me about it. I'm your friend, Denny. Regardless of everything, I'm still your friend. "
Sighing, he gave me a one-sided grin. "Yeah. . . I know. " Glancing over to my ugly orange couch, he tilted his dark head. "Can we sit?"
Exhaling slowly, I nodded. "You want something to drink?" He shook his head and started walking over to the couch, so I followed him. Once he sat, he leaned over his knees. My heart started surging a little as his posture and mannerisms reminded me of another conversation we'd had on a couch. A conversation that had been really hard, for him and for me.
Shaking back the awful memory of Denny asking me if I was happy being with him, I put my hand on his knee. "It's okay. . . what is it?"
He glanced up at me, his eyes sad. "It's Abby. . . "
My heart filled with lead as I considered all of the things that could have happened between them that would make him look so sad. Had she left him? Cheated on him? Did another woman betray him? Him, the most loving, wonderful man I'd probably ever met? It seemed ridiculous to me and my heart instantly hardened against this woman who'd caused his face such pain.
And yes, I didn't miss the irony of feeling that way, considering I'd caused him the most pain of anyone.
"Oh, are you two. . . over?"
He gave me a quizzical look, then shook his head. "No, she just. . . had a problem with her work visa. She can't make it over here yet. It's going to be a few more weeks until they get everything straightened out. " He sighed, looking down at his hands. "We've been apart for so long, I just wanted. . . " When he looked back at me, his eyes were moist. "I wanted to see her. "
My heart softened as I realized that she hadn't hurt him, not intentionally. He just missed her. No, I was the only one that had caused him pain. Abby, she was everything he deserved to have. Putting my arm on his leg, I grabbed his hand. He looked down at our fingers, but didn't make a move to disentangle us.
"I'm so sorry, Denny. I know how excited you were for her to see your new place. "
Closing his eyes, he nodded. "Yeah, she was supposed to be here this weekend. I was going to have everything ready. . . make her a great meal, fill the house with her favorite flowers, light all the candles. . . "
He looked over at me, his face apologetic for describing his romantic intensions. It knotted my stomach, only fractionally, and I gave him a warm, encouraging smile. Slumping in sadness, he quietly added, "I just want her here. "
Rubbing his thumb against mine, he stared at me for a long time. When he finally spoke, his voice was quiet, his accent thick. "I think I hated you after you cheated on me. . . for a long time actually. " My heart sunk and my eyes welled as he continued to stare me down. Shaking his head, he said, "But I think I should thank you now. "
My jaw dropped as my eyes went wide. "Thank me? God, Denny. . . why? I was horrible to you. "
He smiled, looking at our hands. "Yes, yes you were. " Peeking up at me, he gave me a goofy grin. "But I'd have never gone back home if you hadn't hurt me so much. And if I'd never gone back home, I'd never have met Abby. " Looking past me, his smile widened as he thought of his lover, wherever she was. "And she. . . is a miracle to me. "
Oddly, that sentence didn't hurt me as much as it would have a few months ago. Oddly, it made me smile and we were both grinning at each other goofily. "I'm glad you're happy Denny, that's all I ever wanted for you. "
He nodded at me, then frowned. "Well, I'd be happy if I could get her here. . . "
Leaning in, I felt comfortable enough to give my friend a hug, knowing neither one of us would be hurt by it. He laughed a little and hugged me back. Letting go of my hand so he could get both arms around me, he squeezed me tight. I chuckled as I held him, comforted that I could still comfort him.
Pulling back, I tilted my head and told him, "If it makes you feel any better, I got kissed by a girl a couple of weeks ago. "
Giving me a playfully devilish grin, he leaned his head against mine. "You have my complete attention. Let's talk about the kiss. "
I was giggling when I heard the door open. Wondering why Anna had decided to come back, I loosened my arms and looked over at the door. I stopped giggling when I saw who was standing there. I think I stopped breathing. Denny immediately dropped his arms from around me as a cold voice filled the room.
"I felt bad for missing our anniversary. We had a short break in the schedule, and even though Matt's irked at me that I took off, I just had to come out and see you. "
My jaw dropped as Kellan stood just inside my apartment door. Eyes narrowed, his midnight blue depths stared at Denny and I like he wanted to set us on fire. "I wanted to surprise you. " His jaw tight, he spat out, "Are you surprised. . . ? Because I know I am. "
I instantly scooted away from Denny and stood up. Knowing how bad that moment looked, I held my hands up to Kellan. "I can explain. "
Walking into the room, Kellan slammed my door shut behind him. He pointed at us with a hand holding a bouquet of flowers; they vibrated as his hand shook. "You can explain?" he yelled. "Explain what exactly? The fact that he is sitting in your living room and not thousands of miles away, or the fact that you had your hands all over each other!"
Tossing the flowers to the floor, he strode into the living room. I immediately put my hands on Kellan's chest, afraid of him and Denny getting too close together. Glaring down at me, Kellan pushed his body against my hands and seethed, "I'm listening. . . start explaining!"
My throat completely closed up on me as Denny slowly rose from the couch. "Kiera. . . I told you to tell him. . . " Denny murmured.
Kellan's eyes snapped over to his. "Tell me what? Tell me about the kiss? Is that what I heard you say?" His eyes flashed back to mine, cold, enraged. "Is that what you need to tell me, Kiera. . . or is there more?"
Shaking my head, tears blurred my vision. "No, Kellan, he didn't kiss me. "
Kellan's eyes narrowed and he pushed me off of him. "Then you kissed him?"
I swallowed, wishing this was just a horrid dream. I should have told him, I should have told him on that very first day I ran into Denny. "No, Kellan, I didn't kiss anybody. . . "
Kellan walked up to me, pressing me back with his body until my legs pressed against the couch. Even knowing that he was extremely mad, even filled with guilt and fear for our relationship, his proximity excited me. My rough breath matching his, I resisted the urge to touch him as he leaned down and snapped, "But someone kissed you? Who?"
Denny stepped up to Kellan, placing a hand on his arm. "Kellan. . . relax, mate. "
Kellan snapped his head to Denny and shoved him back, hard. "Don't fucking call me, mate! Why the hell are you with my girl?"
The possessive accent on the word was so clear, it seemed to ring in the air. I put a calming hand on Kellan's chest but he ignored it, focused on Denny instead. Stumbling back a step, Denny managed to catch himself before falling. Slowly straightening, he glared at Kellan. "Right. . . your girl. "
Kellan sniffed, his jaw flexing hard, along with his fist. Knowing someone was going to start hitting someone else, I grabbed Kellan's face and made him look at me. "A girl at school kissed me! Okay?"
Kellan blinked, his expression relaxing. "A girl?" Twisting his brows, he searched my face. "Really?"
Sighing, I shrugged. "Yes, a girl. Denny and I haven't done anything wrong. You stepped into a situation that was easy to take out of context. " Stroking his cheek as I watched his face relax, I murmured, "But I didn't kiss her back. I haven't kissed anyone. . . but you. "
His dark blue eyes searched mine for what felt like an eternity, then he gave me a small, crooked smile. "You got kissed by a girl, and I missed it?"
Shaking my head, I thumped his chest with my hand. Clearing his throat, Denny took the small moment of levity to make his escape. "I'll let you two work this out. "
Maybe remembering that Denny was here, Kellan shifted his attention back to him. "What are you doing here?" he asked, slightly calmer than before.
Denny sighed, shaking his head. "Look, I don't want to be involved with this. I'm here for work, nothing more, I told her to tell you way back in February that I was here, but she was scared to. . . " He sighed, looking uncomfortable. "But that's between the two of you and I don't want to be here to watch you discuss it. "
Kellan straightened, then nodded at Denny, apparently respecting his honesty. Denny inched by him, never breaking eye contact. Once clear of him, Denny looked back at me. "Thanks for listening, Kiera. I'll call you tomorrow. "
He glanced back up at Kellan, then twisted to get his jacket and quietly left the apartment. Exhaling the knot of tension, grateful that at least another blowout hadn't happened, I waited for Kellan to twist back around and face me. When he did, his face was tight again.
"He'll call you tomorrow? What? Are you guys. . . buddies now?"
Shaking my head, knowing I'd messed up, once again, I trailed my hand down his chest. His stomach tightened as my fingers drifted over his abs, but his face showed nothing but irritation. "Yes, we are. . . and I'm sorry I didn't tell you he was here. " I shrugged. "I didn't know how you'd react. "
Bringing his hands to his hips, his jaw tightened. "You didn't know how I'd react, or how you'd react?"
Tilting his head, his finger came out to touch my chest. "Maybe you thought you'd start back up again. " He leaned into me, his face furious again, and his lips so close it was tantalizing. "Maybe you were hoping for it to start back up again?"
I tried to push him back from me, but only ended up pushing myself down onto the couch. Kellan stood before me, seething in anger as he stared down at me. Even though I hated the situation as I looked up at him, he'd been gone for so long that I was momentarily blown away by how attractive he was, especially when he was angry.
Licking my lips, I murmured, "Nothing happened, Kellan, and I didn't want anything to happen. Denny and I are just friends. . . I promise. "
He studied my reaction, then leaned down and pulled me back to my feet. Every part of my body pressed against him when I was standing again. After so many months apart, it made me ache to touch him again, to be with him, to think about making love to him. I knew that it was a weird thing to feel when he was so angry at me, but I couldn't help feeling it. His hand firmly holding my backside didn't help either. I was nearly panting at him as he stared down at me.
"Don't lie to me, Kiera," he slowly enunciated, his lips coming down to hover right in front of mine.
My heart racing, I shook my head. "I'm not, Kellan. . . I swear. I never touched him like that. I gave him a hug because he was sad, because his girlfriend got stuck back in Australia, but there's never been more than friendship between us while you've been gone. . . I promise. "
I leaned towards him while I spoke, my body unconsciously pressing into his. My hands drifted to his chest and I could feel his heart racing too. He lowered his head to mine. "Kiera. . . don't, don't lie to me. . . please. "
I groaned as his other hand shifted to my waist, his fingers on my bottom squeezing. "I'm not, Kellan. . . " My fingers heading up to thread in his hair, I whimpered into his parted lips. "Please. . . believe me. . . "
His lips parted more as he breathed on me. His hand slowly slid up my chest and he closed his eyes and groaned when his palm ran over my breast. I hissed in a breath, clutching him tight. "Kellan, please. . . take me. . . "
He groaned, crashing his lips the short distance down to mine. I moaned between our mouths as his tongue slid into mine, possessively claiming me. I loved it, and tightened my fingers in his hair. His hands shifted to grab my thighs, lifting me up to carry me. I clenched my legs around his waist. Our breaths frantic, our mouths furious, he turned us around and started walking us to my room.
I couldn't care about anything but feeling more of the hardness that was pressed against my abdomen. I tried to rub against it while we walked, and Kellan whimpered, leaning against the wall as he stumbled in his step. "God, I want you so bad. . . "
I mumbled something back that was along the same lines, then found his mouth again. I'd missed his mouth for weeks, I couldn't miss another second.
He set me down and slammed my bedroom door in almost one movement. Then our frantic kissing shifted to frantic stripping. I ripped his jacket off, he ripped my shirt off. My bra was practically torn in half as he jerked it off of me, his mouth instantly suckling. It sent a jolt straight through me and I cried out, fiddling with my pants. Pausing, he jerked those off, then worked on the rest of his clothes.
I was drenched with need by the time he was pushing me onto the bed. Our mouths still attacking each other, he moved over the top of me. Breathing heavy, he paused his body against my entrance. Writhing beneath him, I cried out for him to do it, for him to take me. Gritting his jaw, he plunged into me, taking me hard, like he really did want to claim me.
Pushing hard and fast against each other, we were both climaxing in no time. Legs clamped tight against him, I shook as the explosion hit me. He shook as his body poured into mine. Slightly sweaty, we rode out the intensity, moaning after each level passed through us.
When it was over, he sagged against me. I panted, my hand covering my eyes as I recovered. Slowly pulling out, he shifted to my side. "I'm sorry, that's not how I wanted our first time after so long to be. . . "
I twisted to look at him as he moved to his back and stared at the ceiling. After a long moment of silence, I asked, "Do you believe me? About Denny?"
He sniffed, and didn't look at me. But then sighing, he finally looked down and met my eye. "Yeah, I believe you. " He didn't look happy at believing me, but at least he believed me. I nodded, then leaned over to kiss him.
We lightly kissed and when I broke away, I whispered, "I'm glad you're here. I've missed you. . . "
He smiled, warmth in it for the first time since his surprise appearance. "I've missed you, too. . . if you couldn't tell. " He laughed a little and indicated his naked body with his hand.
I bit my lip as I examined the expanse of flesh before me, then gave him another quick kiss. I'm gonna brush my teeth and get ready for bed. I'll be right back. " I sat up, then looked back at him. "You won't leave, right?"
He shook his head. "I'll be here, Kiera. "
I smiled, quickly stood and rummaged through my drawer to pull on pajamas, then dashed out of the room. I felt Kellan's eyes on me as I left the room. Feeling dazed, nervous, euphoric and guilty, I hurried to finish up in the bathroom.
After brushing my teeth, I leaned against the counter and took a long, calming breath. That had been too close to being something awful. And even though Kellan had said he was fine with it, that he believed me, he didn't really seem that way. He seemed. . . hurt. And I'd never wanted to hurt him again. That promise had even been one of my New Year's resolutions.
But I'd done it. By not telling him the truth from the beginning, by concealing a fact that I knew would bother him, I'd hurt him again. And just when I was starting to believe I didn't suck.
Closing my eyes, I pushed out the vision of his face when he'd caught me. He'd been so mad. . . And even though he'd said he was surprised, he hadn't really looked surprised, like he knew I'd cheat on him, eventually.
My eyes popped back open when I heard a door slam. My head snapped around when I registered that it was my bedroom door that had been viciously shut. Throwing open the bathroom door, I stepped out into the hall. Kellan's back met my vision as he walked. . . no, stormed away from me.
"Kellan? What are you doing?"
He ignored me. The only reaction he gave that he'd even heard me was his hands at his sides squeezing into fists. Completely dressed again, he headed to my bag and started rummaging inside it. Pulling his hand out, I saw the flash of his car keys in them. Shoving the keys in his jacket pocket, he started heading for the front door. He was leaving? The very thought got my feet moving and I scampered down the hallway.
I managed to get to the door first, standing in front of it so he couldn't escape me, not without an explanation. "Are you leaving?"
He stood in front of me, staring right through me as his jaw tightened. I think if I'd been anyone else, he'd have grabbed me and thrown me to the floor, physically removing me from his path. His eyes were narrow, his breath heavy. He was pissed. . . again.
Leaning back into the door, I shook my head at his complete lack of a response to my question. "Why? Because of Denny? I already told you nothing-"
His eyes snapped up to mine, cutting me off as effectively as shouting. In a tight, cold voice, he sneered, "Nothing? You must think I'm an idiot. " Narrowing his eyes even more, he shook his head. "I may not be as 'brilliant' as Denny, but I'm not stupid, Kiera. "
He put his hand on my arm and harshly tugged me. "Now, get out of my way!"
I resisted his pull and shook my head again. "Not until you talk to me. Why are you so pissed?"
His mouth dropped open and he took a step back. "Are you fucking kidding me?" Frustrated, he took another step back, bringing his hands up to run them through his hair.
Feeling confident that maybe he'd yell at me instead of just making a run for it, I slightly moved away from the door. "Okay, I should have told you about Denny, I know that, but we didn't do anything!"
Kellan closed his eyes, his body shaking a little as pure anger flooded through him. Keeping them rigidly squeezed tight, he slowly said, "I need to get away from you. Please move, so I don't do something really stupid. "
Then I did something really stupid. I grabbed his face, making him look at me. Touching him forced him over what slim edge he had been holding on his control. He knocked my hands away and pushed my shoulders back, until I bumped into the door. Seething, he attempted to dial down his temper as he stared at me.
Ignoring that his fingers were digging into my arms, I shook my head. "No, talk to me!"
Clamping his jaw shut, he shook his head and took a step back. That brought my temper to the surface. He was hiding something from me. He was keeping secrets from me. How dare he get mad at me for not mentioning Denny, when he was outright lying to me! At least my secret hadn't involved cheating. Kellan's, I was sure, did.
Anger bursting to life in my chest, I shoved his body away from me. "You son of a bitch! No, you don't get to run away from me. You're always trying to run away from me!" I shoved his chest again and he took a step back. "But not this time. This time. . . you will talk to me! We talk things out, remember?"
He batted my hands away and successfully grabbed the doorknob behind me. Twisting it, he managed to partly open it. With my shoulder, I body slammed the door closed. Glaring at me, he left his hand on the knob. "I've got nothing to say to you. Get out of my way!"
Anger and hurt mixed in my heart, turning into tears in my eyes, clouding my vision. I sniffed them back, refusing to cry. "Nothing to say? After everything you've done to me?"
His eyes widened in disbelief. God, he was such a good actor. "Me? What I've done to you?" His face hardening back up, he stepped into my body. "You're fucking your ex and I'm the bad guy? Is that how you want to play this, Kiera?"
I shoved him away from me, hard. His hand dislodged from the doorknob and I moved to stand in front of it. My own hands clenched into fists now, I shook my head. "I. . . am. . . not. . . sleeping with Denny! And yes, you-"
Just as I was about to accuse him of everything I feared, he reached down and pulled me away from the door. Arms looped around my waist, he twisted his body and plopped me down on the other side of him. Once free of me, he opened the door again.
Seeing that he really was going to leave, I grabbed his arm with both of mine and tugged with everything I had. His head snapped back to mine, his eyes enraged. "Let me go, Kiera. I'm done. I don't want to be here anymore. "
Feeling those tears heavier than before, moments from falling, I snapped, "You weren't done with me ten minutes ago, when you were screwing my brains out!"
A moment of pain flashed over his face and his own eyes moistened. "That. . . was a mistake. "
I swallowed repeatedly, not believing this was really happening. "You said you believed me," I whispered.
Sniffing, he shook his head. "And you said you wouldn't lie to me. Goodbye, Kiera. "
I was so startled at hearing him say those words, I dropped his arm. The tears I couldn't hold back anymore splashing on my cheeks, I whispered, "You said there weren't any goodbyes between us. . . "
Closing his eyes, he dropped his head. When he lifted it back up, a tear rolled down his cheek. "I said a lot of things that weren't true. . . "
Ice twisting my stomach, making my breathing shallow, I heard myself ask a question that I hadn't given my body permission to ask. "Are you breaking up with me?"
Tilting his head, his glistening eyes searched over my face. Another tear rolled down his skin and I wanted to wipe it away. I wanted to hold his head to me and tell him that he didn't have to be angry, that nothing had happened with Denny, that I'd been faithful to him. . . that I loved him, more than anything. I couldn't though. I couldn't move.
His eyes drifted down my body then snapped back up to mine. He inhaled deep, then whispered, "Yes, I am. "
I heard the sob escape me, even though I hadn't given myself permission for that either. Kellan immediately turned from my grief and disappeared through the front door. As wracking sobs went through me, I stood, frozen in place. Then I heard the roar of his car starting in the distance and sunk to my knees, burying my face in my hands.
That didn't just happen, did it? He didn't just come home unexpectedly, make love to me, then dump me. . . did he? As the sound of his car got fainter and fainter, the sounds of my tears got louder and louder. Oh God. . . yes, that did just happen.
I'd lost him. . . I'd finally lost him.