"Claire. Princess Fidget's advisor. She asked me to tell you that she is 'so totally tired of waiting around' that I could 'gag her with a spoon.'"
Elliot smiled. "So did you?"
"What?"
"Gag her with a spoon?"
Claire shook her head. "There's a pretty strict no-gagging-the-princess-with-a-spoon rule here. Even when she deserves it."
Elliot glanced behind him where Tubs was sleeping peacefully, his thumb in his mouth.
"What'd you do to him?" Elliot asked.
"Nothing," Claire said. "He just got tired of waiting too. He said his brain hurt from trying to figure everything out." Claire used a tiny hand to push some hair off her forehead, revealing a thin streak of white hair underneath the rest.
"You don't talk like the princess," Elliot said, eyeing the Pixie suspiciously.
"I bet you think all Pixies talk the same," Claire said. "Wanna bet they don't?"
Elliot stared carefully at Claire. "Harold, is that you?"
Harold the Pixie looked around to be sure nobody else was there and then flew in closer to Elliot. "I don't have long, but I wanted to come see you. Because if you really think about it, this could be a little bit my fault."
"A little bit?"
"Okay, a lot. I feel guilty. But I'll try to help you now."
Elliot pushed at the tree root bars of the jail. "Can you get me out of here?"
"I can imitate the Pixie look, but not their magic. Elliot, you have to release Grissel."
"Why does Fidget want Grissel released anyway? Are they friends?"
"As Fidget would say, 'That's so grody.' No, you've heard of the Totally Tubular Turf War, right?"
Elliot shook his head.
Harold folded his short Pixie arms. "I don't mean to lecture, because I'll only sound like my mother, but if you're going to be king of the Brownies, you should at least take ten minutes to learn about the Underworld."
"Sorry," Elliot said. "I've been busy with this science fair project."
Claire--or Harold--continued. "Ever since creatures entered the Underworld, Fairies and Pixies have battled over the land known as the Glimmering Forest. Woodland is hard to find down here, and this is the best in all the Underworld. Streams and rivers flow from beautiful waterfalls. Flowers of every color and variety grow wild. And the trees live forever in the Glimmering Forest."
"Sounds nice," Elliot said.
"Nice? That's like saying turnip juice is only pretty good. The Fairies want Glimmering Forest, and the Pixies want it too, but neither of them will share the land. Grissel promised Fidget that if she gets him free from Brownie prison, he'll blow up all the Fairy settlements that border the Glimmering Forest. Then the Pixies think they can take the rest of the forest for themselves."
"I can't help Fidget get a bunch of Fairies hurt. Do her parents know about this?"
"The king and queen of the Pixies are on vacation. They told Fidget if she solved the Fairy problem before they came back, they'd let her take surfing lessons."
"Mr. Willimaker says that if I don't release Grissel, the Pixies will kill me," Elliot said.
"Probably." Harold fluttered down on a rock and rested his head on his hands. "I love flying, but it's tiring."
"Can we get back to fixing my problem?" Elliot asked.
"Huh? Oh, I can't fix your problem. I'm a Shapeshifter, not a miracle maker. But I can do one thing for you. It'll be morning soon at your house. Until you get this all worked out, I'll go to the surface and pretend to be you."
"No thanks," Elliot said.
"It'll be fine," Harold said. "I've imitated humans plenty of times before. No one will even notice a difference."
"Don't," Elliot said.
"You'd rather your mom wakes up and finds you missing?"
"My family might not care. I wasn't very nice to them before I left."
Harold grabbed a root to get closer to Elliot in his jail. "You want the whole town of Sprite's Hollow out looking for you, your picture in the paper? All that homework you'd miss?"
Elliot sighed. "Okay, fine. But you can't change things or do anything different from what I would do. Just stay in my room as much as you can, and don't talk to anyone unless you have to."
"No problem," Harold said.
Elliot gestured at Tubs, who was still sleeping. "What about him?"
Harold shrugged. "I already put his clothes over a bucket and mop in the corner of your kitchen. So far nobody's noticed that it's not him. Just do what the Pixies want, and you'll both be home soon."
With that, Harold snapped his fingers and poofed away. Tubs was taking up the entire space on the ground of their cell, so there was no room to sit. Elliot leaned against the wall at the edge of the jail and closed his eyes to think. He didn't know what worried him most--that the Pixies were going to kill him, or that Harold the Shapeshifter was going to take his place at home.
Dear Reader, in this chapter, you're going to hear about Elliot's next visitor to his jail. You may wonder if his next visitor is Diffle McSnug, who has recently returned from an exciting trip to the Far East, where his hot air balloon became tangled in a flock of migrating geese. Of course, as you should well know, there is no character in this book named Diffle McSnug. Don't you think Elliot would be confused if a character who doesn't exist in this book suddenly showed up at his Pixie prison with a story about hot air balloons and migrating geese? It's too bad Diffle's not a character, though. You would bite off your fingernails with fright hearing how Diffle fell to the earth after the angry geese chewed through the ropes of his basket. And you'd be shocked to know the amazing way he survived. You wouldn't believe it, even if you heard the story.
Which of course, you won't, because this is Elliot's story. Diffle needs to get his own book.
Elliot only had to wait about twenty minutes before his next visitor (not Diffle McSnug) poofed in to see him.
Mr. Willimaker's daughter, Patches, ran forward, trying to hug Elliot through the thick tree root bars of his prison. This really meant that she hugged the bars more than she hugged Elliot, but, Dear Reader, you should not take this to mean that Patches loved the prison more than she loved Elliot. She just couldn't reach him, that's all.
Elliot had saved Patches from the Goblins twice. In her opinion, that made Elliot at least as cool as her great-great grandfather Willimaker, who had fought in the Demon wars a thousand years ago.
"Here," she said, pushing a wrapped-up bundle to Elliot.
"What's this?" he asked.
"Food. Carrots and beets and some turnip juice. And a couple of pickles."
Elliot already knew about the pickles. Pickle juice was leaking from the bundle onto his brother Reed's slippers, which were pretty much ruined by now.
"Thanks," Elliot said, although ever since he'd learned the Pixies planned to kill him, he hadn't felt very hungry, not even for pickles. He set the bundle on the ground for when Tubs woke up. Tubs would be hungry no matter who wanted to kill him. Elliot had once seen Tubs so hungry at the Quack Shack that he ate his entire duck burger without taking the paper wrapping off it first. And rumor had it that Tubs had once buttered his lunch tray at school. He'd broken off a tooth trying to take a bite from it.
"Nice clothes," Patches said with a giggle.
Elliot glanced down at his checkered pajamas. "I didn't have time to change into clothes before we were kidnapped."
"Pixie led."
"Huh?"
"You were Pixie led, not kidnapped exactly. Did you see a mist last night?"
"Yeah."
"That was the Pixies leading you to their snare."
Elliot folded his arms. "Tubs was Pixie led. I was Tubs led."
Patches frowned. "Humans know how to escape being Pixie led, right?"
Obviously, Elliot didn't know. "How?" he asked.
"Just turn your clothes inside out. It confuses them."
"I wasn't going to turn my clothes inside out in front of a bunch of Pixie girls," Elliot said.
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"Don't worry. Princess Fidget would've gotten you here one way or another," Patches said, as if that should have made him feel better. "She always gets what she wants. What we must do now is figure out how to fix this."
"Do you think I should release Grissel?" Elliot asked.
"No!" Patches said. "Before long, he'd get the Goblins to start eating us again."
Which, Elliot agreed, would be bad. No matter what, releasing Grissel was not an option. "Any advice?" he asked.
Patches shrugged. "I don't know about them, but in school my teacher told us that hundreds of years ago, if two Pixies couldn't settle an argument, they took a 'time-out.' The winner won the argument, and it was done."
"Time-out," Elliot mumbled. "I know about those. So I guess to win, I just have to stay in time-out the longest?"
At just that moment, Mr. Willimaker appeared. His bushy gray eyebrows were pressed close together, telling Elliot he had not made any progress with Grissel. Princess Fidget poofed in immediately after. On either side of her were two larger Pixies with sour looks on their faces.
"Like, get rid of the Brownie king first," Fidget said to the Pixies with her. "Mind wipe the other boy if you can, and totally return him to the surface. If you can't, then get rid of him too."
The Pixies pulled out their wands and pointed them at Elliot, who backed up and stumbled over Tubs on the ground. He said, "Wait! Princess Fidget, I demand a time-out."
Her eyes narrowed. "A time-out?"
"Yeah. Me and Grissel together. If I win, you set me free. If he wins, I'll set him free."
"No, Your Highness," Mr. Willimaker cried, but it was too late.
Stretching her hand to study her nails, Fidget said, "Under the terms of a time-out, if you lose, Grissel goes free. And if he decides to leave you alive, which he probably won't, then you must remain here as my servant for, like, forever."
Elliot glared at Patches. She might have mentioned that. Still, it was better than being killed in here. "Okay," Elliot said. "I want a time-out."
Fidget clasped her tiny hands together. "What-ever. I'll prepare the battle zone. If you somehow survive the time-out with Grissel, which you probably won't, I'll totally have you for a servant, human."
"It looks like the rules are in Grissel's favor," Elliot said.
"Nobody ever said time-outs were fair," Fidget said, and then with a mischievous shrug added, "especially when I get to make the rules!"
When she poofed away, Elliot rushed to the bars. "Mr. Willimaker, what happens in a time-out?"
"It's a fight. When the time runs out, someone's usually dead. Isn't that what time-out means in your language?"
"No," Elliot said, slumping to the ground. "No, it isn't."
Elliot's twin brothers had spent most of their first six years of life either in time-out or doing something that deserved a time-out. Elliot had done his share of time-outs too. Something told him, however, that this time-out would be very different from sitting alone on a stool in the corner.
For one thing, no one had ever tried to kill him in time-out before, and Elliot's parents were very strict about not letting Elliot kill anyone, whether in time-out or not.
For another thing, time-outs were usually done alone, and Elliot was pretty sure every Pixie, Brownie, and Goblin in the Underworld had gathered around the Battle Zone to watch.
The Battle Zone was about as big as Elliot's schoolroom, but it was round and fenced in with thorny tree branches and had a dirt floor. Elliot had removed Reed's slippers for the fight. He'd never seen anyone win a battle to the death while wearing house slippers. He'd never seen anyone win a battle in red-checkered pajamas either, but he couldn't do anything about that.
Directly across from Elliot, Grissel paced in preparation for the fight. He hadn't changed much since Elliot had last seen him. A little rounder around the middle, maybe, due to his eating a lot of chocolate cake lately. But still the same shade of green skin, same bony face, same hatred of humans reflected in his eyes. He'd barely looked at Elliot since he was poofed here, but he was already drooling, hungry for revenge. The Goblins cheered loudly for him. The Brownies sat behind Elliot, cheering for him. The Pixies seemed to be cheering for a long battle, no matter who won. Then from somewhere nearby, Elliot heard, "You can take this one, Penster. Win it for the humans!"
Elliot turned. Even Tubs was cheering for him. Then Tubs yelled, "Besides, if you die, how will I get home?"
That was less helpful. Although just before Elliot was poofed to the Battle Zone, Tubs had given him some good advice: "If you can't beat him, just move around a lot until he gets tired of chasing you. I always hated it when you did that to me."
"Grissel doesn't need to chase me. Goblins scare you to death."
"But that only works if you're scared, right? Just think funny things and you'll be fine."
"Wow, Tubs," Elliot had said. "That's actually a good idea."
Tubs had stuck out his chest. "I'm smarter than all the kids in the whole first grade."
"But you're a seventh-grader."
"Duh." Tubs snorted. "I didn't say I was in their grade, I just said I'm smarter than them. And it is a good idea, so use it or else!"
Now Elliot waved at Tubs, who shook a fist back at him. Threatening to beat Elliot up if he didn't win was Tubs's style of cheering him on.
Fidget fluttered in from above them and landed in the center of the Battle Zone. For the time-out, she had chosen a bright yellow shirt with a hot pink skirt. She looked like she was dressed for a disco party. "Like, welcome to all Pixies, Goblins, and everyone else," she began, clearly forgetting that other than Tubs, "everyone else" was the Brownies. "We are so blown away by having a time-out today, which has totally not happened for over a hundred years."
A cheer rose from the Pixies. Not sure whether they should be celebrating this or not, the Goblins clapped a little, then lowered their hands when Grissel turned to glare at them. The Brownies remained silent.
Fidget continued, "So here are the rules. The time-out will last for ten minutes, because the awesomest stylist ever is coming to do my hair. If Grissel kills Elliot faster than that, it would be so radical, because then I'll have time to get my nails done too. If Elliot's still alive after the ten-minute time-out, he'll totally be my servant. Either way, Grissel goes free, and then he keeps his promise to me, and we'll, like, totally blow the Fairies to dust!" She forgot to mention what happened if Elliot survived. Maybe she didn't think there was any chance he would.
Both the Pixies and Goblins cheered loudly. The Brownies squirmed in their seats. Even they didn't expect Elliot to win.
"Happy thoughts, happy thoughts," Elliot mumbled. But his brain was in a fuzz. For some reason, all he could remember was the awful theme song to Fidget's favorite show, Surfer Teen.
Surfer Teen,
Awesomest kid on the scene.
Rockin' muscles lean and mean.
You're Surfer Teen.
"Like, when I say 'Time in,' then the battle begins," Fidget said.
"Happy thoughts," Elliot mumbled to the tune from Surfer Teen.
"Time in!" Fidget sliced her wand through the air, and sparks shot out from the end of it. The crowd cheered as she flew away and the battle began.
Grissel ran toward Elliot, but stopped in the center of the ring where Fidget had stood. With a low growl, he crouched on all fours. Elliot knew what was happening. He was preparing to scare Elliot to death.
Rockin' muscles lean and mean.
Grissel's bony skin began to bubble in rhythm.
Oddly, he bubbled to the rhythm of the lyrics stuck in Elliot's head.
Elliot started singing them: "You're Surfer Teen..."
As he sang, Elliot pictured Grissel as a surfer teen. Grissel on all fours on a surfboard. But Goblins hate water, so he'd have to balance on the surfboard so that no water splashed on him.
Maybe just because he was so tired, that the pictures he imagined seemed really funny. Funnier than Grissel was
scary, and Elliot was laughing hard before he even finished the lyrics.
Grissel growled at Elliot, arching his back even higher. It should have been scary, but for some reason it wasn't. Maybe Elliot was laughing too hard to be scared. Now he was picturing Grissel wearing a swimsuit with tropical flowers. And sunglasses--he'd have to wear sunglasses! Pink ones that matched his swimsuit. If a green-skinned Goblin gets a suntan, does he turn olive green? What color is a sunburn? Mud color?
Tears came to Elliot's eyes as he laughed. His stomach ached from laughter.
"Nobody laughs at me," Grissel said, rising up to his full height. He lunged at Elliot with bare teeth. Elliot used the only weapon he had available to him. Spit. He spit on Grissel while Grissel was still in midair. The spit landed in Grissel's eye, and he fell to the ground, screaming and writhing in pain.
"Oh, that's so totally time out," Fidget said, fluttering into the ring from above. She stared down at Grissel, who was still helpless on the ground. "This is, like, such a bummer."
Elliot jumped into the air in celebration. So Grissel had not killed him, and the time-out was over. "That's it?" he said. "Then I won."
"Wrong," Grissel said. "I scared you to death. You're just slow at dying."
Elliot folded his arms. "Am not. I'll bet I could die really fast if you were any good at scaring me."
"I've been scary longer than you've been alive," Grissel said. "Just admit you've lost and die already, then I'll go free."
"Like, that's totally enough." Fidget flicked her wand at the crowd. "All of you just go away."
And with that, the entire audience disappeared. Elliot wasn't sure where they'd all gone. Somewhere safe, he hoped.
Grissel smiled wickedly at Elliot. "Now it's just you and me, little king."
But Fidget flew between them. "You had your chance, Goblin. You're so yesterday, and I'm already on tomorrow. Back you go to the Brownie jail."
Grissel's protest was only half spoken when Fidget poofed him away with her wand.
Elliot held up his hands, the way bad guys do when the cops say to freeze. Fidget sighed. "Don't be so lame, human. If I wanted to kill you, I'd have just done it already."
"You're letting me go home?"
"Hello?" Fidget rapped Elliot's head with her wand, then she pointed it at the Glimmering Forest. "Does it look like we've beaten the Fairies? You're not going home yet."