CHAPTER XIX.
"High minds of native pride and force Most deeply feel thy pangs, remorse! Fear of their scourge mean villains have; Thou art the torture of the brave." --Scott.
Max sat before his writing-table, his folded arms upon it, and his facehidden upon them. He was in sore distress of mind. How he had fallenbefore temptation! into what depths of disgrace and sin! sin that in oldentimes would have been punished with death, even as the horrible crime ofmurder, and that must still be as hateful as ever in the sight of anunchangeable God.
And not only that sin, of which he had thought he had so truly and deeplyrepented, but another which he had always been taught was a very low anddegrading vice. Oh, could there be forgiveness for him?
And how would his dear honored father feel when the sad story should reachhis ears? would it indeed break his heart as Grandpa Dinsmore had said?The boy's own heart was overwhelmed with grief, dismay, and remorse as heasked himself these torturing questions.
The door opened, but so softly that the sound was lost in his bittersobbing, then a hand rested lightly, tenderly upon his bowed head, and agentle, pitying voice said, "My poor, dear boy, my heart bleeds for you."
"O Grandma Elsie!" he burst out, "can you say that to such a wicked fellowas I am?"
"Did not Jesus weep with compassion over the sinners of Jerusalem, many ofwhom were even then plotting His death? And, Maxie, He pities you in yourfallen estate, and is ready to forgive you the moment you turn to Him withgrief and hatred of your sin and an earnest desire to forsake it, and togive yourself to His service."
"Oh, I do, I do hate it!" he cried out with vehemence. "I didn't mean everto swear any more, and I feel as if I'd rather cut off my right hand thanto do it again! But oh, how can I ask Him to forgive me, when He did once,and I've gone and done the same wicked thing again, just as if I hadn'tbeen really sorry at all, though I was sure I was! Grandma Elsie, whatshall I do?"
"'Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts;let him return unto the Lord, and He will have mercy upon him, and to ourGod, for He will abundantly pardon.'
"'He is the Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering andabundant in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgivinginiquity and transgression and sin.'
"'His name is Jesus, for He shall save His people from their sins.' Hesays, 'Him that cometh unto me, I will in no wise cast out.' 'O Israel,thou hast destroyed thyself; but in me is thine help.'
"'Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; thoughthey be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.'
"'I, even I, am He that blotteth out thy transgressions for my own sake,and will not remember thy sins.'"
"Oh, He is very good to say that!" sobbed the penitent boy. "But won't youask Him to forgive me, Grandma Elsie?"
"Yes, Max, but you must pray, too, for yourself; confess your sins to Him,and ask Him to blot them out and remember them no more against you,because Jesus has suffered their penalty in your stead. Shall we kneeldown now and ask Him?"
She stayed with him some time longer, talking in tender, motherly fashion;not extenuating his guilt, but speaking of the blood that cleanseth fromall sin, the love and tender compassion of Jesus, His willingness andability to save them to the uttermost that come unto God by Him.
Warning him, too, of the danger from evil associates and from indulgencein the vice of gambling.
Then she told him he was not too young to begin to lead a Christian life,and urged him to do so without a moment's delay.
"I think I do want to be a Christian, Grandma Elsie," he said, "if I onlyknew just how."
"It is to leave the service of Satan for that of the Lord Jesus Christ,"she said. "It is to give yourself body and soul, at once and forever, toJesus, trusting in Him alone for salvation from sin and eternal death.
"'Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved,' 'Look untome and be ye saved, all the ends of the earth.'
"Just take the first step, and He will help you on all the way, one stepat a time, till you reach the gates of the celestial city. 'This God isour God forever and ever, He will be our guide even unto death.'
"Just speak to the Lord Jesus, dear Max, as if you could see Him standingbefore you while you knelt at His feet; say to Him as the leper did,'Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean.' Tell Him how full you areof the dreadful leprosy of sin, how unable to heal yourself, and beseechHim to do the work for you, to wash you and make you clean and cover youwith the robe of His righteousness; give yourself to Him, asking Him toaccept the worthless gift and make you entirely and forever His own."
She rose to leave him.
"Oh, do stay a little longer!" he pleaded, clinging to her hand. "Tell me,do you think Mamma Vi will ever love me any more? that she will ever kissme again?" he sobbed.
"I am sure she will, Max," Elsie answered in moved tones; "she has notceased to love you, and I think will come and speak a word to you now, ifyou wish it."
"Oh, so much! only--only I'm dreadfully ashamed to look her in the face.And--O Grandma Elsie, do you think it will break my father's heart when hehears it all?"
"It will make him very sad indeed, I have no doubt, Max," she answered,gently, "but if he hears, too, that you have truly repented and given yourheart to God, he cannot fail to be greatly comforted. Tell him the wholetruth, my dear boy, don't try to conceal anything from him."
"It's what I mean to do, Grandma Elsie," he said with a heavy sigh,"though I'd rather take the worst kind of a flogging. And that's what I'dget if he was here, for he told me so."
"I am very glad you love your father so well, Max, and that your sorrow ismore for grieving him, and especially for having dishonored and displeasedGod, than for the unpleasant consequences to yourself; it gives me greathope that you will never be guilty of such conduct again.
"Now, I shall go and send your mamma to you; she is in her own rooms, forshe has been too much distressed over her dear boy's sad fall to join theothers at the table or in the drawing-room. She loves you very dearly,Max."
"It's very good of her," he said in trembling tones, "and oh, I'm ever sosorry to have grieved her so!"
Violet was greatly comforted by her mother's report of her interview withMax, because both saw in his conduct and words the evidence of sincererepentance toward God, giving them strong hope of his future avoidance ofthe sins of profanity and gambling.
She went to him presently, put her arms about him, kissed him, wept withhim, and like her mother pointed him to the Saviour, telling of Hiswillingness to forgive every truly penitent soul.
"O Mamma Vi," he sobbed, "I thought I was that before, when papa showed mewhat an awful sin swearing was, and I didn't think I could ever do itagain; but I got dreadfully angry with Ralph because he cheated me out ofeverything--all my money and my watch that I've always thought so much of,you know--and the wicked words slipped out before I knew it; they justseemed to speak themselves."
"Ah, dear Max, that is one of the dreadful consequences of allowingourselves to fall into such wicked ways; it is the power of habit whichgrows upon us till we are bound by it as with an iron chain.
"The Bible says, 'His own iniquities shall take the wicked himself, and heshall be holden with the cords of his sins.' So the longer any one livesin sin, the harder it is for him to break away from it--to repent and beconverted and saved. Therefore, I beseech you to come to Jesus now; God'stime is always now."
"Mamma Vi, I think I have," he said low and humbly; "I tried to do it withmy heart, when Grandma Elsie was praying for me."
"O Max, dear Max, I am very glad!" she returned with tears of joy in hereyes. "And your father will rejoice almost as the angels do in heaven whena sinner repents and is saved."
"It's a dreadful task to have to write down all about this afternoon forhim to read," sighed the boy.
"But you will do it, Max? will you tell him the whole truth like a bravebo
y?" queried Violet anxiously.
"Yes, ma'am, I will. Oh, I wish he were here! so I could just tell him,and have it all over in a few minutes. But now it will be so long thatI'll have to wait to hear what he has to say about it."
Violet expressed her sympathy, joining very heartily in his wish for hisfather's presence, then left him to his task.
"Seems to me it's a little like marching up to the cannon's mouth," Maxsaid to himself, as he took out his writing materials and dipped his penin the ink, "but it's got to be done, and I'll have it over."
He cogitated a moment, then began. "Dear papa, I've been doing very wrongfor 'most a week--letting a fellow teach me to play cards and gamble; wedidn't play for money or anything but fun at first, but afterward we did;and I lost all the money I had, and, worse still, the nice watch you sentme.
"But the very worst is to come. You would never believe I could be soterribly wicked after all you said to me, and I wouldn't have believed itmyself, and oh, I don't like to tell you, for I'm afraid it will almostbreak your heart, papa, to know you have such a wicked boy for your onlyson!
"But I have to tell you, because you know you said I must tell youeverything bad I did.
"Well, I was sure the fellow had cheated, and I got very mad, and calledhim a cheat and a thief. Then he got mad and swore horrible oaths at me,and called me a liar, and that made me madder than ever, and--O papa, howcan I write it for you to see? I swore at him."
The boy's tears were dropping upon the paper. He dashed them hastily away,and went on writing.
"I am dreadfully, dreadfully sorry, papa! I think I was never so sorry foranything in all my life, because--because it was so wicked and ungratefulto God. I've asked Him to forgive me for Jesus' sake, and Grandma Elsiehas asked Him for me, too, and Mamma Vi told me she had been praying forme. And I've tried to give myself to the dear Saviour, and I hope I'll beHis servant all the rest of my life.
"I think He has forgiven me, and will you forgive me, too, papa? I'm tostay alone here in my room for a week. Mamma Vi says you said that was theway I should be punished, if I ever did that wicked thing again, and itisn't a bit worse than I deserve."