control of himself again.
Tom had noticed Will's hesitancy, but misunderstanding it, had laid in some more.
"What's the matter? You want some more or not? Come on and take it like a man! Unless you like to take it like a girl!"
Will had slugged him. Hard.
He realized what he had done only the moment after his punch connected, and a very shocked Tom went falling on his back, a little bit of blood in his mouth.
"What the HELL...?" Tom had said angrily.
Oh crap shouldn't have done that shouldn't have done that
Tom leapt up and a punch of his own connected with Will's face. Will just sat there stunned and looked at Tom. Tom's eyes were anger (hate) filled.
Will wanted to cry. Instead he got up and headed for their room.
"Lay off me!" he had said.
"Lay off YOU? YOU'RE the one who got so competitive you punched me hard in the face! HEY!" Tom had yelled.
"DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME!" Will had yelled as he entered their room and slammed the door hard.
"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, MAN? WHAT'S BEEN UP WITH YOU TODAY?" his brother had yelled.
Will didn’t answer. He’d jumped onto his bed and laid on his side. He didn't move. He didn't cry. He was feeling so much hurt on the inside he couldn't process anything. Tom didn't come in the room after him or hardly acknowledge him for the rest of the day.
Will had laid on the bed until their mom had gotten home and fixed dinner.
The dinner table was more awkwardly silent than usual. Mom hadn't realized both he and Tom had bruises on their faces until they were all sitting together. She was a little livid over the fact that they had gotten into a fight where they had bruised each other, but she couldn't get either of them to tell her what it was all about.
Tom couldn't tell her because he honestly didn't have a clue. And Will couldn't say because... well, he just couldn't say. Mom had told them they had until tomorrow evening to sort out their differences or they were both grounded.
Will felt his brothers' eyes on him the entire meal. Will couldn't look him in the face.
Tom didn't speak to him the rest of the night. Tom had spent the rest of the night playing his game by himself, and Will had spent it on his laptop.
When 10' o clock came, they both climbed into their beds without a single word to each other. Tom drifted off within minutes. Will couldn't. He was still too upset.
Will couldn't explain to Tom why he did what he did. Ever.
Not after what Tom said.
"Bring it on, faggot!"
It was an insult. A playful insult, but an insult nevertheless. It was meant to imply that being gay somehow meant that Will was less than human. At least, that was the way he felt.
"What's the matter? You want some more or not? Come on and take it like a man. Unless you like to take it like a girl!"
He couldn't explain how Tom's words, playful though they had been, had brought on such sudden indescribable emotional pain.
It was at that moment that Will's real identity shown through. At least in his subconscious, he confessed to himself in that moment who he really was. And he hurt.
Tom's epithet was not merely just a humorous insult. It was an attack on his identity, rejection of him for being who he was.
Will looked at himself in the mirror and started to laugh. It was not the laugh of humor.
His laughs were as silent as he could possibly make them, as he didn't want to wake anybody.
"I'm gay." he whispered to himself in the mirror, and laughed some more.
So, that was it, was it? The jig was up? He had finally confessed it to himself?
His mind still didn't want to believe it. But his subconscious was telling him otherwise.
He found himself slowly collapsing to the ground again. He curled up into a ball in the fetal position.
"I'm gay." he whispered again to himself.
Yeah... that's why it hurts so bad. So much.
Will didn't want to be gay. He wanted to be normal. He wanted to fit in. Now, because of this, he would be an outcast. If people knew, if anybody ever figured him out, he would be constantly made fun of and ridiculed.
He already had to put up with some bullying because he was a total nerd. He could only imagine what he would have to go through once his true sexual identity became known.
And Tom...
Tom has already rejected me.
Technically he actually hadn't yet. But he would.
He imagined confessing his secret to Tom. He imagined the disgusted look Tom would surely get on his face. His and Tom's relationship would be torn apart. Tom probably wouldn't even want to sleep in the same room with him anymore. Not that they had much of a choice in the tiny house they lived in ever since their parents had gotten a divorce.
And then the ridicule wouldn't just end at school. He could only imagine the torrent of insults he would have to put up with at home from Tom.
He had already done it. He had already shown EXACTLY what he thought of gays. Will didn't think he could handle being hated by his brother.
As much of an ass as Tom could be sometimes, he was the closest thing in the world to Will. Being hated by Tom would be unbearable.
Will closed his eyes. The scene with Jake returned.
Will found himself longing now for it to NOT be a fantasy, but a reality. He wanted to go to school tomorrow, find Jake the very first thing, apologize, and tell him how he really felt.
But he couldn't do such a thing without cluing Tom into the fact that his baby brother was in fact an actual "faggot".
Will didn't even want to think about what his parents would think of him. How disappointed they might be.
He could tell Jake. He might reciprocate, and Will would find himself in a fulfilling relationship for once. But then he would be hated by everyone he cared about and persecuted by most everyone else at school.
Or he could just keep it to himself. Be accepted. Lose Jake. Live his life alone, secretly feeling forever miserable on the inside.
There was no way he could win.
Will managed to pull himself up one last time and slowly trudged back to his bedroom.
He looked over at Tom's bed. Tom was sleeping contentedly smiling in his sleep. Probably dreaming about some girl. The bruise from where Will had slugged him was still very noticeable even though it was dark.
Will started feeling angry again, but it was less anger now and mostly a very deep hurt.
Will turned away from his brother, pulled himself into his bed on his side, and pulled the covers all the way over the top of his head.
Tomorrow he was going to have to make a decision. Either way, he was sure it was going to hurt like hell.
He wanted to just fall asleep and forget, if for only a blissful short time, that this day had actually happened. But then the sobs started to come. They were heavy. He tried to be as silent as he could, but he had officially lost all control.
"Will? WILL!" Tom said in an elevated whisper.
Will felt his comforter being pulled back.
Shit.
He had been too loud. He had woken Tom up.
"Will? What's wrong?"
Tom sounded genuinely concerned. As Will turned to look up into Tom's face, he could see actual worry etched in his brother's face. The anger from earlier seemed to be long gone.
Worried, is he? Will thought. Well, let's see just how long he's worried! Let him know! Let him know his brother is a stupid little "faggot" after all! Might as well! Might as well hurry up get the rejection over with! I'm sure I won't be able to hide it forever anyways. Why not? I'll tell him! Then he can hurt me! Hurt me like the worthless little faggot I am!
In between heavy sobs, Will simply looked up into his brother's eyes and said: "I'm gay."
Tom's face took on a look of confusion, then shock, then finally lit up as he suddenly put two and two together and it dawned on him. "Oh, God." he said.
Here it comes. Will thought. He was prepa
red for whatever was about to happen. He just hoped it came and went quickly.
Tom sat down on the bed, grabbed Will, and gently pulled him into a hug.
"I'm sorry, Will. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize... I mean... I didn't mean what I said the way I did earlier. I didn't know!"
Tom sat there, holding him, not moving the rest of the night, as Will continued to sob, feeling the pain beginning to wash away for the first time in nearly a year.
The End.
About The Author
Christopher Teese lives near Houston, TX. He has written several books, mostly of the drama/dark fantasy variety.
Other Books by Christopher Teese:
The Pit
The Pit 2: The Boy Who Lived In A Pit
The Pit 3: The Plastic Garden
The Pit 4: The Inverted Pit
The Death of Gemini (Poetry)
Coffin
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