“Well, she is. You ought to see the video she made of the broadcasts she did before the accident, when she was in a newscasting class at USU. It blew me away. She was a pro. You want to see it?”
“Do you think she’d mind?”
“I don’t think so. She made about a hundred copies of it.”
“A hundred?”
“Well, maybe a dozen.”
They watched the video in silence. Austin was amazed. Remembering how young Emily had always seemed, he couldn’t believe how confident and mature she was on the video.
All Jeremy could think about was how sad it was for Emily. He knew her dream was over and how difficult it had been for her to give it up.
When the video ended, Jeremy clicked the VCR off. They didn’t say anything for a moment, but just sat there staring at the dark television screen.
“It was hard seeing her for the first time after I got home,” Jeremy said. “The fire really messed her up.”
“I didn’t even know about it for a long time,” Austin said. “How bad is it?”
“I’ve only seen the scars on her face and neck. They’re not too bad, but I guess it’s worse on her upper body.”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“She’ll be back at USU this fall. I’d appreciate it if you could make sure she’s doing okay.”
“I will. I promise.”
“Thanks, that’d mean a lot to me. Not that she wants any help. She’s pretty independent.”
“It sounds like it.”
“She’s going to be the Relief Society president in her campus ward in the fall. I don’t know how that’s going to work out. I mean, it’s hard enough just taking care of herself, so how’s she going to be of any help to someone else?”
It was a question neither of them could answer.
* * * * *
The next day, Jeremy visited Emily in the hospital. She knew he was having a hard time dealing with her scars because he would look at her for only a few seconds before turning away.
He said he wished she’d been able to hear him speak in sacrament meeting. She told him she wished she had too. But the truth was that she had scheduled the operation so she wouldn’t have to attend his homecoming. Not because she didn’t love him or didn’t want to hear him speak, but because his friends from high school would all be there, and she didn’t want to have to face them and see the looks on their faces when they saw her.
In some ways it was easier to deal with people at USU who had never known her than to face those who had known her before the fire.
“Austin was there to hear me give my talk,” Jeremy said.
“Good. I’m glad you two were able to get together. How’s he doing?”
“Real good. He’s the same old Austin, except there’s kind of a depth to him that wasn’t there before. He asked about you. He said for me to tell you he’s sorry about your accident and that he wishes the best for you.”
“If you see him, tell him thanks.”
“He’ll be at USU this fall too. You’ll probably run into him.”
“Well, it’s a big place. We might never see each other. But no matter. Sit down and let me hear your sacrament meeting talk.”
Between Austin going with his parents on a two-week vacation to Hawaii and Emily being in the hospital for skin graft operations, they didn’t see each other during what was left of the summer.
* * * * *
The first time Emily saw Austin on campus, she was in the library on the second day of classes. She had a favorite place she liked to sit there, at some study carrels that few people used, on the second floor. She often had the area to herself.
While walking to her desk, she looked down and saw Austin sitting at a table on the first floor, near the main entrance of the library. He was studying with a girl. Or at least it looked as though Austin wanted to study, but the girl was too preoccupied with him for him to get much work done.
Emily peered over the balcony at them, ready to step back if either one of them should glance up and see her.
Austin looked great. As handsome as ever. He looked a little irritated at the girl’s antics as she playfully stole his pencil and put it behind her back, daring him to take it from her. But Emily couldn’t tell if he was actually upset or just pretending to be.
She’s a real charmer, Emily thought. Such beautiful hair, too. And a long neck. And a good smile. Austin would be a fool not to fall in love with her. She has everything.
Emily was surprised to find herself suddenly jealous. She had no claim on Austin. Aside from the few letters they had exchanged, they’d had no contact for over two years. Even so, it was hard seeing him with someone else. I could have been that girl. I could have been the one he met when he came home from his mission. I could have been the one who went to his homecoming. I could have been the one who rode up with him just before school started. I could have been his friend. And now I could be holding his pencil behind my back, daring him to reach for it, and not being afraid that if his hand brushed my right arm or my neck or the right side of my face that some grafted skin would fall off. They tell me it won’t. They tell me it’ll be as good as new. But how can grafted skin stay there forever?
She found herself fighting back tears. Embarrassed to be so out of control, she glanced around to see if anyone was looking at her, then made a dash for her study carrel. Sitting down, she rummaged through her backpack, looking for some tissues.
The girl with Austin has such beautiful skin, she thought. I’m sure she doesn’t even know that. I should go down and tell her. What would I say? You have so much to be thankful for. I bet you take showers, don’t you? I used to. Of course, now I don’t. Oh, hello, Austin, nice to see you again. You remember me, don’t you? Oh, you don’t? Well, why should you? Look, I hope you’ll be very happy with what’s-her-name. She’s gorgeous. Why, I’ll bet she doesn’t even scare little children when she goes to the mall! That’s a real plus, isn’t it?
Finding a half-empty packet of tissues, she wiped her eyes and nose, then sat in silence, staring vacantly at the desktop.
I know what I’ll do. I’ll become a masseuse on campus. And people will come, and I, in my pressure garment, will tell each one what good skin they have and how much they have to be thankful for. Maybe some day Austin’s girlfriend will come. And I will cry as I work on her and my silent tears will fall on her back, and I will rub them in. I’m sure it will be very good for her.
What ever happened to my life? Someone’s taken it away. And all I have left is ashes. What good are ashes anyway? They’re not good for anything. Why did I live? It would have been so much easier to die.
She checked her backpack for more tissues but didn’t find any. This is not doing me any good. I can’t change what happened. All I can do is move on. I have a test tomorrow and I need to study. That’s one thing I can still do, study and get good grades.
She cautiously entered a rest room on the second floor. She hated people staring at her and was disappointed to see two young women using the mirror. Without looking at them, Emily grabbed a handful of toilet tissue from one of the stalls and quickly left the room to return to her desk. On the way, she glanced down at the first floor. Austin and his friend were gone, and she wondered where they had gone.
Sitting back down to study, she thought, I don’t need a relationship. All I need is school. A test is such an equalizer. It doesn’t care who you are or what you look like. All a test cares about is the right answers. I need that now. In fact, it’s the only thing I’ve got going for me now.
She paused. No, that’s not true. I’m a Relief Society president. I have a responsibility to help the girls in my ward. Heavenly Father trusted me with this responsibility. I can’t let him down. I need to focus my energies on that and forget everything else.
I don’t want to ever run into Austin on campus. It will be better that way. Better for both of us. It’s a big campus. He has his world now and I have mine.
She pulled
out her notes from class. She felt a sense of relief at only having to deal with a test because, as she thought, Unlike life, tests are fair.
* * * * *
The next day when Emily arrived back at her apartment, there was a phone message from Austin for her to call him. She wadded it up and threw it in a wastepaper basket.
Later that night, while at the library studying, the name of one of the girls in her ward popped into her head. Emily and Summer weren’t close friends and in fact had never done anything together but greet each other at church, but Summer’s name kept going through her mind. The thought gradually came that she ought to go see Summer. At first she thought she’d do it the next day after her test. But before long, the thought came forcefully into her mind, No, do it now.
It didn’t make any sense. The girl was not one of the ones she was worried about. But the feeling was so strong that she decided to drop by Summer’s dorm.
She probably won’t even be home, she thought. But she continued on.
Summer was there, but she seemed surprised to find Emily at her door.
“I turned in my visiting teaching report.”
“It’s not about that.”
“What’s it about then?”
“Nothing special. I just thought I’d drop by and see you. How’s everything going?”
“Fine.”
They talked a few minutes about school and then Emily left. What was that all about? she thought as she walked to her own apartment.
* * * * *
Austin continued to leave messages for Emily to call, and she continued to ignore them.
A few days later, though, as she was walking across campus on her way to the library, she heard a voice calling after her. “Emily, is that you?”
Her first reaction was dread. She kept walking, pretending she hadn’t heard.
Austin was beside her now. “Hey, wait up.”
She had to at least acknowledge his presence. She turned to look at him.
“It is you,” he said.
“Yes, it’s me,” she said, watching his eyes to see how he would react to what the fire had done to her.
He chose to concentrate on her eyes. They were, at least, still the same.
Chapter 12
“Hey, I’ve been trying to get hold of you. Did you get my messages?”
“Yeah, but I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had time to get back to you.”
“That’s okay. How are things going?”
“Real good, thanks.” She continued walking.
“Did you get my get-well cards?”
“I did. Thanks,” she said, thinking, He wonders why I never wrote back. Isn’t it obvious, Austin? What’s the point of anything?
I’ve got to get out of here, she thought. She didn’t want to make it difficult for Austin. When people had taken pity on her, she’d found it was easier on them when she gave them an easy way to escape. “Listen, it’s nice seeing you, but I’ve got to get to class.”
“Can I walk you there?” he asked. “I don’t have anything better to do right now. In fact, if you don’t mind, I could sit through the class with you.”
The truth was she didn’t really have a class to go to. She’d only said it to give him an out. “It’s kind of a boring class.”
He smiled. “Hey, if you can stand it, I can.”
She began to panic. She didn’t want him to find out she’d lied.
“Where’s your class?” he asked.
“It’s this way.”
They walked side by side.
“Where can I touch you?” he asked.
She wasn’t much good with sideways glances, so she stopped and turned to face him. “Excuse me?”
He started to blush. “I’m sorry. That didn’t come out right, did it? What I meant was, what parts weren’t in the fire?”
“My left side is in pretty good shape.”
“Your left hand is okay then? Like if I wanted to hold your hand?”
“You don’t mean now, do you?”
“Not necessarily now, no. Just in case it ever comes up.”
“Look, I’m sure you have better things to do than talk to me.”
“Not really. I talk to people all the time.”
She was aware that people passing by were staring at them. She imagined them wondering why someone like him was talking to her. She didn’t blame them. She wondered the same thing.
She wanted him out of her life. “You can’t come to my class.”
“Why not?”
“It’s a women’s health class. We’re discussing childbirth today. There’s going to be a movie.”
Austin gulped. “Some other time then, okay?”
“I’m pretty busy, but nice seeing you.” She began to walk away.
“Emily, I’d like to talk to you. Can I call you?”
She pretended she hadn’t heard him and headed for the nearest classroom building.
He didn’t follow her. She climbed the steps to the second floor landing and watched through the window as he disappeared behind one of the other buildings. This can’t ever happen again, she thought.
Later that day, in the library, she looked up Austin’s class schedule in the computer. She’d need to make sure to avoid those parts of the campus during those times of day.
That night she went over to Don’s house to spend time with him. She hadn’t been invited, but she’d been told by his parents that she was always welcome. And based on the wonderful way they treated her, she believed it.
She always felt better when she was with Don. She wasn’t sure why, except he was always cheerful, and he had a great sense of humor.
She was getting better at understanding him, and when she couldn’t, she just asked him to repeat it or to spell it.
“You’re my best friend now, Don,” she said.
He smiled. “Good for me. You want to play Connect Four?”
“What’s that?”
“A game I always win at.”
“Pretty confident there, aren’t you?”
“For good reason.”
“We can’t beat him, that’s for sure,” his dad said.
“That’s because he’s got a devious streak to him,” his mom said with a big smile.
Don laughed. “That’s me, all right. Dad, I have a confession to make.”
“What’s that, son?”
“I stole a book.”
“You stole a book from the library?” his dad asked.
Don had a big smile on his face. “Yes.”
“What was the book about?”
“Honesty,” Don said, laughing out loud.
“He’s joking, of course,” his mother assured Emily.
“Oh, I knew that,” she said.
“Don, do you really want to play against Emily?” his dad asked.
“I do.”
“Don’t beat her too bad,” his mom said.
“Why not?”
“She’s a guest.”
Don laughed. “This is war.”
Don beat her nine out of ten times. “Well, you’re too much for me, Don,” Emily said.
“Come back. I’ll teach you all my secrets.”
“That’s a better offer than he’s ever given us,” Don’s mother said.
“She’s a guest,” Don said with a smile.
Don’s mother gave Emily a ride to her apartment. “Thank you for coming tonight.”
“I always enjoy being in your home. I feel so welcome and safe there.”
“Don doesn’t get many visitors. Each one is very appreciated.”
“Do you ever wonder what he’d be like if he weren’t, you know . . .”
“Once in a while. More than that, though, we talk about what it will be like when he’s resurrected. Don and his dad have an agreement that they’ll have a wrestling match on the day they’re both resurrected. I think they both are looking forward to that.”
“I’d like to be there to see that,” Emily said.
“We’d be delighted to include you.”
“It’s a date then.”
Because she’d had such a great time the night before, Emily woke up the next morning in good spirits, looking forward to another day. She was getting straight A’s in all her classes, and she was proud of that. That’s one thing that hadn’t been taken from her in the fire.
But when she came out of her nine o’clock class, Austin was waiting for her in the hall.
“Good morning,” he said.
She scowled. “You’re not supposed to be here,” she said.
“Excuse me? Isn’t this a free country?”
“You have a math class this hour.”
“It got canceled. You know my schedule? How come?”
She’d been caught. She didn’t want to explain anything, so she walked faster.
“Did you have breakfast?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“I didn’t.”
“Then go get some.”
“Will you go with me?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I have a class.”
“No, you don’t. I have your schedule. Guess what I found out. You don’t have a women’s health class. You were just trying to get rid of me, weren’t you? How come?”
Emily stopped walking and turned to Austin. She sighed. “What do you want from me?”
“I just want to talk, that’s all.”
In her effort to avoid people, Emily had scouted out many out-of-the-way places on campus–-places where she could study or just be alone, without people walking by and staring at her. She took Austin to one of those, down in the basement of one of the buildings, to a small classroom.
“This looks like a great place to study,” he said.
“It is.”
She didn’t want to sit down because she didn’t want to encourage him to stick around.
“Is it okay if we sit down?” he said.
“I guess so,” she said.
“I hear you’re the Relief Society president in your ward.”
She nodded. “Big surprise, right?”
“Not at all. I’m sure you’re very good at it.”
“You should go now,” she said.
“Why do you keep trying to get rid of me?”