“Yeah, I guess. Let’s go eat.”
Emily was hoping the boys would compliment her on her cooking. Instead, they ate hunched over, their heads down, not even talking.
Finally, Austin asked, “Can I have some more pancakes?”
That was the chance she’d been waiting for. When she returned from the kitchen, she laid her hand softly on his shoulder and leaned close to him, letting her long blonde hair brush past his ear as she forked a couple of her best pancakes onto his plate. “Have all the pancakes you want, Big Boy,” she said, in what she hoped was a seductive voice.
Jeremy was staring at her, not quite sure what was going on. “Get me some more pancakes too while you’re at it,” he grumped.
She went back into the kitchen, got a couple of pancakes, went around to Jeremy’s side of the table, and lobbed them onto his plate. Then she sat down next to Austin.
A short time later Jeremy went to go take a shower. That left Emily and Austin alone.
She took his plate back into the kitchen and dished up the rest of the scrambled eggs, five strips of bacon, and the last of the pancakes, then returned to the dining room and set the plate in front of him. “Here, why don’t you finish this up?”
“I’m pretty full already.”
“You’re a growing body,” she said, then quickly corrected herself. “ . . . A growing boy . . . that’s what I meant. A man, really, if you think about it, a young man about to serve a mission. Who knows how they’ll feed you in the mission field? They might not have bacon where you’re going, so eat all you want. And not every country has pancakes. Some countries don’t. Ecuador I think . . . no pancakes. I heard that once.” She felt like a complete airhead, rambling on like that, but she couldn’t seem to stop.
“Is something wrong?” Austin asked.
“No, nothing, why do you ask?”
“You have kind of a wild-eyed look about you. And the way you’re talking, it’s sort of like you’re about to go over the edge.”
Her voice became high and strained. “The edge? Really? I haven’t noticed.” She wiped at the perspiration that was gathering on her forehead. It was time to change the subject.
“Where do you think you’ll serve your mission?”
“Illinois.”
“Really? How can you be sure?”
“I’ve already received my call.”
“Right, I knew that,” she said, feeling stupid. “So you’re pretty sure, then? I mean, they could change their mind.”
“They don’t change their mind once you receive your call.”
“No, of course not. When are you going?”
“Two weeks. And then two weeks later, Jeremy leaves.”
“Two weeks? That doesn’t give us much time then, does it?”
He looked at her with a puzzled expression.
She winced. “Excuse me. What I meant was it doesn’t give you much time to get ready. That’s what I meant.”
“It gives me two weeks.”
“Yes, that sounds about right.”
She needed an excuse to sit with him, so she decided to have some breakfast, but when she went into the kitchen, all the good food was gone. Watching to make sure Austin couldn’t see her, she fished through the garbage can under the sink, looking for reject pancakes that weren’t too bad. When she found one, she put it on a plate then took it in the dining room and poured syrup on it.
“Where’d you get that one?” he asked.
“Not every pancake can be a masterpiece,” she said.
He glanced at the misshapen, burnt pancake. “How many you got in there like that?”
“Not many.”
“I can’t believe you went to so much work for us. That was really nice.”
She melted under his smile. “Thanks. That really means a lot to me.”
She didn’t want him to leave her and go down and watch TV. She decided to get him to talk about himself. “What do you hope will happen on your mission?”
“I don’t know. I’d like to do as well as my brothers did.”
“In what way?”
“Well, Cameron led the mission in baptisms four months in a row, and then he was called to be mission assistant. And Stephen was a zone leader for almost a year. Before that, he led the mission in baptisms for three months.”
“They did really good then. Are you hoping to match that?”
“Well, yeah, I’d like to.”
“I’m sure you will.”
“When I come back from my mission, you’ll have caught up with me in school.”
“I know.”
“What are you going to study?”
She was surprised he wanted to know. It made her like him even more. “You’ll probably think this is dumb, but someday I want to be a news anchor for one of the major networks.”
“Really? What made you decide that?”
She started to blush. “I’m not sure if I should tell you or not. I’ve never told anyone.”
“You can tell me.”
“Promise you won’t tell Jeremy?”
“I won’t. I promise.”
“When I was growing up, people made fun of me.”
“How come?”
“I just didn’t fit in. It was partly my looks.”
“You’ve always looked okay to me.”
“I have a high forehead,” she said. “It makes me look smart.”
“You are smart.”
“I know. I’ve always been smart. It wasn’t just that, though. In seventh and eighth grade I had a lower voice than most of the boys in my class. And I had the habit of asking really tough questions. One time in eighth grade this boy gave a talk about his science project. I kept asking questions he couldn’t answer. Finally, he started to cry. I got him to admit that his dad had done the whole project and that he didn’t know anything about it. The only people who liked me in school were the science and math teachers.” Her voice trailed off. “I spent a lot of time feeling like a complete misfit.”
“I’ve always liked you.”
It made her heart race to hear him say that. “I know, but that’s just because I was Jeremy’s little sister.”
“So what made you think about becoming a news reporter?”
“Last year, one of my teachers told me he thought I’d be a good news anchor. So I started watching the news more. What I really liked was in-depth interviews with world leaders. I kept thinking, I could do that. So I’m going to give it a shot.”
“Good for you. Does it ever worry you there’s a lot of competition for something like that?”
“I’m not too bad-looking, and I’m smart, and I can talk to people.” As soon as she said it, she turned red. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. You must think I’m really conceited. I’ve never said that to anyone, but you asked.”
“What you said about yourself is true. You are good-looking, you are smart, and you can talk to people.”
She blushed again. “Don’t tell Jeremy though, okay? He’ll make fun of me.”
“I won’t tell him if you promise not to tell anyone about me wanting to be a mission assistant on my mission.”
“That’s not a bad thing.”
“No, but still, it’s not something you’re supposed to be wishing for. It’s just that with my brothers having done so well, it’s almost expected I’ll follow in their footsteps. Not that my folks would ever say anything like that. But the way I look at it, somebody’s got to be a leader on my mission, so why not me?”
“Sure, you’d be really good.”
There was a lull in the conversation. They could hear the shower going.
“Jeremy takes long showers. You’ll be lucky if there’s any hot water left.”
“I can always go home.”
“No, don’t do that,” she said much too quickly. She started to blush again. “Let’s talk some more.”
“What about?”
“I don’t know. Whatever you want to talk about.”
; “I just can’t believe I’m talking to you like this,” Austin said.
“You mean like we’re equals?” she asked.
“Yeah, I guess that’s it.”
“I know what you mean. I’ve always thought of you as just one of Jeremy’s friends.”
“How do you look at me now?”
“Different than I used to. I even had a dream about you last night.”
“No kidding? What did you dream?”
“Oh, you know, just the usual,” she said, aware she was blushing again.
“You want to tell me about it?” he asked, grinning.
“No, not really. It’s a little embarrassing.”
“You could tell me.”
“Probably so, but I’d rather not.”
“Sure, I understand,” he said. Then they were silent for a few moments.
Austin sighed. “Can I tell you something?”
“Sure.”
“I’m not sure I even want to go on a mission.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not sure if I’m doing it because that’s what I really want to do, or if it’s just to please my mom and dad, or just because it’s what my brothers did. Sometimes I feel like my whole life has been planned out without anyone asking me what I want to do. You know what? I didn’t really earn my Eagle rank in Scouting. My mom did most of it. That’s not right, is it? Eagle Scout, returned missionary, college graduate, then law school, marriage, some kids, and then maybe they’ll want me to run for office, maybe even governor. I’m sure it’s all down on paper somewhere in my mom or dad’s files.” He paused. “That’s why I liked singing cowboy songs with Jeremy, because it wasn’t in ‘The Plan.’ My mom hated me doing it.”
“Did she ever tell you that?”
“No, in our family we don’t say things directly. We beat around the bush. All she said was that she thought I could make better use of my time.”
He took a deep breath then released it as he rested his head on the back of the chair and stared at the ceiling. “I’m not sure what worries me the most, that I’ll end up being a mission assistant on my mission, or that I won’t. Either way, I’ll end up feeling like a loser.”
“Does Jeremy know about any of this?”
“No. That’s crazy, isn’t it? He’s my best friend, but you’re the only one I’ve ever told.”
She smiled. “I’m glad you did.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to be more to you than just Jeremy’s sister. I want to be your friend.”
“You are then. We’ll make it official. Are you going to write to me while I’m gone?”
“I will if you’ll write back.”
“I will. I promise.” He glanced at her. “I’ve watched you grow up.”
She didn’t know what he was driving at. “Yeah, so?”
“Well, I’ve noticed the changes taking place in you as you’ve gotten older.”
She started to blush.
“This was a dumb thing to say, wasn’t it?” he asked with a nervous smile. “I shouldn’t have said that. Sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. You know what? I’m glad you’ve noticed.”
They were both saved more embarrassment by the bathroom door opening. “I’m done,” Jeremy called out before heading to his room.
“I guess I’ll take a shower too,” Austin said.
She stood up and reached for his plate. “Sure. Go ahead. I’ll finish cleaning up.”
“I can help out after I’m done with my shower.”
“Okay, if there’s anything left to do.”
She worked fast because she didn’t want Austin to come into the kitchen after his shower and find out what a mess she’d made. The first thing was to hide the evidence of her botched attempts at making pancakes, so she quickly hauled the kitchen trash to the big can in the garage. Then she filled the dishwasher and turned it on.
It was not only Austin she needed to clean up for. She had to hide what she’d done from her mother.
After putting things back in the refrigerator and wiping down the counter, Emily jumped into the car and drove to the store where she bought eggs, bacon, and pancake mix with her own money. If she hadn’t, her mom would have asked, “Where did all the bacon and eggs go?” And then Emily would have to say she’d cooked breakfast for Austin and Jeremy. Then her mom would say, “You cooked a pound of bacon and a dozen eggs for three people? That was supposed to last a week.”
The house had to be returned to its original state, or her mom would keep asking questions until Emily admitted that she’d had a few failures in the process of cooking. And then her mom would tell her that they weren’t rich enough to waste food and lecture her that she should have cooked hot cereal instead because it was a lot cheaper. As far as her mother was concerned, hot cereal was the answer to every breakfast need.
Her mother was the boss of the house and of the family. Her dad’s role was to stand next to his wife and nod his head. Because he seemed weak, Emily didn’t have a lot of respect for her father. At times he seemed invisible. He went to work, he came home, he did odd jobs around the house. Emily never went to him for permission to do something, and even if she had, he would have told her to ask her mother. She never asked his advice either.
Her mother was the general. Everyone else in the family, including her dad, was a private.
For these reasons, over the years Emily had built up a lot of resentment against her mother. At times, lately, they had hardly been able to talk to each other. In one of their little arguments, her mother had said, “I know why this is happening, Emily.”
“Why?”
“Because there are two women in the house now. This is nature’s way of saying it’s time for you to go to college.”
At the time Emily didn’t understand fully what her mother was saying, but now she was beginning to.
Emily couldn’t imagine admitting to her mother that she’d made breakfast because she’d had a dream that she was going to marry Austin someday. She wasn’t sure if her mother would make fun of her or try to talk her out of the idea. Either way, it would be more than Emily could stand.
Austin and I had a nice talk, and he told me things he’s never told anyone else. And I told him about my hopes and dreams for the future.
She smiled. It was a good start.
The two weeks before Austin left on his mission passed quickly. Emily tagged along when Austin and Jeremy sang for the Fourth of July entertainment in the park. After the boys finished performing, some girls they’d known in high school came up and made a big fuss over them. All Emily could do was stand in the background and wait for everyone to leave. But two of the girls stuck around. After a time, Austin and Jeremy and the two girls took Emily home and then the two couples went to one of the girls’ houses.
Emily went to Austin’s farewell too. But, once again, Austin’s older friends and classmates monopolized his time. After the sacrament meeting everyone was invited over to Austin’s big, fancy house for lunch. Again, Emily tagged along but ended up in the back of the crowd.
The girls fussing over Austin were all older than she was. Some of them had been away to college too. She couldn’t compete with them. They were equals with Austin, and she was just Jeremy’s little sister. She resented that fact, but there didn’t seem to be much she could do about it.
Most of the girls there hugged Austin at least once, some, every time they saw him. But Emily couldn’t even get close to him. There was always a crowd of friends around him, laughing about their experiences in high school or at college, and talking about how this person was doing on his mission and who’d gotten engaged.
When it became evident that Austin wasn’t going to pay any attention to her, Emily decided to take action. She pushed through the crowd around Austin and said brightly, “Well, Austin, I need to go now. How about a good-bye hug?”
When Austin went to hug her, she melted into his arms and stayed there for as long as she could, which was until sh
e heard one of the older girls say, “Oh, isn’t that sweet? Even Jeremy’s little sister is going to miss you, Austin. She must have had a crush on you all these years. I bet you never knew that, did you?”
Hearing that made Emily mad, so she took Austin’s face in her hands and kissed him on the lips. He seemed startled and backed away.
“What’s going on here?” one of the girls asked Jeremy.
“I have no idea.”
Emily left and walked home. She knew Jeremy would tell their parents that she’d kissed Austin. But she didn’t care.
She wasn’t Mommy’s little girl anymore.
* * * * *
A Year Later
I am so good! Emily thought as she watched a video clip of herself presenting the evening news the Utah State University campus TV station.
Her freshman year of college was officially over. She’d finished her last exam on Friday but decided to stay over until Monday, spending most of Saturday editing a demo-tape of the best of her news broadcasts.
Her plan was to make copies of the demo-tape and send them to TV stations across the country. If a job offer turned up right away, she’d quit college and go to work full-time. She was hoping to work in a town like Denver or Minneapolis, which would put her in position for a national network job within a few years.
It was a strange sensation looking at herself on the monitor. It was almost as if she were watching someone else—someone older, more confident, knowledgeable, and capable than herself. She attributed what she had become on camera to her teacher, David Alexander.
David Alexander had come to USU for one year as a visiting professor. Two years earlier, while still in his mid-twenties, he became a media star during the twenty-eight- day standoff at the U.S. embassy in Syria, where he and twenty-six other Americans had been confined to the embassy by armed militants. During that time, David Alexander reported the ongoing crisis in a series of feeds that got on the major network newscasts.
At the end of the standoff, the flamboyant David Alexander, flak jacket and all, walked out of the embassy, a media personality, known to millions. From there he went to work in Washington, D.C., where he covered politics with a cynical flair that endeared him to the American people.
The campus TV station was just getting started; fall semester had been the first time the newscasting class was offered. At the first meeting of the class, ten people showed up in the makeshift broadcast studio.