27.
Emily was feeling guilty.
She was having too much fun, enjoying life too much. It went completely against her English upbringing.
She walked around the house singing, she gardened, she surfed, she went sailing in Olive and caught fish. Sometimes she did nothing. It was fun.
She watched England through the Worm. It was grey. People shouted at each other, hit their kids and complained about everything, all the time. Although there were plenty of bright spots and fun and laughter on the Worm, the general mood was grey, people’s halos were grey.
School was another thing Emily felt guilty about. Kids go to school, she didn’t. Sitting in class some of them wore halos like rain clouds. It was surprising they didn’t get wet from their own misery raining down on them.
Emily went to see Pollux.
‘What should I know?’ she asked.
Pollux said, ‘You had this conversation with Azulay in the desert two years ago. You need to be able to do mathematics; read and write; articulate, like speak clearly to get your thoughts across to others; and be able to socialise; and most important, you need to be able to listen to what others have to say.’
‘I can do that,’ said Emily.
‘Let’s see how you fare,’ said Pollux. ‘Exam time!’
Emily soon wished she’d stayed home weeding the garden or cleaning the toilet or some other horrible job, she didn’t like exams.
When she’d finished, she looked at Pollux and said, ‘Well then?’
‘Well then, what?’
‘Did I pass?’
‘Fail, fail, fail, fail!’ he said in a very serious tone.
Emily felt her face drop.
‘Ha, ha, ha,’ laughed Pollux. ‘I just wanted to see your expression.’
‘Bollux!’ exclaimed Emily, giving him a gentle slap.
‘You actually did quite well but there are a few bits you need to work on: spelling, grammar and algebra.’
‘Oh, no!’ said Emily. ‘Can you send me a memory byte?’
‘No, you have to learn it by heart. How would you like to work? Would you like to do correspondence or come to class?’
‘Both,’ answered Emily. ‘Teach me by correspondence if I’m doing something boring then I’ll come up here for exams or if there’s something I need to work on.’
‘Sounds good.’
If I’m God’s apprentice that means that I’m going to have God’s job so I should at the very least be able to spell and put my full stops in the right places.
So, Emily went back to school. It was fun doing it with Castor and Pollux. They went about it in a way that was reverent to daily life. They were so sneaky about it that often she didn’t even notice that they were teaching her.
Emily woke up to find the world engulfed in fog. She was feeling pretty foggy herself, she had a splitting headache, her tummy ached and she was in a foul mood. The snarl she gave Negrita was enough to send the cagoon running. She jumped off the bed and vanished into the fog without so much as a hiss. It was nearly Christmas, but Emily didn’t feel very Christmassy. Azziz and Jesus were OTA, she hadn’t seen nor heard from them for a couple of months.
Opening the top of the wood burning stove, Emily gave the lever that moved the grate a violent jerk, sending a cloud of ash and soot shooting up into the air, coating her black and white.
‘Fart knockers,’ she snarled and kicked the stove.
‘Dang blast, my toe, my toe,’ she cursed, hopping about covered in ash.
Knock, knock.
‘Go away!’
Knock, knock.
‘Go A-Way!’
Knock, knock, knock.
‘Who is it?’ snarled Emily.
‘Zeus. Can I come in?’
‘Come on in then.’
Zeus sailed in looking like God. He wore a long flowing peacock blue robe and sucked the fog in behind him, filling the living room with cloud.
‘What do you want?’ demanded Emily.
Zeus said nothing. He went across to the stove, put some wood in and clicked his fingers to get the fire going. He filled the kettle with water and put it on to boil.
Turning to Emily, he laughed and said, ‘Emily, you look like a sixty year old chimney sweep!’
She snarled at him.
‘Would you like a cup of tea?’
‘NO!’
Putting on an Irish accent, he said, ‘By Jesus woman, get a grip on your hormones.’
Despite herself, Emily laughed a little and tried to get a grip, ‘A cup of tea would be wonderful.’
‘Come on, put on your shawl and we’ll go and sit outside.’
‘But it is foggy,’ protested Emily.
‘Exactly!’
They sat on the sofa, peering into the fog and saying nothing.
Zeus went inside and banged and clattered about in the kitchen, coming back with a tray laden with tea, toast and marmite.
‘Oh thanks,’ said Emily.
‘If Jesus and Azziz were around they would probably have a herbal remedy, but these will have to do,’ said Zeus, handing Emily a box a pills. ‘Paracetamol, take one every four hours. They’re the best I can come up with.’
‘Where are Azziz and Jesus?’ asked Emily.
‘I don’t know.’
‘Will they be back for Jesus’s birthday?’
‘I don’t think so. That’s why I came around; I was thinking we could cook up a lamb for Christmas.’
‘Sounds great.’
‘Excellent, we’ll get a lamb, dig up some potatoes and parsnips, and see what greens you have in the garden.’
When they’d finished breakfast, Zeus asked, ‘Do you have a sharp knife in a sheath?’
‘Yes, there’s one in the kitchen. It’s a bit blunt though.’
‘Great, I’ll sharpen it up,’ he said, vanishing into the house.
Scrape, scrape.
Sharpening noises come from inside.
When Zeus returned, Emily asked, ‘Are we going to get a lamb?’
‘Exactly. If we go before the fog lifts it’ll be ten times easier. They get a bit funny when they see a knife, especially at this time of year.’
‘You mean, we’re going to kill one.’
‘Do you like lamb?’ asked Zeus.
‘Love it.’
‘Let’s go then!’ he said, taking Emily by the hand.
‘But I don’t want to kill one!’
Putting on his Irish accent again, he said, ‘Get over it, girl.’
In the thick fog, they got lost trying to find the track through the cane fields, but once Castor had pointed them in the right direction, they were fine. When they reached the dry stone wall and heard the gentle clanging of the sheep, Zeus held a finger to his month and said, Shhhh.
They pussy footed over the style and crept across the paddock. With the bells it was easy to find the sheep.
‘You’re nimbler than me,’ said Zeus. ‘You go first. We want one of this year’s lambs.’
The first time Emily got close, the sheep ran away in a klaxony of bells. They stood in the cool, damp fog for a few minutes until the sheep had settled down then tried again. This time Emily caught one.
‘You hold it, I’ll slit its throat,’ said Zeus.
Once he’d done it and the lamb lay limp at Emily’s feet, he said, ‘Your turn next time.’
‘Yuck,’ said Emily wiping the blood off her hands. ‘That was horrible, we killed it.’
‘He’ll be delicious,’ said Zeus.
And he was too. As there was just the two of them, they roasted a leg up in the oven with pumpkin, potatoes and young parsnips. Zeus made the gravy and Emily mixed up the Yorkshire puddings. Once they were cooking in the oven, Emily picked a sprig of mint from where it grew by the drain, chopped it up and added a little vinegar and sugar to make the mint sauce.
Zeus opened a bottle of red wine for himself and a ginger beer for Emily then carved up the lamb and they served Christmas lunch.
/> ‘I’d like to propose a toast,’ said Zeus, raising his glass in the air. ‘Happy birthday Jesus!’
Clink!
Jesus and Azziz were back on the asteroid for Emily’s birthday. They decided to celebrate it a day late, on the 22nd because, with her family visiting her grave, Emily’s birthday had become an emotional day; like the English weather, it was all tears or sunshine.
This year the 21st January was a dark and rainy day in Sheffield, nothing forecast but wind and rain. Low and behold, a shaft of sunlight broke through the cloud and rain and lit up Emily’s parents and Annie when they visited her grave!
On the morning of the 22nd Azziz and Jesus came around really early. Too early! Emily kicked up a fuss and hid under her covers so they rolled her up in her duvet, carried her outside and sat her on the sofa. They sipped hot chocolate, ate mud cake and watched the sun rise out of the sea; it was lovely, even if Emily was not really awake.
When there was nothing but crumbs left, Azziz said, ‘Get yourself ready then, we’re off!’
‘Off where?’ asked Emily.
‘Hiking.’
They walked along the beach, kicking the soccer ball then leaving the ball at the cafe, headed inland up the Orinoco River. Reaching the meadow, they walked until they could see nothing but grass, then a bit further until a small tree appeared in the distance.
They stopped and Azziz pointed to the tree and said, ‘Happy birthday from Me, Jesus, Castor, Pollux and Zeus.’
‘Oh thank you,’ said Emily, giving Jesus and Azziz a hug and a kiss.
‘Why can’t Zeus be here?’ she asked.
‘Because he’s not talking to us.’
‘But he’s in on the tree with you.’
‘Yes.’
‘So you are talking.’
‘No! Come on, let’s go see the tree.’ said Azziz, grabbing Emily’s hand and running across the meadow.
As they walked the last little bit, Emily thought what an odd present a fully-grown tree is. It must be one of those funny alien customs.
When they reached the tree, the first thing Emily noticed was a rope, tied around the trunk and leading off into the long grass. Following it she found a golden horse with a white mane.
‘It’s dead!’ said Emily, a little surprised to have been given a dead horse for her birthday. Maybe it was another strange alien custom.
‘There’s just no pleasing some people!’ said Azziz. ‘He’s not dead, he’s just pretending. Give him a poke.’
Emily stroked the horse’s muzzle and it lifted its head and shook its ears.
Na, na, ne-ee-eigh.
It struggled sleepily to its feet.
‘It’s lovely,’ said Emily. ‘What’s his name?’
‘He’s called Trigger,’ said Jesus.
‘Like in the Westerns?’
‘Exactly, he’s a celebrity horse. Roy Rogers rode him. He can do tricks and stuff. He’s smart as.’
They took turns riding Trigger across the meadow.
Emily galloped until she could see nothing but grass. It was like being in the Wild West. They all jumped on and rode back with three up. Trigger didn’t like it much and it took an awful lot of carrots to keep him moving. By the time they reached the beach Trigger was starting to sag in the middle and drag his feet. They let him go and with a little whinny of thanks, he galloped off along the beach, splashing through the water.
As they walked along the beach, Emily said, ‘Thanks guys. We’re going to have fun together.’
She thought he’d like to stay in the paddock with the sheep, but he said, ‘No.’
He didn’t want to be stuck in the orchard; he wanted to roam free like his ancestors did in the Wild West. Given an hour or two’s notice, he’d be ready at Emily’s cottage if she needed him. It seemed a good arrangement so that was just what they did.
It wasn’t long afterwards that Emily gained another companion: her neighbour’s dog, Scruff. She was having a Wormoscopic moment; stretched out on her sofa, watching her brother and sister playing ball tag. Julie threw the ball at Danny but missed and the ball bounced onto the road. As she ran after it, there was a squeal of tyres and the local boy racers came flying around the corner. Julie was across the lawn and about to run onto the road when Danny rugby tackled her, knocking her to the ground.
‘Whew, that was close,’ said Emily, feeling her heart miss a beat.
Screeeech! Thud!
Scruff, the neighbour’s dog was hit. He was thrown into the air, bounced off a parked car and rolled into the gutter; dead as a door nail.
Emily clicked her fingers and was up in Castor’s security moon, ‘Castor, Scruff just got killed, can we save him?’
‘Let me see,’ said Castor. ‘Here we are.’ He rewound the footage of Scruff getting hit.
‘Nasty, nasty,’ he said, then going back a bit further. ‘That was lucky, it could have been Julie. Good save Danny!’
He ran through the video until the moment when the car just touched Scruff.
‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Now he’s here.’
‘Where?’
‘He could be anywhere on the asteroid. Either you’ll find him, or he’ll find you.’
‘You’re playing games’
‘Not really,’ said Castor. ‘It gives both of you time to adjust.’
‘Thank you, Castor. Thank you so much,’ said Emily, and gave him a big kiss.
You’ve turned pink,’ she joked, giving him another kiss and disappearing.
Scruff turned up at the cottage a couple of days later. He was delighted to see Emily and she was equally as delighted to see him, someone from home, even if he was just the neighbour’s dog. She’d always liked Scruff. He was about the size of a microwave, but skinny with white curly hair, black socks, one black ear and a big black spot on his back.
Negrita was not so delighted to see Scruff. It wasn’t long before he got his whiskers singed!