“Are you not looking at me because you feel in some way submissive?”
“Yes.” There was little point in lying about it. That was just the way it went sometimes. She’d always been mid-level in dominance. He was way above her. It was everything she could do not to keep her eyes perpetually at the ground.
August cleared his throat. She raised her eyes just slightly. Was he okay? Why had he done that? He lifted his eyebrows at her when she finally met his gaze. “You’re my mate. That puts us on the same level. You will make eye contact with me whenever you want to. And I think you know that. If you were really feeling submissive, you wouldn’t defy me or snip at me verbally. I like both of those things. I want your eyes on mine, too.”
All right, maybe he had a point. “Perhaps it’s something else. Not submission. Maybe it’s…”
“Fear?” He shook his head. “I’ll never hurt you.”
No, that hadn’t been what she was going to say. She’d grasped very quickly that while he was gruff, he was a caregiver. A warrior wolf with a gentle soul he probably didn’t even see clearly himself. Her wolf perked up at the thought, and she could swear she felt his brush against her, too. Auggie’s gaze stayed firm on her own. If he noticed their canine exchange, he didn’t indicate it in any way.
“Shame.” There, she said it.
He’d finished eating and set down his fork. “What are you ashamed of?”
“Being in this condition. You’re back from the war. You’re hunting the dragons that are still around. You’re clearly amazing—that trick shifting in the air was nothing I’ve ever seen before. You came home and found a mate who let this happen to her.” She looked away.
He took her hand across the table, linking their fingers together. “Clarissa, the first thing you did was save my life. Dragged me out of the river. You’d gone there to put an end to this, to live as a wolf, to hurry your decline and instead you yanked me out of the river.”
That was true. She forced herself to stare at him again. “Having seen your wolf now, you would have probably gotten yourself out.”
He shook his head. “I was done. Out cold. No memory. I’d have drowned.”
“Okay, well you saved my life. More than once. So even though it’s not even, why don’t we go ahead and call it even?”
August leaned forward. “There doesn’t need to be evenness between us. We’re mates. It just is. I’ll say that we’re done saving lives. No more near deaths for us.”
That worked. Since she’d opened the door to the discussion, she walked right through it. “I took the dragon drug for the first time with my sister Elizabeth. She got into it with her mate, who was a soldier. He came back addicted.”
August sucked in his breath. “I was in such a different situation. I didn’t know for a long time that our soldiers were using. The dragons did that on purpose. Wore down our forces. Go on. I’m sorry.”
She needed to hear his story. He’d been reported dead. What had happened?
But she was going to finish her own first. “For the first time in years, I wasn’t scared. I knew better. I knew I wasn’t supposed to really feel that way. That it was a false sensation and it couldn’t last. I’d have been fine if I’d just stopped after that one time. I could give you a list of excuses about what happened the next day. Four dragons came through. So many friends dead.” She looked away, forcing the memory to go wherever the others went, somewhere else. “They’re just excuses. I took it a second time. Then I was hooked. Elizabeth robbed our family, a few times I think. I never did that. She and I didn’t stay together very long. She and her mate left, and I ended up on my own. For a while, I seemed capable of both using and working.”
“That stopped.” He filled in for her, and she nodded.
“It did. My job disappeared anyway. The building was firebombed by the dragons, and the government said we were non-essential.”
“What did you do?” He still hadn’t let go of her hand.
“Would you believe I helped wolves hold off their descent? To keep from going into their permanent wolf state until they had their affairs in order. Medically. I was a healer. I knew herbs and such.” She rubbed her eyes. A healer who let this happen to herself.
He hadn’t commented, and she waited. Finally, he spoke. “Do you want to go get some furniture for the house while you have the energy? We could go do that.”
That was it? He didn’t want to tell her how foolish she had been? How stupid she was for making those decisions? He wanted to go buy furniture?
“Sure.”
“Great.” He nodded once. “Then let’s get to it.”
Did he have an internal list he checked off in his brain? Sleep. Bathe. Eat. Shop. Didn’t he want to say anything at all about what she’d told him? His scent was hidden from her. She sighed. Clarissa needed to pull herself together. She was lucky he didn’t throw her out onto the street. She was a drug-addled mate who looked like she’d been eaten by a dragon and spit out.
“Let’s.”
“Clarissa.” Lena tugged her into a hug, and Clarissa let her youngest sister do so. Lena had been the one left behind to tend to life with their parents when they’d all fled. Now, she was a beautiful woman mated to Devin Knox with a baby on her hip.
She had nieces and nephews. Wow. That was just amazing.
“Lena,” she said, hugging her sister back. “Look at you.”
Her sister beamed. Happiness was beautiful on her. “You came back to us. Mated to August. We weren’t sure we’d ever see him again.”
“Right.” The sun was really bright. There was furniture all over the place that she was supposed to be looking at. Devin made most of it, apparently. August seemed preoccupied with it.
“Seriously?” Her mate shook his head. “Furniture?”
Devin laughed. “Sure. This is what I do now. I’m not really interested in helping Robbie run strategy. If our Alpha needs me, he knows I’m always there for him as both packmate and brother. But he has Dougal. He has Homer. I like to build things.”
Clarissa smiled at Lena. They’d both paused to listen to them speak. “He’s very talented.”
“I know.” She swung around. “You smell better today than yesterday—I mean the drugs. Nothing about your personal hygiene.”
She could have meant that. Clarissa had really stunk before she got in the shower, and considering that she still wore the same clothes, it wasn’t much better. She started to walk through the dresser section. They used to have stores like this before the war. How was Clarissa going to pay for this? Her head started pounding, and Lena’s face fell. “Well, you did smell better. Now you’re in pain.”
That was the thing about wolves. They had no personal privacy from each other. In her pack, the wolves left each other alone. Why mention misery when that was all there was?
August was by her side suddenly. He placed his hand on the middle of her back. “Too much too soon. My fault.” He turned to Lena. “Pick out some nice things for us. We need everything. If she hates anything, I’ll bring it back.”
“Oh.” Lena brightened at the invitation. “I’d like that.”
“You were always very artistic. I’m sorry, Lena.”
She scratched her head. “For what?”
“For… cutting our reunion short. For being such a problem.”
Auggie tugged her against him. “Stop that. You have nothing to apologize for.”
Lena held up her hands. “I wasn’t suggesting she did.”
“Come on.” He ushered her away from the crowd looking at furniture and occasionally staring at her, back toward his home. “There is not one person in this pack—not one—who is perfect. Okay? You’re very kind. You made a mistake, and the person paying for it is you. Do not, under any circumstances, go around feeling you owe anyone an apology.”
His words brought tears to her eyes. He could smell her distress for sure. She couldn’t cover it. “I get low when I need a hit. It’s funny. I wasn’t feeling high, pa
rticularly. Just normal. Then it crashed. I guess normal is high?”
August made one of his grunting noises that Clarissa couldn’t interpret. What did it mean when he did that?
Finally, he used words. “I’m not an expert on this, but given that my sister-in-law is the one giving out the stuff, I’d guess it’s very high quality in terms of drugs. She’s dosing you with the good stuff. I doubt you’ve been on the good stuff before. Maybe how you felt is just because of that. But, yes, you’re crashing. She’ll be by this afternoon with more of it. If I’d kept you home, I bet you wouldn’t have burned through it so fast.”
She pointed to her hair. “It’s the red in my hair. Didn’t you know? Redheads don’t process drugs like everyone else.”
He blinked fast. “You do have a lot of strawberry in that blonde.”
August linked their hands together. With his fingers entwined with hers, breathing came easier and her headache waned a bit. Had he done something?
“How are the others?”
“Your pack? They’re fine. About the same as you. Everyone is holding steady. No more deaths.”
She stopped walking. “August, we were all prepared to go any day. Despite all evidence to the contrary, we knew better than what we did. What little we discussed it, we all knew what was likely going to happen.”
A rush of anger hit her, wafting through the air on a hot burst before it instantly fled. “Don’t ever talk about your death as though it’s something that just might have been. As though you deserve it. Like it’s not a big deal. I lost those two. I will not lose you.”
Clarissa had never, not even as a little girl, had someone make her feel as though she was important before. Her breath caught in her throat.
August bent over, pressing their lips together gently. She closed her eyes. This was their first kiss. They stayed like that for a long moment. He smelled like man and like wolf, all mixed together in a clean, homey scent. She could have melted into him.
He sighed against her lips. “When you’re better.”
Clarissa swayed slightly, and his arms held her still. She’d thought maybe Auggie could support the world on his back. He picked her up like she weighed nothing. “Tomorrow, we know. Not so much, not yet. We’ll hang around the house. Nothing wrong with that.”
Her mate was a dragon hunter. She doubted very much he wanted to hang around the house. Still, she wasn’t in any position to argue. Not when her head decided to pound so loudly she could hear it in her ears.
August settled her in bed before he went to get a washcloth. He then laid it on her head. “I hope it’s okay I asked Lena to get the furniture. I can’t have you living here without any, and I don’t know when it’ll be time for you to venture out to choose things.”
In the sunlight of the all but empty bedroom, August was beautiful. Who was she kidding? He was always beautiful. Like moonlight was beautiful, the sky before a storm, and the way a river sounded when it pounded hard on rocks. Nothing about August was easy or simple—but he was intense in how gorgeous he was.
“I don’t care about decorating. That’s not what I wanted out of life, even when I imagined having a life that didn’t include looking for my next fix.”
He furrowed his brow. “Which was what? What did you imagine?”
“Pack. Mate. My mate not to be dead.” She wished she hadn’t said that. At some point, they’d discuss it, but this was maybe not the time. “Sorry. You’re obviously not dead.”
August didn’t speak, and she thought maybe he wasn’t going to. But then, finally, he spoke. “We made a decision to help form a special unit to help fight the war. We did a lot of things the government couldn’t sanction. Our command was adamant we had to be dead. No one could be asking questions about us. So we faked our deaths. Destroyed our families. I really can’t tell you why we thought that was a wonderful idea. At the time, we were so gung ho. I understand, Angel Face, how you can do something that is so completely stupid and then have to live with the consequences. If I’d even suspected you lived in the world, I wouldn’t have done it. It pains to me to think my mate thought I was dead. It pains me to think that what’s happened to you was because I…”
Clarissa put her hand over his mouth to stop him. “I didn’t do this because of you. The blame stays right on my shoulders.”
He kissed her palm, and she wished for a second that she never had to pull her hand away. Eventually, she did.
“You should sleep,” he said, his voice low. “Take the edge off until it is time for Tatyana to come back with the dose.”
She would love a nap and that was just pathetic, considering she’d been up for maybe three hours. Her need for it warred with a desire not to lose this time with August. “Could you lie with me? Maybe we could hit dreamland together for a bit. Better than the floor, anyway, right?”
He climbed in next to her. “I’ll lie with you. I’m not going to sleep. I barely do. I never have anything but nightmares.”
“What?” That sounded awful.
“I’ve never told anyone else that, ever.” He made the bed warmer, and as she shifted under the covers, she knew she would, for once, not be cold.
He only had nightmares? “I won’t tell anyone. We can have secrets that will just stay between us.”
August might have actually smiled at that for a second. Then the look faded, replaced by his impenetrable, unreadable hardness that made no sense to her. What was he thinking? She wanted to cuddle but held off the instinct. Her mate didn’t give off a come cuddle with me vibe.
She yawned, and her eyes closed of their own accord. Someday, she would have control of her own body and mind again.
When she woke up, she was stiff, like she hadn’t moved in hours. She wasn’t on her pillow. Instead, she’d sprawled out, one arm over August’s chest. He breathed steadily, his eyes closed. Well, she’d cuddled him—whether he liked it or not.
His face was passive in sleep. He didn’t look hard or quasi-angry. Instead, August was soft. She almost reveled in the beauty of this moment, and then she realized she was drenched in sweat. Oh no, that wasn’t good. Usually the sweat was followed by the shakes and, finally, throwing up. These were withdrawal signs.
She groaned, and her mate’s eyes flew open.
“What’s wrong?”
“Not. Feeling. Well.” Yep, she was cranky, too. And there wasn’t a thing she could do about it.
A sound downstairs had August getting out of the bed. She closed her eyes, nausea moving through. The throwing up would come later.
“Tatyana’s here. With my brother.”
The idea was utterly horrifying. “I don’t know if I can do visitors just yet.”
“She’s here as your doctor, and my brother…” His voice trailed off. “He needs an Alpha allegiance from you. Make you part of the pack. They’re talking downstairs. I can hear them.”
That was amazing. “You can hear them? Smell them, yes. Hear them, no.”
He shrugged. “I have always had very sensitive everything. He’s coming up the stairs. You’re covered, yes?”
She was. In fact, she was in the only pair of clothes she owned. They really needed to be laundered. Her body was clean before it was sweaty. Her clothes never were.
Robbie knocked and then came through the door. Alphas tended to do as they pleased in her experience. It was nice he knocked at all. “We can be fast about this. I waited for you for last to give you guys some time. Your pack is my pack now, Clarissa. Blood, please.”
She forced herself to sit up. “Okay.”
Half shifting had always been hard for her and now it was downright impossible. August walked over to her. Bringing her palm to his mouth, he bit down just enough to draw blood. Clearly, elongating his fangs wasn’t a problem for him. It pinched, but she hardly noticed it against the rest of her pain. Robbie bit down on his hand, and soon, they were blood to blood. Her wolf stood up and howled. Yes, she liked this.
This was real. This was pack. This wa
s family.
She’d always be Robbie’s to command, and in turn, he would see to her future, to that of all of them.
Assuming she had one. Tatyana pushed past her Alpha mate to get to her. “Let’s make this better. Little less than yesterday. Step down. One day at a time.”
It was going to be long and tough, but the pain would be worth it in the end.
5
When Tatyana had told August this was going to be a long recovery, she had clearly not exaggerated. His mate slept most of every day away. There was never a day that was easier on her than the day before. The step down program meant that each day, his mate got less and less of what her body craved. Enough to make it through the day and nothing more. Then less the next day.
She cried out in her sleep, couldn’t be still, and only had brief hours of feeling well before she went downhill again. With the sun setting, she’d been unconscious for hours. When he’d run battles, they’d always been over fast. Robbie had the patience for long pursuits, Auggie did not. He wanted his mate healthy. He wanted to know her off the drugs. He craved more of what they had in the hours when she didn’t feel like she was dying.
He needed to know he could make her happy. Not to mention he woke up every morning perpetually hard. She slept on top of him. They always fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed and he’d wake up when she threw her body to cover his, as though she had become his blanket. He sighed. She smelled awesome.
Thanks to Lena, the house was filling up. They had furniture, clothes, food, and what she called knickknacks taking up space. Yesterday, Lena and Caitlyn had made Clarissa laugh for a good portion of the morning. He loved the sound even as he resented that they were taking up her time. What was the matter with him?
Robbie strolled down the street, seeming like he had not a care in the world, which Auggie knew not to be the case. His twin brother stopped in front of Auggie’s house before sitting on the steps next to him. “Nice night out here.”
“If you say so, my Alpha.” It actually wasn’t hard to call Robert that. He’d basically been their Alpha when he led them through war for two decades.