“And you’ll be representing him, madam?”
“I may, if he brings me something I can sell. I saw him paging through a manuscript and figured he was looking for something he could steal. Oh, don’t look so outraged, Phil. Why not steal from Woolrich, for God’s sake? He’s not going to sue. He left everything to Columbia University, and you could knock off anything of his, published or unpublished, and they’d never know the difference. Ever since I saw you reading, I’ve been wondering. Did you come across anything worth stealing?”
“I don’t steal,” Perigord said. “Still, perfectly legitimate inspiration can result from a glance at another man’s work—”
“I’ll say it can. And did it?”
He shook his head. “If there was a strong idea anywhere in that manuscript, I couldn’t find it in the few minutes I spent looking. What about you, Harriet? I know you had a look at it, because I saw you.”
“I just wanted to see what it was you’d been so caught up in. And I wondered if the manuscript might be salvageable. One of my writers might be able to pull it off, and do a better job than the hack who finished Into the Night.”
“Ah,” Haig said. “And what did you determine, madam?”
“I didn’t read enough to form a judgment. Anyway, Into the Night was no great commercial success, so why tag along in its wake?”
“So you put the manuscript . . .”
“Back in its box, and left it on the table where I’d found it.”
Our client shook his head in wonder. “Murder on the Orient Express,” he said. “Or in the Calais coach, depending on whether you’re English or American. It’s beginning to look as though everyone read that manuscript. And I never noticed a thing!”
“Well, you were hitting the sauce pretty good,” Jon Corn-Wallace reminded him. “And you were, uh, concentrating all your social energy in one direction.”
“How’s that?”
Corn-Wallace nodded toward Jeanne Botleigh, who was refilling someone’s cup. “As far as you were concerned, our lovely caterer was the only person in the room.”
There was an awkward silence, with our host coloring and his caterer lowering her eyes demurely. Haig broke it. “To continue,” he said abruptly. “Miss Quinlan returned the manuscript to its box and to its place upon the table. Then—”
“But she didn’t,” Perigord said. “Harriet, I wanted another look at Woolrich. Maybe I’d missed something. But first I saw you reading it, and when I looked a second time it was gone. You weren’t reading it and it wasn’t on the table, either.”
“I put it back,” the agent said.
“But not where you found it,” said Edward Everett Stokes. “You set it down not on the table but on that revolving bookcase.”
“Did I? I suppose it’s possible. But how did you know that?”
“Because I saw you,” said the small-press publisher. “And because I wanted a look at the manuscript myself. I knew about it, including the fact that it was not restorable in the fashion of Into the Night. That made it valueless to a commercial publisher, but the idea of a Woolrich novel going unpublished ate away at me. I mean, we’re talking about Cornell Woolrich.”
“And you thought—”
“I thought why not publish it as is, warts and all? I could do it, in an edition of two or three hundred copies, for collectors who’d happily accept inconsistencies and omissions for the sake of having something otherwise unobtainable. I wanted a few minutes’ peace and quiet with the book, so I took it into the lavatory.”
“And?”
“And I read it, or at least paged through it. I must have spent half an hour in there, or close to it.”
“I remember you were gone a while,” Jon Corn-Wallace said. “I thought you’d headed on home.”
“I thought he was in the other room,” Jayne said, “cavorting on the pile of coats with Harriet here. But I guess that must have been someone else.”
“It was Zoltan,” the agent said, “and we were hardly cavorting.”
“Canoodling, then, but—”
“He was teaching me a yogic breathing technique, not that it’s any of your business. Stokes, you took the manuscript into the john. I trust you brought it back?”
“Well, no.”
“You took it home? You’re the person responsible for its disappearance?”
“Certainly not. I didn’t take it home, and I hope I’m not responsible for its disappearance. I left it in the lavatory.”
“You just left it there?”
“In its box, on the shelf over the vanity. I set it down there while I washed my hands, and I’m afraid I forgot it. And no, it’s not there now. I went and looked as soon as I realized what all this was about, and I’m afraid some other hands than mine must have moved it. I’ll tell you this—when it does turn up, I definitely want to publish it.”
“If it turns up,” our client said darkly. “Once E.E. left it in the bathroom, anyone could have slipped it under his coat without being seen. And I’ll probably never see it again.”
“But that means one of us is a thief,” somebody said.
“I know, and that’s out of the question. You’re all my friends. But we were all drinking last night, and drink can confuse a person. Suppose one of you did take it from the bathroom and carried it home as a joke, the kind of joke that can seem funny after a few drinks. If you could contrive to return it, perhaps in such a way that no one could know your identity . . . Haig, you ought to be able to work that out.”
“I could,” Haig agreed. “If that were how it happened. But it didn’t.”
“It didn’t?”
“You forget the least obvious suspect.”
“Me? Dammit, Haig, are you saying I stole my own manuscript?”
“I’m saying the butler did it,” Haig said, “or the closest thing we have to a butler. Miss Botleigh, your upper lip has been trembling almost since we all sat down. You’ve been on the point of an admission throughout and haven’t said a word. Have you in fact read the manuscript of As Dark as It Gets?”
“Yes.”
The client gasped. “You have? When?”
“Last night.”
“But—”
“I had to use the lavatory,” she said, “and the book was there, although I could see it wasn’t an ordinary bound book but pages in a box. I didn’t think I would hurt it by looking at it. So I sat there and read the first two chapters.”
“What did you think?” Haig asked her.
“It was very powerful. Parts of it were hard to follow, but the scenes were strong, and I got caught up in them.”
“That’s Woolrich,” Jayne Corn-Wallace said. “He can grab you, all right.”
“And then you took it with you when you went home,” our client said. “You were so involved you couldn’t bear to leave it unfinished, so you, uh, borrowed it.” He reached to pat her hand. “Perfectly understandable,” he said, “and perfectly innocent. You were going to bring it back once you’d finished it. So all this fuss has been over nothing.”
“That’s not what happened.”
“It’s not?”
“I read two chapters,” she said, “and I thought I’d ask to borrow it some other time, or maybe not. But I put the pages back in the box and left them there.”
“In the bathroom?”
“Yes.”
“So you never did finish the book,” our client said. “Well, if it ever turns up I’ll be more than happy to lend it to you, but until then—”
“But perhaps Miss Botleigh has already finished the book,” Haig suggested.
“How could she? She just told you she left it in the bathroom.”
Haig said, “Miss Botleigh?”
“I finished the book,” she said. “When everybody else went home, I stayed.”
“My word,” Zoltan Mihalyi said. “Woolrich never had a more devoted fan, or one half so beautiful.”
“Not to finish the manuscript,” she said, and turned to our
host. “You asked me to stay,” she said.
“I wanted you to stay,” he agreed. “I wanted to ask you to stay. But I don’t remember . . .”
“I guess you’d had quite a bit to drink,” she said, “although you didn’t show it. But you asked me to stay, and I’d been hoping you would ask me, because I wanted to stay.”
“You must have had rather a lot to drink yourself,” Harriet Quinlan murmured.
“Not that much,” said the caterer. “I wanted to stay because he’s a very attractive man.”
Our client positively glowed, then turned red with embarrassment. “I knew I had a hole in my memory,” he said, “but I didn’t think anything significant could have fallen through it. So you actually stayed? God. What, uh, happened?”
“We went upstairs,” Jeanne Botleigh said. “And we went to the bedroom, and we went to bed.”
“Indeed,” said Haig.
“And it was . . .”
“Quite wonderful,” she said.
“And I don’t remember. I think I’m going to kill myself.”
“Not on Christmas Day,” E.E. Stokes said. “And not with a mystery still unsolved. Haig, what became of the bloody manuscript?”
“Miss Botleigh?”
She looked at our host, then lowered her eyes. “You went to sleep afterward,” she said, “and I felt entirely energized, and knew I couldn’t sleep, and I thought I’d read for a while. And I remembered the manuscript, so I came down here and fetched it.”
“And read it?”
“In bed. I thought you might wake up, in fact I was hoping you would. But you didn’t.”
“Damn it,” our client said, with feeling.
“So I finished the manuscript and still didn’t feel sleepy. And I got dressed and let myself out and went home.”
There was a silence, broken at length by Zoltan Mihalyi, offering our client congratulations on his triumph and sympathy for the memory loss. “When you write your memoirs,” he said, “you’ll have to leave that chapter blank.”
“Or have someone ghost it for you,” Philip Perigord offered.
“The manuscript,” Stokes said. “What became of it?”
“I don’t know,” the caterer said. “I finished it—”
“Which is more than Woolrich could say,” Jayne Corn-Wallace said.
“—and I left it there.”
“There?”
“In its box. On the bedside table, where you’d be sure to find it first thing in the morning. But I guess you didn’t.”
“The manuscript? Haig, you’re telling me you want the manuscript?”
“You find my fee excessive?”
“But it wasn’t even lost. No one took it. It was next to my bed. I’d have found it sooner or later.”
“But you didn’t,” Haig said. “Not until you’d cost me and my young associate the better part of our holiday. You’ve been reading mysteries all your life. Now you got to see one solved in front of you, and in your own magnificent library.”
He brightened. “It is a nice room, isn’t it?”
“It’s first-rate.”
“Thanks. But Haig, listen to reason. You did solve the puzzle and recover the manuscript, but now you’re demanding what you recovered as compensation. That’s like rescuing a kidnap victim and insisting on adopting the child yourself.”
“Nonsense. It’s nothing like that.”
“All right, then it’s like recovering stolen jewels and demanding the jewels themselves as reward. It’s just plain disproportionate. I hired you because I wanted the manuscript in my collection, and now you expect to wind up with it in your collection.”
It did sound a little weird to me, but I kept my mouth shut. Haig had the ball, and I wanted to see where he’d go with it.
He put his fingertips together. “In Black Orchids,” he said, “Wolfe’s client was his friend Lewis Hewitt. As recompense for his work, Wolfe insisted on all of the black orchid plants Hewitt had bred. Not one. All of them.”
“That always seemed greedy to me.”
“If we were speaking of fish,” Haig went on, “I might be similarly inclined. But books are of use to me only as reading material. I want to read that book, sir, and I want to have it close to hand if I need to refer to it.” He shrugged. “But I don’t need the original that you prize so highly. Make me a copy.”
“A copy?”
“Indeed. Have the manuscript photocopied.”
“You’d be content with a . . . a copy?”
“And a credit,” I said quickly, before Haig could give away the store. We’d put in a full day, and he ought to get more than a few hours’ reading out of it. “A two thousand dollar store credit,” I added, “which Mr. Haig can use up as he sees fit.”
“Buying paperbacks and book-club editions,” our client said. “It should last you for years.” He heaved a sigh. “A photocopy and a store credit. Well, if that makes you happy . . .”
And that pretty much wrapped it up. I ran straight home and sat down at the typewriter, and if the story seems a little hurried it’s because I was in a rush when I wrote it. See, our client tried for a second date with Jeanne Botleigh, to refresh his memory, I suppose, but a woman tends to feel less than flattered when you forget having gone to bed with her, and she wasn’t having any.
So I called her the minute I got home, and we talked about this and that, and we’ve got a date in an hour and a half. I’ll tell you this much, if I get lucky, I’ll remember. So wish me luck, huh?
And, by the way . . .
Merry Christmas!
The Ehrengraf Defense
“And you are Mrs. Culhane,” Martin Ehrengraf said. “Do sit down, yes, I think you will find that chair comfortable. And please pardon the disarray. It is the natural condition of my office. Chaos stimulates me. Order stifles me. It is absurd, is it not, but so then is life itself, eh?”
Dorothy Culhane sat, nodded. She studied the small, trimly built man who remained standing behind his extremely disorderly desk. Her eyes took in the narrow mustache, the thin lips, the deeply set dark eyes. If the man liked clutter in his surroundings, he certainly made up for it in his grooming and attire. He wore a starched white shirt, a perfectly tailored dove gray three-button suit, a narrow dark blue necktie.
Oh, but she did not want to think about neckties—
“Of course you are Clark Culhane’s mother,” Ehrengraf said. “I had it that you had already retained an attorney.”
“Alan Farrell.”
“A good man,” Ehrengraf said. “An excellent reputation.”
“I dismissed him this morning.”
“Ah.”
Mrs. Culhane took a deep breath. “He wanted Clark to plead guilty,” she said. “Temporary insanity, something of the sort. He wanted my son to admit to killing that girl.”
“And you did not wish him to do this.”
“My son is innocent!” The words came in a rush, uncontrollably. She calmed herself. “My son is innocent,” she repeated, levelly now. “He could never kill anyone. He can’t admit to a crime he never committed in the first place.”
“And when you said as much to Farrell—”
“He told me he was doubtful of his ability to conduct a successful defense based on a plea of innocent.” She drew herself up. “So I decided to find someone who could.”
“And you came to me.”
“Yes.”
The little lawyer had seated himself. Now he was doodling idly on a lined yellow scratch pad. “Do you know much about me, Mrs. Culhane?”
“Not very much. It’s said that your methods are unorthodox—”
“Indeed.”
“But that you get results.”
“Results. Indeed, results.” Martin Ehrengraf made a tent of his fingertips and, for the first time since she had entered his office, a smile bloomed briefly on his thin lips. “Indeed I get results. I must get results, my dear Mrs. Culhane, or else I do not get my dinner. And while my slimness might in
dicate otherwise, it is my custom to eat very well indeed. You see, I do something which no other criminal lawyer does, at least not to my knowledge. You have heard what this is?”
“I understand you operate on a contingency basis.”
“A contingency basis.” Ehrengraf was nodding emphatically. “Yes, that is precisely what I do. I operate on a contingency basis. My fees are high, Mrs. Culhane. They are extremely high. But they are due and payable only in the event that my efforts are crowned with success. If a client of mine is found guilty, then my work on his behalf costs him nothing.”
The lawyer got to his feet again, stepped out from behind his desk. Light glinted on his highly polished black shoes. “This is common enough in negligence cases. The attorney gets a share in the settlement. If he loses he gets nothing. How much greater is his incentive to perform to the best of his ability, eh? But why limit this practice to negligence suits? Why not have all lawyers paid in this fashion? And doctors, for that matter. If the operation’s a failure, why not let the doctor absorb some of the loss, eh? But such an arrangement would be a long time coming, I am afraid. Yet I have found it workable in my practice. And my clients have been pleased by the results.”
“If you can get Clark acquitted—”
“Acquitted?” Ehrengraf rubbed his hands together. “Mrs. Culhane, in my most notable successes it is not even a question of acquittal. It is rather a matter of the case never even coming to trial. New evidence is discovered, the actual miscreant confesses or is brought to justice, and one way or another charges against my client are dropped. Courtroom pyrotechnics, wizardry in cross-examination—ah, I prefer to leave that to the Perry Masons of the world. It is not unfair to say, Mrs. Culhane, that I am more the detective than the lawyer. What is the saying? ‘The best defense is a good offense.’ Or perhaps it is the other way around, the best offense being a good defense, but it hardly matters. It is a saying in warfare and in the game of chess, I believe, and neither serves as the ideal metaphor for what concerns us. And what does concern us, Mrs. Culhane—” and he leaned toward her and the dark eyes flashed “—what concerns us is saving your son’s life and securing his freedom and preserving his reputation. Yes?”