„It wasn"t that fast," I said, stil sour.
„That just proves my point," he said as he shuffled away from me.
„What does that mean?"
„Nothing. I just don"t want to be a cause of distraction for you."
It was like he went into some other world when he spoke like that. Quietly. Lately, he was insular. It wasn"t like him.
„Well," I continued, trying to shake off his cryptic words. „What were you and Magda talking about then?" I was not ready to give in.
Lincoln sat up on the floor, crossing his legs and I did the same. He studied me for a while and finally sighed.
„While she was away, she came across a small group of exiles. Over the course of her holiday she gradually took them out. Anyway, one of them was a telepath so she was able to probe into some of his thoughts. It turned out he worked for an exile called Nahilius."
„That"s who that jock-exile who killed all the homeless people warned you about. You said he was no concern," I didn"t hide my suspicious tone.
„He won"t be, soon." He dropped his head and when he spoke again his voice was different. „Nahilius is the exile who went after my Mum. Magda made the exile she was hunting tell her where Nahilius was, which was here. When she got back, that"s what she was telling me."
„Well, why couldn"t you tell me that?" I asked, not ready to let go of the hurt.
„Because, if cancer hadn"t kil ed my Mum, he would have. He ruined her, Vi, ruined her last months alive, took everything she"d worked for and I couldn"t save her until it was too late. I swore I"d make him pay and I promised myself I"d never let anyone else u love be hurt by him." He stopped, like he"d already said too much.
„But you let Magda help you?"
„Yes."
„Because you trust her?" I added through the lump in my throat. Trust was the basis of love. The terrible idea stirred that perhaps he didn"t even realise he was in love with her.
He shook his head. „Yes, but don"t make it out to be something it isn"t. and anyway …"
He stopped again, mid-sentence.
The silence between the two of us said everything.
And it doesn"t matter because we can never be together anyway.
My heart sank and I wanted to bolt, but instead I took a deep breath and tried my best to look at him, even if I couldn"t hold his eyes.
„Tell me everything then. What do you know about Nahilius? Do you know where he is?" I asked, hoping that at least we were finally communicating.
Lincoln looked around the room and then back to me and I could actually see it happening – he was locking up … and there was nothing I could do.
„I"m close. That"s all you need to know."
But I had to try.
I moved forward till we were only inches apart. I put a hand on his arm, petrified he"d swat me away. In one touch I tried, the way he seemed to be able to, to say all the things I couldn"t bear to say aloud – couldn"t bear to hear rejected.
„Linc, don"t shut me out. Please. I know you want to stop Nahilius and protect everyone at the same time, but you can let me help." And then I couldn"t stop myself, my hand travelled up to the side of his face and as I held it there I felt the energy between us and the searing heat of desire engulf me.
I was so close I could smell him, that soapy clean smell he always had, mixed in with the light sweat that reminded me I was with a man. Heat radiated from him and I wanted to be wrapped tight within his arms, but sitting there on the ground beside him, I could see he"d already put up the walls.
And in the end, I have to, too.
My eyes cast down and I let my hand slide from his face but before the last finger broke the contact he caught my hand in his, held it there – no, pressed it into his cheek. I looked up, our eyes locked and for one brief moment of indulgence before he let go, before my hand dropped to the ground, I was sure.
Sure, beyond all doubt.
He was my „other".
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
„ The course of true love never did run smooth."
William Shakespeare
It"s not a small thing, knowing that in this world you have a true match. It"s hard to keep a level head and avoid hyperventilating when everything inside you is exploding with new truth. Harder still to look at the person, the soul, your perfect complement, knowing he can"t be yours and you cannot ask him to be. Ever.
Lincoln had disappeared to have a shower and change. I was sure his main motivation was to get away from me. I didn"t blame him. Sometimes the air between us felt so thick it was barely breathable.
My wall, the one Lincoln had given me to paint, remained covered by a huge drop-sheet.
I"d been working on it off and on. I wasn"t much further than a double coat a primer and a huge awkward streak of green that I knew I"d probably have to return to white. Before he"d finally agreed to let me paint the wall, things had been so different. I was human, to start with. I wasn"t perfect. But I was just me, baggage and all. Now, everything had changed. I wasn"t sure what was left of that person – or who had taken her place.
I stared blankly at the wal and decided I wouldn"t touch it again until I was sure of what needed to be there. Until I knew who it was painting the wall.
Lincoln"s phone buzzed on the kitchen table.
I walked over and grabbed it as I called out to him.
No answer.
I looked at the screen, alight with a new text message. I hadn"t intended to read it, but it was half visible. And … I could see who it was from.
Have a good lead. City Comm Realty. If we don"t strike now, they"l -
The message ended there. To see more I"d have to open it and then Lincoln would know I"d been snooping. Why would Magda be tracking down a real estate company?
The distinctive click of Lincoln"s bedroom door startled me into action. I quickly replaced his phone, exactly where it had been before, angling it slightly towards the edge of the table, and darted back to my wall, where I pretended to be adjusting the drop-sheet. I heard him walking down the hall, heard his footsteps slow and stop outside the spare bedroom. The room with all his mother"s belongings locked away. He never goes in there but can"t bear to part with the sorry possessions that only remind him of what is no longer.
„Hey," he said, walking into the living area and then behind the breakfast bar. He opened the fridge.
I was still tugging awkwardly on the sheet, scared to look at him.
„You hungry?"
„No. I"m fine. I … I think your phone buzzed."
I listened as he closed the fridge, went to his phone and pressed a few buttons. I turned to face him in time to see him slide it into his pocket.
He fake-stretched and made a show of checking his watch. „I didn"t realise how late it was. I have to get going," he said, messing around with things, putting them away – he didn"t want to talk with me anymore. He grabbed his keys and wallet. He was barely making a show of being discreet, desperate to get out the door. Back to Magda.
It was as if everything that had just happened between us no longer mattered. We didn"t rate high enough, even though I was sure he"d felt the connection between us, too.
somewhere in those thoughts my frustration built to anger.
Why is it that every time I discover something new about myself, it only makes everything harder?
„What are you doing, Linc?" I asked, the tone of my voice alerting both of us to my temper.
I put my hands down on the opposite side of the breakfast bar and stared straight at him.
„Where are you going?"
„It"s just a thing I organised earlier." Lincoln"s eyes darted around the room.
„You"re avoiding talking to me? I think I deserve to know what"s going on." And it was true.
Lincoln ignored me at first and I thought he was going to snap back at me, but he just dropped his head.
„I made a promise to you, so I"m not going to lie, but I have to go out and I want that to be okay wit
h you."
„And what if it"s not?" I replied, daring him. I couldn"t help it, I hated knowing he was choosing Magda over me again.
„I"ve had to trust you in the past, Violet."
He used my full name – never good. I looked intently at my feet.
„I could ask you questions that are hard for you to answer," he pressed, „but I respect that if you think we should discuss something , you"l tell me."
He was skirting around something, turning this back on me somehow, and I could feel my anger morphing into panic.
„Well, don"t let me hold you back. Say whatever you want. Ask whatever you want."
His eyes snapped up briefly but, as if he couldn"t stop them, as if he couldn"t hold my gaze, they dropped again. When he spoke it seemed like it came from a far away place.
„Are you glad Phoenix is back?"
My throat tightened instantly. I could feel a rising blush, which I desperately wanted to smother. I bit down hard in the inside of my lower lip.
„No," I said in a too-meek voice. „Of course not," I added, trying to compensate.
Lincoln jolted and backed away from me a few steps.
„It would be understandable if you were … I mean, you two were … close."
„He was controlling my emotions," I said quietly through gritted teeth. Were we real y having this conversation? Now?
He sighed, „Yeah, he has all the control. Even now. He can hurt you and it doesn"t matter how strong I am, I can"t …" He stopped himself, or maybe it was the in his voice.
We both stood awkwardly for a moment until he shook his head, gave a kind of tormented half laugh and scooped up one of the leftover glasses of water only to smash it on the ground.
„He"ll always be there! Phoenix is a part of you and I can never change that!" he fisted his hands and I could see he was trying to calm himself down.
I felt myself flinching with fear. Not of him, but for him. My lower lip trembled and I tried to compose myself as I watched him fall apart in a particularly stoic manner.
„This doesn"t even sound like you. Can you hear yourself?" I asked.
It was like someone had been feeding him all these new thoughts, in addition to the ones already put there by Onyx. I was betting I knew who, too. Magda worked every situation to her favour.
Lincoln looked at his watch and clicked his jaw to the side.
„I have to go, Vi. This is something I need to take care of and I can"t be late to meet with Magda."
„So you"re meeting Magda," I said casually as I could.
„You read my phone," he said, resigned, but I could stil see the touch of anger.
„No," I said, nonchalantly. Actually, pathetically high-pitched. I scrunched up my face, not sure what to do with myself. I was a terrible liar.
He half smiled, returning to himself a bit. „Yes, I"m meeting Magda."
I wasn"t getting anywhere arguing with him so I took a calming breath trying to lighten my mood, too. „Nahilius?"
He nodded, but didn"t want to say more. At least he was being honest about it.
„And you only want to go with Magda?"
„It would be best that way," he said calmly, trying to keep the peace, but I could tell how anxious he was to leave.
I wanted to beg him to stay or at least take me with him. My stomach knotted, fighting with my mind, almost forcing me forward, pushing me towards him. But I didn"t move. I wanted him to trust me and confide in me the way he did with Magda.
I"d do anything for you.
Somehow, that very thought reminded me … I couldn"t ask anything of him. He wasn"t mine and I could never expect him to risk losing his strength, his powers as a Grigori, just so that he could be with me. It didn"t matter that I"d have done it for him in a heartbeat.
„I thought we were partners," I said, trying to keep an even tone.
„We are. I just … I can"t fight at my best with you at the moment." Lincoln ran a hand through his hair and looked towards the door again. An escape looked mighty appealing to me too after that comment.
„Right then," I mumbled, burying my chin in my shoulder.
His expression broke and seemed to soften. „Please try and understand – it will all be over soon and then you"l be … I know I"ve been distracted, but once this is over, I"l be better for it – better for you … as your partner."
I stared down at my feet and then headed over to start picking up the pieces of glass scattered across the floor. „Okay, Linc. I"l stay out of it."
„Thank you," he said, surprised. He walked up to the door and put on his coat. „Don"t worry about that. I"l clean up later."
„Actual y, I … I don"t need to be at Hades for a bit. I"m happy to stay and clean up – if you don"t mind?"
His shoulders dropped, relieved I"d made it so easy for him. „Sure. You know where the spare key is. Just lock up on your way out." He grabbed a backpack and opened the door.
„Lincoln!" I called. „What about meeting Griffin and the rest of us at Hades?"
„We"l meet up with you guys there if we can. If not, Magda will get the low-down from Griffin."
I stared at him in disbelief.
Is he real y so obsessed he"s going to miss his chance to hunt Phoenix?
He smiled. „Don"t worry. Griffin won"t go after them tonight – he"l want to do surveil ance first," he said, as if he"d read my mind.
His eyes fixed on mine for a moment before he closed the door. Beautiful green eyes –
yet steely. I had not seen them like that before. All emotion under tight lock and key.
I was desperate to reach him but he was further away than ever.
I watched the front door for a long time after he had closed it behind him. How had things come to this? Lincoln was managing me. We"d had our fair share of arguments, so tension was not something we weren"t accustomed to, but this was different. He was just shutting down, locking me out. He was cold and distant, as if everything we had everything we had between us, our friendship alone – no longer registered. He was so desperate to get his revenge on Nahilius, nothing else mattered. I was starting to think he was willing to pay just about any price to get it.
„Wel , not me," I said out loud.
I might have told Lincoln I would stay out of it, but lie-detecting wasn"t one of his strengths. For all his imploring me to stand aside, it really came down to one question; if it were me, if the roles were reversed, would Lincoln let me go off on some renegade mission if he had a strong feeling I was headed for nothing but trouble and regret?
Not on your life!
And neither would I
When things were at their worst, when I have needed someone to be there for me – it has always been Lincoln. Until recently, it didn"t matter what it was – training, protection, hel …
even a balanced diet – he had been the person I"d talked to, who"d backed me up. He was everything to me.
I was damned if I was going to sit back and take this shit. The whole thing with Nahilius had given him twisted blood. Since Magda had come back from her holiday, Lincoln had changed – he was losing himself.
I needed caffeine. There was still an hour or so until I was supposed to meet up with the others at Hades. I made a coffee, sat at the breakfast bar and drank it slowly while I re-evaluated everything that had happened over the last week. By the time I started on my third cup, I"d come up with a number of theories and only thing I knew for sure – I needed help.
-
Steph arrived a half hour later.
„Hey," she said, walking in and seeing that I was alone. She"d changed since the morning and looked great, her hair perfectly styled in the edgy spritzy look she had mastered and she was wearing skinny jeans and a green vintage top. Her best colour. She"d obviously been planning something much more interesting than hanging out with me. I felt guilty, but I couldn"t do this without her.
„You look better," she said, noticing I wasn"t limping. „What"s so urgent? Salvatore and I were at t
he mall. He needs new jeans."
„Jeans can wait. I need your brains."
„And you only just realised," she said, smiling. „What"s up?"
I rolled my eyes and then explained everything that had happened, and how Lincoln had been acting so awfully since he started pursuing Nahilius.
She was surprised to hear that Nahilius had infiltrated his mother"s company and I was glad that it stirred her interest, because the more intrigued she was, the more likely it was that my plan was going to work.
„So, basical y, this all goes back to Nahilius, to what happened to his mother," I summarised.
„I hear you. Corporate evil. But what is it you want me to do?"
„Linc wants me out of this. He only trusts Magda, for some, stupid reason, and I told him I wouldn"t get involved, but …"
„You plan on sticking your big nose in anyway?"
„Damn straight," I said, collapsing into a chair. „If we can find Nahilius before they do then I can help Linc finish this properly. I"m scared that if he finds Nahilius with Magda … he"l do something he"l regret."
Steph went to the fridge and helped herself to a Coke. She took her time, considering everything I had told her. After she"d positioned herself across from me at the dining table and taken a sip of her drink, she looked up and squirmed.
„What?" I demanded, automatically defensive.
„No offence or anything, but what"s he going to regret? I mean, don"t you guys have a 007
licence to kil exiles, anyway?"
„It"s not like that, Steph!" I snapped. „Sorry, it"s just … there"s a different between getting into combat with an exile and giving them a choice, hunting one down solely for vengeance, with only one plan. We"re supposed to give them a chance, Steph, and the way Lincoln was talking …"
„Got it. Where do I start?" Steph asked, all jokes halted. The knot in my stomach eased and I exhaled a few tight breaths before I filled her in on what I needed – which mostly involved gluing Steph to a compute and the library for the next couple of days.
„Done. I"l let you know when I find something," she said, while opening random kitchen cupboards, prying. „You realise he"s too clean for a guy?" she asked, pointing to the spice rack.