“Hey Missy.”
Oh my gosh, it’s Kevin. He never talks to me. I couldn’t hide the hopeless grin and wave of red that flushed my face.
“Hey Kevin.” At least he is grinning at me too. Or is he laughing at how silly I look?
“I am having a party Saturday for us seniors. You know like a farewell. My parents won’t be there so it will be fun. I was hoping you could stop by.”
Really? Me. He wants me at his party. “Uh… Ok. I’ll have to check with my parents.” After I said the word “Parents”, I knew the answer would be no.
“Cool.” He gave me a soft tap on my shoulder then
started to leave, but turned back around to face me again.
There’s more? I don’t believe this is happening and, of course, it’s during the last days of school. We could have had the duration of high school to be together. It’s okay though, better late than never. Who needs the high school drama anyway? We will be adults soon. Real love.
“Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I need you to help me with something.” He finally gave voice to the confusion in the air.
I can’t help, but anticipate his every word. “Will you go out with me?” Yes, Yes I can help you with that. I could feel my cheeks expanding as the biggest grin swept my face. Tone it down Missy you will scare him away.
I tried to be subtle in my retraction. “Uh ok, what is it?”
I can’t escape the weird feeling in my body. My heart feels so open and free. Like fairy dust. Or how I’d imagine it would be, if it were real.
“Well, the test in history. It’s the final and I have got to pass that class to graduate. I was hoping you could help me out.”
I’d love to help. “Sure, I’m available after school. I can tutor you any day you want.”
Kevin looked amused by my answer. “No, I don’t want you to tutor me. I have a personal trainer working with me in the afternoons to prepare for football next season. I don’t have time for tutoring. I was hoping you would not use the cover sheet. I know you did it before and I appreciate that. But this time she is going to really be watching us. And she has another teacher coming to help her. I can’t ask you during the test, I’d get caught. So I’m asking you now. One last time, will you help me?”
Instantly, I thought about what Phillip said about him using me. I knew it all along, but I like it. If I am honest with myself, I like the attention he is giving me. Even if it is conditional, he likes me. Still and all, I don’t know what to say. A wave of heaviness fell upon me. I can barely stand.
“I have to go.” I said quickly. I turned and ran away.
As I was leaving I heard him say “Just think about it ok. One last time...”
My eyes swelled with tears. When I need to get away, I find myself in the bathroom quite often. I locked myself in a bathroom stall. It’s like that old song “If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.” (But for completely different reasons, of course) I am always right. But what if I wasn’t? What if I could be wrong, bad? Not all relationships start with equal feelings. He may start liking me because I help him and then it turn into so much more. How will I know, if I don’t try? It’s not rocket science. Come on Missy.
My stomach twisted and turned. Why do I always have to have a conscience? Can I please just have a week off? I sat on the toilet and lowered my head to my knees. I rubbed my hands through my hair then tightened my fingers slightly pulling hair on the sides of my head. Who am I? Am I not better than this? Am I not good enough for someone to like me for me? All I need is one chance.
I waited for Phillip to make it to the car. “What took you so long?” I questioned him.
Even though it was only seven minutes after the bell, I was ready to leave four hours ago.
“Nothing, I was talking to some of my friends. I didn’t know you were in a hurry.” He looked at me after he sat in the car. “What happened?”
I want to talk to him, but I can’t. I think I have had enough embarrassment for one day. Phillip isn’t an “I told you so” type person, but he did tell me so. And he told me something I already knew. So I don’t know why when faced with it, it still hurts so badly.
“Nothing,” I responded without looking at him.
“Just tell me what happened, Missy. You know you can talk to me.” He looked concerned. He must be able to see the remnants of the tears that had freshly fallen.
“I talked to Kevin today. He invited me to a party at his parents’ house.”
He knew there was more.
“But?” He tried to push for more information.
“But what?” I asked. It is so irritating that there has to be a “but”. Why couldn’t Kevin just want to hang out with me? Why did there have to be a “but”?
“You haven’t been crying tears of joy, Missy. What else happened?”
He was right. It isn’t his fault there is a “but” it’s mine. I knew what Kevin wanted from the jump.
“But… he wants to cheat off me for the history final.” I looked at Phillip. Another tear rolled down my face. “Why couldn’t he just want to hang out with me? What is wrong with me?”
Phillip touched my leg. “It’s okay Missy. You are not the problem. Kevin is not worth the tears. He is too self-absorbed to care about anybody else. There is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful, smart, and kind. You are a prize to be won. The only thing holding you back is you. You don’t believe in yourself. You are scared to let people see the real you. You hide behind the clothes, your hair, anything you can. You tone yourself down. If you let people see you, you would be amazed by the response. I’m not saying get ‘loose’; I’m saying get comfortable in your own skin. You are so much better than Kevin.”
Deep down inside, I know he is right. I am scared.
“All I need is one chance. I have done it before. If I do this, it will open the door to so much more.”
Phillip looked at me like I had a serious problem. Part of me knew I deserved it, so I didn’t confront him.
“Missy, you have nothing to prove to this loser. And what exactly do you think your prize will be? An egotistical ham that cares only about himself. Oh wait, you want to be his test buddy in Alabama too. Good for you, Missy… The man should come to you not with a proposition, but a proposal. It’s about what he will do for you, not the other way around. Your heart is the one to be won. Just wait, one day the right one will find you. If you don’t know your worth, no one else will. And trust me, if you let some random guy decide it for you, it will be the cheapest rate possible so that you are affordable.”
I let out a slight laugh. I had never thought about it like that, merchandise theme. I know he is right. I love how honest he is with me, even if it hurts.
“Thanks Phillip.” I flashed him a smile, cranked the car and drove us home.
“Mom,” Phillip called for mom as we walked into the kitchen. She had already started supper and was cutting vegetables.
“Mmmm smells good.” I said as I grabbed a plum out the fridge.
“How was your day?” Mom asked.
“Great. I got a ‘B’ on my math test. Should end up with a ‘B’ overall.” Phillip started.
A smile spread over my mom’s face. “That’s great Phillip.”
Phillip isn’t a “Straight A” student, but mom always encourages us to do our best regardless of the grade.
“And you, Missy?”
I didn’t have any highlights. It was just another day. “It was ok, I guess.”
Mom looked a little displeased with my answer.
I know her and dad don’t know what to think about me. I have changed and hold a lot in. They don’t want to push me, but they are interested in my life. I get it. I just don’t want to talk about it…
“Flowers…they are beautiful” I said changing the subject. T
he white lilies smelled very good.
“Your dad gave them to me earlier.” She replied with a blushing grin.
He must be leaving again. Most surprise trips come with flowers. But I’d keep that comment to myself, even though she already knows.
“Dad sure does know how to pick them. Beautiful.” I went to my room.