Evergreen-colored eyes glinted mischievously at me as she practically strangled my neck in a return hug. “I missed you, Brynn, and so did Uncle Lane. He hasn’t smiled the whole time he’s been here, not even when I took him to see the horses at Daddy’s new job.” She pulled back and put her small hands on my cheeks. Her tiny face screwed up in a severe and intent expression. She always seemed to know more and see more than normal girls her age. I thought I was immune to being examined by an inquisitive seven-year-old, but the way she saw through me was still unnerving and unsettling. She shouldn’t have that much knowledge of how screwed up, and flawed people could be at such a young age. “I’m glad you brought his smile with you, and I’m happy you brought me a gift. Can I have it now?”
Lane broke into our quiet conversation that wasn’t quite as quiet as I’d hoped. “Later, Daye. Let’s grab some food and give Brynn a few moments to relax after traveling all day. I’m sure your dad and Em are excited to spend some time with her too. What do you feel like eating, little bit?”
Daye turned around in a flurry of blonde curls and excited sounds. She clapped her hands together and smiled up at her uncle, showing every one of her missing teeth. “Sushi!” She said it with such glee that Lane had to struggle to hide his horrified expression. I swallowed down a laugh after catching the look on his face. There wasn’t anything close to traditional sushi in Sheridan, Wyoming.
Lane ran a hand through his nearly black hair, messing up the dark strands even more than they already were. “You like sushi? Since when?”
My guess would be the little girl’s tastes were widening and expanding in any multitude of ways now that Emrys and her father had shown her just how big and exciting the world could be. I’d never wanted anything more than to find my place and make my home in the familiar comfort of the Wyoming wilderness, but Daye, she was too smart and had already lived too much life to accept what was as what will always be. She was embracing change with vigor and excitement only found in youth.
“She’s a California girl now. Of course, she likes sushi.” I let the laugh out as Lane scowled at me, still barely containing his disgust at the idea of eating raw fish. “Don’t worry. I’m sure they have something on the menu that you can eat.” I inclined my head toward the rental car. “Want me to follow you or meet you at the house?” I was going to have to GPS my way back. There were a lot more roads in northern California than there were in Sheridan and a lot more traffic. Everything was busy and moved so fast, driving felt like a full-contact sport on these roads. Getting back to Sutton’s place was going to take nerves of steel and white knuckles on the steering wheel now that I didn’t have a missing cowboy to distract me and occupy my mind.
Lane gave the sensible rental a once over, and then shifted his gaze to where his lifted, beast of a truck was parked. I’d seen the mud-splattered, red four-by-four from a mile away, and the familiar sight made my heart thump so loudly I couldn’t hear the blaring horns honking at me as I dared to drive the speed limit. That truck meant Lane was close by and everything would be okay once I could touch him, and talk to him. Everything would go back to normal and the home I had sacrificed for would once again be a place where I felt like nothing bad could ever touch me again.
“Follow me. We’ll eat there and grab something to take back to the house. That gives Sutton another hour to do whatever it is he’s doing with Em.” The knowing gleam in his gaze said he knew exactly what it was that his older brother was doing with Emrys. “We can drop Daye and the food off and then head back to the airport so you can ditch the rental.”
I blinked at him in surprise as I tried to follow his train of thought. “I was just going to drop it off when I flew home.” I didn’t see any reason to make an unnecessary trip to the airport. All the people coming and going was overwhelming. It was like I’d stepped off the plane into a whole new world, one that was waiting to swallow me whole and run me over.
“When were you planning on flying home?” Gentle curiosity colored his tone as he watched me carefully.
I shifted anxiously on the heels of my boots and nervously tugged on the ends of my long hair. “I don’t know. I bought a one-way ticket since I didn’t know how long I was going to have to beg and plead with you to come back to the ranch. I figured I would leave my options open in case you sent me on my way without hearing me out.” Dread that he wouldn’t even see me when I came all this way ate at my insides from the moment I stepped on the plane until his arms had wrapped securely around me in a hug that I would never forget. Being in his arms felt more like coming home than any time I’d walked through the door of the ramshackle home my mother kept on the reservation, or anytime I’d managed to hide away at the Warner ranch.
He cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes at me. “I’ve always listened to what you had to say, Brynn. Even when the words hurt.”
The “yes” that ended everything we may have been to one another. I could still feel the way that word ripped my heart to shreds and turned my future upside down.
I sighed. “Things are different now, Lane. You left.” I couldn’t keep the hint of betrayal and hurt that colored my tone hidden.
A frown pulled at the corners of his mouth as he moved away to put his boots on. He was looking at the ground, tension tight along the line of his broad shoulders when he muttered, “I know I did. I took the easy way out. I thought things would be even harder than they already were if I stayed.”
I scoffed and gave my head a shake. “Things were worse with you gone.” At least I was far worse without him there.
I broke Jack’s heart, and that made me feel terrible. He didn’t deserve to come in second to a man who couldn't or wouldn’t love me the way I’d always wanted. But as bad as hurting Jack made me feel, the guilt of those emotions couldn’t touch the gnawing ache that consumed my insides at not being able to talk to Lane about how wrong everything had gone. He was my constant. He was my equilibrium.
When he left, he took years of reassurance and comfort with him. I didn’t belong on the ranch when Lane wasn’t there. The place I tried so hard to make mine felt like it was too wide and open when the youngest Warner wasn’t there to take up the extra space with his effortless wit and charm. I didn’t fit without him there to fill in the gaps. He represented my reason for being there. With Cy doing his thing with Leo, and many roads and state lines separating Sutton from Sheridan, Lane was the last stronghold for my place on the ranch. Without him there, I had no purpose and was left floating adrift and not tethered to anything.
He arched a dark eyebrow. “I’m in no rush to get back to the mess I’m sure we both left behind. I was planning on hanging out with Sutton for a few more days then making my way back home. There’s no reason we can’t make the drive together…unless you would rather fly?”
I stared at him in silence for a long moment, weighing his words carefully. It had to be more than a thousand miles between Sacramento and Sheridan. That was hours and hours of him and me alone in his truck. We purposely avoided being alone when we were at the ranch. There were many awkward moments of silence and words we wanted to say but couldn’t. On the one hand, it was all I ever wanted. Lane Warner, with no place to escape me and our tangled, tormented history. We would finally be forced to put the past to rest, whatever that meant for us moving forward. On the other hand, the idea of being alone with him, trapped in that horrible, uneasy silence that plagued us since the second I said “yes” all those years ago made my skin crawl. There was no guarantee that Lane was ready to lance the wounds we’d both caused that had long been infected and festering. He seemed content to pretend things were fine when they were anything but.
He rubbed his thumb along the corner of his mouth and gave me that grin of his that ensured he got whatever it was he wanted. “We can even take a few days and go to the Grand Canyon and Vegas if you don’t mind adding a few stops and several hundred miles onto the trip. I’ve never really been anywhere outside of home and who knows when we
’ll get the chance to see it all again.”
He was so persuasive with that charismatic smile and the soft look in his eyes.
Daye caught my attention as she reached for my hand. She was bouncing on her toes, eyes as excited as her uncle’s. “You have to say yes. It sounds like so much fun. I want to go to the Grand Canyon one day. Did you know that you can ride horses down to the bottom?” She had the Warner charm already and did she ever know how to use it.
“That does sound like fun, but are you sure I wouldn’t cramp your style? Especially in a place like Vegas.” I couldn’t disguise the hesitation in my tone.
Lane never made it a secret that he liked the ladies, the flashier and easier the better. Vegas was built for a guy looking for a good time, and Lane was always up for some fun. There was no way I was hitching a ride with him if it meant that I was going to have front row seats for all of his bedroom antics. I was willing to suffer through a lot to get him back where he belonged, but my battered heart couldn’t take watching him with other women anymore. That was one thing about our tenuous relationship that had to change.
He chuckled softly and hooked his thumbs into the front pockets of his jeans. The action pulled the denim down low on his hips flashing a strip of hard, tanned skin. I knew that under his t-shirt he was rocking more than a six pack and had a body littered with carved muscles and sharp lines. Ranch life had blessed all the Warner boys with bodies to die for, but somehow Lane ended up looking the best of all of them. He was the quintessential cowboy, rugged and rough in all the best ways. Too bad he knew it and used every inch of that delectable body to his advantage. I couldn’t remember the last time he spent the night alone. All his conquests had to creep past my bedroom door to make their early morning getaway, and there was always a steady stream of them.
“No, Brynn. You absolutely won’t cramp my style. In fact, I can’t imagine anyone else I would want to drive around the country with. I think we could both use the break from our reality and time away from it all. I promise to behave. So,” he lifted his eyebrows and gave me that panty-melting grin. “Are you in or out?”
We watched each other, neither of us giving anything away. I wanted to go with Lane more than I wanted my next breath but I couldn’t tell if he wanted me to tag along with the same ferocity. It was the story of my life, a vicious cycle of wanting Lane Warner. Me wanting him and him not deciding what he wanted.
Was I in or out?
Of course, I was in… I was all in. I was in so deep with him there was no hope of me ever finding my way out. There was only one response to his question that I could give, my brain and my heart wouldn’t allow any other one.
“I’m in.”
Chapter 3
Lane
Close or Far
My older brother watched me out of the corner of his eye as we sat on the back deck of his house. Sutton had moved his family close enough to the ocean that I could hear the rhythmic sounds of the water lapping against the shore. Every breath I inhaled held the flavor of the sun, salt, and sand. It was calming in an entirely different way than the vast quietness and stillness of Wyoming.
I could see why Sutton loved it here. He’d found his place and his peace. He even looked like he fit in with the laid-back California vibe that seemed to be everywhere. His sandy hair had lightened a couple of shades, making it gold where it hung long and shaggy around his face. He’d traded his boots for a canvas pair of Vans, and his too-tight Wranglers were nowhere to be seen. Instead, he was wearing loose board shorts that he’d paired with a plain white wife beater. He looked like he was ready to catch some waves and nothing like the guy who taught me everything I knew about roping and riding. But it was more than just the clothes he wore that had changed; there was something different about him…something more settled and less chaotic than he’d always been.
He also looked happy.
But at this moment, there was deep concern shining out of his dark green eyes as he continued to watch me sip the beer Emrys brought out to me a couple of minutes ago. She also brought Sutton a can of soda and a kiss. The brush of her lips was partly because they couldn’t keep their hands off one another, but I could sense the apology in it as well. Sutton wasn’t drinking, not now, and not for the foreseeable future. It was a new development, one that was necessary and drastic, but we’d almost lost him to the bottom of the bottle and demons that didn’t want to be exorcised. I couldn’t hide how thrilled I was that he didn’t so much as glance at my beer longingly.
His attention was focused solely on me and my reaction as he asked pointedly, “You sure you’re up for this, kiddo? That’s a long ass drive with just the two of you, and you’ve barely been able to be in the same room together for the last decade.” That was more on me than on her. I didn’t know what to do with the Brynn who turned me down when I asked her to marry me. I had no idea how to navigate her being my stepmother, even if it was just a technicality. So, I dodged and deflected to avoid dealing with the inescapable truth of our circumstances.
The truck was packed, and we were ready to go after a long weekend of rest and relaxation. Brynn spent most of her days helping Emrys get ready for the baby. They shopped more than I knew was possible. She spoiled Daye rotten and did a good job pretending she hadn’t just walked away from a man who would have given her everything. At night she would disappear, and no one commented when she came back to the house with her face tearstained and her feet covered in sand. A midnight stroll along the beach was as good as anything else when it came to helping deal with the onslaught of emotions she must be feeling.
But, Sutton was right. Not once when she slipped out the door did I get up and follow her. I didn’t ask her if she was okay or what I could do to help because I knew I was part of the problem. I figured she didn’t need the guy who ruined everything good in her life trying to make amends. She had enough on her plate, and I hoped with this spontaneous road trip back home, we could finally get back to the place where she shared every morsel from that plate with me without stopping to think. When we were younger, what was mine was hers without question, and vice versa. It hadn’t been until we got older and our friendship changed that we started picking and choosing which parts of ourselves we were going to share with one another. I missed having all of her, and I was sick and tired of hiding all the parts of me that were hurting and damaged from our history from everyone, including her.
I used my thumbnail to pick at the peeling edge of the label on the bottle in my hands. “Brynn’s always been my best friend, Sutton. She gets me in a way no else ever has. I miss being able to talk to her about anything. I miss knowing I have someone at my back and on my side no matter what.” I blew out a heavy sigh. “She’s always been the most important person in my life, even if I didn’t treat her that way. I’d like to fix our friendship if nothing else, and I think this trip can do that. We’re not going to have anyone else to talk to but each other.” And I had a lot to say. An entire lifetime’s worth of apologizing to do. I needed the time with her to figure out if I could risk losing her by asking her for more than I’d ever asked from her before.
Sutton used one sneakered foot to push off the deck and rocked his chair up onto two legs. He pulled his gaze away from mine with a scowl. “You know Cyrus and I have your back no matter what, and we’re both going to be on your side forever. You’re never alone when you’re a Warner. You don’t need to drag Brynn halfway across the country to know that.”
I cringed not thinking that his older brother instincts would hone in on that. “I know you do, Sutton. Both of you have been there for me whenever I needed anything, but it was different with Brynn. Whatever I did, whatever mistakes I made, she never made me feel like I was letting anyone down but myself. She let me be me, not the impulsive little brother, or Boyd Warner’s youngest son. She stood by me because she wanted to, because she believed in me. Not because of familial obligation. She forced me to see that Mom leaving and continually finding fault with everything I did w
as about her, not about me.”
Knowing I had someone to lean on like that had gotten me through my oldest brother leaving for college, my mom appearing and disappearing for the entirety of my childhood, and finally my dad’s illness. When Boyd Warner told his boys he had stage four prostate cancer, and the prognosis wasn’t good, his oldest had immediately shifted gears to get his ass home. His middle boy had shut down emotionally but effortlessly stepped into the role of ranch foreman with no question. And me as the youngest, the one who was his happy, jokester son had pulled on a brave mask and taken on the part of family cheerleader. No one was allowed to wallow and be fatalistic and grim. I took it upon himself to make sure his father’s last days held nothing but good memories, laughter, and cheer. But underneath that mask, I was a wreck. I was shattered. I cried every night alone in my room and wondered what I was going to do when my dad was gone. He was my hero. My mentor. I was lost and so alone, not wanting either of my stoic brothers to see the way I was breaking inside. I tried to hold my family together, but Brynn, she was the only thing keeping me from falling apart.
She let me cry on her shoulder when no one else was around and didn’t make me feel weak for breaking down. She made sure we all stayed fed and that Boyd never once missed a doctor’s appointment. She was the one who tried to make me laugh when I was exhausted beyond measure trying to do the same thing for everyone else. She was the person who stayed hopeful and optimistic, even as it became apparent the end was getting nearer. And possibly the most important thing she did was remind all of us every single day that our dad loved us and that even when he was gone that love would remain forever.
Brynn knew. She never let me wear the mask around her. She held all the ugly jagged pieces of my broken heart in her hands, holding onto them for me until I was strong enough to put them back together. There was no artifice with Brynn, and I missed that. I couldn’t hide behind my smile and charm with her. She saw how angry at my mother I was and how devastated I was by the inevitable loss of my father. She knew how desperately I wanted to live up to the expectations set by my brothers before me, and how I struggled to find my own identity coming up in life behind the both of them. She never underestimated me or discounted that I could be as ruthless and merciless as my older siblings when it came to protecting mine and those I was loyal to. She was there right alongside me as Boyd raised me to be a man who knew what was important and how to fight for the things that mattered. Defeat wasn’t in the Warner vocabulary, which is why I was determined to use this trip home to repair all the damage that we did to our relationship over the years. I couldn’t take the divide anymore.