Chapter Fifteen
Safe inside the diner, where the dreams are unlikely to escape again, I let myself enjoy the low chattering hum of the other customers. Hot greasy smells waft out from the kitchen, burning away the lingering stench of smoke. I smile and lean into the booth. It squeaks as I move, but the sound is quickly lost to the din.
“Does everyone in town come here?” I ask, surprised by how packed the restaurant is.
“Pretty much,” Tanner admits. “There isn’t a lot of choice in restaurants here, but they do make great hamburgers, so it doesn’t seem to bother anybody.”
I nod my head, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. I have to admit that I don’t hate Grainer quite as much as I did a few days ago, but I am willing to bet that has more to do with Tanner’s presence than the charm of country living. If only my family’s history wasn’t hanging over my head, I would feel completely at home.
“Do you really hate it here,” Tanner asks as if reading my thoughts.
“It’s not as bad as I thought it would be.”
I smile. Tanner brightens. I know I must be acting a little sullen, but as the day grows closer to its end it’s harder for me to keep my thoughts light. Keeping my eyes on the table, I watch the approaching waitress deliver our order. Absentmindedly, I pick up the burger and take a bite. If I wasn’t happy before, I am now. It is insanely delicious.
“This is amazing,” I mumble.
Tanner smiles and dives into his own burger. Not surprisingly, Tanner finishes his meal quickly. I eat hungrily, but have to give up on the oversized hamburger after barely eating half of it.
“I can’t believe you ate all of that,” I say, genuinely impressed.
Tanner shrugs, not in the least bit embarrassed. “You’d probably be surprised how much I can eat. My mom complains every time me and the guys get hungry, but she doesn’t really mind it.”
“My mom was the same way with my brother. She hasn’t quite gotten used to not having him around to finish off the leftovers. She keeps cooking these big meals, but most of the time it’s just me and her,” I say.
David would think it was hilarious, watching my mom’s expression every night when we finish dinner and still have enough food for two or three more people. I try to picture him laughing at her foolishness, but that only sends a pang through my chest. Will I ever see him laugh again? I wonder.
“Where is your brother?” Tanner asks. I instantly wish I could change the topic.
“Oh, he’s still in Manhattan. He’s going to NYU in the fall.”
“Is he working or something?” Tanner asks. “Since he didn’t come with you guys, I mean. I was just wondering.”
Glad that Tanner is keeping the conversation going, even if it is directed at David’s whereabouts, I try to shake off my pessimism and answer. “Yeah. When my parents moved out here, David had two choices, come out here until school started or get his own apartment. Obviously, he went with getting an apartment, which was expensive, which meant he had to get a job.”
“Your dad doesn’t pay for his apartment?” Tanner asks. His question is purely curious, but his ears turn crimson immediately. “I’m sorry, that was really rude. It’s none of my business. I just thought that with your dad being a doctor, he might still help your brother out. I didn’t mean to pry.”
Laughing at his hurried explanation, I watch relief wash over him. His question didn’t offend me in the least. I know a lot of kids have their room and board as well as their tuition paid by their parents. And not just the ones with doctors in their families.
“No, my parents are going to help him pay for college, since it’s so expensive, but they insist he pay for his day to day stuff like food and his apartment. My mom and dad are big on personal responsibility,” I explain.
“My dad paid for everything when he was in school. My grandpa wanted to help, but he just couldn’t afford to. My dad said he saw lots of his friends who just got everything paid for fail out or turn into total bums. He says he wants us to be ready for the real word after college, not come crying to him when things get hard.”
A smile plays on my lips. “I think his real reason is that he wants to make sure we never try to move back in with them once we’re gone.”
“Probably,” Tanner agrees. “My mom reminds me daily that once I move out, which she says better be the day after I graduate from high school, I’m never coming back for more than a short visit.”
Grinning, I try to picture Tanner’s petite mother trying to keep him out of the house. I can’t help but laugh. Being the town ice cream lady, it seems terribly cliché, but his mom is wonderfully sweet. “I doubt she could ever turn anyone away, especially you.”
“You don’t know my mom,” Tanner says with a laugh. “She’s pretty tough.”
I smile again. The diner noise is slowly winding down. I look around and see that more than half of the patrons have already left. Flickering just outside the window draws my attention. One by one the street lamps spark to life. Dusk has already arrived and night won’t be far behind. My mood shifts, pushing out the pleasant ambiance of the diner.
We talk a little longer, but my mood puts a damper on the night and Tanner offers to take me home. I want more than anything to slide over next to him when we get in the truck and ask him to put his arm around me again. But even in my funk, I am well aware of the impression that might give him.
Ever the gentleman, Tanner gets out of the truck and walks me up to the front door. The fading daylight seems to wrap around us as we stand facing each other. A warm breeze stirs the lilac bushes in our front yard, spreading their sweet scent. My gaze turns away from the house and I find myself staring at the remnants of a beautiful sunset. A small smile finds its way to my lips.
“I have to admit,” I tell Tanner, “I never got to see sunsets like this in Manhattan.”
That seems to be some kind of cue for Tanner. He slips behind me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. I don’t resist leaning into his chest. “We do have some beautiful sunsets here.” He pulls me in a little tighter. “The sunrises are even better though, especially when you watch them from the beach. Someday you’ll have to let me kidnap you before dawn and we can watch one together.”
“I would love that,” I say quietly. I struggle to keep the tears from my eyes. I don’t want Tanner to misinterpret me crying over his suggestion, and I don’t want to explain the real reason. Trying to keep the conversation light, I say, “What would we do after watching the sunrise? Do you know how to surf? I’ve always wanted to learn.”
“I’m not the best surfer, but I can show you the basics. Evan is actually really good, though it’s hard make him be serious long enough to teach anyone.”
I laugh. “I can imagine.”
“My friend Bas, that’s who you’d want to teach you. He’s crazy good, but you’ll have to wait until August.”
“Why? Where is he?”
Tanner smoothes down a section of my hair that must have been in his face. “His family goes to Ireland for part of every summer to visit relatives. They won’t be back until school starts.”
I cringe, knowing I most likely will never meet this guy. “Well,” I say quietly, “you can teach me the basics for now.”
For several moments we simply enjoy the sunset together. Eventually, Tanner shifts just enough to warn me that he will pull away soon. But before he does, he leans closer and says, “You know, if you ever need to talk, I’m not that far away.”
Tanner steps back then. I turn and immediately reach out for a hug. “Thank you, Tanner.”
I watch him walk back down the porch steps and continue to his truck. He looks back several times, an expression of concern playing on his features. The desire to call him back is hard to resist, but I know I have already pushed my luck staying gone so long. After waving goodbye, I turn back to my house with a sigh.
Pushing into the house well after dark, I am not surprised to find my dad waiting for me in t
he living room. Tanner drifts to the back of my mind. My dad’s expression is odd. I don’t know what it means. I drop the backpack I took with me to my grandpa’s on the floor and go over to sit by my dad on the sofa.
“Grandpa called you, didn’t he?” I ask, wondering if I am in trouble for being gone so long.
“Of course,” my dad reassures me. “Grandpa called after lunch and told us where you were going. You stayed out a little longer than I expected, but I’m glad you’re making friends. You should invite Tanner over some time. I’d like to meet the boy that has my daughter so captivated.”
“Dad,” I whine, “we’re just friends.”
“You sure stood on the porch with him for a while for being just friends.”
I bump against my dad’s shoulder. “Please, Dad. He’s nice, and he makes me hate living here a little less.”
“Alright, alright, maybe your mother can just invite his whole family over for dinner this weekend,” my dad says casually.
“You’re impossible.”
I wish Tanner was the most important thing on my mind right now. I feel bad encouraging him when I may not be able to continue the relationship past Friday, but I can’t bring myself to stay away from him. Every minute spent with Tanner is time I don’t have to spend worrying about dreams and photographs.
“Are you doing alright, honey?” my dad asks, watching my expression carefully. “I know this move hasn’t been easy for you, but I’m glad you’ve been spending time with my dad. He’s really missed having the family around. I appreciate that you want to spend time with him.” He pauses again to look at me more closely. I try to smile for him, hiding the pain I’m feeling. He frowns at my failed attempt, but says nothing.
“Did you eat yet?” he asks me. I nod and smile in earnest. Dinner was wonderful and Tanner walking me up to house was even better. I can still feel the warmth of his body against mine.
“What did you do with grandpa this morning?” my dad asks, breaking into my thoughts. “He couldn’t have been telling stories the whole time.”
“We talked about family mostly. He told me a lot about his sister and Katie,” I say. My dad looks away from me at the mention of his sister. “Do you ever worry that the same thing will happen to me, Dad?”
“No, of course not,” he says. I can see the lie blatantly on his face. “What happened to Katie was just an accident. Nothing is going to happen to you, Arra. Don’t worry about things like that. You don’t need to.”
“I wish I could have met her,” I say as I nestled into my dad’s waiting arms.
“I wish you could have too,” he says with a smile. “You two would have gotten along wonderfully. You remind me of her in more ways than just your looks.” He strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head. “She was very outgoing and friendly. She was always stirring things up, but she was a joy to be around.”
“You really miss her, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do. We were very close growing up. I know it’s been a long time since she died, but I’ve never missed her any less over the years.”
I look up at him with sadness in my eyes. Is he going to carrying around his misplaced guilt for the rest of his life? I wish I could explain to him that Katie’s death had nothing to do with him, but I know he would just dismiss it as one of his dad’s stories.
“The pain of losing Katie lessened slowly, but I’ll always miss her,” he says.
I bite my bottom lip. I want to ask my dad about Katie's death. I want to hear everything he remembers. The smallest detail may mean the difference for me. There is so little time left for me. I decide to risk getting a similar reaction when I asked about the pictures on the slim hope that he might give me some new insight.
“Do you remember the day she died?” I ask quietly.
My dad’s arm tightens around me and he doesn’t answer right away. Fearing our talk will end up just like the conversation at lunch, I desperately try to think of something to say, some way to take the question back.
“I remember every detail of that day,” he says. “Why all the questions about Katie? It’s not exactly a topic I like to discuss.”
“I just want to know about her. I didn’t even know I had an aunt until I found her picture,” I say feeling a little irritated at my dad’s desire to avoid answering my questions. “I just don’t like that I never knew about her. Don’t you think you might feel better if you talked about her more often?”
Smiling at me in a way that suggests he thinks my idea is naïve, he says, “Maybe that would be true if I didn’t feel so responsible for what happened.”
“Dad, it wasn’t your fault,” I say with conviction.
“I know it could have happened to anyone, but it didn’t. It’s just not as simple as saying it wasn’t my fault,” he says, taking his arm off my shoulders. “Now why don’t you head to bed? You look tired, and so am I.”
I sigh disappointedly. I will get no help from him tonight. He just doesn’t understand. Standing up next to him, I reach out for a hug and am received immediately. “Goodnight, Dad.”
“Goodnight, Arra. I’ll see you in the morning.”
I stay in the living room for a while after my dad goes to bed. My mom did some work on the photo albums this afternoon. She already took care of the extra mess I created. I notice a stack of photos lying on top of my forgotten novel. Reaching out, I pick them up and see Katie’s face staring up at me. My mom did this for me despite her irritation at me after upsetting my dad. Maybe she understands too that Katie should still be a part of our family. Very little escapes my mom’s noticed. Silently, I thank her for the thought and carry the pictures with me to my room.
Anxious for the somewhat unnerving day to end, I fear falling asleep. I was scared of the dreams before talking to my grandpa, when they were meaningless images playing in my mind. Now, I know that the dreams and the dead women are impossible to separate. There is no doubt in my mind that the dream girl is Kivera and that the dreams will soon fully reveal her fate. Again I felt that I’d rather not know. That knowing will do little to help.
But even as I think this, I know that I will continue seeking the truth. I can’t let go of the idea that I might be saved. If I let go of that hope I will lend myself to despair and confirm my fate. I have to keep going.
Fighting back the desperation I’m feeling, I slip into my bed still wearing today’s clothes. My hands tremble as I pull the blanket up to my chest. I force my eyes to close and wait for sleep and for the dreams to begin.