This entire day had been torture. I’d been such a wreck, I’d even skipped class. Every time I’d heard a set of feet coming down the hall, I’d thrown open the door, hoping they’d be his. None of them had, though.
I took an extra long shower at the end of the day, reminding myself through the shampooing and shaving that he promised he’d be back. Despite my best attempts at comforting myself, uncertainty was winning the battle.
I stood in front of the mirror above the row of sinks in the women’s bathroom and slipped into my makeshift pajamas (since I hadn’t done laundry in two weeks) which consisted of a knit skirt and linen top, attempting to empty my mind. I circled my hand over the mirror, removing the steam, and commenced ripping through the tangle of long hair that defined brown—not mahogany, or chestnut, or espresso. Just boring, blah brown.
A burst of laughter came through the door, distracting me from the thoughts I was trying to quiet.
“Oh, lookie who we have here,” the newcomer said as if to someone else, although I was the only other person in the room. The special way she could annunciate her annoyance helped me identify her before she sauntered up to the counter and her reflection sneered back at me.
She removed a chrome tube of lipstick from her bra. “You expecting a note from William?” she asked, sounding as innocent as a serpent. “Also known as my future husband.”
My breath caught at the same time my heart stopped. I felt my eyes widen as she traced her red lips with additional color.
“I’ll take that as a no,” she said, eyeing me over in such a way that I knew my surprise at her saying his name had not gone undetected.
“He doesn’t want to see you anymore.” She shrugged and continued outlining her lips. “He left OSU.”
You know how they say overwhelming information takes awhile to register? They’re wrong. The army of emotions that brigaded me was instant and overpowering. It took every ounce of strength to keep my legs working beneath me. I clutched at my stomach, not sure what was happening. He’d promised . . .
“Some guy handed me a note earlier and told me to give it to you,” she continued, grinning the entire time. “I only agreed to it because he was hot and said it had to do with William calling it off with you. Guess he finally came to his senses. I was wondering how long it would take him.”
“You read it.” I whispered, more as an affirmation than a question.
She looked delighted with herself, but why I didn’t understand. What was her motive for wanting to twist the knife in my heart now that it was inserted?
“I figured it wasn’t all that confidential if it wasn’t given to you directly. Sorry.” Her apology was void of any sincerity. She capped her lipstick, reinserted it in its hiding place, and pulled a piece of folded paper from the same area. “Have a nice night.” She placed the note on the counter beside me and shouldered past me.
I couldn’t look at it. Maybe if I didn’t look I could convince myself this wasn’t really happening.
The door burst open again and Melanie popped her head in. “Did you tell her?” she asked Amy.
“Message delivered,” Amy answered.
“But Paul said—”
“I don’t care what idiot boy said,” she snapped, shouldering past her friend out into the hall. “He might rule the school but he doesn’t rule this woman.”
“Great.”—Melanie shot me an apologetic smile—“Doesn’t exactly look like you put it gently.”
The door slammed shut behind them and I was left alone with the nightmare I should have known would be mine when he entered my life. Promises aside, he was exquisite—one of this world’s masterpieces—and I was the most normal, non-descript thing around. What had I expected?
I grabbed the folded note in front of me and stumbled out the door.
“Bryn,” an apprehensive voice called out behind me.
I didn’t pause or turn around. I had to get to my room where I could allow the pain to have its way with me.
“Come on, stop!” A hand grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. Paul’s face was lined with concern. “Are you alright? I can’t believe she did that.” He eyed the note in my hand and shook his head.
“What would you have preferred happen, Paul?” I questioned, my pain growing to anger, misguided as it was. “Everyone know about this except for me?”
He dropped his hand from my shoulder, looking hurt. “No. I just wanted to save you some heartache,” he whispered. “I knew you’d figure it out on your own eventually once he stopped showing his face around here. That,”—he pointed with his eyes at the note again—“is unneeded pain in your life.”
“Some plan,” I murmured, feeling my eyes filling with tears. “Just leave me alone, okay?”
I turned and ran down the hall, down the stairs and was out the front door before the first tear escaped. They were flowing by the time I crawled into my car and brought the engine to a roar. I tore out of the parking lot with only one destination in mind.
I’d lost him, just as I’d feared from the first day he entered my life. He’d broken up with me by leaving behind some crummy note he didn’t even have the courage to give to me directly. I should be furious beyond repair, but I wasn’t.
The man of my dreams I would never see again. I should be devastated beyond recognition, but I wasn’t. Mile after mile of the same highway I’d travelled with him just a day ago brought no other emotion but peace.
Halfway to my destination the tears stopped, and still the peace clung to me, as if this was his parting gift. He was gone, that was a fact, but why did he still feel so near? And why, despite everything, did I just not care? I searched my mind, trying to find some deep, philosophical reason, but the answer was simple and on the tip of my tongue. I loved him.
As inexperienced as I was when it came to loving a man, I knew what love was. It didn’t pick and choose what pieces of people to love, and it continued on even when the one you loved was no longer around.
I also knew you couldn’t choose who you loved, and knowing it would forever leave me alone, I made my choice: it was William. I’d given him my heart and I didn’t want it back, and in turn, he’d left behind a peace and clarity that was changing my world.