Why isn’t he screaming at me? Why, when he looks at me, do I feel special when I know I’m not?
I’m almost wishing Danny would wake up and demand my attention. He’s still asleep in the stroller, which is parked in the hallway. I find myself checking on him to see if he’s started to squirm, but he’s deep in baby sleep land. Hopefully his dreams are better than mine. Lately, nightmares make up my nights and I know it has to do with my fear of coping. Being a single mom is hard, but more than that it’s lonely. I know that now. I tuck my feet under me on the sofa. Charlie’s hair is a lot shorter than it used to be, but with his face he can pull it off.
He gives me another heated look, which I’m trying to ignore. “So what do you do all day?” he asks.
It’s such an innocent question, I know I shouldn’t feel angry because he doesn’t get how demanding being a parent is, but I find myself turning red.
Like he knows he’s said the wrong thing, Charlie rushes in with, “Shit, I bet it’s hard, but I’m just wondering about your life and Danny.”
“At the moment, when Danny’s sleeping, I’m studying and doing my GED work. I’m finishing my last year and in June, I’ll write my GED and graduate. And then I’m applying to university.”
“You still want to be a teacher?”
It’s always the small things Charlie remembers, and I love him more for it. “Yeah, that’s still my dream.” I stare deep into his brown eyes and wish he could read me like a book. I’m too afraid to find my voice, to speak the fears I’m trying hard to keep blanketed. Like Danny sleeping, being oblivious to the world would be easy. In my case, I’m hyperaware of time ticking away.
Charlie’s hand grasps mine. He moves closer. I feel his body heat and smell the clean scent of his soap. He still smells like Irish Spring and I find myself smiling.
“What’s so funny?”
“You. I would have thought the army wouldn’t allow Irish Spring soap.” I chuckle.
He laughs. “Oh, army soap is mean. It’s not for black people. I’ve never used so much lotion in my entire life. I’m not sure what was worse—surviving boot camp, or being nicknamed ‘scaly’ because the soap dried out my skin so much. First thing I did when I got home was take a long bath.”
“Yeah, knowing you, I bet there was a magazine in your hand.”
Charlie grins and his eyes light up. “And what magazine did you envision in my hand?”
I find myself blushing. We’re flirting. It almost feels like old times.
Charlie leans back on the sofa and, quick like a kayak, slides his arm around my shoulder. He hauls me closer. “Jen, I get that this has been hard. If I’d known—”
“You’d what?” I cut in, trying hard to maintain that concrete barrier I’d built up around my heart.
“I would have stayed,” he says softly, like he knows he’d regret it.
“Of course you would have. It wouldn’t have been right for you, though.”
He jumps up from the sofa. “What’s fair for you and Danny? I should have been here.”
I get up and force myself to close the space between us. “We’re okay.”
“Jesus, how can you say that, Jen? Don’t even try to pretend this is how you envisioned your life. You quit school.”
“Only temporarily,” I remind him, jumping up with nervous energy.
“You moved out of your home to live with your sister.”
“This is a lot better than living with Dad.” Why am I defending myself? I plunk back down on the sofa and steal another glance at the stroller. No little movements. Damn. Charlie sits beside me but his arms are resting on his legs and he looks like he’s thinking of something to say. It’s making me nervous.
“I’m…we’re going to be okay, Charlie.”
It’s then I realize he’s silently crying. My arms automatically wrap around his wide back. He doesn’t shake me off. I hear him mumble, “I’m such a fuck-up. This is all my fault.”
I move and kneel before him, forcing him to look at me. I capture his face in my hand. I need him to realize I’m not the same person I had been. Having Danny changed me. Maybe this isn’t how I thought my life would play out, and maybe coping is okay for now, but I certainly don’t need a knight in shining armor—or in my case, Charlie in his army fatigues—saving me. No way. Maybe at one time I wished for that, but this Jennifer grew up. Someone else counts on me now, and I won’t let him down.
“Charlie, it’s both our faults. We were young. We let our passion for each other rule our heads, and voilà. Do I regret Danny coming into my life? Not for one second.”
“How can you say that when he must remind you of me so much?”
I smile, hoping he’ll understand that’s exactly what makes Danny so special to me. Looking at Charlie, I know he needs to hear those words. “Charlie, you don’t get it. When I look at Danny it’s you I see. I search you out in his eyes. I love running my fingers over his pudgy nose, hoping it’ll look like yours.”
Charlie groans.
“I could never hate how Danny looks because to me, he looks like you. Gorgeous.”
The next thing I know, Charlie’s hands grasp my face and his lips are on mine. I expect for a second for it to be a punishing, almost brutal kiss, but that’s the thing with Charlie. He defies expectations. Like before, his lips are soft, gentle and so coaxing that it’s me who ends up demanding more. I’m not sure how long we declare our love with our lips, but it’s only when the door opens that I realize in the span of an afternoon my barrier has crumbled.
I didn’t want to leave, but Jen’s sister, as nice as she is for taking Jen and Danny in to live with her, made it clear by eight o’clock it was time for me to head home. She’s right, of course. I was putting it off because there’s this part of me that feels if I leave, Jen might run. That’s ridiculous, I know. Where the heck would she go? She’s put on a brave face, but if she thinks I’m leaving her for good she’s about to discover I’m harder than a bed bug to get rid of.
“It’s movie night, Charlie, and I’ve got all your favorite snacks,” says Mom the minute I open the door to our apartment. It hits me then. I’ve got to tell her.
“Mom, can I speak with you?”
Her face turns gray and she clutches her heart. “What’s up?”
When you grow up in the North End of Halifax you get used to living with tragedy and shock, so she has every right to get worried, but I don’t want her getting too worked up. We move to the sofa in the living room and I can tell by the look on her face she’s thinking the worst.
“You remember Jennifer from the paddling club?”
Mom shakes her head. Shit, that’s right. Jen never came over. Mom only met Shannon when Eje got the crap beaten out of him. “Was she the girl you were always mooning over?” she asks, trying hard not to smile.
I nod. “Yeah, guess I was mooning over her. We were sort of going out…”
“And?”
I gulp, knowing I’m stalling. I’m worried Mom’s going to freak on me, and that’s never good. “Promise me you won’t freak?”
“Charlie Daniel Johnston, you had best not be in trouble. Not after all I’ve done to-”
“It’s not like that. I’m a dad.”
My mom doesn’t say anything for a full minute. I rush in with everything I’ve learned in the last hours being with Jennifer.
“You are telling me this here girl didn’t tell you because she didn’t want you to say no to the army?”
“Yeah, that’s basically what I can gather.”
My mom gets up from the sofa. “Charlie, this girl loves you and let me say it right now, I love her. She was trying to protect you. And now you, my son, are going to do the right thing.”
“And what’s that?” I know, but I want her to say it. I’m fighting not to grin when Mom gets in my face.
“Boy, you’d best not be messing with me. No son of mine is going to walk away from his child.”
I grin. “Absolutely not. I think t
hat’s what Jen expects. Hell no. I want to see my son grow up.”
“Oh my God, I’m a grandmother and I don’t even know his name.”
“Daniel. And more than that, he was born on your birthday.”
I swear to God, my mom got down on her knees and started thanking God for Danny. That, more than anything, brought more damn tears to my eyes.
My mother’s eyes turn misty. “She knew that was your dad’s name, right?”
I nod.
Mom gets up off her knees and takes my face in her hands to stare at me. “Well, Charlie, you might have your father’s name as your middle name but you are not like him. I raised you better.”
“Yes you did. Would you like to come with me tomorrow to see your grandson?”
Mom nods, but big fat tears are running down her cheeks. “I can’t believe she took it upon herself not to tell you.”
“It hasn’t been easy for her.”
Mom laughs but not in a funny way. “Charlie, you don’t have to tell me that.”
I ring the door to Jennifer’s apartment. I’ve got a dozen red roses and a ring in my pocket. The ring belongs to my grandmother who passed away a decade ago. Mom gave it to me last night in case I thought of some important words to ask Jennifer. Those were her words, not mine. I tried to play like I had no idea what she was talking about, but she grinned and walked away, not falling for my game.
“Oh, come in,” says Jen when she opens the door. I notice panic flare to life when she realizes I’ve brought my mother along.
“Jen, this is my mom, Sherry.”
“Nice to meet you, Sherry,” says Jen, taking the roses. “Thanks, Charlie. You shouldn’t have.”
“Oh, yes he should have,” adds my mom.
They shake hands but then my mom pulls Jen in close for a bear hug. I expect Jen to stiffen but she surprises me by returning the hug. They’re both grinning when they release each other, and both have tears in their eyes. This I so don’t need. I’m sick of crying.
Quickly, like she knows how I feel about more tears, Mom comes right out and asks if she can see the baby. The smile lighting up Jen’s face is better than any firework display.
“He’s such a good baby. He only wakes up usually once in the night for a feeding and then goes right back to sleep. And he likes to take a two-hour nap in the afternoon, which gives me time to work on my studies.”
Mom doesn’t say anything. Her mind, like mine, is waiting to see Danny. Jen moves us to the living room, and there he is. Today he’s in something Jen calls a bouncy chair, watching the moving planets with a huge grin on his chubby face.
Mom immediately gushes on about how handsome he is. This we all agree on. Without asking, Jen unstraps Danny and hands him to my mom. My mom’s face has this raptured look on it, and I know how she feels. Overwhelmed, excited and nervous.
Then, like a pro, Mom sits down with Danny in the rocking chair I didn’t even notice yesterday and settles in to rock him. I’ll be lucky if I get to hold him today.
Jen offers to make us coffee. I follow her into the kitchen.
“Your mom’s handling this okay?”
“Yeah, she is. Sort of surprised me. Thought for sure she’d beat the shit out of me.”
Jen turns her head to see if I’m lying. I am. For all Mom’s hollering, she’s never once laid a hand on me. I don’t tell Jen that’s because my father thought laying a hand on my mom was cool. All Jen knows is that he left us a long time ago. For that I’m glad. I don’t need his influence in my life.
Jen smiles and turns the coffee machine on.
“Where’s your sister?”
“She wanted to give us privacy. Don’t worry, she’ll be back. She was sort of nervous about leaving me here to face the cavalry on my own.”
“Did she expect us to storm in and take him or something?” The minute I say it, I know the truth. Jen thought that. I take Jen in my arms. For a second her body stiffens, but then as I simply hug her, letting her adjust to my hands on her, she slowly loosens up. “Jen, I’d never do that to you. You understand, don’t you?”
“Not really,” she says. “This is all good…you knowing and your mom being okay with it, but what does it mean?”
“It means a lot. I want you in my life, Jen. I want to be in Danny’s life.”
Her eyes widen, like that’s the last thing she expected. She attempts to back out of my hold. I tighten my grip. No way am I about to let her leave me.
“Charlie, you don’t know what you’re saying. I know this is a huge shock to your system, but you don’t mean it.”
The ring in my pocket feels like it’s digging in my leg. If I reach in to retrieve it, Jen will back out of my hold. Looking her in the eyes, I say what I rehearsed last night. “Look, I know I’m far from your idea of a perfect guy, but I’ve got potential. I have one more month to finish up this course. Then I’m going to be stationed here…in Halifax. That placement should last five years. After that, I’ll probably be stationed somewhere else. That will give you time to finish up your studies. I have to do one overseas eight-month stint within those years, but Jen, I guess what I’m saying is, I want to be with you.”
She’s about to open her mouth to say something. I rush in with a kiss to silence her. I’m hoping the fact that she kissed me back is a good sign. Once we’re done, she’s leaning more of her body into mine. I rush in with the rest of what I need to say. Reaching into my pocket, I dig out the ring.
I hold it up for her to see. Tears immediately gather in her eyes. Shit, that wasn’t the reaction I’d been hoping for.
“Charlie, you can’t be serious.”
I get down on one knee. I’m hoping she won’t think it’s a stupid, lame move. I’ve never been more serious in my life. “Jen, you are my life. There wasn’t one day while I was away that I wasn’t thinking of you. I think I fell in love with you the first time I saw you and yes, that might be lame, but you get me. You’re the only one who totally gets me.”
“Charlie, what you’re asking is a lifelong commitment.”
“Damn straight it is. Will you have me? I promise to never leave you or cheat on you.”
Jen starts to laugh. “I’m fairly certain that’s not a standard proposal.”
“It is where I come from. I’m dead serious. I want to be in your life. I want to be in Danny’s life. Please, will you consider what I’m asking?”
Her eyes dart to the coffee machine. Our drink is ready. My heart feels like it’s running a 5-a.m. marathon, the type I hated in boot camp.
“Charlie, I think you should get up off your knee and get real. You’re just feeling guilty. I understand.”
Okay, drastic measures are called for. I get up from the floor and slip the ring on her finger. She’s speechless but holds out her hand to admire the diamond. “It was my grandmother’s.”
“Oh my God, Charlie. You can’t be serious. It’s beautiful. I should take it off.”
“No. I want you to keep it on your finger so you can think about what I’m asking. I’m not going to rush you, Jen. This has to be your choice. But you know how stubborn I can be.” I smile then swoop in for another kiss. This time I take my time and wait until she once again leans into my body before I lower my hands to her bottom. I haul her in tight, needing her to understand I’d do anything to keep her with me.
We release each other only when Mom asks if the coffee’s ready. Jen blushes. I whisper not to worry about it.
She’s about to take off the ring, not wanting Mom to see it, but I urge her to keep it on. I tell her I told Mom I was going to propose and her face turns even more flushed. She looks sexy and adorable.
“Charlie, I’m not sure about this.”
“I know, Jen. I know. Like I just said. I’m not rushing you. I want you to promise me you’ll think about it. And I’m not planning to leave you and Danny, so you’re going to have to get used to us being around a lot.”
“You say that now, but you’re young and you could cha
nge your mind.”
“And you’re young. Christ, we’re both young. But sometimes things are meant to be. You were meant to be with me. I don’t think of Danny as a mistake. I think of him as our miracle.”
Her eyes once again get misty. I know mine are and I’m hoping she won’t hold that against me. This time Jen is the one to initiate the hug. “Thank you, Charlie.”
“For what?”
“For being you.”
“Does that mean you’ll think about it?”
“Yeah, it does.”
Jen claims my eager lips, anchors my heart and gives me eternal hope. Three simple words I’m praying to God will change all our lives for good.
***
Renee Pace writes nitty gritty young adult stories. She is the author of Off Leash and Off Limits. Renee lives in Halifax, Nova Scotia, where she juggles motherhood and working as a volunteer in the community. She is a member of Romance Writers of America and her local Romance Writers of Atlantic Canada, as well as the Writer’s Federation of Nova Scotia, and the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators. For more information, please visit www.reneepace.com.
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On A Field, Sable
By
Diana Peterfreund
Ashes fall from my fingertips and my mouth tastes of smoke. I’m almost halfway through the pack of cigarettes, and nothing’s happened yet. The fumes are evaporating, too. It’s a pity. Bet it would smell great here normally. Ursula would love it. She’d be running around, picking all kinds of flowers. The little purple spiky ones with the leaves like grass. The white daisies with the cup like centers. The tiny, shapeless masses that sprout from cracks in the rocks, dripping with petals so yellow they make my eyes water.
There are red ones there, near the boulder where Rosamund bled to death. Ursula would probably know what they’re called. All I know is they aren’t roses, which strikes me as much funnier than it should. Maybe I’m high from the nicotine. Or the gas fumes.
Or the altitude.
It’s quiet on the mountainside. I’m sitting on a rock, dangling my feet over the side, thunking my heels against the stone as I smoke. It might be the rock — it probably is, though the stains of Astrid’s blood have long since washed away. It’s been months since her brains were dashed out against the stone, months since I carried lifeless bodies down the trail. So much blood spilled on this mountainside, and now all I see are flowers.