A few seconds later my phone vibrates in my hands.
Not really sure what that word means any more.
The pain in my chest is sharp and leaves me breathless. I close my eyes and shake my head. Something pricks at the back of my eyes.
I shouldn’t have ever texted. What good was it going to do? The best way to work through this situation was to just keep our distance and hope that time would heal all wounds. Because every time we come in contact, the scabs rip back open.
When I open my eyes, I see Drake looking at me.
I love this man. I love him with everything I’ve got.
If I get offered that job down in Olympia I should take it without looking back.
But that’s the problem. I keep looking back. And I will always look back and it will kill me to cut off that ability if I move away.
I always knew I would never take that job.
Because of a man.
Because of a prince.
Because even though I am not a princess, maybe I still want to be.
Even though I know I never will be now.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Saturday is so normal I almost feel as if I have a life again. A half-empty one, but a life. I go for a morning run. I clean my apartment. Armando and Anthony come over and I make them lunch. We laugh and joke and I sometimes manage a real smile. They’re so adorable together. Holding hands when they think I’m not looking, stealing little looks at each other.
When you’re miserable, it’s really hard to be around people who are happy.
I shower and get ready for dinner with Mom and Skyler at five. I dry my hair and curl it into soft waves. I pull on a pair of jeans, don a white long-sleeved tee, and wrap a dark blue scarf around my neck.
I’ve been thinking about telling Mom that I learned who my father was. Normally, this would seem like important information to share. Hey, mom. Remember that guy who knocked you up? His name was Josh Anderson.
But I’ve decided to keep it to myself. Mom made peace with her decision a long time ago. She doesn’t bring him up and I may as well have been a miraculous pregnancy for all she seems to have thought about him.
His identity won’t mean anything to her. Even if it meant finding peace for me.
I decide to wait for Mom at the curb and head downstairs. I hadn’t realized it had dropped temperatures so much. It’s well below freezing out here, unseasonably cold. And it rained earlier today.
For a second I’m tempted to text mom and tell her to drive careful, but what good will that do if she checks it while she’s driving?
Six o’clock rolls by. Then it’s ten after. At six-fifteen, I step inside the doors to the building because I’m absolutely freezing. I dial Mom’s cell phone, but it goes straight to her voicemail. At six twenty-five, I call Dick.
“Hey, has Karen shown up to pick Skyler up?” I ask when he answers.
“Haven’t seen her yet. Thought she was going to get here about five minutes ago,” he responds. He sounds slightly irritated. This is classic Mom. Always showing up late.
“Would you let me know if she does show up? Maybe she decided to grab Skyler first.”
“I’ll text you if she gets here,” he says.
“Thanks.”
Over the next twenty minutes, I try calling Mom four times and get her voicemail every time.
Finally at seven, I give up and walk back upstairs.
She’s trying, I tell myself as my blood starts to boil. She’s trying to make a positive change and make an effort. She’s going to start being there for Skyler.
But where is she?
I flop down on my couch and grab the remote to my ancient TV. I start clicking through channels, looking for something to zone out to.
I settle for some documentary on the ancient Egyptians. It’s nothing new to me, but it keeps my brain from focusing on other unpleasant things.
Forgiving someone is really hard when they just keep screwing up.
____
I jerk upright, my neck protesting at the awkward angle it’s been resting at. Something vibrates loudly and my eyes search through the dark for it. The TV glows softly and there, lying on the coffee table, I find my phone.
I fully expect it to be my mom, calling to apologize for not showing up, but I don’t recognize the number.
“Hello?” I say, glancing at the time on my phone. It’s just after ten o’clock.
“Kaylee? I’m so glad you answered,” someone on the other end says hurriedly. “It’s Robin McCain. Something awful has happened. There was this accident and we’re at the hospital. Drake is going ballistic and none of us know what to do.”
“What?!” I gasp, searching my apartment for my purse and keys. “Is he okay? How bad is he hurt?”
“It’s not Drake,” Robin says with a sob. “But he needs you right now. He won’t listen to any of us. Lake is on his way to your apartment to pick you up. He should be there any minute. Can you meet him outside?”
“I’m headed out now,” I say. I pull on a coat and run down the stairs.
Just as I walk out the front doors I see Robin’s minivan screech to a halt in front of me. It literally slides across the road and bumps harshly against the curb. The roads still have a layer of ice on them.
Lake meets my eyes through the windshield with panic in his own. I dart around to the passenger side and climb in. The second I’m in my seat he whips around and starts heading in the direction of the hospital. The closer we get to town, the better the roads are salted.
“What’s going on?” I ask, trying to brace myself as I attempt to get a seatbelt on. “What’s wrong with Drake?”
“This is bad, Miss Ray,” Lake says, shaking his head as he drives recklessly. There’s a seriousness in his eyes that I’ve never seen there before. “There was this huge accident just a block from Drake’s place.”
“Was Drake in a car when it happened?” I demand when Lake pauses, weaving between two other cars. It feels like no one will give me a straight answer.
Lake shakes his head. “It was Diana.”
The air grows still and quiet. It takes me a few moments before I find my voice. “Is she okay?”
Lake doesn’t respond for a moment and a lump forms in my throat. “And the baby? Is the baby okay?”
Finally, he shakes his head.
“It was really bad, Kaylee,” he says. I see the hospital coming up ahead. “I mean bad. They can’t even identify the other driver.”
My hand comes to my mouth and a sob breaks out.
“The baby’s gone,” Lake finally says is a rough voice as he pulls into a parking spot. “Diana’s on life support. They don’t think she’s going to make it.”
A heavy breath forces its way out of my chest. My body feels stiff and tight. Tears prick the backs of my eyes and my throat swells.
Lake looks at me through the dark. “My brother’s a mess.” His voice cracks just a tiny bit. “He’s been flipping out and no one can talk to him. Mom and Dad are scared for him. Mom thought…thought maybe you’d calm him down.”
A tear leaks down my cheek and I press my lips tightly together. I’m scared. I’m terrified to face him. I can’t imagine his pain right now. And I have no idea what to say.
But I can’t walk away in a moment like this.
“Let’s go,” I say.
I follow Lake through the main doors and down hall after hall. The air is sterile smelling, and even more sterile looking. People talk quietly, walk quietly. Suddenly, the hospital just feels like one big waiting room for the afterlife.
We get to the intensive care unit and I see the McCain family gathered outside a door.
“Thank you for coming,” Robin says, throwing her arms around my shoulders and squeezing me tight. Her face is splotchy and red and her eyes are swollen. “I didn’t know what else to do.”
She lets me go and I take in the rest of the family. Robert’s expression is grave and his skin looks an odd grey color. Kale sits
on the floor, his back up against the wall. He looks a bit panicked and exhausted. He’s so young he can’t possibly comprehend the weight of this situation.
Sage stands facing the door, her arms crossed over her chest. Her expression is serious and hard. But she doesn’t show signs of emotion or crying like her other family members.
“Is it true?” I ask, wrapping my arms around myself. “The baby’s…”
Robin nods and wipes at her eyes again. “They had to use the Jaws of Life to get Diana out of the car. They say the baby would have been killed instantly.”
“What about Diana?” I ask around the lump in my throat.
Robin shakes her head and more tears well in her eyes. “Her parents are here, they’re in that room with her. The doctors told them…” she takes a deep, shaky breath. “They told Diana’s parents to say their goodbyes.”
I cover my mouth again with my hand and shake my head. Tears well up in my eyes.
“Kaylee, something happened earlier,” Robin says, touching my arm gently. “We know Diana was leaving Drake’s apartment when the accident happened. I don’t know what was said, but for Drake to react like he did…”
“He started breaking stuff,” Sage says, her voice deadpan even. “Drake punched a male nurse when he tried to stop him.” Sage finally looks over at us. Her eyes are empty. “I’ve never seen my brother act like that.”
“Where is he?” I ask.
Sage nods at the door she’s been staring at. “They finally sedated him about ten minutes ago.”
I take a deep breath, trying to calm the whirlwind inside of me. I cross the hall and put my hand on the doorknob. Slowly, I twist it, and push the door open.
I close it quietly behind me. The room is dimly lit, with only one light on at the side of the bed. Drake sits in one of the chairs. He’s slouching so much he’s almost laying in it. His chin rests on his chest and he stares forward with a blank stare.
Between his lips is an unlit cigarette.
There’s a broken lamp shattered across the floor. The contents from a medical cart are thrown everywhere. The blankets and sheets are lying haphazardly half on the floor, half on the bed.
I drop down on my knees so I’m in front of Drake. It takes his eyes a moment to focus on my face.
“Hi,” he says. His expression is blank and hazy. I am hoping it’s mostly because of the sedation they gave him.
“Hi,” I say back.
“Did my mom call you?” he asks. His words kind of all slur together. He lazily reaches up and pinches the cigarette between two fingers, before his whole arm flops back over the armrest.
I nod.
His eyes slide past me to observe the room and the mess he’s made. “I didn’t handle things very well.”
“I don’t think there was one right way to handle them,” I say quietly. I sniff, feeling all the apprehensive parts of me start to calm down. He’s not rampaging. He’s quiet. But I have to wonder if he’s later going to be able to recall anything we say here. I’ve never been sedated before, but I imagine it’s a bit like being extremely drunk. Who knows if you’ll remember the morning after.
“My hand hurts,” he says, holding it up. His knuckles are starting to bruise. “I’m pretty sure I punched someone. Someone with a very hard head.”
“Would you like some ice?”
He holds his hand to his chest and nods. I stand and walk back to the door. I open it just a crack.
“Can you get him some ice?” I ask Sage, who is still standing there staring at the door.
“Sure,” she says.
I close the door once again and turn back to Drake. He sits back up in the seat, no longer looking like he will melt right out of it. I pull over the rolling stool that sits in the corner and sit in front of him.
Drake stares at me. His expression is still glazed over and I hate seeing him like this. But I suppose it’s better than what his family saw not twenty minutes ago.
“How come your life can change so fast, so easy?” Drake says, staring at me intently. As intently as he can in this state. He absentmindedly twirls the cigarette between two fingers. “There’s certain points in my life where I can very clearly recall having it whiplash change direction. And I’m never prepared for them.”
“No one is ever prepared for them,” I say. There’s a quiet knock at the door and I cross back to it. Sage hands me a rag with a bag of ice in it. I thank her and walk back to Drake. I take his injured hand in mine and gently press the ice pack to his knuckles. He doesn’t even wince. He just stares at me.
“Diana texted me earlier, said she wanted to talk,” he says, his eyes never leaving my face. “I told her to come over because I had so many papers to grade, I didn’t want to take more time away from it all then I had to.” And now his eyes finally redden. His gaze drops from my face and his neck sags, his head turning to the floor. “I didn’t realize how cold it was, how slick the roads were going to get. I should have gone over to her place.”
“Drake,” I say. Something surges up inside of me, preparing to fight this battle, to will him back from the edge. “You had no way of knowing what would happen. This isn’t your fault.”
Drake takes a deep sniff and shakes his head. He brings it back up, looking anywhere but at me. He clears his throat and one tear leaks down his face.
“I feel really weird right now,” he admits. His eyes are misty and hazy. “Like I’m either really heavy, or I’m going to float away at any moment. And my head is full of cotton.”
“They had to sedate you,” I say. I take his injured hand back in mine, holding the ice to it.
“Yeah,” he says. He blinks heavy and I can tell he’s getting tired. “Diana came over. She was nervous. Wouldn’t look at me straight. I asked her what was wrong.”
He stops talking for a while, and I let him have his silence. His eyes are distant, focusing on something that isn’t in this room. He chews on his lower lip for a moment. His hands are clammy.
“She said she was tired of trying so hard. This wasn’t going to work out between us and she didn’t want to force it anymore. And she said…she said she wasn’t ready to be a mother anyway.” He takes a shaky, deep breath and looks down at the floor. “She wanted to talk about giving the baby up for adoption.”
It feels like he’s just splashed a bucket of cold water in my face.
Drake and being a father just go hand in hand. That was a role he was always meant to play and then Diana just wanted to rip that away?
“What did you say?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “I told her I’d have to think things over. Being a father right now when I wasn’t prepared for it was scary enough, but thinking of doing everything on my own? I told her I needed some time to process, but to not do anything before I told her what I decided.”
I have no words. I have nothing to say. This is not my world.
“She told me to not take too long. That she wanted to know what to do as soon as possible so she could make plans. But she said…” his voice grows harder. He puts the cigarette between his lips again. “She said she didn’t want to see me anymore. That if I wanted to keep the baby I could come get it after it was born, but she didn’t want me in her life in the meantime.”
“That’s awful.” It slips out before I can stop it.
Drake shakes his head and looks up at me. “Can you blame her? I’ve been trying Kaylee, but forcing yourself to be with someone when you’re in love with someone else is damn hard acting.”
“Drake, I—”
“Don’t,” he says around the stick of death between his lips, his voice hard but not angry. “Don’t. You don’t have to say it. This…this was all me.”
And his face crumples. Tears start running down his face. He collapses forward into me and I wrap my arms around him.
He just cries. Then he sobs. Then he howls.
And after what feels like an eternity, he’s quiet.
His unlit cigarette lies on the floor by hi
s feet.
Knowing I’ve only got a few minutes before he’s a dead asleep log, I pull him to his feet and help him over to the bed. The second his head hits the pillow, he’s out.
My eyes are tired and my brain feels slow and dull. I check the clock and find it’s twelve fifty-eight.
Sure that Drake is well asleep, I open the door and step out into the hall.
The entire McCain family is lined up on the floor in the hall. Kale’s head is in Sage’s lap and he’s fast sleep. Sage’s head rests on Lake’s shoulder and I’m not positive if she’s asleep or not, her eyes are closed.
But Robin, Robert, and Lake’s eyes jump to me the second I walk out. I put a finger to my lips for them to be quiet as to not wake Kale and Sage and sink to the floor across the hall from them.
“Drake’s sleeping,” I say.
“Thank you so much, again, for coming,” Robin says. She gives me a tired, appreciative smile. “We weren’t sure what else to do.”
I give a nod, chewing on my lower lip. “Thanks for calling me.”
And as horrible as it is to be here, as hard as this is, I’m glad I’m here.
“Did…” Robin struggles for words. “Did he say anything? I know my son and I know his reactions. I’ve never seen anything close to that man in there.”
I hesitate in telling her. What Drake told me is personal. It’s deep. It’s rough and heavy. “I think you should wait to hear it from him. If he wants to tell you. It isn’t my information to give.”
Robin nods and two tears slip down her face. “Of course.”
I notice Sage’s eyes have opened. Her head still rests on Lake’s shoulder, but she’s listening. Kale snores softly. He looks so peaceful there, sleeping in his sister’s lap. He’s lucky to have the youth and naivety to be blissfully unaware of the gravity of this situation.
“Any updates on Diana?” I ask.
Robin doesn’t seem to be able to speak. She takes two sobbing breaths before burying her face in her husband’s shoulder.