—WILLIAM RICHARDSON.
Me and my buddy went out on a hobo trip and so we come cross a logging camp, ’cided we’d work some, ast de man ’bout a job. So he give us a job loggin’, give me uh five yoke ox team, my buddy a six ox team. So we goes into the woods and loads up waggins.
As we wuz coming on back we heard a little something coming through de woods singing. We stopped to see whut it wuz. Whilst we wuz stopped a little black gnat come along. He eat up de six ox team, de five ox team, got one of de horns, got upon de wagon, blowed for eleven more yokes.
—LONNIE BARNES.
I wuz coming from Birmingham going to Montgomery and a car passed me making eighty-five miles a hour. I looked under the steering wheel and I didn’t see no man. Got in Montgomery a mosquito had held him up for over speeding. Looked on the steering wheel, it wuz a flea. Put him in jail and it cost him twenty-five dollars for speeding.
—DOUGLAS SHINE.
Neatest Trick
Tales
A man had three daughters and he was going out huntin’ tuh git ’em something tuh eat. So he ast ’em all whut they wanted him tuh bring ’em back. De oldest one tole ’im, “I sho would love a nice rabbit tuh fry.”
De nex’ one tole ’im, “My mouf is just set tuh smack on a nice, fat cottontail.”
De baby tole him, say, “If you don’t bring me uh rabbit, I ain’t gointer eat uh moufful uh nothin’ else.”
So he went on out tuh de woods wid his gun, but game wuz scarce. He didn’t git but one rabbit and so he had tuh gwan home wid dat. When he got home they all ast him did he bring ’em uh rabbit. He tole ’em, “Well, I ain’t got but one so y’all have tuh ’vide it de best way yuh kin.”
They wouldn’t do dat. Dey all wanted de whole rabbit, so he didn’t know whut tuh do.
Way after while he tole de one whut did de sharpest trick could have de rabbit. They said all right.
De first one, she helt up a needle and urinated right through de eye and never touched de sides. De old man says, “Dat’s uh sharp trick and I don’t see how it kin be beat.”
De next one, she urinated in uh thimble and never run it over. He thought dat was swell.
De last one she took uh hick’ry nut and thowed it up in de air and turned up her dress and broke wind and cracked de nut and blowed de goody right slap in de old man’s mouf. He smacked his mouf, (gesture of tasting) and says, “You wins de rabbit.”
—EUGENE OLIVER.
Once there was three girls went to huntin’. They saw a rabbit and all of them shot at the rabbit, and all of them said they killed it.
So they carried it to the court and the judge said that the one that done the sharpest trick could have the rabbit.
One girl up and poured water through a needle’s eye and never touched the sides.
The next one poured a bucket of water in a thimble without running it over.
The last one picked up a hickory nut and throwed it up in the air and took aim and shot it and bust it open and spattered the goody in the judge mouth. He tasted it and says: “You win the rabbit.”
—HENRY EDWARDS.
Once there was a man had a daughter and three fellows wuz courtin’ her. All of ’em asked for her at de same time and they were all good clean boys. He didn’t know what to do, so he said: “I’ll give her to the one dat does the quickest trick.”
De first one went out and cleaned up a forty acre new ground, broke it up and planted it and had roasting ears for breakfast.
The other one said, “I can beat that.” He went one mile down de road to a spring after water in a cedar bucket and came back and caught de water before it hit the ground.
The other one said, “See what kin I do.” He went into the house and got a Winchester. He went out and shot de gun, laid it down and run, overtaken de bullet and brought it back and give it to de girl’s pa. So he got de girl.
—LONNIE BARNES.
I wuz courtin’ uh man’s daughter once, me an’ another feller, an’ her daddy caught us arguin’ ’bout her one day, an’ so he said de one dat told de biggest lie could have her. So I said, “Stick uh needle up in de ground an’ put uh dime behind it edgeways, an’ I kin drive uh Ford right thew de eye uh dat needle an’ turn roun’ on dat dime an’ still have uh nickel change.”
—EUGENE OLIVER.
Me and my girl was sitting under a tree fishing one day. A big rabbit jumped in front of us. My girl said, “Oh, how I would like to have a ham off that rabbit.”
I gave her my coat, I gave her my shoes, I shot my pistol, I caught up with the bullet and told it to go back and get into the pistol because I had the rabbit.
—PETER NOBLE.
“Mr. Hill doing it.”
It wuz once an old man had three sons and they all was off. One wuz naked, one wuz blind, one wuz armless. So de one whut wuz blind he jumps a rabbit; one didn’t have no arms kotch ’im; one wuz naked grabbed ’im and put ’im in his pocket.
So they wanted to know from the father which one the rabbit belong to. So he says, “Well, I don’t know. The one that can do the sharpest trick.”
One shot a rifle and beat the ball to the tree and cut a spot where it could hit. The other two says, “Father, we can do better than that.”
So one of ’em says, “I see a red bug in England.”
The other one says, “I see his eyes.”
—LARKINS WHITE.
A man had seven sons and he sont ’em all off to school, and he had one girl.
An’ he had called his boys up an’ sont dem to school. One wuz schooled to be a machinist; one a blacksmith; one a mechanic; one a spier; one a crack-shot; and de other wuz a rogue; and one a gluer.
After dey returned back home, father axed dem did dey all have dere learnin’. Tole ’em dat since dey had been gone, de eagle had stole they sister.
Spier axed ’im which way did dey go. He tole ’im dat wuzn’t no use to ast ’im cause he couldn’t see dat fur.
He got up on top uh de house, put on his spy glasses and tole ’im, “Papa, I see ’im. Eagle has a place in uh fork of a limb cross de deep blue sea.”
Tole his carpenter, “Great God, make me a boat!”
Tole his moulder, “Mould me uh motor.”
Tole his gluer, “Glue it together.”
“All right, boys, let’s go cross.”
Tole his spier to look see what de eagle wuz doin’. “Papa, she’s watching de boat.” Rogue axed ’im to stop de boat an’ let him out.
Tole de spier look back see whut de eagle is doin’. “Papa, she’s comin’.”
Tole de crack-shot, “Gun in order.”
Said, “Papa, I see ’im.”
Tole de spier, “See how fur she is from us now.”
“Papa, she’s right over dere.”
Crack-shot reformed his gun, shot de eagle, but he bust de boat and the gluer jumped down, glued it back together before air drop uv water got in it. That’s all that is.
—R. T. WILLIAMS.
Mistaken
Identity Tales
In slavery time there was a man by the name of Tom and he always had prayer before going to bed, and his prayers was always for God to take him to heben away from his hard taskmaster. And his master gone down through the quarters various times and listened to Tom’s prayer.
So one night he decided to have some fun offa Tom. So when he was in this prayer, his master knocked on the door, representing himself as the Lord.
In a flat way Tom said to his wife, “Ast who dat.”
His master said, “This is God Almighty come to keer Tom to heben.”
Tom told his wife, “Tell God I’m not here.”
His master, peeping through de hole in de door saw Tom run under de bed naked. He said, “I’m God Amighty and Tom don’t come out from under dat bed I’m going to come in there and get him and carry him to heben anyhow.”
Tom whispered to his wife to open de door wide. Tom run out from under de bed and out de door and right
through the quarters naked as a rooster, wid his master right after him, who he thought was the Lord.
Tom’s chile rose up and ast his mother a question, says, “Mama,” says, “God’s gointer ketch papa and carry him to heben?”
She set dere wid a head rag on her head patching. She clashed at de chile—tole him: “Shet up yo’ mouf tellin’ dem lies. Don’t you know God ain’t got no time wid yo’ pa and he’s barefooted, too.”
—GEORGE MILLS.
The Running Death†
Massa had a slave once named Ike. Ike wuz always praying tuh be took into heaven alive. Every night he’d git down on his knees an’ pray tuh be took jes like Enoch. One day Ole Massa heard him and made up his mind tuh try ’im out.
So one night he put on uh sheet, all white an’ everything, an’ went on down tuh Ike’s house. Ike wuz down prayen and whoopin ’bout he wanted tuh gwan tuh heaven.
Massa knocked at de do’. (Gesture of knocking on door.)
Ike: “Who dat?”
Massa: “It’s me, Ike, it’s de Lord come tuh take you away frum dis hard working world.”
Ike: (In whisper tuh his wife) “Tell ’im I ain’t here.”
Wife: “He ain’t here, Lord.”
Massa: “Then, Dinah, you’ll do.”
Dinah: (In whisper) “Ike, you come on out frum under dat bed and go on wid de Lord.”
Ike: (Whispering) “Oh, go on wid de Lawd. Didn’t you hear him say you will do?”
Dinah: “I ain’t gwinter do nuthin uv de kind. Youse de one dat always whoopin’ and hollerin’ fur him tuh come git yuh. An’ ef you don’t come on out, I’m gwinter tell God you hiding under dat bed.”
Massa: “Come on, Dinah.”
Dinah: “Ike in here, Lawd, hidin’ under de bed from you tuh keep from going on wid you tuh immortal glory.”
Massa: “Come on, Ike an’ go wid me.” (Ike comes very slowly from under the bed.)
Massa: “Come on, Ike.”
Ike: (Goes tuh do’ and peeps out. He got so skeered when he seed whut he thought wuz death dat he didn’t know whut tuh do. So he says tuh ole Massa): “Stand back a little way, Jesus, lemme come out by you.” (Massa moved back uh little. He knowed whut Ike wuz up tuh, but he didn’t let on. Ike done dat de third time. By den he figgered he had enough room, so he lit out dat door (gesture of swift running flight, passing one hand past the other quickly). He hollered back to Ole Massa: “Ef thou be uh running death, ketch me!”
—JAMES MOSELEY.
Once durin’ slavery time Ole Marsa had uh nigger an’ he uster go up under uh simmon tree tuh pray fuh God tuh come git him way from dis hardworkin’ world. Young Marsa heard ’im an’ clammed up de tree wid uh rope. When Jack got down under de tree an’ begin tuh ast de Lawd tuh come git ’im, de white man said: “If you wanta go tuh heben wid me, Jack, stick you head in de loop.”
He let down de rope so Jack could git his head in. Jack prayed on some more an’ Marsa said: “Stick yuh head in de loop.”
Jack heard ’im dat time an’ stuck his head in de loop, an’ de white man begin tuh pull. Dat rope got tighter an’ tighter round Jack’s goozle, an’ Jack hollered up de tree: “Lawd, do you know everything?”
De man said, “Yes.”
“Well,” he said, “if thou be God an’ know everything, you oughter know youse choking me tuh death.”
—EUGENE OLIVER.
Prayin’ Woman An’ De Banjo Man†
There uster be a woman dat went to de prayin’ groun’ every evenin’ jestez soonez she come from de fiel’. You know in dem days niggers didn’t have no churches, cause de white folks didn’t ’low ’em. Dey uster slip off down in de woods tuh whut dey’d call de prayin’ groun’ an’ have they little doings.
Dis woman, she uster go every day—she wuz so full uh religion. Her husban’ uster stay home an’ play de banjo, cause he said all dat prayin’ wuzn’t doin’ no good—de white folks wuz still in de lead. De ole woman thought dat wuz weeked an’ sinful an’ uster beg him tuh put down his music an’ come wid her—but he wouldn’t.
He made up his mind tuh break her uh all dat prayin’ an carryin’ on, so he cut cross de woods an’ beat her to de tree one day an’ listened. She come on an’ got down on her knees an’ ast de Lord tuh send down His power tuh free de niggers an’ tuh take her home wid Him. De husban’ kept quiet and after she lef’ he cut cross de woods an’ beat her back home.
De nex’ day he waited till she lef’ home an’ cut her off agin an’ got some rocks an’ hid ’em up de tree. When his wife got down an’ ast de Lord tuh take her home wid Him, she said, “An’ now, Lord, tuh show dat you got de powers tuh keer me home whole soul an’ body, send down yo’ power.”
De man dropped a little rock down an’ tapped her on de shoulder. She lak-ted dat, (liked). She raised her voice higher an’ said: “Don’t be sendin’ down no little scraps uh yo’ power. Send it so dese white folks’ll know dey got tuh set us free—send it down in plenty.”
De man dropped a great big rock dat time dat hit her on de head an’ knocked her over. She got out from under dat tree an’ tole Him, she said: “I didn’t ast you for all yo’ power at one time. I didn’t ast you to crack my head wid it.” She lit out for home.
De man took de short cut an’ beat her home agin, but he didn’t hardly have time to git uh seat an’ git his banjo in his hands befo’ she come in. Soon as she got in de house, she says, “Hurry an’ chune up dat thing, ole man, an’ less have some music. Ah done got enough power from de prayin’ ground tuh las’ me de rest uh my days.”
—LARKINS WHITE.
God An’ De Devil in De Cemetery†
Two mens dat didn’t know how tuh count good had been haulin’ up cawn an’ they stopped at de cemetery wid de las’ load cause it wuz gittin’ kinda dark. They thought they’d git through instead uh goin’ way tuh one of ’ems barn. When they wuz goin’ in de gate, two ears uh cawn dropped off de waggin, but they didn’t stop tuh bother wid ’em jus’ then. They wuz in uh big hurry tuh git home. They wuz justa ’vidin’ it up, “You take dis’n, an’ I’ll take dat’un; you take dat’un an I’ll take dis’n.”
An’ ole nigger heard ’em while he wuz passin’ de cemetery an’ run home tuh tell ole massa ’bout it.
“Massa, de Lawd an’ de devil is down in de cemetery ’vidin’ up souls. Ah heard ’em. One say, ‘You take that’un an’ I’ll take this’un.’ ”
Ole Massa wuz sick in de easy cheer, he couldn’t git about by hisself, but he said: “Jack, Ah don’t know whut dis folishness is, but Ah know you lyin’.”
“Naw, Ah ain’t neither. Ah swear it’s so.”
“Can’t be, Jack, youse crazy.”
“Naw, Ah ain’t neither. If you don’t b’lieve me, come see for yo’self.”
“Guess Ah better go see whut you talkin’ ’bout; but if you fool me Ah’m gointer have a hunded lashes put on yo’ back in de mawnin’, suh.”
They went on down tuh de cemetery an’ it wuz sho dark down dere, too. They stole up in de gate an’ heard ’em jus’ lak Jack said, but they couldn’t see de two ears uh cawn layin’ in de gate.
Sho nuff Ole Massa heard ’em sayin’, “Ah’ll take dis’n” an’ de other one say, “An’Ah’ll take dis’n.” Ole Massa got skeered hisself, but he wuzn’t lettin on, an’ Jack whispered tuh ’im, “Unh hunh, didn’t Ah tell you de Lawd an’ de devil wuz down here ’vidin’ up souls?”
They waited awhile there in de gate listenin’ den they heard ’em say, “Now, we’ll go git dem two at de gate.”
Jack says, “Ah knows de Lawd goin’ take you, an’ Ah ain’t gwine let de devil git me—Ah’m gwine home.” An’ he did, an’ lef’ Ole Massa settin’ dere at de cemetery gate in his rollin’ cheer; but when he got home, Ole Massa had done beat ’im home an’ wuz settin’ by de fire smokin’ uh seegar.
—LARKINS WHITE.
Once there was a Negro. Every day he went under the hill to pray. So one day a white man went to see
what he was doing. He was praying for God to kill all the white people; so the white man threw a brick on his head. The Negro said, “Lord, can’t you tell a white man from a Negro?”
—ARTHUR HOPKINS.
Once there was a man, he had a son and he died. Every night the man would go to the graveyard and pray to the Lord to let him see his son. One night a man decided to satisfy his wishes, so he hid in the graveyard. So that night the man went to pray. The other man rose up with a sheet over his head. The father said, “Go back, son, I have seen.” The ghost came a little closer. “Go back, son, I have seen.” The ghost came a little closer. “Go back, son, go back, I tell you! That’s the reason you are in the graveyard now—your head is so damn hard!”
—JOE WILEY.
A woman had a little boy who was always cussin’. She did everything to break him, but couldn’t. So one time when he wuz sleep she got somebody to help her put him in a coffin to skeer him. Thought maybe that would break him. So they put him in de coffin and set de coffin in de cemetery and hid theyselves behind de tombstones to lissen. After while de lil boy woke up and set up in de coffin and looked all round and says, “Well, I’ll be damned if this ain’t judgment day and I’m de first son of a gun up.”
—L. O. TAYLOR.
Once there was an old man, he had a son and two good dogs. They didn’t have any guns, so every night they would go hunting. They would cut sticks. The man told the boy that a coon hollered like a man. The boy was afraid of the old man. One night the dogs chased a coon up a tree. The old man went up the tree and told the boy that when the coon fell down, to kill him with the stick. The old man fell out of the tree, and the boy began to beat him with the stick. The old man said, “Oh, Lordy, son, this is me.”
The boy said, “Oh, hell, pa said a coon hollered like a man. I have you now.”