They all laughed when Cooper collided with their legs, wanting in on the Beckwith group hug moment.
It was the perfect Christmas morning. It was warm and sunny, and the light bounced off of the gorgeous Beetle and made a rainbow on the driveway. Lila carefully opened the driver's door and then eased inside, inhaling the sharp new-car scent. She waved at
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her parents through the windshield and told herself that nothing would ever be as great as this moment.
She had everything she ever wanted.
And yet somehow, for some reason, she wasn't as happy as she thought she'd be.
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Chapter 21
*** HOLLANDER HOUSE
LOS ANGELES
DECEMBER 25
9:20 P.M.
***
Lila's new car was all anyone could talk about later that night, when Lila and her friends crowded into the family room at the Hollanders' house. It was their group's Christmas tradition to hang out long after everyone had put in their required family time--or, for those not celebrating Christmas, Chinese food and movie time. The Hollander house was always the best choice, because everyone gravitated to Erik and Carly, of course, but also because Mr. and Mrs. Hollander believed in looking the other way, rather than having the kids go out and drink somewhere else.
"We are going to spend serious time on the Pacific Coast Highway in that baby," Carly declared, hugging Lila as they stood in the kitchen, leaning up against the center island while the usual North Valley High shenanigans went on all around them.
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"Yeah, we are," Lila said at once, smiling--but she didn't feel the tug of Carly's smile the way she usually did. It was like she was distanced, somehow, from the low-key party going on all around her.
Carly's smile faded a little, and her expression turned quizzical. "Why aren't you, like, dancing with joy? Don't you think you can dance?" she asked, only half-teasing, but clearly trying to make Lila laugh with the reference to their favorite reality show.
"Sugar coma," Lila said, rubbing her belly. It was a handy excuse for her weird mood. "I can't believe how many Christmas cookies I ate today. I seriously could not be stopped."
"Oh my God, Lila!" Yoon appeared at her elbow, Rebecca close behind her. They both looked delighted to see Lila, which made her feel...exhausted, somehow. All her interactions with them felt so forced. Had it always taken this much effort to hang out with her friends? "We missed you on Friday! But if that cute car is your prize for bailing, I totally get it."
Lila stuck her hands in the pockets of her jeans and realized that she'd actually forgotten all about her party. Even now, she couldn't really understand why she'd cared so much. What was the big deal with one more party? All of the same people were standing around in the Hollanders' kitchen right now, and nothing amazing had happened yet. Nothing ever did. It only sounded amazing later, when they all talked about it and made sure to leave other people out.
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Good lord, she was starting to sound like Beau. What was next? Would she grow her hair out and try to look like a shaggy dog? She shook her head, as if to chase thoughts of Beau away, and looked up at her friends.
"I didn't bail so much as get grounded," Lila pointed out mildly. She smiled anyway. "Was it fun?"
"It rocked," Rebecca said immediately. Yoon looked pleased.
"It was fine," Carly said dismissively, twirling a strand of her blond curls around her finger. She looked away, and Lila did too, wondering what Carly saw when she looked at her house. The open-plan kitchen blending into the family room, every corner stuffed full of Christmas paraphernalia. Red and green to the gills, and North Valley High's most popular kids--past and present--hanging out in little groups, laughing and talking.
"Whatever," Carly said. She turned to Lila. "Where do you think we should go on our first road trip? Mexico?"
"Ooh," Yoon said, as if she'd never in her life wanted to do anything more. Lila could actually see Yoon switch gears. She could hear the calculation: Forget about the party, Carly's all about the car. "I want to hit Cabo. How awesome would that be?"
"I love Cabo!" Rebecca cried, performing the same social gymnastics.
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Lila fell quiet, because Erik was coming over then. He broke away from his posse of ex-football friends, who were congregating together closer to the French doors that led out to the pool, swapping tales of their college exploits and the exams they all claimed they'd failed from being too hungover.
Naturally, all of Lila's friends watched his approach. Carly leaned against Lila and smiled broadly at her brother. Yoon flipped her glossy hair over her shoulders and arched her back. Rebecca fluffed up her own chestnut pixie cut and then squinted her green eyes in frank, obvious appraisal. The funny thing was, they didn't even know what had happened. Lila hadn't mentioned Erik's kissing exploits to a single soul--because how would that make her look? The cheated-on, foolish, high school girlfriend--as big a loser as she'd been once upon a time? So her friends were seeing Erik Hollander, God of North Valley High, as he came over to play the perfect boyfriend.
"Hey, babe," he said casually, his hazel eyes warm on Lila's. As if he didn't notice the way Yoon and Rebecca hung on his every syllable. But Lila knew that he did. He probably thrived on it, the way she once had. "Do you want a drink?"
Lila twirled the bottle of Corona she held in her hand and shrugged. "No," she said. "I'm good."
Erik smiled and leaned in to press a kiss to Lila's temple. She caught the envious look that Rebecca and Yoon shot between them, and farther back, Jeannine Fargo let out a
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jealous sigh. Every girl in the room but Carly wanted to be Lila right then.
"I'm sorry," Erik whispered, so only Lila could hear. She smiled at him again, not wanting to get into another round of excuses and explanations. Hadn't she told him it was fine? He'd met her at the door tonight, brimming with new apologies. But Lila didn't want to think about it anymore. She just wanted to move on. Start fresh. Maybe try to get to know Erik all over again--this time, with her eyes wide open.
But the more he talked about how sorry he was, the more she had to think about why he was sorry, which led to picturing him with that girl. And every time she looked at him, she pictured Beau punching him in the face. Erik had the now purple and blue shiner, which she'd heard him tell one of his friends was from a pickup game of touch football. Right. Just like he'd told his Stanford friends he needed a ride to L.A. because his car was in the shop.
"You guys are so cute," Rebecca said when Erik moved away, her green eyes alight like Erik Hollander was her own personal Christmas tree. She sighed. "It just gives me hope. That you guys are still together, I mean."
"It's better than a movie," Yoon agreed, sounding almost completely sincere this time. She held her hands over her heart, dramatically. "The way he looks at you!"
Lila glanced from Rebecca to Yoon to Carly. Even Carly
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was smiling at her, ready to hear Lila affirm her supposed great romance with Erik. They were all waiting for Lila to say exactly what they wanted to hear: Yes, she was the luckiest girl in the world. Yes, they made their relationship work long-distance. Yes, dating Erik Hollander was everything it was cracked up to be, everything she'd ever aspired to in her life. They wanted to hear her affirm that their myths of popularity were true. Lila knew in that moment that her position as coqueen of North Valley High was solid. She knew that three days ago she would have reveled in this moment. It would have proven that she was exactly who and what she wanted to be: Lila Beckwith, social success.
But instead of the rush of triumph she'd expected to feel, she felt hollow inside. Instead of a big victory, she felt like she'd actually lost something.
Maybe it was the fact that Erik wasn't the perfect boyfriend--and maybe he hadn't ever been. Or maybe it was her sneaking suspicion that she'd had more fun singing that stupid "Roses Are Red" song with Beau than she'd had in a lon
g time with these people.
Or maybe she was simply coming down with something. That might explain her stuffy head and the way she just wanted to sink down onto Carly's kitchen floor and cry.
"I'm a lucky girl," she said finally, because she had to say something. She put her mostly full Corona back down behind
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her on the counter. "I'll be right back," she whispered to Carly, and eased herself through the group toward the Hollanders' guest bathroom.
She took her time, and when she opened the door again, the sound of everyone laughing and talking seemed overwhelming. So instead of heading back into the party, Lila let herself out the side door and stood for a moment on the little back porch. The air was cold, and she could see stars overhead. She couldn't quite see her breath when she let it out, though she tried a few times.
And then Lila had to accept the fact that everything felt wrong. She felt wrong. She didn't even know why. Part of her wanted to take off screaming down the Hollanders' street, just to make noise and see what might happen. Another part of her wanted to go back inside and yell at all of her friends for being so...so...for being the way they were. So concerned with the same boring stuff, party after party, day after day, even after they went off to college.
Her hand rose to her temple and found the place where Erik had kissed her. She didn't exactly wipe the kiss away, but she thought about it.
Aside from the kiss in her family room, she hadn't kissed him at all since she'd gotten back. And... she didn't think she was suddenly going to wake up and want to start kissing him any time soon.
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How could so much change so fast? Part of it was seeing him at Stanford--seeing what he was like when he thought she wasn't around. Lila wasn't an idiot. Erik hadn't been acting like someone with a guilty conscience. He hadn't even been hiding in some corner with that chick--he'd been standing there for everyone to see. That didn't strike her as the kind of thing someone would do if they were really that concerned about the girlfriend they'd left behind. It wasn't the kind of thing you did when you'd told your college friends you even had a girlfriend.
But the other part of it, Lila knew, was her. Spending all that time with Beau had reminded her of things she had tried really, really hard to forget. Not just Beau himself, which she didn't really want to think about, but the way they'd talked to each other. The feeling that she could say absolutely anything to him and he'd handle it. It might hurt his feelings, or he might disagree, but she didn't have to be careful with him like that.
It wasn't like that with Erik. When Lila had first started dating him, she'd been so starry-eyed. So determined to be the perfect girlfriend, the perfect best friend. What she'd ended up being instead was quiet. Submissive. Erik knew he would be forgiven anything. What was that thing her mother always said? That it was easier to ask for forgiveness than permission?
The stars up above her seemed farther away, and the wind picked up, rattling through the palm trees and sneaking beneath Lila's sweater to chill her skin. She thought about the
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whole stretch of her relationship with Erik, and had the uncomfortable feeling that Beau had been absolutely right to call her shallow. Wasn't she? Did she like Erik, or did she like the fact that everyone else--including her parents--liked Erik? Was she upset that he had cheated on her because she had trusted him, or because she was worried that it would get out and everyone would know she'd been made to look a fool? Was Erik Hollander anything more than a status symbol to her?
She didn't actually know.
But she did know that she would rather be grounded, her new car taken away, than pretend any longer. He could tell her parents what had really happened this weekend. She didn't care.
Filled with resolve, Lila turned and walked back inside.
"Where'd you go?" Erik asked, coming right over to her. She wondered, briefly, what he got out of this whole thing. Did he just like having people remember him at North Valley High? Was that why he bothered? Or was it just easier to keep a girlfriend back home than to break up with her? Why not have the comfort of Lila at home and the freedom to do whatever you pleased at college? If you didn't have a conscience, it would be easy.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly. She lifted up her hands, then let them drop. "But I don't think I can do this."
"What?" His voice wasn't quiet. He was probably too shocked
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to keep it down. "What do you mean? Is this because of what happened at Stanford?"
Lila stiffened as everyone in the kitchen fell quiet and turned. No one even pretended not to stare.
"No," she said, looking Erik straight in the eyes. "Maybe. I don't know."
"Lila..." Erik searched her face, and what he saw there must have surprised him, because he took a step back. "You're breaking up with me?"
Lila almost winced. She hated the way he'd said that--like it was particularly unbelievable that she was breaking up with him. She snuck a look at the assembled crowd and gulped. Yoon and Rebecca were whispering to each other, their hands over their mouths and their eyes far too bright. Carly looked pale. Jeannine Fargo was chewing on a carrot stick, her head cocked to the side like she was watching television. Erik's friends were smirking and muttering to one another. She had the sudden urge to run away. But she didn't.
Lila straightened her spine, and met his gaze. "Yes," she said, the word heavy on her tongue, knowing that she was probably throwing away all the hard work of the last three years of her life. Knowing that with those three letters, she was sealing her North Valley High fate. The crowd gasped. "I am."
The next few minutes were blurry. Erik stormed out, while Lila's friends were visibly torn between going after still popular,
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now single Erik, or getting more dirt from Lila. She felt dazed. But that passed when Carly pulled her away from the group that had converged on Lila, into the darkened living room. Lila expected a hug and some words of comfort, which, frankly, she could use right now. Until she saw the scowl on Carly's face.
"What did you just do?" her supposed best friend asked her in an angry voice.
"I had to," Lila said, and shrugged helplessly.
Carly laughed slightly, an edge to her voice. "Are you crazy?" she demanded. "He's not going to take you back after you humiliated him in front of all of his friends, Lila. You get that, right?"
"I'm not the one who was cheating!" Lila threw at her. She hadn't wanted to out Erik, but he deserved it. And she knew Carly would be discreet.
She expected her friend to gasp, to express some kind of shock that perfect, beloved Erik could have done such a thing. But the other girl's glossy lips pressed together in a thin, hard line. She looked disgusted.
"Grow up, Lila," she said coldly. "What did you think would happen while he was away?"
Lila stared at her blond, beautiful best friend, stunned. It was like some alien had taken over Carly's body. She had no idea who Carly was right now.
Had she ever?
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"This is about that loser ex-boyfriend of yours, isn't it?" Carly asked, her voice dropping low. "Erik told me you spent the weekend with him. I thought he was kidding." Her mouth twisted. "You really want to go back to the dark ages with that freak?"
Lila actually felt dizzy. She reminded herself that Carly was Erik's sister. She was bound to take his side. Even if it hurt Lila almost more than seeing Erik with that other girl had.
The only question was, why was Lila still standing there, taking it?
"See you around," she said. She had the sudden urge to laugh out loud. Because she was free, even if it hurt.
"Lila..." Carly whispered, the expression on her pretty face changing from anger to confusion.
But Lila turned on her heel and let herself out the door. She knew as it slammed shut behind her that she had just committed complete and total North Valley High social suicide.
Apparently, hell had frozen over.
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/> Chapter 22
*** BECKWITH HOUSE
LOS ANGELES
DECEMBER 26
2:34 A.M.
***
It had to be almost three in the morning, but Lila couldn't sleep.
She shifted around in her bed and then finally gave up. She swung her feet to the ground and sat there in the dark of her bedroom for a moment. She sighed.
Her room was done in blues and the occasional violet, like the flowers on her comforter. She sank her toes into the deep carpet and looked around. There was the Robert Pattinson poster on the wall near her desk, because Twilight or no Twilight, the guy was hot. And when he sang, he sounded like Ray LaMontagne. In the far corner, her old guitar was propped up against the wall, collecting dust and providing a little stand for the collection of hats that she never wore. Her closet door was open, her clothes tumbling out and across the floor in a riot of colors, twisted
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around boots and shoes and her school bag. She rubbed her hands over her face.
Her head was spinning, making her dizzy and feel something like panicked, but she couldn't seem to pick out any particular train of thought.
Liar. She smirked at herself in the late-night--or was it early-morning?--gloom. She didn't want to pick out any specific line of thought, because she was giving herself insomnia in an effort to keep from thinking about one particular thing.
Beau.
Which wasn't really working. But the truth was, Lila had no idea what to do about it. About him. Even if she could get past the way he'd looked at her before leaving her with Erik, there was the small matter of all the things he'd said to her in the car. Some of which she was not exactly thrilled to admit were probably true.
Lila sighed again and stood up, then tiptoed her way downstairs. The house was quiet all around her, with the faintest sound of her father's snores from behind her parents' door. She poured herself a glass of milk and took a big, soothing gulp.
She wandered aimlessly across the kitchen floor, her bare feet feeling the chill of the linoleum. She looked into the family room and saw that the family computer was still on and flashing