I turned with the rest of the crowd to watch as Nami walked in. Her dress was simple and elegant. White silk fitted to complement not only her coloring, but her figure as well. There was no veil or elaborate train, and the dress itself was relatively unadorned. I wasn't really paying much attention to the dress, however. I was too busy watching her face.
She was staring straight ahead, eyes fixed on her destination. While she was smiling, I could tell it was fake. She didn't look at her fiancé the entire way and, as I glanced towards Tanek, I saw that he wasn't looking at Nami either. He might've been turned in that general direction, but he wasn't watching her.
I didn't understand how they could do this. It was clear that neither one of them loved the other. Hell, they barely knew each other. How could Nami agree to marry this guy? Him, I got. Nami was rich and would be the queen someday. By marrying her, he'd be king and his kids would get to rule Saja one day. And if what Nami had said was true, he could fool around as much as he wanted because his bastards wouldn't have a claim on the throne. Nami's line was the one that mattered. So long as he got her pregnant, it wouldn't matter who else he knocked up.
My hands clenched at my sides. I didn't want to think about Nami conceiving a child with him, with anyone besides me. The realization hit me hard enough that I physically felt it. It wasn't that I just didn't want her to sleep with him. Yes, I hated the thought of him touching her, kissing her, being inside her, but it was more than that. I could picture her in my mind's eye, her stomach swollen with a child, and I knew that I wanted it to be my child.
I'd never really thought about kids before, not in any real sense. With Britni, we'd been expected to have a child, but I'd never imagined it, and certainly had never pictured Britni pregnant. I'd always wanted kids, but the idea had been far off, in a distant future, no matter how the years had passed. I hadn't even thought about them with Piper. Even though I'd insisted that I was in love with her, I'd never once imagined a future beyond a wedding. I hadn't considered what it would be like to grow old with her, what kind of mother she would've been. I knew she'd be a good one and when I thought of her and Julien having a child, I liked the picture I saw in my head.
I didn't want just a few more days or months with Nami. I wanted forever and everything that came with it. I wanted the strange food cravings and being yelled at in the delivery room. I wanted late night feedings and irritability from lack of sleep. I wanted the terrible two's and teenage rebellion. I wanted all of that as long as she was at my side. Dark curls streaked with silver. Aching bones and fading eyesight. All of the things that came with old age, they didn't scare me when I thought of going through them with her.
Her voice drew me back to the present. She was reciting her vows, repeating words similar to the ones I'd said not too long ago. I supposed it was hypocritical of me to question her choice, or to assume that her fiancé was only after the power and money. Hadn't I been there, marrying a woman I didn't love because it was what my parents expected of me? How could I fault either of them when I'd made the same choice? I would have regretted it now if it hadn't been for the fact that, had I not married Britni, Piper never would have chosen Julien and I wouldn't have left Philadelphia in the first place, which meant I never would've met Nami.
I had sometimes wondered if I hadn't married Britni, if Piper and I would have lasted. I knew we would've at least been together for a while because we'd had a true physical attraction to each other and had enjoyed spending time together. What I didn't know was if it would've led to a life in happiness or if she would've come to the same conclusion, that we really didn't love each other, not in the way we needed to.
As Nami and her fiancé joined hands, my heart twisted. It was almost over and Nami hadn't stopped it.
Had it been this way for Piper, I wondered. Had she felt sick to her stomach? Like her heart was being ripped from her chest? Like she couldn't get enough air into her lungs? I'd thought a lot about my wedding day over the short time Britni and I had been married. I'd thought about what would've happened if I'd stopped the ceremony, told Britni that I couldn't do it. If I'd walked down the aisle and claimed Piper right then. I'd never once tried to imagine what she must've been going through during the ceremony.
Was there a difference though? She'd said herself that we weren't truly in love. What I felt for Nami was real. I knew it in every fiber of my being, every cell. I'd never believed in soulmates or true love, even with Piper. Nami made me question everything I'd ever known. I wasn't whole without her. She was the one. The only one.
I missed the pronouncement, but looked up just in time to see Tanek kiss her. It was a fairly chaste kiss, but I could see the possessiveness even from where I stood. Tanek was making it clear to everyone present that Nami was his.
I leaned against the wall as the couple were presented to their people. I no longer trusted my legs to hold me. The pair walked down the aisle, Nami's arm looped through Tanek's, their stride evenly matched, as if they moved in perfect sync. Neither of them looked at anyone in the crowd and I was glad. I didn't want Nami to see me, and more than that, I didn't want to see her face, meet her eyes. I didn't think I could bear it if I saw her look at me with pity.
The wedding was over and the reception would begin shortly, so I knew I needed to leave. I forced my legs under me and began to walk out the way I'd come. I wasn't nearly as careful, but I wasn't seen. I wouldn't have cared if I had been spotted. Nothing mattered anymore. It was over.
Chapter 17
Nami
I wasn't entirely sure what I was expecting from my wedding day, but I did know that, as a child, when I'd pictured getting married, I'd always thought I would at least be happy. I'd always known that I wouldn't be allowed to choose my spouse, but when I was young, I'd dreamed that the man my parents chose would still, somehow, be the man of my dreams. He'd be worthy of the title prince, and later, king. A fairy tale in which the couple has a happily ever after.
Of course, as I'd gotten older, I'd realized that those kinds of things didn't exist. Still, I'd hoped for a marriage like my parents at the very least. Theirs had been arranged, but I knew they cared for each other. I didn't know how deep that ran or what kind of love they had for each other, but I knew they had been faithful and I'd seen them share affection. If I could not marry the man of my choosing, at least I could take comfort in the fact that my parents had married the same way and had spent the last thirty years in a good marriage.
Not once had I considered the nightmare to come. Saja had a low crime rate and laws that quickly and harshly punished violent offenders. Domestic violence and child abuse were treated the same as any other violent crime. We had always prided ourselves on how safe our country was, for visitors as well as citizens. Even if I hadn't been a princess, I wouldn't have ever thought my future husband capable of hurting me. As princess, the idea had been ludicrous, unthinkable.
And yet, I'd had to carefully apply make-up on my arms and neck to cover the fading bruises. Even as I walked down the aisle towards Tanek, I experienced twinges of pain from his assault. It wasn't so bad that I let it show. Aside from not wanting anyone present to know how he'd hurt me, I refused to give Tanek the satisfaction of knowing I still felt it.
The thing was, I knew I wouldn't be able to avoid it later tonight. It was my wedding night, and consummation was expected. It didn't matter that he'd already fucked me, or that I hadn't been a virgin when he'd done it. We'd be expected to have sex, and there to be proof of it on our sheets tomorrow morning.
After the ceremony, there would be a reception where we would be expected to greet our guests and pretend to be content, if not happy. Even the regular people in Saja knew that the marriage was arranged, though I was sure most of them thought it was something romantic. The other high society people at the wedding would better understand the truth, but I would still be expected to play my part.
I pushed aside thoughts of what was to come and tried to focus on the now. I didn't exactly want
to think about where I was now, but it was better than what was coming. I forced myself to focus on repeating the words my father said, a mix of the standard vows of several different religions. I didn't particularly care about any of them. I said what I had to say and that was enough.
When my father asked for anyone who protested the marriage to speak up, I tensed, half-expecting to hear Reed's voice declaring that I couldn't marry Tanek. I could imagine him saying he loved me and we were supposed to be together. I'd accepted my fate, but in that moment, I knew that if Reed had indeed shown up, I wouldn't have been able to turn him away.
I missed what my father said next, but I didn't need to hear it to know it had been him telling Tanek to kiss me. It was all I could do not to pull back and slap him as his mouth came down on mine. It was a fairly chaste kiss, the kind most would expect from a couple who barely knew each other, but it hadn't been our first. I hadn't been able to forget the feel of his lips, hard and demanding, his tongue nearly choking me.
I managed to get through the kiss without gagging and then took his arm as my father announced us. I allowed myself a quick moment to scan the crowd and my heart skipped a beat. Golden hair. Reed? Was it him, lurking in the shadows? Why would it be, though? I'd told him I'd made my choice. He'd probably been on a plane back to America that same afternoon. In fact, he was probably in bed with some gorgeous blonde right now, forgetting all about me.
Pain laced through me at the thought, but I kept a smile on my face. It wasn't a real one, but it was good enough to fool the people, if not my parents and my husband. Husband. I didn't even want to think the word, but I made myself dwell on it. I had no right to be jealous or hurt over anything Reed had done. I'd been the one who'd sent him away, who'd broken his heart.
Or maybe I was overestimating what we'd had, how he'd felt. Perhaps his heart had only been bruised alongside his ego. Perhaps I only wanted to think that he felt the same way I did, like my heart was being torn to shreds, every beat sending a new wave of pain through me. I'd felt like that from the moment I'd told Reed that I was choosing Tanek over him, and it had only gotten worse when Reed had showed up at the palace the next morning. Now, it was constant, a familiar presence that I'd almost become accustomed to. I wondered if I'd become numb to it after a while, and if that would be a blessing. Would not feeling anything be better than feeling what I felt?
Time began to move in jerky leaps and bounds as I found myself being moved from one table to another, shaking hands, kissing cheeks. The wealthiest and most influential of Saja's people were here. Some I knew well from seeing them at various functions over the years, others were strangers in all but name. It didn't matter though. They all wanted the same things: make sure the king and I both knew that they were present. The king for now, me for the future.
I danced and smiled, saying all the right things and behaving in a perfectly pleasant manner. I let Tanek put his hand on my arm and shoulders, pretending that I didn't find being near him repulsive. I smiled at my parents, pretending that I didn't hate them for what they were doing to me. I supposed I'd eventually forgive them, but at the moment, all I felt towards them was anger, and even that was not a strong enough word.
As evening turned into night, my father announced the end of the party. A few select guests were asked to stay, among them, my new in-laws. My already knotted stomach tightened even more. I knew what was coming next.
“We shall escort the new couple to the bridal suite,” my father announced.
I allowed Tanek to take my arm and I curled my fingers under to keep anyone from seeing how badly my hands were shaking. My parents walked on either side of us, Tanek's parents slightly behind them. The others my parents had asked to stay were back there too, but I didn't look at them. The only positive thing I could feel was gratitude that Halea had been allowed to leave and not be a part of the processional.
When we reached the doors of what was to be our new room, Tomas and Kai were waiting. Bodyguards outside the bridal suite on the wedding night was another tradition, to ensure that no one interrupted the consummation. I had a suspicion that my parents had put them there as much to make sure I didn't run off. I wouldn't though. I still had Tanek's threat ringing in my ears. Even if I told them now what he had done, I didn't know that it would make a difference. They wouldn’t believe me. Besides, my parents had already shown that they put the country above me. A divorce would tear things apart.
I lifted my chin. It didn't matter. It was done and I'd made my choice. This way, Halea would be safe and I would live with the consequences.
Tomas and Kai opened the double doors, bowing slightly as Tanek and I passed. As was tradition, the parents of the one marrying into the family walked over to the bed and, together, pulled down the covers. According to our history, it was done so that the parents could see that the sheets were pure white before the act. Tomorrow, they'd be removed from the bed and be packed away with all those nice bodily fluids that went along with consummation, kept as proof should there ever be a question of the marriage's legitimacy.
“May all higher powers, nature and the universe bless this union,” my father said.
I really hated the way he tried to cover all his bases. I knew for a fact he was an atheist who liked to mock other religions in private, but to the country, he always tried to make it sound like he was open to everyone. That was his public face, the one I knew I'd have to put on someday. I didn't know what I believed, but I promised myself that whatever it ended up being, I wouldn't pretend otherwise. In one area of my life, at least, I'd be myself.
“May their union bring forth many children.” Tanek's mother gave the appropriate response to my father's statement.
I didn't look at Tanek as our families and the others turned and walked out. I waited until the doors closed before I took my arm from Tanek's. The room was lit with candles, giving me an eerie feeling of dejá vu. I remembered my dream. The way my heart had raced, my hands shaking. My pulse was beating fast now, and my hands trembled, but it wasn't the same. Before, it had been all about desire, passion, the need to join with him, to be complete. Now, it was fear and anger, each one warring for dominance.
Before either one could win, Tanek's hand was buried in my hair, pain shooting through my scalp. I let out a pained yelp and he twisted my neck around.
“Silence!” he hissed. “Your guards will remain outside the door all night and I do not think you would like what will happen if they interrupt.”
I swallowed any other sound I might have made. I didn't know what exactly he would do, but I knew it wouldn't be good. Any hope I'd had that tonight wouldn't be painful for me had vanished, but at least Halea would be safe.
I clung to that thought as Tanek dragged me over to the bed. I couldn't completely suppress the pained moan when my knees struck the floor, but it wasn't loud enough to be heard. Cool air caressed my thighs as Tanek pushed my dress up around my waist.
“It is our wedding night,” Tanek said as he yanked down my panties. “And I will have your virginity.”
My mind didn't process his meaning until he spat and I felt his finger inside of me…not where I expected.
“I assumed you were not that much of a whore to your American men, and it seems I was right.”
I grabbed the sheet and shoved it in my mouth just in time to stifle my scream.
Chapter 18
Reed
The white silk robe perfectly complemented her dusky skin, but she was even more beautiful without it than she was with it. I watched as the material slipped from her shoulders, revealing the body that had been haunting my every waking and sleeping moment.
“Why are you staring?” she asked as she sauntered towards me. “You have seen many women naked before, including me.”
“Just enjoying knowing that you're mine.”
One arm went around her waist, pulling her towards me. The other cupped the back of her head. Her mouth was soft and sweet under mine. She tasted of peaches and cream. Her br
easts pressed against my chest, nipples already hard.
I slid my hand down to her ass, cupping the firm cheek. Her tongue curled around mine and I pulled her more tightly against me. My skin burned everywhere it touched hers and I walked her back to our bed.
Our bed.
Our room.
I loved the word.
I loved her.
I kissed the top of her head and brushed a few curls from her face. My family. Nami and our children. They were all that mattered. I didn't care if I lost everything else, as long as I had them...
I woke slowly, rolling towards the far side of the bed, arm outstretched. For a few beautiful seconds, I thought I could feel her next to me. My wife. And our children would be waking soon, running in to see if we were already up. Beautiful children with the perfect blend of Nami and myself. Each one unique and amazing. The family I'd always wanted.
My eyes opened as my fingers found the space next to me cold and empty. With the sight came the truth, hitting me hard enough that I struggled to breathe. Nami was married, but not to me. She would bear children, but not mine. The life I'd imagined, the family in my dream, neither of them were real. Pain shot through me, and I turned my face towards my pillow. The future I'd thought I would have had disappeared hours ago when Nami had spoken her vows. All I had left now were dreams, and the taste they left in my mouth was bitter.
For the first time, I wished I'd never met Nami Carr.
***
I considered staying in my hotel room and drinking alone, but knowing that Nami was probably, at this moment, preparing to go to bed with her new husband, I felt like drinking by myself would be an entirely new level of pitiful. I didn't feel like trying to find a club, mostly because it would remind me of how Nami and I had first met, but also because I didn't particularly want to be around people. I snorted a laugh. I was too proud to drink alone, but I didn't want anyone around either. A club was usually where people went to interact with others. I wanted to be left alone, which meant a bar.