“It doesn't matter what I think or feel,” she said softly. Her eyes slid away from mine.
“Of course it does.” I grabbed her chin and held her face in place. “Look at me, dammit!” She did, but her expression was guarded. I forced myself to speak quietly. “What you want matters, and no one who cares about you is going to say otherwise.”
She took a step back. “What I want is to marry Tanek on Saturday, as my family desires.”
Everything inside me turned to ice.
“Okay, then.” I nodded. I couldn't look at her. “If that's what you want.”
“I do.”
I should've felt pain at those words, knowing she'd be saying them again in only a few days, saying them to bind herself to another man. The man she wanted more than me. The man she'd be with forever. The thoughts piled onto each other until it was hard to breathe, but, still, no pain. I was numb. Every part of me, as if I'd been shot through with Novocain.
“I won't bother you again.” The words sounded hollow.
I stepped around her and walked over to the door I'd used the night before. I knew I'd need to be more careful sneaking out than I had been sneaking in, but even the thought of being caught and arrested for trespassing, or whatever else they could throw at me, couldn't spark anything in me. I thought I heard her say my name as I stepped into the maid's chambers, but I didn't stop or turn around. I needed to go, because I knew that once I felt again, it was going to be bad, and I couldn't be here when that happened.
I had enough sense to peek outside rather than just walk out, but everything seemed distant, like I was viewing it from some other place. My brain processed the grounds, the people, but none of it seemed real. I couldn't even feel the door against my fingers as I held it. This entire thing felt like a nightmare, the kind that seemed to go on for years.
I needed to leave. Now. The words prompted no urgency, but I moved anyway. There was a box on the step next to the door. I had no clue what was in it, or if it was important, and I didn't care. I didn't care about anything at the moment. I stepped outside, picked up the box and headed towards the same entrance I had used last night. I didn't know if my attempt at a ruse would work, but it was all I had. Hopefully, everyone would be so busy with wedding preparations that no one would think twice about a stranger carrying a package away from the house.
I passed by a few people who didn't even glance my way and then I was free. I stepped out onto the little side street, dropped the box, and began walking towards where I'd hidden my bags. I didn't know what to do now. Everything I owned was in these two bags. I'd had no plans besides finding Nami. No hotel reservations, no idea of where to go or what to do. I had money and the ability to get even more with a simple phone call and a new bank account.
What good would any of that do me, I thought. I could get a room, but to what end? Saja was beautiful, no doubt, but I had no purpose for being here. No purpose at all, in fact. I was worse off than I’d been when I'd left Philadelphia after Piper.
Piper. I almost laughed. She'd chosen Julien over me and had then told me not to give up on love. Great advice. Love was a joke. It didn't matter, and what was worse, I should've already known this. Duty and honor. Some people respected those. More respected money. Maybe that's what I should do. Find good investments. Make myself even richer than I already was. I'd have women hanging all over me. Gold diggers, but at least I'd know what they were.
I trudged down the sidewalk, ignoring the taxi that passed by. I'd been so sure that when I found Nami, everything would magically fall into place. We'd run away together and plan our future. Whatever she wanted was what I would want.
Only she'd said what she wanted, and it wasn't me.
I felt a faint crack in the numbness. The pain was coming soon and I didn't think anger would be enough to keep it at bay much longer.
Chapter 12
Nami
I heard myself say his name, but there was no conscious thought to it, only my need for him. It was something deep and primal, instinctual. He was in pain and I wanted to go to him, help him, take it away, but I was the cause of that pain. And I had my own to deal with. It was deep and excruciating, like I was tearing apart. The need to go to him only made it worse as I resisted it.
But I had to resist. If I went to him now, I wouldn't be able to give him up, no matter the cost. I'd follow him anywhere, go wherever he wanted. I would leave my family, my home, my responsibilities. The would-be marriage would never happen. My sister would take my place and what would be, would be. Saja would prosper, just as it always had. My parents were young and healthy. They would continue to rule for years. Who knew, maybe, in the future they'd accept my choice and things could be different.
I couldn't risk it though, no matter how much I wanted to. I couldn't take the chance that my parents would try to mold Halea, marry her off as soon as she turned eighteen. It was less than two years away, not enough time for me to convince my parents to change centuries of tradition. And it wouldn't be enough time with Reed. I knew that as soon as I heard the announcement of Halea's engagement, I'd come back. Every moment more I spent with Reed, the harder it would be to leave him if I had to. Better to make a clean break now.
As he walked out of the room and out of my life, I continued to tell myself that I'd done the best thing possible for both of us. Reed needed to forget me, forget that any of this had happened.
Involuntarily, my eyes dropped to the bed. The sheets were still in disarray, the evidence of what we'd done clear. I suddenly needed to be elsewhere. I couldn't stay in this room, the scent of sex and Reed thick in the air. I forced myself not to run. The maids would come in to clean and I couldn't risk any of them figuring out what I'd done.
I went through the motions automatically. Making the bed, straightening things. Lighting a few scented candles. I walked around the room, focusing on the least little thing that might give away my secret. The tension inside me was building, coiling me tighter and tighter until I needed release.
I pulled my robe more securely around my waist and knocked on the door. A moment later, I heard the lock click. Tomas opened the door and stepped aside, letting me out into the hallway. I didn't really want to be in the palace, but if I'd gone out to the grounds the same way Reed had, someone would figure it out and I wouldn't be able to use that particular exit if I really needed it in the future.
I almost laughed as I walked out of the room. I wasn't sure what I thought I'd use it for. Sneak out for another night on the town? I wasn't going anywhere soon. I didn't even get to have a honeymoon like a normal person. The Princess of Saja spent her honeymoon touring the country with her new husband, meeting the people.
The marble was cool beneath my feet and I could hear the footsteps of the guards behind me. Even in my own home, they were there, following. Watching. I wondered how many would come on my honeymoon. I supposed I should be thankful that Saja tradition no longer dictated that there be witnesses for the consummation of the marriage.
I turned down a short hallway and went into the bathroom. I didn't actually need to use it, but it was the only possible way for me to get rid of my bodyguards. I stayed inside for a minute. I didn't know where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do. Only that I wanted to do it alone.
I slipped out of the other door and cut through the library. I wanted to be outside. There was something about fresh air and sunshine that spoke of freedom more than the richest palace in the world. And freedom was what I craved. Freedom to love and be myself, to make my own choices. I wouldn't ever have that freedom, but I could at least, for a short time, have the illusion of it.
The palace gardens were quite beautiful, perfectly maintained and lush with exotic flowers that were both native to Saja and ones brought in from around the world. My parents often took people into the gardens to impress them. That wasn't where I wanted to go though. What most people didn't know was that there was a small alcove just off of the garden where nature had been allowed to take its cou
rse. Wild roses native only to Saja covered the stone walls and the paths were overgrown. I'd often gone there as a child when I wanted to be alone or when I was upset.
Although, I had to admit, my childhood fears and hurts were nothing like what I was feeling right now. I'd never had a broken heart before, not even a childhood crush like most children had. I'd had my fair share of hurts and slights. Even being a princess hadn't kept me from the cruelty of gossip and fake friends. If anything, being who I was had made it worse. But still, nothing could compare to what I was feeling now.
Leaving Reed in Venice had been insanely difficult and it had hurt, but it was nothing like this. I'd been able to tell myself that it had been a simple one-night stand, a crazy fling that I'd get over soon enough. And then he'd come for me. I couldn't brush aside what that had meant. Something had shifted between us.
I didn't know if it had happened when I'd opened the door and saw him or when I'd kissed him, but I did know that by the time I let him into my bedroom, every touch meant more. Neither of us had said anything about it, but I'd known he'd felt it too.
He'd been right. The moment I'd seen him, I should have made him go. Told him about the engagement and sent him on his way. I would've been sad, I knew, but I wouldn't feel like my heart was being ripped from my chest. It was crazy to feel so strongly for someone I barely knew, but I couldn't deny it.
“Princess Nami.”
I jumped, stepping off the path and nearly crushing a few bright yellow flowers. I put my hand on my chest, feeling my heart pound against my palm.
“I apologize if I startled you.”
Tanek stepped out of the shadow of what I thought was a fruit tree of some kind. The paths through the garden were the same, but the flora had changed since I'd last been here.
“Sorry, I was lost in thought.” I managed not to stammer, but it was a close thing. “A lot on my mind.”
“I imagine so,” he said with a charming smile. “A wedding and a honeymoon are no small feat.”
I nodded and stepped back onto the path. I wasn't entirely sure what to say to him. He was going to be my husband and I didn't know how to talk to him. He held out his arm. I didn't want to touch him or have a discussion. All I wanted to do was be alone and cry.
But, I was a princess and princesses rarely got what they wanted, contrary to what most people thought. I smiled at Tanek and hooked my arm through his.
The height difference between us wasn't as much as it was between Reed and I, and I found myself able to look up at Tanek without getting a crick in my neck. I tried studying him objectively, seeing him as I would have if last night, if Venice, hadn't happened. He was handsome, with fairly rugged features. That was good. The people would subconsciously trust him more than they would a ‘pretty boy’, as the girls in America might say. Even if I was ruler, they would want someone who appeared strong at my side.
“May I ask a question?” Tanek asked, breaking the silence.
“Of course.” We went along the curve of the path, away from my private garden. Tanek would share my bed and my life, but I would keep at least one thing for myself.
“Why are you out in the garden in your robe?” His voice was pleasant, but something in me squirmed.
“I woke up and was in the mood for some fresh air.” I stopped as the path took us between a small copse of trees. “I missed the gardens while I was away.”
“That is right,” he said as he released my arm and stepped in front of me. “You attended college in America.”
“I did.” I resisted the urge to step away, to put some distance between us. I had to get used to it at one time or another, and considering the wedding was in a couple days, it'd probably be a good idea to do it sooner rather than later.
“Did you enjoy your time there?” He reached up to twist a curl around his finger.
When his knuckles brushed against my cheek, it was all I could do not to flinch. His touch was unfamiliar, I told myself. That was all. But Reed's touch had once been the same and I'd reacted differently from that first moment. I'd wanted his hands on my body, his arms, his lips...
I gave myself a mental shake and tried to remember the question. “Yes,” I said. “I enjoyed myself.”
“I thought so.” He took another step towards me, something darkening his eyes. “How much did you enjoy yourself, I wonder?”
My heart thumped painfully against my ribcage. My instincts screamed at me to run, but I was a princess. The future queen of Saja. I did not run from anyone. I squared my shoulders.
“What, exactly, are you implying?” I made my voice as cold as possible.
He put his hand on my waist. “How far did the American boys get?” His hand slid up and grasped my breast.
I jerked back and my palm cracked against his cheek. “How dare you! How dare you speak to me in such a manner, touch me without my permission!” My face was flaming, my temper flaring back to the surface from where it had retreated under hurt. “I am the princess. Your ruler.”
Tanek's cheek was red, but his eyes were blazing. Before I could react, he grabbed my arm and jerked me towards him. I opened my mouth to scream. I'd have him in jail for this. His fist sank into my stomach, driving the air from my lungs so that all I could do was gasp.
“You are a princess, but you do not rule me.” He hissed, his face an inch from mine. “I am to be your husband and you will learn your place.”
He shoved his hand between the folds of my robe, groping my breast. His fingers twisted my nipple cruelly, sending pain shooting through me. I cried out, but it wasn't much of a sound.
“Perhaps what you need is to know what it means to be a wife.” He released my breast and pushed his hand between my legs.
I fought against him, pressing my thighs together. He let go of my arm and buried his fingers in my hair, yanking my head back. He pulled at the belt of my robe as he dragged me off the path and threw me to the ground.
“How many?” He asked as he pressed his knee into my chest. “How many men did you take, whore?”
I glared at him, hitting at him, for all the good it did. I could barely breathe and my blows were weak. I felt the adrenaline racing through my veins, but it didn't do me any good without oxygen.
“First I shall make you mine.” He began to unbuckle his pants. “Then I will punish you for allowing someone else to take what is mine.” He wrapped his hand around my throat and leaned down so that his lips were next to my ear. As the world began to go gray, he whispered, “I will be your king and you will obey me.”
As he shoved my legs apart, I prayed that the darkness would come and keep me.
Chapter 13
Reed
The capital of Saja, it turned out, had several nice hotels in varying price ranges, all located within walking distance of one of their beautiful beaches. It was the kind of place people would visit and call paradise. The kind of place men would take their wives on their honeymoon, on special anniversaries.
I snorted a laugh and turned away from the window. I'd gotten the best room at the best hotel, almost out of habit rather than any real desire to have a nice room. I hardly noticed it, processing main room, kitchenette, bathroom, bedroom. No details. No appreciation for anything around me.
I walked into the bathroom, stripping as I went. I was exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. Between the jet lag and the lack of sleep last night, I would've been half-dead on my feet even if I hadn't been through hell emotionally. I stood under the shower spray, barely registering if the water was hot or cold. I was still wrapped in that numb cocoon, but I knew it was like an eggshell, fragile and ready to break at any moment.
I toweled off, dropping it at the foot of the bed before I climbed under the covers. I didn't care that it was still morning, I just wanted to sleep. I supposed I should've been thankful for the jet lag and lack of sleep since I was too tired to overthink anything, then I sank down towards the darkness. For a moment, I saw a flash of Nami's face, of her eyes, and
had a sudden, sharp fear that vanished as I fell asleep.
I woke up hours later, with no idea of how much time had passed, only the strange disorienting feeling that came with sleeping during the day. I rolled over and squinted at the clock. Four o'clock. I was never going to get back on the right schedule if I didn't get up now. I could still manage to get to sleep tonight, even if it wasn't until late.
I sat up, rubbing my eyes. My stomach growled and I remembered that I hadn't really eaten much of anything over the past two days. I wasn't hungry in the sense that I wanted to eat, but I knew I needed to. I didn't want to try to figure things out or try to make any sort of decision when I wasn't thinking clearly.
I picked up the phone and called down for room service. Fortunately, I didn't have to wade through native cuisines as they had plenty of other options. I picked a roast beef sandwich and some random sides because they seemed to be the easiest rather than caring anything about appetizing. It also seemed to be a fairly quick preparation as they knocked less than fifteen minutes later. I was halfway to the door before I realized I was naked and had to stop and grab my towel. I wrapped it around my waist, accepted the cart and settled on the sofa to eat.
I didn't really taste anything, more focused on not thinking than I was on the food. I should be thinking. The thoughts were there, buzzing at the back of my mind like bees, but not the nice little honey bees we were supposed to like. No, these were angry bees, ones that wanted to sting and kill.
I sighed and put down what was left of my sandwich. As much as I didn't want to, I needed to figure out what I was going to do now. I'd spent my time in Philadelphia thinking about getting here, and not much about what came after. I'd assumed Nami and I would figure things out when it came time for that. I'd never even considered what I'd do if she didn't want me. Sure, I'd known that was a possibility, but I'd put it up there with the possibility of my plane crashing on the way here. Something that could happen, but a remote possibility.