Part of me felt resistance though I said, “Sure, sounds good.” Something inside me said, 'Go for it' even though I already had a nice buzz. This time I decided against the no-taste method and simply tossed them in and chewed.
“Josh, how do they really taste?” Rudy asked.
“Not quite so disgusting this time.”
“This time? Like it's a different batch. Good man.”
Rudy punched me in the arm and Tess gave me a look of approval as we stood from our rock seats and walked back to our waiting skis and poles.
Soon we were en route in the same line-up. I think Rudy sensed how much I wanted to follow Tess for the view, but he didn't seem to mind as he trailed behind a good way back. He smoked pot and cigarettes daily so he probably didn't want to feel the need to keep a certain pace.
As we continued, The Edge was bent outward, always in our view. Every five minutes I turned around to spot our resort's mountain summit, which made it easy to gauge progress. My breathing was deep but not labored. I'd been skiing and working at the mountain all winter. My legs felt strong, and I no longer doubted my ability to complete the hike in good fashion.
Locked into our skis we went along, skating across the mostly flat traverse, poles planting steadily, Sam, Tess, me, then Rudy. The talking shut down and the thinking inevitably took over. I found myself doing some hard-core philosophizing.
My brain had a mind of its own. What is this experience all about? Why are we here anyway? Is this all really happening? The combination of the shrooms, the pot, the Jager, the exercise, the lack of oxygen, the sexual attraction to Tess and the fear within me activated a mind set that was far from normal. My thoughts became random, bizarre and fast moving. I felt like I bordered on insanity, yet I found it strangely enjoyable. I laughed out loud—maniacal laughter. Just a few yards in front of me, Tess didn't seem to notice, probably stuck in her own bizarre thought patterns. To a degree, I worried that the shrooms would overtake me, and I might do something completely odd or dangerous. But I didn't dwell on it. There was so much fascinating nature happening around me. The way the snow ripped up like frozen waves on the ridgeline. The lime green color emanating out from the granite rocks. The shine energy force of the all-mighty sun, warming my cheeks. Anyone who's tripped on psychedelics would probably agree that it's good to be outdoors when you're losing your mind.
I felt the need to share my thoughts and caught up with Tess. For a while we skated side by side, talking about the effect of the shrooms and such random and unrelated subjects from grade school teachers to beer quality. Rudy trailed even further back, well beyond conversation distance. He had eaten a little more than the rest of us and probably didn’t mind the time to himself.
I finally got up the nerve to ask her. “What's up these days? Are you seeing anybody?”
“Why do you ask?” she said, mildly interested in what prompted my question.
“I don't know,” I stammered. “I didn't mean it like that.”
She seemed to enjoy watching me squirm. “Not really,” she said. “Dating in the official sense usually complicates things that were once good. Know what I mean?”
“Oh yeah,” I said, wishing I had those problems. She probably saw right through me.
“Are you seeing anyone?” she asked.
“Nah, I like my life uncomplicated. Don't want to feel tied down.”
Tess shook her head and laughed. After a moment, I did too.
As we got closer to The Edge, Sam had pulled over and was clicking out of his ski bindings. It would be necessary to boot-hike into it by going around its back side, across and up a rock-strewn area that extended several hundred yards all the way to our destination. I hadn’t foreseen it since this part of the terrain is hidden from the view back at our resort area. Tess took off after Sam as Rudy caught up to me and began clicking out of his bindings.
“Guess we walk from here,” I said to Rudy. He glared at me and grinned wildly. “Are you okay?” I asked.
He laughed like I had just said the most ridiculous thing possible. “Never better!”
Great, I thought. At least he hasn't completely lost his mind. Hope I haven't either.
Carrying my skis and poles while rock-jumping in my plastic boots proved to be quite tricky and dangerous, especially since the shrooms created slight hallucinations. The visual patterns of the rocks blended into each other with moving waves of fluidity that made them seem more like liquid than solid objects. My brain tried to remind me, the rocks are not liquid because rocks are not liquid.
Sam blazed ahead with Tess a ways behind him. I took my own sweet time and concentrated through every step, reminding myself that rocks are not water and how easy it would be to get hurt there. After twenty minutes of climbing this awkward terrain, I looked up to the final destination. What I saw was so amazing, a series of tingles cascaded down my spine.
The rock field we were climbing led straight through two pillars of granite that housed a small platform of snow that overlooked the abyss. And to the right of these pillars was a gigantic rock formation, which looked exactly like one of those annoying monkey dolls that plays cymbals when you wind it up. Except this monkey had no cymbals.
A giant Buddha monkey overseeing the palace throne, the keeper of The Edge, a guard to the sacred temple of fear reminded me; this is a special place indeed. Wondering if I was shrooming too hard and imagining more than was really there, I turned back to Rudy and asked him if he saw anything peculiar ahead. He glanced up for a second.
“What? You mean Binkey?” he replied.
Yes, Binkey! He saw it, too, exactly as I had. I found it phenomenal this rock formation was the last thing to pass as we approached The Edge. It added a sense of holiness and meaning to our mission. This was a sacred place, an area not to tread lightly. And there's a giant granite Buddha monkey named Binkey at the entrance to prove it! I bowed my head to Binkey, showing my respect and hoping not to piss off any snow spirits for poaching their slope. I climbed the remaining rocks and was greeted by a cozy platform of packed snow, about twelve by twenty feet between the mighty pillar walls. Sam and Tess were waiting and excited.
“You know, there are actually two places where you can drop in,” Sam informed Rudy and me as we arrived.
“Two?”
“Yes.” Sam pointed to the left, “If you walk around this mound there's another spot to enter from. I've already had a look at it. It's definitely easier than this way.”
I inched out uncomfortably to get a glimpse over the edge. I couldn't believe how far out my head had to be before I could see the field of snow-pack below. The world seemed to disappear beneath me. It was, by far, the steepest run I had ever looked over.
“Jesus Christ,” I uttered. No other words came to mind.
“It's not steep, is it?” Rudy joked as he approached to get a view.
“Doesn't look too bad,” Sam said.
“Oh my God, that’s so steep,” Rudy said. “We're going to fall off the edge of the world!”
“Are you guys still shrooming?” Tess asked.
“I am like a demon. I don't know about Josh.”
“Hell yes, I'm shrooming. I'm peaking right now!”
“Good, that'll ease your nerves,” Sam said. My nerves didn’t feel at ease.
Tess grabbed some snow from the ground, formed a little ball and tossed it over. We watched as it plunged down the slope at breakneck speed, sending dozens of mini snow trickles following its wake. They went a long, long, way very fast. I couldn’t help imagining that could be me tumbling in similar fashion.
“Still looks kind of firm,” Sam observed. “The sun’s on it. Better give it another twenty minutes to soften up.”
We agreed and patted out seats in the snow. We drank water and shared Sam's trail mix and slices of my apples. Looking at Rudy as he sat with his back against the jagged rock, my brain started feeling crazy again as I imagined how it would look if suddenly the platform gave way and fell desperately dow
nward, dragging us with it. I shared this concept with Rudy. He told me not to think of such things.
“Seems like an odd time for bats,” Rudy said, looking up. “Does anyone else see that?”
I checked the sky but didn't see one. “What kind of bat?”
“The normal kind, a little black one with wings. Over there,” Rudy said, pointing at the hallucination.
“No,” Sam said, “but I saw a blue snake in the snow earlier that I'm pretty sure wasn't real either.”
“I'm feeling a little nervous,” Tess said. She echoed my thoughts and probably those of the others.
“You'll be fine,” I said, trying to control the trembles in my voice.
“What the hell, Tess? You're the best skier here,” Rudy said.
“I am not,” she objected.
“Oh yes, you are,” Sam said. Rudy and I concurred.
“I didn't mean it that way. You guys are awesome skiers.”
“Just hope I'm awesome when the time comes,” I said. “Think I'll go check out that other line Sam was talking about.”
I got up and hiked over toward the entrance of the second way to approach the slope. Again, it was incredibly steep and took quite an effort to stick my head out far enough to see the field of snow below. The space required to ski into it was very narrow for just a few turns and not quite as steep as the other side, then it joined the main slope. I wondered how I could have missed seeing this from our ski area. I looked over that way, to our resort area, and hoped some bright person with excellent eyesight might see me standing at The Edge. I made a snowball, tossed it in and watched it fall. The snow sounded a bit softer than before. It sounded very skiable. Has it been twenty minutes already? I reminded myself that I was on the brink of sanity and not to do anything stupid.
So I returned to the others to declare I was ready and would go first.
“Really? Are you sure?” Sam said.
“Yes. Don't know why, but I want to. I'll be fine.”
“Wow, Josh,” Tess said, hopefully impressed with my moment of bravery.
“Alright. We'll stay here,” Sam said. “It's a much better view from this side.”
“Watch and see how the snow looks,” I said. “Hopefully it's carve-able but not too slushy.”
“Perfect,” Rudy said. “We can watch you from here and decide which way we'll enter. If you die, we'll try this way.”
“Okay, give me time to get over there and set up,” I said, though I stared downward at the snow pack caught in a moment of fear as my body shook once more, realizing what I had just signed up for. The others gazed at me, trying to determine if I was really shaking or goofing around.
Tess grabbed me by the shoulders and held me until I looked up at her squarely in the eyes. I hadn't realized until then that they were hazel brown with a golden tone, happy and warm while also seeing me clearly. I knew then that Tess's eyes may have been her best physical feature.
“Josh, you're going to do great,” she said, still holding me at the shoulders. “Just promise me one thing; stay focused, okay?”
“I feel like one of your students,” I said, although the attention meant the world to me.
“Promise to stay focused every moment,” Tess insisted. “When you're out there, don't think about us watching, don't think about me, don't think about anything. Don't even think about the last turn; just stay focused on what you're doing at each moment.”
“Okay. Okay.”
She wrapped her arms around my back and gave me a great hug that embarrassed me even though I never wanted it to end.
“I would have gone first if I knew there was a hug in the deal,” Rudy said.
She finally let me go.
“Thanks, Tess. I'll stay focused.”
I collected my gear and headed back across the rock divider. I took one last look at Binkey and descended to the small platform. I readjusted my boots for the perfect fit as my breathing became more intense along with my heartbeat. I brushed the nooks of my bindings with my fingers to rid them of the smallest snow and dirt particles. I clicked into my skis and pulled the straps tight on my backpack. I cleaned my sunglasses thoroughly, then put on my gloves and wrapped them in the pole straps as I gripped the handles. I cleared my head and began reminding myself how confidence was key, how I was going to go into this thing and just do it, and it was going to be great fun. I reminded myself that I was tripping hard on shrooms, but that it was okay because I would never intentionally hurt myself. I took a few breaths and knew it was time. Time to focus on the moment, as Tess had said. Then I heard something move.
Turning around, I saw two guys standing a several yards behind me. It was startling. They were about my age, dressed in powder suits and telemark boots. They didn't speak, and I didn't know what to say. Who the hell were these guys? And how did they happen to time this meeting just as I was about to drop in? We hadn't seen one single person for miles all day, and now there were two guys standing right behind me. The feeling was creepy.
“How’s it going?” I finally said.
“Pretty good. You gonna ski this?”
“I'm gonna try.”
“Looks intense. You live around here?”
And then the conversation started. I told them about Sam, Tess and Rudy and how we worked at the ski hill down the ridgeline. I didn't tell them about the shrooms, but I wanted to. Because it was taking so long, I yelled across to the others that we had company, but the wind had picked up and the rock was too big for them to hear anything I said. I explained to the telemarkers how my friends were watching for me and how remarkable it was that they had appeared just as I was ready to go. They said they didn't want to hold me up.
“Have a good one. Maybe we'll see you on the other side,” one of them said.
That's a laugh, I thought. They were going to ski this on pins? Right.
I went through my mind-calming routine again, and I was ready. I sidestepped my way to the edge and looked over, allowing the tips of my skis to hang freely over the open space. Jesus, it was steep.
The first turn's the hardest. The first turn's the hardest. You just have to go for it. PUNCH IT!
And I went over the edge.