Page 18
Author: Nyrae Dawn
And then she’s gone.
* * *
“We are so slow tonight. ”
I look up at Delaney as she leans against the bench seat across from me. I’ve been at the diner for the past few hours. I ate pancakes and watched as she cleaned every table twice.
“I’ve noticed. ” I close The Count and set it on the bench next to me. I almost try to hide it, but it doesn’t matter. She knows I read it and I’m not sure why I don’t feel the need to pretend I don’t anymore. “And your cook hasn’t come out of the kitchen once to check on you. That pisses me off. ”
It’s my excuse for being here. What if something happens? What if the assholes come back? But I also know that’s exactly what it is. An excuse for being in the one place I’ve felt sane in a long time. I don’t want to consider why that is.
“He knows you’re here. ”
I let those words sink in. Let them feel good when they shouldn’t. They might not know it, but I do a shitty job of protecting people.
“Want to sneak in the bathroom with me?” I tease.
She rolls her eyes. “Not going to happen. ”
“Sit with me. ” I nod my head across the table. Delaney looks around as though she needs to make sure the empty diner didn’t suddenly fill up with people while she wasn’t looking. When she’s sure it’s okay, she sits down, watching me. Both of my elbows rest on the table and I hold my hands out, palms up. She studies me for only a second before her palms rest on mine.
We hold each other, as though neither of our eyes can divert away. Questions dance in her eyes. I let myself smirk before I jerk my good hand out from under hers and lightly smack the top of it.
“Oh my God. You’re a cheater. You didn’t tell me we were playing!”
“Wasn’t it obvious?”
She laughs. It’s soft, but you can tell nothing’s more real. It starts in her stomach and builds until it rolls out of her mouth. I want to catch it, to do the same thing.
“Considering I haven’t played the slap game since I was twelve, no. ” Another laugh. I lift my middle finger and rub it across her palm, to tell her we’re playing again. Or just to feel her shiver.
“What about your hand?” she asks.
“It’s fine. It’s healing. I only keep it bandaged up so you’ll baby me. ”
At that, she straightens in her seat. Gets a cutthroat look in her eyes that tells me she’s ready to take me down. We sit there for an hour, playing the slap game, thumb wars, whatever else we can think of. I count her laughs, memorize the sound and wonder if she’s keeping track of mine too. It’s stupid. So fucking stupid, but it feels good and I don’t remember the last time I felt good. More than just physically, at least.
When a customer comes in, the little ghost gets up and does her job. I watch her seat them and take their order and bring them drinks. The sway of her hips when she walks and the curve of her ass drive me crazy.
Soon her shift is over, and I’m walking her out. I back her against her car, cup her cheeks in my hands, and say, “We’re still dancing around this. I want you. Come home with me. ”
Because that’s the only thing I can admit. The only thing I understand—a physical want.
She sighs. “I want to… I just don’t know if I should. ”
“Because of your fucking brother?” I ask. It takes her a minute to reply. I expect her to tell me I’m wrong. To give me another reason. Maybe to say because it’s me.
“You don’t understand. I’m his little sister. He thinks he has to take care of me. We’re all each other has. I haven’t talked to him since you left and I can’t not go home. He’d worry. ”
Funny, I almost get what she’s saying. Even though it was Angel protecting me, covering for me and fixing my mistakes, I always thought I would be able to do the same thing for her.
Only, I left instead. Left her alone with the memories of the little boy she loved so much.
Emotion fights to get to the surface and I want nothing more than to shove it down again. I’ll do anything to make it go away. Leaning into Delaney, my body holds her against her car. “Are you ever going to let me inside?” I ask, grinding into her so she feels the hard length of me. It makes me a prick, falling back on this time and time again, but being a prick is better than cutting myself open and letting my secrets leak out.
“Are you?” she tosses back at me. “Doesn’t feel so good, does it? You throw sexual stuff at me, because you know it builds up those barriers. Maybe I should do the same with the truth?”
I respect the hell out of her for calling me on it. For not letting me get away without knowing that she sees this game I’m playing with her. So I let a tiny seed of truth slip out. “It hurts too much to let myself bleed. ” Those words are more than I’ve given any other girl. They’re a truth I wouldn’t share with anyone, but yet I gave them to her.
“Sometimes we need to bleed to heal… and… I just want…” She covers her face with her hands. I don’t move away from her and don’t pull her hands away either. I let her fight whatever battle she’s waging because it doesn’t work that way. She can’t fight mine and I can’t fight hers. “I like you. ” Her hands slide away. “I can’t believe I said that. It probably sounds stupid, but I do. I didn’t expect it and I don’t know how to deal with it, but I just want you to be okay. ”
Jesus, she’s honest. Honest in a way I’ve never been. Not when I was hiding Dad’s bruises or cleaning up puke while he raped my mom in the bedroom. I wasn’t honest about Ash.
“I’ll never be okay. This is it for me. ”
“Delaney! I’m glad you haven’t left yet. Can you come back inside for a second?”
I don’t look behind me at the sound of the female voice coming from the diner.
“Umm. Yeah. I’ll be right there. ” Delaney tries to look at me again, but I take a step backward. She follows, moving toward me before her lips come down on my swollen eye.
“I’m sorry Maddox hit you. I’m sorry for everything. All I want is for it to be okay. ”
She’s such an optimist that I want to laugh, but I don’t.
“Tonight,” she tells me. Honesty mixes with sincerity on her face.
If I were a real man, I’d walk away. I’d tell her no and never show my face again. Or better yet I’d open my fucking mouth and spill the truth. How I let an innocent little boy die and I let Angel save me and let Mom get hurt and how I left my sister behind despite everything she did for me. But I can’t do any of that. Instead I kiss her ear. “You haunt me. ”
I squeeze her hand, walk to my car, and drive away.
Chapter Fourteen
~Delaney~
I hardly hear the other waitress as she rambles on about the schedule change. That the manger called and they caught the people who tried to rob the diner. One of them confessed, she says, but her words don’t register.
When I get home, I struggle to remember the drive here. The whole time I think about Adrian and I remember what his breath felt like against my ear. For the first time, I know I got a partial glimpse of the real him. Yes, I knew he hurt. Obviously. I know there are demons and pain and regret in his past, but listening to him speak, seeing the loneliness in his features and even in the way he touched me. No, I never realized how very deep it ran.
Which does nothing to wipe out my guilt.
And it also makes me connect to him more. “You haunt me. ” His words so soft in my ear. They did something to me. I like him. That much is true, though I can’t believe I admitted it so bluntly, but more than ever before, I feel that invisible thread between us. Feel it tighten and strengthen and not just because of the past we’re both linked to.
Because of him. There’s something special about him. And it’s scary. Scary as hell. But not as scary as the fact that I need to tell him. That I owe him this and I don’t know how to do it.
Instead of going straight to bed when I get home, I soak in a bath. I fill it with bubbles and let it try and wash away my thoughts. It doesn’t work and I think maybe, maybe I might be glad of it.
When I get out, I dress in my pajamas. Maddox is sleeping on the couch, so I’m quiet as I walk back into my room. Unease gnaws at my stomach as I dial the hospital to talk to my mom. I’ve tried before and she won’t speak to me. I’m not surprised, though; she never wants to talk to me, but I can’t stop myself from seeing if she’s okay.
When the operator answers, I ask for her room. She patches me through and Mom’s groggy voice comes over the line on the third ring.
“Hey, Mom. It’s me. ”
“Who else would it be? It’s not as though I have a husband anymore. And my son doesn’t give a shit about me. ” Her voice is harsh. It’s not a good day, though when it comes to me, I guess it never really is.
“How are you? How are things going?”
She skips my question completely. “Where’s your brother? I want to speak to my son. ”
My heart aches at her words, aches because even though she loves Maddox more, I don’t get why she can’t love me. Because I was suddenly a daddy’s girl and that has somehow turned me into a monster in her eyes and Maddox into an angel?
Which I could handle, if it gave her—or him—some comfort, but I know it doesn’t because Maddox wants nothing to do with her, the same way she wants nothing to do with me.
“He’s not here. He’s—”
The line goes dead. I try not to let the empty air squeeze through my pores and find its way inside me. I don’t need it there. Not anymore. I would do anything to bring our family back together. Why doesn’t she see that?
I will the tears away, not wanting to shed them today. I cry too much. For now, I only want to sleep. Sleep and pretend nothing is the way it is.
* * *
“I need you to call Mom,” I tell Maddox when I wake up. He’s sitting on the small balcony, smoking a cigarette again.
“Good morning to you too. ” He takes another pull on the cancer stick.
“I’m serious, Maddy. I called to check on her this morning and she hung up on me. You know she would rather talk to you. We need to make sure everything’s okay. ”
“If she hung up on you, that says she’s okay. That she’s like she always is. ”
“You know—”
“No, actually, I don’t know what you mean. ” He stands, leans against the railing and looks at me. “You say I take too much blame, but look at you, Laney. You think you’re going to save us all. You keep pushing, trying to fix her when she treats you like shit. You’re getting close to that prick, thinking you’ll make it better, when you know he’s just going to hurt you. ”
I refuse to hear the truth in his words. Refuse to discuss Adrian with him. “Just call her. Two minutes. That’s all I ask. ”
He sighs. “Why do you do this to yourself?”
The way he looks at me breaks my heart. I know he loves me. Know he feels like he has an obligation to take care of me because Mom was so mad at me, so hurtful after Dad went to prison. Her words try and find their way into my head, but I slam the door on them like I always do.
“I know we’ve been fighting a lot and I hate that. You’re my brother… my best friend. I know I push you and we don’t understand each other, but I need this. I need you to check on her and I need… I want us to get along. I don’t want to fight with you anymore. ”
He closes his eyes tightly. I see his jaw tense. “You’re too good for the way she treats you. I hate her for that. You didn’t deserve any of this, little sister. ”
Taking a step forward, I hug him. Hug him even though he stinks like cigarettes. The embrace doesn’t last long and then he’s pulling away. Dialing the phone and grunting a hello into it when she answers. And then he listens as she talks. Asks how she’s doing. She doesn’t hang up on him. She doesn’t yell. It’s Maddox who says he has to go a few minutes later.