“Yeah, well you are. Besides we all owe you big time for taking Alex’s place. You blew us away today. Even Shane and he never gets flustered over anything, especially a chick.”
“Yeah, well he seemed really ticked off at me for coming by and playing. I didn’t mean to show off or anything. I just really missed playing like that. It was...something,” I laughed. I unlocked the door and said goodnight to Ethan again, knowing that he would be a nice friend to have around.
I tiptoed into my room. I cursed out loud for forgetting to do laundry again, so I kept on my clothes. Looks like the spin cycle and I have a hot date tomorrow morning.
Slipping under the covers, my cell phone started blaring it’s harsh sirens. I jumped for the phone, stumbling through my blankets and falling with a hard thud on the floor. I didn’t bother to look at the number, because I was in so much pain from how I had landed.
“Hello?” I said through gritted teeth.
“Where are you?” That raspy low sexy voice demanded. It was angry.
“I’m in bed, Shane. Honestly, right now I’m on the damn floor. Why are you calling me?”
“Is Ethan with you?” It was a whisper; a harsh painful and heartbreaking whisper. And I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want him to pretend to care about who was with me. It confused me and scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want these intense hormonal feelings to overtake my sane mind every time he was in reach of me and his eyes looked at me the way they did. I didn’t want to be another one of his many. I was in love with something else.
“No.”
A long sigh floated to my ears overwhelming me. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have...”
“Don’t feed me any of your crap, Shane. I have no idea why you think you can call me at any hour and pretend you give a crap about who I leave a bar with.”
“Stop, Grace. Please!” Shane yelled into the phone. “I have a whole speech I need to say and...”
“Yeah, yeah, Shane. Four whores and seven beers ago...save it, Shane. I don’t care what you have to say to me. It’s none of your business if I take home an entire football team. Are you just pissed because you didn’t get a crack at it first? You can’t even comprehend how someone isn’t fazed by your rock god status. Well get it through your skull, you’re not a thought in my mind. So get on with your life. And don’t be pissed off at me because I tried to do you and your friends a favor by showing you I can play a few instruments. You don’t want me to play with you guys; fine. I DON’T CARE!” I poked my finger hard at the end button on my phone, hanging up on him. There’s no way I’m going to let him get the last word!
My entire body spiked with the heat of the surging adrenaline bolting through my veins. Beads of sweat burst through my pours. I pulled my clothes off. Sleeping in my bra and panties would have to do. I sank myself into my sheets and curled into a ball. Closing my eyes, I tried desperately to remember the reasons that I kept moving on. But just like it’s done so often lately, my mind got muddled and I couldn’t even focus myself on those ancient blue eyes. Nothing seemed to calm me down.
A soft tapping at the window jarred me to my senses. Honestly, it made me want to scream and call 911, but like the cheesy horror movie my life was, I went to the window wrapped in my bed sheet and pulled the curtain to the side. Standing there covered in snow was Shane. I let the curtain fall back. I should let him freeze out there.
“Grace, please! It’s freaking cold out here.” His voice was muffled from the glass. I ignored him. “Grace, I swear I will ring your doorbell until I wake everybody up. Open the damn window!”
I pushed the curtain aside, unlocked the latch and opened the window. About a foot of snow seemed to blow in with Shane, although I couldn’t tell which substance was colder. He surveyed my room, no doubt looking for Ethan. The relief was visible in his expression.
Then his eyes really focused on me. “You’re not dressed, are you? Is that your sheet?”
I held the sheet tighter and looked away. “What. Do. You. Want?”
Without warning, he stalked toward me. My breath caught in my throat. In the bright moonlight, streaming through the open window his eyes looked so intense, like icy glaciers. God help me, why was the first thought in this body to find some way to melt those glaciers?
I backed up until he cornered me against the wall, slamming his open palms against it. He smelled like whiskey and cheap perfume.
He slowly leaned his body into mine, backing me tight against the wall. Instinctively, I pushed my hands up against his chest. His shirt was wet from the snow and his body trembled beneath it. My traitorous sheet fell to the floor.
“Shane, stop,” I breathed.
He rested his forehead against mine, his hands slide over my shoulders down to my waist; slow and gentle. Oh, my God, did his touch feel good.
Brushing his lips across my cheek, he buried his face in my hair, “Grace, all I want to do it kiss you right now,” he whispered. Softly, he pushed my hair back and grazed his lips along my neck. His lips were warm and soft; I wanted them all over me. This was too much.
“Shane, please,” I whispered. Why was I saying please? Please kiss me? Please let me forget who I am? Please stop?
He pulled back slowly, his eyes meeting mine. My heart was dancing wildly in my chest. His expression was full of sadness and hunger. “Just tell me why I got crazy thinking you were going home with Ethan? Tell me why I want to kill any man that looks at you? Grace, I don’t want to feel this way.”
His hands subtly slid to my waist, one finger hooked itself under the lace trim of my panties. I let out an audible sigh. This was too close, too tempting.
“Shane. Stop, you’re drunk, you’re soaking wet, you are so cold you’re trembling.”
He stumbled away from me, “I’m not trembling from the cold, Grace.” He sank down onto my bed and hung his head in his hands. In the dim light, he looked like a defeated little boy.
Wrapping my sheet around my body again I opened my door, walked to Lea’s bedroom, and knocked for her. She sleepily stepped out into the hallway and I pulled her into my doorway to look at Shane. She gave me a confused look and pushed me back into the hallway.
“What the hell is he doing? It smells like a liquor store in your room!” she whispered.
“He must have climbed the fire escape. He knocked on my window after I hung up on him.” I shrugged. “He’s been quite hands-on in there. I feel mauled.”
“He didn’t do anything to you, did he?”
I shook my head. “No, but God, Lea, the way he touched me I freaking wanted him to. That was so damn erotic and I can’t believe I just said that out loud to you.”
She gave me another confused look. “So, why are you in the hallway with me?”
“Lea, that’s Shane in there. He’s probably been with more women than I could count. The only difference I’d be to him is that he would actually know my name. Look, he’s soaking wet from being in the snow. Can I have one of Conner’s shirts and pants and stuff. Oh, and can I borrow a shirt and pants from you. I haven’t done laundry.”
Running back into her room, she emerged not even two minutes later with a pile of clothes for me. I immediately dressed in the hallway, not wanting to do so in front of him. If he looked at me with those hungry eyes again, I didn’t trust this body to say no to him. Hormones suck.
Shane was still slumped over on my bed, but he at least looked up when I came back in.
“Did you wake up Conner? Oh, God. Grace, did you call the cops?”
I giggled at his absurdity. “Shane, you are a real ass sometimes.” I kneeled down in front of him and lifted his wet shirt over his head. It stuck to him and he comically had trouble helping me get it off him. “I have dry socks, boxers and pants for you too, but you need to dress yourself.”
Leaving him to get dressed, I went to the kitchen and grabbed a coup
le of bottles of water, then to the closet for an extra pillow and blanket for the couch.
He walked into the living room as I was making up the couch for him to sleep on. His face was drawn and broken.
“What?” I asked him exasperated. “There’s no way you should be going home this intoxicated in the snow with no jacket on.”
He ran a hand through his gorgeously tousled hair, “I really screwed things up with our friendship, didn’t I? You’re standing here looking at me the way you look at Tucker.”
I stopped what I was doing to look at him. Strangely enough, I had not felt the same after Shane touched me. With Shane I wanted more, I had to talk myself out of saying yes. With Tucker, I knew I never wanted him to touch me again. With Shane, the only real reason I held back were those ancient blue eyes that I clung to looking for. That and the fact that Shane was a man-whore. I laughed at myself for the thought.
“Why are you laughing at me?” he asked.
“Shane, you can’t ruin a friendship if you were only pretending to be my friend to get into my pants.”
His face darkened. He stormed toward me and grabbed my wrist. His touch didn’t match his facial expression. It was soft and pleading. He led me back to my bedroom. When we reached my door, he stopped and brought my wrist up to his lips and softly kissed it. Chills ran down my spine, his breath hot on my skin. He lifted his lips from my skin and I swear I felt pain from the separation. His hand still holding mine, he caressed the soft sensitive skin of my wrist, looking down at it. My breath caught.
“You have a tattoo?”
I said nothing. But, I watched as his features changed again; this time to drunk confusion. He’d be too drunk to notice anything but my tat. I hope.
His thumb lightly swept over my wrist and stopped. His eyes looked in mine, flickering in and out of focus. “It’s covering up a scar?” He grabbed my other wrist fumbling for it, and I didn’t fight him. Maybe if he saw what I had done, he’d think I was psychotic and he’d leave me alone.
“Why would you do that?” His voice was no louder than a whisper.
Taking my wrists back, I held them to my chest. “You know, Shane, the people that walk around you every day? Each of them has a life separate then you. Pasts, pains, loves and losses. You don’t know me. I am a hell of a lot more than a fifteen-minute screw, and sadly, most of your other friends are too. You just don’t ever see that from between their legs.”
He softly traced the edge of my jaw with his index finger. “Goodnight, Grace,” he said as he wobbled back to the living room.
I closed my door quietly and made sure I locked it.
Chapter 9
Shane was still sprawled out over the couch when I woke up the next morning at 10 o’clock. It was still so early that it would be really mean of me to kick him out, but late enough that I was stuck alone with him since Conner and Lea were at work.
I peeked out the front door to see how much snow fell. The sidewalk was already shoveled, the streets were plowed and a light feathery snow was gently falling. I grabbed the mail and decided instead of running that I’d just make coffee and curl up and play my guitar. Then I would tackle my laundry.
I threw the mail on the kitchen table, barely noticing the one piece of mail addressed to me. Maybe, the size of the envelope was what made me look twice at it. It wasn’t normal size; a bit larger and thicker than the rest. It might have been the color, a creamy peach that struck a chord with me. Whichever, I picked it up and walked into my room. I stuck my head in to check on Shane; he was still out cold.
Sitting down on my bed, I glanced quickly at the return address on the letter. It was from the hospice. I ripped open the envelope and unfolded a handwritten letter. Another smaller envelop slid out and fell to the floor. Bending down, I picked up the fallen envelope and read the name on the front; Gracie. It was in Jacob’s handwriting.
My knees buckled and I sat heavily on the floor, leaning against my bed. I read the unfolded letter first. I think that’s what I was meant for me to do, since the other letter was still sealed. It was from one of Jake’s doctors, Doctor Slaterman, whom Jacob seemed to grow very fond of while staying at the hospice.
Dear Grace,
I never got to give my condolences to you before you left. First and foremost, I wanted to write that we held a small memorial for your brother, recalling how full of love and life he was, and how amazing he was with all the other patients. What started out as a small gathering in the common room turned into a significant event. I know that Jacob did not want a funeral or wake for his passing, but I felt we needed to celebrate Jacob, the patient we had for the longest period, who fought the hardest against his disease.
Before Jacob passed, he spoke privately with me, asking me to give you the letter from him that I have enclosed.
I hope all is well with you, Grace. The patients and staff here miss your nightly musical tributes for your brother. Our halls have never been more silent.
Best Regards,
Martin Slaterman, MD.
Cradling Jacob’s letter in my arms I promised myself that I would record a few pieces of music on a CD for the patients there. Looking down again at Jake’s handwriting, I traced the letters with my fingers.
As I opened it, tears spilled from my eyes. How death takes everyone away, leaving me here, knowing where everyone goes, and knowing I would never be welcomed there; this is hell.
Gracie,
So, I guess I’m a goner. I wish I could have stayed with you longer, but I couldn’t fight anymore, and for that, I am sorry.
I want you to know that because of you, I was not scared. I knew that there was a heaven and that I will make it my mission to get you there one day too.
After your accident, when we lost Mom and Dad and I almost lost you, I really thought you were crazy. I thought that you had major brain damage from the accident, but your doctors assured me that your head was the only thing that was not injured. It took me months, maybe years to see finally that my little sister did really die with my parents in that accident and your soul stayed. But Gracie, I’m happy that you were here and I was honored with the chance to have you in my life, because without you, I would have died with my diagnoses. You showed me what faith and what love was and if I can do anything where I am now to help you end your punishment, I will.
I love you, Gracie. I promise you that I will see you again one day.
Jake
I folded the note back up so no one could see it. I didn’t know if anyone who read it would understand what Jake had implied, but I couldn’t chance it. Lea was the only other person who knew my secret. They were the only two people I had ever told about my past. The reason was simple; this was the hardest life I had fallen into.
Usually, I fell into someone older who lingered on for a short amount of time. When they passed on, I would end up a lost soul in another shell. I’d lost so many people, and I’d suffered so many sicknesses and diseases, it was beyond count. I once woke up in a woman who had been attacked by a rapist. She was lucky enough to die in the beginning of his torture. Me? My soul showed up for the whole show. I begged him to kill me when he was done with her body and he did; slowly.
Each time that I could take no more of a person’s life, I would take too many pills, or forget to take certain medicine, or like in this life, slice my wrists open when I was sixteen. I don’t condone suicide, but really is it? These beautiful souls have gone and I’m just shoved into their rotting bodies. My own personal hell, a lost soul on earth for eternity.
Jacob once asked me if I was a ghost. I told him that I didn’t know. I’m more of just a lost spirit, wandering around looking for the other half of me.
This was the only life that I had lived through ending it. Gabriel once said that maybe it was because he was here with me somewhere. Gabriel. I think I’m his personal play thing, I think this is his sick expe
riment on how much an angel’s heart can take before it turns its wings on the love of a human.
Two hours later, Shane’s soft touch on my shoulder woke me. I had fallen asleep clutching Jacob’s words. My face was still damp from tears and it hurt to blink them.
“Grace? What’s wrong, are you sick?”
I sat up, the papers crinkling noisily around me. “I’m fine. How are you?” I asked curtly.
His muscular arm reached up, running his hand through his hair, a lost confused expression on his face. “What the hell did I do last night?”
Laughter busted out of my mouth. “That’s great, Shane. No, really. That’s perfect. Why don’t you go home now, okay? Goodbye,” I snapped. Jerk. I still felt the heat of his touch on me!
He stood there deep in thought, seemingly trying to remember any information from the night before. “Grace, I know we didn’t, did we?”
I grabbed up all the loose papers around me, got up, shoved them into a drawer, and stormed out of my room. I slammed the door in his face, but he just swung it right back open.
I bolted into the kitchen and he was right behind me. I honestly thought about getting a sharp knife out of one of the drawers to scare him. He grabbed me by one arm and swung me around. My heart pounded hard and I could feel my pulse in my wrists.
“What did I do? Why have you been crying?” He asked with a soft sad expression. His face leaned in so close to me that I felt his breath on my skin.
“You didn’t do anything, Shane. You called me last night. You thought I was with Ethan. I hung up on you and you climbed up the fire escape in the snow, with no coat on and banged on my window until I let you in. Now please, just leave.”
“No.” He shook his head vehemently. “No. I’m not leaving until I know I’m not the reason you’re crying.” He stopped talking and looked me intensely in the eyes. “You were wearing a sheet? You…you got me dry clothes,” he said, remembering.
“No big deal, see?”