“Come on, Gray, let’s go up and watch them. This is one of my favorite songs.”
We made it up to the stage without getting into any brawls like the night before. I laughed at the thought. Lea stopped in front of Shane and he winked at her. As Alex played his keyboard, Shane walked to the back of the small stage, grabbed a guitar, and started playing an intricate melody.
My breath caught in my lungs. Shane was playing a twelve-string double neck harp guitar.
Lea watched my expression. I looked at her with my eyes wide. “Yeah, I know right, Shane’s freaking talented.” She laughed. “Gray, close your mouth, you’re drooling. I would tell you to take a chance on that kid, but he’s just as fucked up as you are. I just thought you’d get a kick out of him playing that. I figured you are the only other person on this planet to know what that instrument is.”
Shane poured his soul into the rhythm, blending the notes perfectly with Alex’s classical piano melody. You couldn’t hear anything from the crowd of people who were watching the band, awestruck. Ethan slowly started a beat and Brayden’s bass collided with the soulful sound of Shane’s voice.
I stand there
And no one knew me
I reach for her
She looks right through me
I can search this world over
She can’t see me
I drown in tears
They look right through me
From behind me, a strong hand grasped my shoulder and Tucker’s face appeared next to my cheek. “I was wondering where you went. Do you want to dance?”
Without waiting for my answer, he spun me around and wrapped his hands around my shoulders. Conner had already grabbed Lea and she winked at me. I gave in and danced, swaying to the music.
When the song ended, Shane said goodnight to the crowd and bras and panties where thrown onto the stage. Shane grabbed a black lacy bra and held it up to his nose and the crowd roared. The band jumped off the stage and they were immediately surrounded by a group of blonde half-naked girls.
Canned music drifted from the speakers and people started dancing again, blocking my view of the band.
Tucker and Conner dragged us back to the table where Lea and I decided we should play a drinking game called Fuzzy Duck. It was definitely time to let loose.
Lea and I got the bartenders attention and he brought two bottles of Tequila and grabbed a handful of shot glasses. We got back to the table where each band member had returned to the table; each one had a hot blonde on their lap, except for Shane. He had two. I shook my head, smiled and raised the bottles of Tequila over my head.
“Okay, ladies and gentlemen, here’s the first drinking game of the night. Fuzzy Duck!” I announced.
Everyone stared at me.
“Fuzzy Duck?” Tucker asked.
“Yes, Tucker. I said Fuzzy Duck,” I replied. “Here are the rules. Everyone starts by taking one shot. Then we pour another. We go around the table and each person has to say Fuzzy Duck. The first person who messes up has to take a shot and around and around we go!”
“Fuzzy Duck?” Tucker asked. Again.
“Yes, Tucker. I said FUZZY DUCK.”
I filled all the shot glasses and we all took a shot. The first round was hard. Not all the groupies could remember what they were supposed to say. Within an hour, and two more drinking games, everyone was pretty much buzzed; the blonde groupies more so than everyone else.
They fell over each other laughing and giggling. One of the girls who had occupied Shane’s lap was aptly named Barbie. She abruptly caused the end of our drinking games when she heard a song she liked and began giving Shane a lap dance in front of everyone.
Lea rolled her eyes and pretended to dry heave. She threw a fistful of waded up napkins in their direction, hitting Barbie in the head. “Holy Strippers, Batman! Are you that desperate to make sure he goes home with you?”
Barbie didn’t stop and she pretended not to hear Lea’s question. She ground herself into Shane’s lap, grabbing his hands and placing them over the edges of her hiked up skirt. He grabbed into the flesh on her legs and she arched back and let out a high-pitched moan. Oh, crap.
“Maybe she just needs a few dollar bills?” I said. Everyone laughed. But it didn’t stop her. She moved his hands up over her breasts, and then making it worse, the other blonde who had been sitting on his lap before joined in too. Spikes of heat flamed through me. No. This should not affect me.
“Ah! Change the porn channel! You’re gonna give me an STD over here!” Lea shouted.
That made Barbie stop and stand up. She put her hands on her hips, which made us all laugh because her skirt was still hiked up and we all saw her neon pink thong. “Why don’t you mind your own business, skank!”
“Skank? Me? I’m not the one giving a guy I just met a lap dance in public.” Lea jumped to her feet.
Barbie backed off a step and started to say something, but Lea cut her off. “Don’t even try, because you might find me smacking the slut out of you in a minute!”
The song changed into one I knew and I pulled Lea towards the dance floor. “Let’s dance. Who cares what she’s doing.”
With one hand on me, Lea grabbed for Conner with the other. “Well, I care. My boyfriend is watching it!” Conner didn’t seem fazed though, which made me think he was probably used to Shane and his many friends.
Tucker followed us to the dance floor and we all moved to the music together. Well, all except for Tucker, who sort of bounced back and forth against the music. Lea and I giggled into each other, watching him and his Stereotypical White Guy Dance, forgetting about Shane and the blonde airhead Barbie.
We left after a few songs, and Conner and Tucker walked us home. When we rounded our corner, I started to feel nervous. Tucker was probably going to try to kiss me. The kiss didn’t worry me as much as the feeling behind it. Would I feel anything? Or, would it be like every other time when I felt nothing but hollow; empty?
Lea fumbled with the keys to the front door as Conner gave her tiny butterfly kisses on the back of her neck. She laughed, opened the door and pulled him in by the collar. They disappeared into the darkness of the hallway and probably headed straight for her room.
I hesitated on the first step. Torn between finally wanting to feel whole again and yet knowing I never would. I climbed to the top step with Tucker right behind me. I swear time slowed as I turned to face him. His hand was already against my chin pulling me forward. His eyes gazed into mine; warm chocolate. I wanted to feel something; I wanted the longing to be over. Closing his eyes, he touched his lips to mine. Dry and chapped. His body leaned into mine, his tongue separating my lips. His kiss turned strong and rough, with the edge of his teeth sharp and lusty.
He pulled back and we held each other’s gaze. A lifetime of averageness flashed before my eyes. Despair and sadness seeped through my veins. Law firms, stuffy office parties, civil ceremony, miscarriages, suffering. Not that he wouldn’t love me enough, I just would never love him enough, and he would never be faithful. Why settle for something like that, when you’ve tasted heaven and you’ll always know what you’re missing? I was still alone in this life.
Tucker smiled down at me as if he had felt something different. “I’m sure you hear this every day, but you have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re almost silver.”
All I could offer was a half-smile. I clutched his jacket tighter in fear that I might run and never come back. All I could think of was Lea and how I couldn’t hurt her like that. Nevertheless, I wanted this life to be over. I would never stop longing for something that would never be real. The emptiness in my soul was physically painful.
Why couldn’t Tucker be the one I’ve waited for?
“Could I take you out for dinner next weekend? Just you and me?” he whispered as he planted little kisses on my nose and my cheek. An
y girl would be happy about this!
“Like a date?” I moved back, trying subtly to stop the continuous kissing. “Um...sure. That sounds...nice.”
He smiled wide and waited for me to say something else. Did he think I was going to invite him in? God, the thought of sleeping with him made me want to gag. Don’t get me wrong, my body was up for it, but my mind was screaming obscenities at it. Shane’s haunting lyrics played in my mind.
I stand there
And no one knew me
I reach for her
She looks right through me
I can search this world over
She can’t see me
I drown in tears
They look right through me
That’s how it felt. As if Tucker looked right through me, I was invisible. He couldn’t see the real me standing in front of him, just the body of a pretty girl with light gray eyes.
I was trapped; imprisoned.
I backed up and tried to give him my best Oscar winning smile. “I can’t wait.” I moved closer to the door and turned the knob.
For a split second, Tucker looked disappointed and then contentment covered his face. “Great. How about Friday night around seven? I’ll pick you up.”
I pulled myself through the front door. “Sounds like a date! I’ll see you then. Goodnight, Tucker.” I closed the door on him, but not before seeing another flash of disappointment cross his face.
I leaned my back against the door and hung my head in my hands. I don’t even know how long I stood there. The only reason I remembered to move was because I heard Lea and Conner laughing from her bedroom.
The sounds of their happiness made my insides ache. I glanced at the clock; it was almost two in the morning. If it wasn’t so early I’d run. I probably wouldn’t even make it a mile. Best thing to do was sleep; figuring I’d weigh my options on what to do with Tucker in the morning.
I opened my bedroom door and froze. An icy cold breeze blew my curtains gently; casting shadows across the room from the moonlight. I flicked my light on; I never left my window open. Gabriel lay sprawled across my bed, his hands folded behind his head.
Relief flushed through me. I was afraid it might have been Tucker waiting for me.
“Gabriel,” I greeted him. “What did you do, climb the fire escape? You couldn’t use the front door?”
Gabriel frowned. “You were busy at the front door. You didn’t even notice me standing on the sidewalk. How was your kiss? I thought you might vomit on the poor boy.”
“Hmmm. Yeah, I guess I almost did. Do you think he noticed?”
“Mr. Kissy face? No, Grace. He’s way too captivated by…what does he call it…your smokin’ hot bod, to notice.” The only emotion he showed was a slight hint of amusement.
“Yeah, I figured. Geez, did you really hear him say that about me?”
He ignored my question. He reached for my guitar case, opened it gently and took my guitar out. Closing his eyes, he strummed the strings creating a melancholy composition that hurt to listen to. The notes silently sung of longing and need. Tears filled my eyes.
“Why are you here, Gabriel?”
His eyes opened and the color in them made me want to curl into a ball and die a thousand deaths. They reminded me of the one I searched and longed for.
“I just wanted to see how you were. You looked fine outside. Moving along in your life, I see.”
“Get out.” I whispered. I walked over to where he lay and took my guitar from his hands. “Get out and don’t come back. Ever.” I placed my guitar back inside its case, and a million thoughts ran through my head of how I could possibly get away from all of this.
He was next to me in an instant, grabbing me by the shoulders. My skin burned uncomfortably under his touch. He forced me to look into his eyes.
“Gabriel, please. Leave. You can try to spin whatever you want to what I do, but I’m done. I want this to be over. I can’t do this anymore. I’m looking for someone that doesn’t exist; he doesn’t exist. If I have to keep doing this, just let me quietly exist without coming here and making me question things further.”
“Grace, you have never and will never quietly exist. You shine on earth as if the sun was born here. You have been a beacon for all of humanities sufferings and exhilarations.” His voice became a whisper, “And you, my dear, have been steadfast in your belief of finding something that I know for a fact, does still exist.”
His words brought me to my knees and I crashed to the floor. “Please, Gabriel. Please tell me where he is.” I pleaded.
Embracing me tightly, he whispered against my cheek, his lips just brushing against my skin. “I’ve told you too much already, Grace. Just live this life of yours.”
My head spun franticly. “Please, Gabriel. Please!” I begged. But in an instant, he was gone. Out the window, through the door, or into thin air, I had no clue. My heart pounded against my chest, remembering the words Gabriel said to me. I wondered what his punishment would be for helping me keep my faith.
Sleep came swiftly and heavy. Tucker’s kisses and Shane’s hands on Barbie haunted my dreams until my body could take no more of it and I woke at six. Three hours of sleep was not nearly enough, but my body wouldn’t let me stay in bed any longer.
I slipped on my running gear and headed towards the front door. I ran down the steps and almost tripped over Shane who was sitting on the last step.
“Ouch!” He scrambled to his feet as I ran into him.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I demanded.
“I was going for a run and I thought you or Conner would be up for one.”
I laughed. “Conner won’t be up for a while. Shane, did you even sleep? I only got like three hours.”
His face flushed. “Nah, I’ll sleep later. I have too much energy.”
I smiled, “Wow, that must have been a really great lap dance, huh?”
“Shut up!” he muttered elbowing me. He started running towards Central Park and I followed, laughing. Gabriel gave me hope last night and nothing Shane would do could make me feel bad.
We repeated the same trail as the day before, our feet hitting the ground in unison creating a calming rhythmic cadence.
Less than three hours later, we collapsed sweaty and exhausted on my couch. Shane aimed the remote toward the television and flicked through the channels. We settled on some unknown comedy show and laughed uncontrollably at the jokes we heard. That’s exactly how Conner and Lea found us when they woke up and stumbled, groggy from sleep, into the room. Shane and I slumped over the couch, both of us sweaty, panting and laughing.
“Oh my God! Did you two just have sex out here? Ewww. Grace! Come on, Shane really?” Lea yelled.
We laughed even harder. “What? You seriously think that we just had sex? Here on the couch?” I asked.
Shane looked at Conner and gave him a thumb up. “Dude, if you guys look like this after you guys get freaky, that’s awesome. But, no we just came back from a run. I wouldn’t touch Grace if you paid me. She’s really a man.”
Shane stood up still chuckling. “I’m starving. Grace, you hungry, bro? I’ll make you breakfast.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, immediately suspicious. What could this man possibly make me for breakfast? “Are you even capable of pouring cereal into a bowl?”
He arched one eyebrow at my joke; eyes sparkling. “Are you insulting me?”
I shrugged. “Um. No, not really. It was an honest question.”
He walked across the room and theatrically waved his arms toward the kitchen door. “C’mon. You have to be just as hungry as I am after all that sex…I mean all that running.”
I threw a pillow at him. He ducked. “Oh, so now you’re saying you do have sex with guys?” I laughed, following him into the kitchen.
Most of Shane’s body was already de
ep in the refrigerator piling stuff into his arms. When he was satisfied with what he found, he dropped it all on the counter and reached for a frying pan. “So, honestly, why did you think I wouldn’t be able to cook?” He was facing the stove pouring a cap full of vegetable oil into the pan, so I couldn’t see his expression. He cracked three eggs at a time right into the pan. I wonder how many shells just dropped in there?
He flipped the top of the garbage pail open, tossed the shells in, and repeated the process. After chopping, dicing and adding all the ingredients, he turned the burner on. He lifted his sweatshirt over his head and wiped the sweat off his forehead with it.
Oh dear God, he is perfect! A large black tribal tattoo that began as a dragon at his elbow curled around his right shoulder and traveled onto his shoulder blade. The thick black tribal strokes exquisitely turning into a dove, wrapping its wings around itself. His skin was a soft bronze stretched over the ridged hardness of his muscles. It was completely understandable how girls threw themselves at him. I pitied him, wondering if he’d ever feel anything more than the sensations of his own skin.
He got out two plates from the cabinet as if he owned the kitchen. Geez, how many times has he cooked in this kitchen in the last six months?
Placing one plate in front of me and another in front of him, he sat down and shoved a fork full of food into his mouth. “Spinach, mushroom, green pepper and cheese omelet ala Shane,” he said between chews. “You haven’t answered me. What is it about me that made you think I can’t cook?”
I stabbed the omelet with my fork and took a bite. Crap, it was delicious. “You just strike me as a shallow person who gets everything they want from other people. I would have bet that you’ve had a different blonde make you breakfast every morning of your life.”
He gave me an amused look. “Well, you’re half right. I am shallow, but I can cook, and honestly, I like chicks with jet black hair better than blondes,” he laughed. His icy blue eyes regarded me. “Well? Is it good?”
Best freaking omelet I’ve ever had. I stopped the words from fumbling out of my mouth. “Yeah, sure. Thanks. I didn’t realize how hungry I was,” I grumbled.