I was in choir, we had just finished warming up, when the bell went off. Most students were excited. I wasn’t one of them. Ring. Ring. Ring. Great. It was the fire alarm. We had to evacuate. Mrs. Marshall seemed surprised, so it wasn’t a planned drill. But that didn’t mean that there was a fire. Still, I grabbed my bag and headed to the evacuation area—the soccer fields.
I really hated going down there. It wasn’t the walk, so much as 2000 students all going to the same place at the same time. It was very slow moving with bottlenecks where the gates were. I had someone immediately in front of me, on my right, left and behind me. I felt so claustrophobic. I couldn’t wait until I got to the open field, where there was more space between everyone.
I got to my classroom’s designated area and checked in with Mrs. Marshall. I had time to kill until they rang the ‘all clear’ bell and everyone could go back to class. Who knew how long that would take. I found a grassy spot nearby. I put my backpack on the grass and leaned up against the fence.
I wanted to try to get some work done, but I couldn’t concentrate. Instead, I stayed against the fence people watching. Most students wandered around the field, looking for their friends to hang out with them. Even the teachers did that. I could see my teachers talking with their teacher friends. I saw students playing cards in the grass or playing tag. It was the equivalent of recess for high school.
Everyone was having fun. It all seemed so easy for them, but it escaped me. It was frustrating. Things that were hard for others came easy to me. Yet something that was so simple for everyone was impossible for me. Maybe some things were never meant to be.
“Hey, Liz.” The voice came out of nowhere.
I tried to take a fast step back, but didn’t move anywhere with the fence behind me. I slammed myself against it. It took me a second to register that Patrick was standing in front of me.
“Oww.” I rubbed the back of my head.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you okay?” He reached out to touch my arm, but I moved it, so he couldn’t. His arm returned to his side.
“Yeah. I just didn’t see you.” How did I miss him? I had been constantly scanning everyone around me. It was as if he had some cloaking device and I didn’t notice him coming toward me.
“I walked straight at you. Everything alright? You didn’t seem… I don’t know…here.” He looked at me concerned.
“I was just thinking. My perpetual state of being. That’s all.” I tried to shake it off. That seemed to satisfy his concern. I realized he had to come up to me for a reason. “What’s up?”
“Did you get a chance to read Mr. D’s handout?”
I nodded.
“Well, I had an idea of what we could do. I think it would be fun and really cool.” His eyes lit up with excitement.
“Okay… What do you have in mind?” I hadn’t thought of anything concrete yet.
“We could go to the carnival. It’s in town starting next weekend. There are lots of things we could do there. I thought we could show some rides and games and do write-ups on them. You know?” He seemed be having so much fun just telling me about it.
“Actually, I’ve never been to one.” I was solemn.
“Really?” He was surprised.
“Yeah. Never had a reason to go.” I shrugged.
He could have said ‘Who needs a reason?’ or ‘Fun is the reason.’ In which case, I’d have to explain how I didn’t know how to have fun. He could have given me a hard time and made fun of me. But he was Patrick and he didn’t. Instead, he said, “Well, now you do.”
“Don’t you want to go with your girlfriend and have fun, instead of doing a class project there with me? What’s the catch?”
“Well, first of all, Becca doesn’t want to go. I promised my kid brother that I’d take him and she doesn’t want to spend her Saturday babysitting as she puts it. So, I guess there is sorta a catch. If you don’t mind Andy coming with us… We could have fun and get the project done at the same time.” He explained casually. It didn’t seem like a catch to me though. It seemed…nice.
“Well, I’d have to ask my folks.” At least I’d have about a week to work on them. If it was for a school project, I might stand a chance. I’d have to show them the assignment. Wait, next week, I think there was something my mom wrote on the kitchen calendar. Maybe they would be gone. That would make life easier.
“Earth to Liz.” He waved his hand in front of me.
“Oh, sorry. Umm… What time would you want to go?” I need as many details as possible to feed my parents.
“Around 2:00. Andy has piano lessons on Saturdays.”
“’Til?”
“I don’t know. Maybe around 8:00 or 9:00.” He suggested.
That long? That was late. It would definitely be dark then. Suddenly, I felt scared. “There’s… There’s that much to do for like five hours? I mean, doesn’t your brother have a bedtime? Wouldn’t it be too late for him to be out?” It definitely is for me.
“Oh, yeah. There’s lots to do! You’ll see. You’ll have fun. Don’t worry about Andy. The carnival is a treat, so he can stay up later than usual.” He was excited again.
Great. The kid probably has a better night life than me. Well, not probably. Definitely. “If you say so.” My voice was flat.
“Trust me.” He smiled.
“I guess we can let Mr. D know about our plan after school.” I said hesitantly.
“That’s what I was thinking. We can lock it in and if we have to change it, we can.” He seemed to understand that I had to clear it with my parents first.
The bell rang to signify that we could go back class. So much for choir class today, that period was shot. It was time for the claustrophobic walk back. I was stuck in a paradoxical loop. I didn’t want to stay and walk to class alone, but I didn’t want to walk in such a dense crowd. The thought of it unnerved me.
He started walking but stopped when he noticed I hadn’t moved. “You don’t look so good, Liz. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I was planted against the fence. “I just don’t like walking up the hill with everyone so close together. I always wind up stepping on someone’s foot.” There was truth to that.
“No big deal. It’d still take us forever to get up there. So, we might as well wait and take our time until it isn’t so crowded.” He seemed fine with waiting with me.
When the majority of the crowd had made their way up the hill that connected the main campus to the athletic fields, we started walking to English class. He talked to me about the carnival and different things we could include in our project. Mr. Ludlow hadn’t started class yet since about a quarter of the class still hadn’t arrived back yet from the evacuation.
As each class ended, getting me closer and closer to when I was supposed to sing for Patrick, I got more and more nervous. Why did I agree to it? What if Mr. D heard me? Wait, Patrick said he’d deal with Mr. D, so I’m not going to stress about that. There’s plenty of other things to stress about. What if he thinks I’m awful? I guess, better to find out now than later in front of strangers. That’s how I could rationalize this. I had to. Somehow, otherwise I’d talk myself out of it. But, for some reason, singing in front of a bunch of people seemed easier than in front of one. You didn’t have to look at anyone in particular if there were many of them. But if it was just one person…you had to look at them. Or at least, it was harder to fake looking at them. I felt sick.