* * *
I don’t know how long we sat there. Time stood still and the world didn’t exist to me. I felt like I was in the middle of a giant black hole. The only reason why it didn’t consume everything was because Patrick had wrapped his arms around it. He held it and me together.
He rocked me back and forth in silence. I cried until I ran out of tears. My head hurt so badly. It was throbbing.
“I need water.” I mumbled as I slowly opened my hand. It didn’t feel like my hand, it was so cold and numb. I had clenched it so tightly the whole time that the pills and my hand were one.
He pulled back to look at me in the eyes but didn’t let go of me. “Liz…no.” He shook his head.
I blinked slowly at him. There were at least a dozen pills in my trembling hand. “Why are you here? I shouldn’t have called you. If I hadn’t called you…”
“But you did. I’m here because I care. I don’t want you to do this. Please, don’t do this.” He begged.
“I called you because I didn’t want you to feel like it was something you did or didn’t do tonight. I didn’t want you to feel guilty. Don’t worry, this isn’t on you. It has nothing to do with you.”
“It does. I’m your friend. I want to help. Let me help.” He put his hand over mine and I started to close it into a fist. He stopped me and extended my fingers out. He took the pills out of my hand and put them on the carpet out of my reach. “Please…tell me…why are you even considering this?”
“You’ll never understand.”
“I can try. At least let me try before you do anything that you can’t undo.”
I shook my head.
“Do you think that we’re so different? Or that I can’t…”
I cut him off, “No, you can’t. We are different. We may be in the same classes at the same school, but our lives are nothing alike. You don’t get it…”
“Why do you think I won’t understand?”
“Because everything comes so easy for you.” I snapped.
“School is easy for you.”
“Yeah, sort of. When I’m not at school, I’m studying. When I’m at school, I’m studying. I don’t have anything else to do… It’s not that it’s hard all the time, but it’s not like I’m some genius or anything…”
“And you think I don’t? I study a lot too, you know…”
“Yeah, but that’s not what school is all about…” I knew he wasn’t getting the point when he looked at me and waited for an explanation. “I told you, you wouldn’t understand.”
“I’m trying.”
“Classes, sports, friends, family… It’s all so easy for you. You’re good at everything. Everyone loves you, you’re friends with everyone. And…I’m so…not that.”
“That’s not true.”
“You’re just saying that. But it is. You think you know me, but you don’t. Think about it… I told you I can’t do sports. You’ve seen how uncoordinated I am. Have you seen me with anyone? You told me that I could bring friends to the game. Do you remember what I said?”
He thought about it for a second. “You asked about what time it would be over. You avoided the issue.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty good at that when it would show too much or hits a nerve. The truth is…I really didn’t have anyone to ask to come with me.” My voice was trembling again.
“I don’t believe that…you might not think of someone as your best friend…but you know people.”
“Yeah, I know people. But they are all classmates. We don’t even really talk in class. School, for me…is classes. I don’t have friends…”
He interrupted me, “You have me. I’m your friend.”
“You’re just saying that ‘cause you’re here.”
“If you remember, I called you my friend before now. That will not change after tonight. I will be your friend tomorrow, next week, next year…” His eyes started to get watery and his voice cracked, “Whether you’re here or not.”
“You’ll see that I’m not worth the time and energy.” I sighed. “I have.”
“I won’t ever believe that.” He shook his head.
“Why? My parents, my family have.” I looked down at where he put the pills.
“What happened when I dropped you off?”
“Nothing. Everything. I don’t know… I can’t…” I closed my eyes tightly trying to block it out. It didn’t work.
“You can trust me…” He reassured me.
“Hmph.” I continued slowly. “I was so happy when you dropped me off. I never had so much fun in my life. I don’t remember the last time that I laughed or smiled so much. I had forgotten how to have fun…” My voice turned almost wistful. “It felt so good…like the world had opened up.” A little smile escaped my lips as I thought of the irony of it all.
“So what happened?”
I was somber. “They didn’t answer the door because I don’t belong. I don’t fit in. I know it. They know it. So, they didn’t let me in. They were laughing about it, about me standing outside in the cold. I was out there for a while, they laughed the whole time.”
“I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”
“What? No, it’s not. Not unless you were in on it, it wasn’t.”
“No. But I should have waited for you to go inside. I shouldn’t have just left you alone like that. I’m sorry.”
“Thanks. But it wasn’t your fault. Think of it this way… You gave me the best time of my life, you didn’t fail me. I just can’t take being an outsider to my family anymore. I can’t take being alone anymore. I just can’t deal with…” My voice trailed off. I still couldn’t say it. As much as I did trust him, there were still things I couldn’t share. I couldn’t admit to myself. “Things alone. I can’t go to my parents or anyone else in my family. You can’t understand what that’s like. You have a normal relationship with your family. Just by knowing you, then Andy, I can tell. The two of you are lucky. You have friends, family, each other for support. You’ll never be alone like me. ”
“What’s it like for you?”
How do I explain it? Can I explain it to him? “It’s like being in a packed school bus and knowing, hearing, seeing that everyone has someone. I hear all their conversations—the boring, the mundane stuff that I could care less about, but still want to be a part of it. And all I do is stare out the window, pretending that I’m doing something, like I don’t care. Like it doesn’t sting. That’s what it’s like everyday for me—in class, during passing periods, at lunch, at home. At the same time, it’s also like being on that bus with no one on it. I’m going some place where many people may be going, but I’m headed there by myself ‘cause everyone else found a better way to get there. They didn’t want to ride with me and there’s a deafening silence. The bus has no driver, so it’s swerves one way then another. I can scream or cry or beg or plead and no one is there to hear it.”
I looked at him. His face told me all I needed to know. He had never experienced what I described. I knew that.
“That’s…” He searched for something to finish his sentence with. His eyes filled with pity.
“Yeah…you have never felt that way in your life. Have you?”
He shook his head, “No. I never knew that anyone ever felt like that.”
“Well, now you do. Sometimes it’s so vast and tight that I can’t take it anymore.”
“But you have before…you can again. It won’t always be that way…”
My head was pounding. My mouth was dry. I rubbed my forehead.
“You okay?”
“My head is killing me.”
“Maybe we should get off the floor. You’re probably dehydrated.”
He stood up, grabbed the pills off the floor and shoved them in his pocket. He got me to my feet. I was so unsteady and lightheaded. Patrick helped me to my bed and I sat down. He got the glass of water on my nightstand.
He handed me the glass, “Here. Drink.”
The water felt good going down my throat. O
f course I was dehydrated, I had been crying for who knows how long. I gasped for air through my mouth, which made my throat feel raw.
“Thanks.” I scooted up and over on my bed, curled my legs to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs.
He sat down on the other side of the bed. “Feeling any better?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know…”
“I guess that’s better than a ‘no’. So, that’s something.”
I suppose that’s true. “Geez, you always find the good in everything. Don’t you? Have you always been an optimist?”
“I try. I don’t like to believe that anything is hopeless.” He looked at me with all seriousness.
“Why? Did something happen?” I leaned back against the headboard.
“When I was kid, a little younger than Andy…” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “Lindsey was on a field trip and got hurt. It was bad. Really bad. They didn’t think she was going to make it. I remember being at the hospital a lot. Everyone was so sad and upset. It was like they had given up. I didn’t want… I couldn’t imagine my life without my big sister. I couldn’t stop hoping that she would get better. I had to. That was the only way I could be there for her and sit by her bed.”
“It was how you survived.”
“Yeah. When she woke up, I was so happy. I remember…she looked at me and smiled. I knew she was going to be okay.”
“That’s good. It’s nice to hear a happy ending.”
“Anyway, ever since then, I choose to be an optimist. I believe things will work out, get better. I know they will. It will for you.”
I wish I could be as hopeful as him. But my life taught me that wasn’t going to happen. I’d been disappointed by my parents so many times, I’d lost count. I didn’t want to think about that right now. I wanted to focus on something else.
I rubbed my forehead. I shifted my position so that I was partially lying down, with my knees bent toward the ceiling. I propped my head and shoulders up with my pillow.
“Head still hurt?”
“Yeah.”
He handed me the glass of water. “Here.”
I sipped the water. “Thanks.”
“You need rest.” His voice was gentle.
I got very anxious. “No. When I close my eyes to sleep, I just see and hear them laughing at me. No, I can’t live through that again….”
I realized it had to be really late, he must be tired and needed to get home. “But you can go ahead and go home…”
“I don’t want you to go through that again. I’m not going anywhere until I know that you’re going to be okay.” He reassured me.
“I don’t want you to get into any trouble.”
“Don’t worry about me.” He cracked a small hopeful smile. “As long as you don’t prove me wrong about being an optimist.”
“I’m trying…” I whispered.
“I know you are. I’m glad.” He squeezed my arm. “What can I do? You don’t want to go to sleep, so what do you want to talk about?”
I thought about it for a moment. “Tell me about your sister.”
“Lindsey? Okay.” He paused. I guess he was trying to think of what to say. “She’s great. Lindsey is three years older. I think I told you that she goes to Stanford.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I visit her a few times a year up there. She comes down here. We’re pretty close. She’s the smartest person I know. She was our school’s first finalist for the International Science and Engineering Fair. You wouldn’t know it from talking to her though. She’s low key about it. She was on the volleyball team, student council, debate team… She did it all.” He laughed. “If you looked up well-rounded in the dictionary, you’d find her picture.
“I remember when I was a kid and we went to Disneyland. I thought I was so grown up because I was tall enough to ride by myself on things. I was still kinda young, since I was tall for my age. Lindsey and I were in line for the Matterhorn. When we got to the front, the cast member asked how many in our party. We said, ‘One and one.’ I wanted to ride by myself, but wanted to be in the same bobsled with her.”
“Cast member? What or who is a cast member?” I was following his story up until that part.
“The people who work at Disneyland are cast members. That’s what they call them, because they are on stage and putting on a show. We, the customers, are called guests.”
“That’s kinda cool.”
“Yeah. They have this whole culture. So, the cast member, he tells us to line up together on for the same row. I was really bummed. Lindsey told me not to worry about it, next time I’d get to ride by myself. So we get on the ride and we put the seat belts on. I tug on it and I know it’s locked. The ride starts and I’m having so much fun. I’m in the front seat, sitting in front of my sister, so the wind is rushing over my face. I remember screaming and laughing as the bobsled dips and rushes by the abominable snowman.”
Then he paused as if he was reliving the moment. He shuddered a little. “There was this turn in the tracks, where it goes out of the mountain, then quickly back in. There’s a waterfall. I don’t know how, but I’m standing straight up in the ride… I could easily reach out and touch the waterfall. I’m screaming and Lindsey grabs me and yanks me down. She held onto me so tight for the rest of the ride. I was so scared, but Lindsey was there. She kept me safe, made sure I didn’t fly out of the ride. Huh… I didn’t want to ride by myself anymore after that. I didn’t care about being ‘grown up’. If that cast member had listened to us, I probably wouldn’t be here. I would have flown out and landed in Tomorrowland.”
“Wow. That’s crazy…and lucky.”
“Yeah. I try to believe everything happens for a reason.”
“In that case, it did.” I scratched my head. “I’m confused.”
He cocked his head to the left. “About what?”
“I thought Disneyland was supposed to be the ‘Happiest Place on Earth’. Why is there a scary abominable snowman there?”
A little laugh escaped him. “Sorry… Well, you got a good point. Ummm… I don’t know. He lives at the Matterhorn.”
“But what does the Matterhorn have to do with Mickey?” I asked naively.
“You’ve never been to Disneyland?”
“No.”
“How have you never been? We’re only like an hour away.”
I shrugged my shoulders and yawned, “Like my parents would take me as a kid. It’s definitely not their thing. It’s not exactly a place I’d want to go by myself. I’d have that alone feeling…intensified. Friends, families, couples there… I couldn’t take it.”
“Then you’ll have to come the next time the crew and I go.” He said it like it was already decided.
I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what that would be like. How would it be going to Disneyland with him and his friends? Would I fit in and be part of their crew? No, it’d probably be more like, I’m there with people but they’re all together and I’m an outsider tagging along. Hmmm... Still, I’d be at Disneyland and not completely, physically alone.
“Liz…” He whispered softly. “Are you asleep?”
I opened my eyes and saw him hovering over me. “No. I was just trying to imagine that… Going to Disneyland with you and your friends.”
“Try?” He was taken aback. “Like you wanted to but couldn’t?” He leaned back.
“Yeah.” I admitted.
“Huh. Okay. How about I tell you what it’d be like?” He thought for a second. “Close your eyes.” I did. “Picture this… We’d get to the park when it first opened. It’s you, me, Bobby, Emily, Jason, Cassie, Kraig and Tony. We enter the gates and there’s this big picture of Mickey made out of flowers. We stop and take a group picture together…the first of many that we’ll take throughout the day. We walk under the bridge and there’s Main Street. There are lots of little shops and it looks like a piece of small town Americana. In the distance, there’s the Castle. As we walk down Main Street,
you’ll notice that the outside world doesn’t exist. You can’t see it at all. The air is even sweet. We get to the end of Main Street and the center of the park. We all strike a pose with a statue of Walt Disney and Mickey before going to our first ride in Adventureland…”
I could picture it all, just as he described. It was nice to think of a place where the outside world didn’t exist. Where I could just have fun, where even the air smelled different like fresh baked cookies. I could see us getting on rides together. I didn’t ride alone. I was one of them. Laughing, smiling, having fun with Patrick and his friends. Taking pictures and making wonderful high school memories at the ‘Happiest Place on Earth’... Disneyland.