I was mortified.
“Look, I haven’t even read the chapters yet. Maybe I should do that first and then we can talk about the project. Okay?” Haden asked, his voice sounding tinny and a little fake.
I nodded. It made sense. After all, he had just started school here. Of course he needed to catch up. Still, disappointment tasted like dry popcorn and caught in my throat. He turned around, and I stared at his neck, wanting to crawl over my desk and kiss him there. His nape turned red in the spot where I stared and he picked up his stuff and moved back to his desk. As if he knew what I was thinking.
And couldn’t get away from me fast enough.
CHAPTER FOUR
Awakening in the yard again made me angry.
I didn’t ask for this. The ghoulish nights and humiliating days seemed unfair. It wasn’t as if the life I led directed me to this point. Nobody worked harder to stay out of trouble than I did, so why did it stalk me in my slumber?
The labyrinth beckoned, and as usual I responded. Though foliage had returned to the thorny sticks, the atmosphere was no friendlier. In fact, the path was trickier and I encountered more dead ends despite the strong pull of the center. Topiaries of life-size humanish forms startled me and red eyes watched me from deep inside the bushes. My nightgown stuck to my body where I perspired despite the chill.
I wondered what would happen if I refused to continue. Would I wake up from a bad dream or would the consequences be more dire? Though the fiends had yet to threaten me, they weren’t cuddly and sweet either. Something told me that crossing the creatures of nightmares would mean very bad things for me, and that, for the moment, they tolerated my existence here because Haden desired my appearance.
Except that maybe he didn’t.
I kept going because I needed answers. If this was a dream, what was my subconscious trying to tell me? And if this was real...
I coughed as the smell of smoke filled my nose. The closer I got to the core, the warmer the air became, until at last I reached the clearing.
A bonfire had replaced the parquet dance floor. Tonight there were no dancing ladies in finery and jewels. In fact, there were no clothes at all, aside from a hat or two, because there was no flesh at all.
Animated skeletons reveled around the fire in a circle, laughing raucously. They creaked and rattled as they moved, the sound unsettling and dreadful. Many of them drank from cups, and the liquid would spill from their necks and ribs as they swallowed.
One of them noticed me, and a hush fell over the crowd until they all moved at once to get a better look, craning their necks. The sound was a horrifying symphony of cracking and clicking. I was too afraid to run, too afraid to cry out, too afraid to blink. A soft mew escaped my throat and the backs of my knees quivered.
From behind me, a male voice said, “If it frightens you so, why do you keep returning?”
Why his voice calmed my fear, I can’t understand. It touched me like a blanket fresh from the dryer, warm and soft. My nerves stilled and he stepped around me so that we were facing. He smiled and it devastated me, tearing at little pieces of me I didn’t know I had until he began shredding them.
“What are you, Haden?”
He made a careless gesture with one hand to his boneyard and they resumed their party. Mollified, I guess, that my company wasn’t unwelcomed. The scraping noises of all of them moving at once again sent shivers down my spine.
“What do you wish me to be, Theia?”
“I wish you to be . . . honest.” Because I didn’t know what else to wish for.
“Do you?” He tilted his chin and appraised me. “I’m not certain of that at all.”
“Please.”
“Honestly?” He bent at the waist and spoke softly in my ear, his voice low and warm. “I find you absolutely enchanting.”
The tremors traveled from my ear to my toes, with an interesting side trip that made me glad I’d remembered to wear a bra to bed.
I looked for the lie in his dark eyes, but found an earnest expression instead. He straightened regally and stepped back, decreasing the intimacy between us.
It was then I noticed he wasn’t in his formal attire this evening, though what he wore could hardly be considered modern. His oversize white shirt was rumpled and untucked from his breeches, like he’d just stepped off a pirate ship.
The skeletons’ rabble-rousing grew louder, but the grinding of their joints hurt my head and I rubbed my temples.
“I’m not sure you should be here, Theia.”
That made two of us. “Where is here?”
“This is my world.” He gestured to the creatures surrounding the bonfire like a ringleader at the circus. “My legacy.”
“Why am I here? How did I get here?”
“I wish I knew.” He pinned me with an intense gaze, one that should have frightened me. Instead, it electrified me. “You have the way of moonlight about you. Like you’re made of silvery beams of light.” Upon further inspection, he added, “You don’t belong here.”
His words felt like a cut across my chest. Everything was so contradictory. “You don’t want me here, then?”
“Is that what I said?”
“You talk to me in circles.”
“I suppose I do. You are no better, my little lamb. Tell me, why are you here?” He ushered me back into the maze and away from the bone party, stopping in a large corner by a fountain alight with candles.
“I don’t know—I thought you did. Am I dreaming? What about school? You pretend you don’t know me. And what about the burning man?” The questions came out on a rush of air. I must have sounded like a lunatic.
Haden, if it was really Haden, responded to my barrage with, “The burning man?”
I exhaled loudly. “You answer questions with questions.”
“You don’t like me.”
“I don’t know you.”
“I don’t think you’ll like me any more if you get to know me either. This place, it blooms from your presence like a flower to the sun. But it isn’t good for you. I wish one of us was strong enough to keep you away.”
I stepped towards him, not consciously, but yet there I was. “So you do want me here.”
“Theia,” he warned, “you were made for something else. This is not your destiny.” He sat on a bench that I could have sworn hadn’t been there a minute ago. “Falling under the spell of it will only bring you heartache.”
“I’m not dreaming, am I?”
“Do you think you are?” I rolled my eyes, and he chuckled at my reaction. “Sometimes the answers are more questions. Sometimes down is up.” He reached to the foliage and plucked out a black rose, though I hadn’t noticed any flowers on the bushes before. He inhaled the scent and then held it to me.
I placed my fingers gingerly on the stem until I noticed there were no thorns and accepted his offering, not sure that I should have but unable to resist all the same. “Thank you.” He hadn’t let go of the stem and we both stared at the flower between us. A strange sensation overtook me and I spoke without thought. “I can feel your heartbeat, Haden.”
He loosened his grip on the rose. “It’s hard to imagine you don’t belong when the pull is so strong. You may have to be the stronger of us.”
“I don’t know how to be strong. I don’t know how to be anything.”
He clucked his tongue and dismissed my comment. “You know more than you think.”
“I’d like to know where we are.” I sniffed the rose, startled that the scent wasn’t like any flower I’d smelled before. Instead, it bore a spicy fragrance with vanilla undertones. It smelled like Haden.
“Maybe it doesn’t have a name.” He flashed his trademark grin. “Maybe it’s different things to different people.”
“I think it’s a dream.”
“Maybe for you it is.” He reached for my hair but stopped himself. “Maybe you should wake up.”
And then I did.
I sat up, stunned at the sunlight and not as stun
ned as I should have been to find a long-stemmed black rose atop the pillow next to me.
Donny handed me her blended mocha drink. “Hold this, will you?” She bent at the waist and fluffed her fingers through her hair. Whipping back up, she reminded me of a supermodel with perfectly tousled mink tresses. “God. My mom switched shampoo and my hair is so flat now, it’s driving me nuts.”
“Your hair looks fine.” We were waiting for Amelia at our usual spot in front of the Main. My mind kept traveling back to the rose and to Haden, trying to make sense of either and failing miserably.
Amelia eased down next to me and plucked the mocha from my hand, handing it back to Donny after she’d taken a drink. “Don’t forget we have Madame Varnie after school today.”
“Ugh. Can’t we get our wisdom teeth removed instead?” Donny answered, and then she sat up straighter. “I spy, with my little eye . . . fresh sneetch at nine o’clock.”
Right before she said it, the left side of my face had warmed as if the sun was shining on it. Quickly, I bent over and pretended to dig through my bag on the ground and stole a glance. Sure enough, Haden was headed straight for us. Whatever I was looking for in my bag became really hard to find. I rummaged through it, cursing at my stupid inability to act like a normal person. No way was I making eye contact. It’s not like he would stop before he reached us either. Our spot just happened to be a bench close to the front doors.
My face got warmer and warmer and my search for the elusive object in my bag became ludicrously intense. When Haden stopped directly in front of my bag, my gaze made the slow journey from his feet up. Hunched over my schoolbag, I was at eye level to his crotch and I couldn’t help but rest my gaze there just a second too long, as if my skin weren’t already on fire with the blush from hell.
Imagine my surprise when he crouched to my level. “Hey, partner.”
Chai tea. That’s what he smelled like. A little exotic, a little sweet. His features softened, waiting for my response, but I couldn’t form one. His lips were so close that I could barely restrain myself from tasting them, which was an unlikely and unwelcome thought, but it traversed my mind anyway.
Donny resumed her practiced slouch, and Ame sighed slightly. Their presence offered me a little courage and allowed me to speak, finally. “Did you, um, finish the reading?” My father’s voice in my head chastised me for the “um.”
“I did. Maybe we can work on some of the questions at lunch?” He smiled. I was unprepared for my reaction to the most potent weapon Haden had in his arsenal—a real smile, one that reached his eyes. One genuine emotion was enough to unravel my life from the security of everything I’d ever known.
For seventeen years, I’d tried to live Father’s way. Each step measured, my words carefully chosen. In his fortress of fears, I grew up—but not strong. I yearned to replace the hole in his heart left by my mother, so my life never belonged to me. My own heart was my weakest muscle, never exercised, never even flexed.
Suddenly, I understood that it still miraculously worked. And it was full. So full it felt like rays of sunshine were bursting through my chest, poking out of me in radiant splendor. Haden spellbound me and life changed to Technicolor. In his smile, I felt the bindings that tethered my spirit rip away.
I wanted to be reckless. I wanted to be like my mother. I half expected the campus to erupt in song and a choreographed dance number.
“I’ll meet you in the library,” was what I answered, though what I wanted to say was much more prolific and would have been a great deal more embarrassing.
“I can’t wait,” he said, blushing so gently I may have imagined it. He stood slowly, unfurling, never losing eye contact with me. He maintained the connection even when assailed by Brittany and Noelle, the cheerleaders from his first day. They flanked him, draping themselves over him, and touching him like I never had.
“There you are,” Brittany said, stroking his arm and pointedly ignoring the rest of us. “We have a surprise for you.”
Brittany held up a basket of muffins and Noelle dangled a thermos from her finger.
Something changed. A foreign expression moved over his face, like a thief stealing my most prized possession. The unnamed spicy aroma that usually surrounded him singed, and I smelled sulfur instead. Haden slipped his arms around Britney and Noelle and barely nodded a good-bye to me as they walked away.
My radiant heart shriveled into a tiny, dry raisin. How could I be so stupid? My father deserved extra credit for at least trying to keep me away from boys, since I obviously didn’t understand a single thing about them. Haden was probably laughing and telling the Sneetch Association how I practically swooned at his feet. They’d be chuckling at my naïveté while they complained about how hard it was to find good help these days.
I was a joke.
“Stop it.” Donny followed the trio into the building with her eyes. “He’s being a jerk. Don’t you take his shit personally.”
“I’m not.”
“You are too. The air left your tires as soon as those girls showed up. I’m so tired of them. All of them. They suck. They think their daddies’ money makes them special and it doesn’t.”
Ame disagreed. “It certainly makes their boobs special. Noelle is in my PE class. Two weeks ago, her girls were B students—they look like C-plus at least now.”
Donny snorted. “Oh, my God. You’re right. What kind of parent pays for a boob job for a seventeen-year-old? Mine won’t even pay for highlights.”
My barely Bs tightened at the thought of going under the knife. Not even to get Haden’s attention would I do that. If that was what he wanted—tears stung my eyes—if that was really what he wanted, my heart was breaking.
“Don’t you cry for him,” Donny warned me. “He’s not even worth a single tear. He’s a cartoon who thinks he’s a man.”
I nodded. She was right. Sneetches are not tear-worthy.
Ame flipped open her cell. “Crap. We’re all late for class.”
“Are they ever going to fix the bell so that it actually rings once in a while?” Donny drank the last of her coffee and tossed the cup.
The school bell had been off all year. Sometimes it rang for no apparent reason; most of the time it just didn’t do anything at all. Most teachers stopped letting us use the bell as a tardy excuse by winter break.
“Hey, guys. Hi, Donny.”
We all looked up in surprise at the source of the voice. Gabe of the always perfect hair had joined us.
“What do you want?” Donny asked. To be fair, I still hadn’t seen him be anything but nice.
“Nothing really.” He shrugged. “I guess we should go to class, huh?”
“Ladies first,” she snapped, gesturing for him to go ahead of us.
“Are you always such a bitch, or do you save it up for me special?” he asked.
Ame and I exchanged wide-eyed glances.
“This is level-one bitchery, asshat. Stick around if you want the real show.”
He muttered under his breath and started walking towards the door that we should have gone through five minutes ago. Donny crossed her arms and glared at him until he turned around and yelled, “I’ll save you a seat in English.”
Before she could retort, he flashed a smile and took off running up the steps.
A trace of a smirk crossed Donny’s face before she asked, “What the hell is going on around here?”
I half expected to be stood up in the library. I promised myself not to be let down if he skipped the study session. And if he did show, I would remain aloof and unconcerned with anything but our mutual grade.
Instead, Haden was already asking me a question as he slid into the chair across the table from me. “Who exactly are you, Theia Alderson?”
He stole my breath, frazzled my senses, and interrupted my heartbeat. Now he wanted me to be coherent? I found myself staring at his Adam’s apple to avoid his eyes. “I’m just a girl.”
Haden’s clothes, though completely different from
the kind he wore in my dreams, fit him very well. A white collar poked out of the V-neck navy sweater, crisp yet somehow casual. His jeans, as I remembered from my too-close encounter that morning, were also dark navy, but were distressed and fit him to showcase his lean lines.
Completely at ease in a lazy pose that reminded me of Donny’s slouches, he regarded me for what seemed a very long moment. “I’ve asked around about you.”
“Oh?” I tidied the papers in front of me. Why was he asking about me?
“Tell me, how does the only girl who hasn’t lived in this town her whole life not have any kind of status at all? Nobody knows anything about you. It’s like you’re a ghost.”
“More like a nonentity.” The words slipped out.
“I find that hard to believe.” Haden leaned forward, encroaching on my space, throwing me off balance. Lord, the smell of him made me tingle. “The guys in this school must be first-class morons. Your accent alone should make them all mad for you. The pretty English rose.”
“I’ve noticed that most young men here are easily distracted by . . . other kinds of girls.” I blushed violently. I hoped he’d be humane enough not to mock me for it.
Haden smirked. “I started to wonder if maybe I was the only one who could see you. ‘Isn’t she that girl who plays violin?’ was the most I got out of anyone.”
I shrugged. He could stop anytime. I didn’t need to be reminded how very unseen I was. “We should tackle some of these questions.”
“I just wondered how the most beautiful girl in school manages to fly so far under the radar.”
I sat back in my chair. “Now I know you are teasing me.”
He smiled, not the kind that disarmed me completely, but one that signaled a shift of power all the same. “The other girls, they try very hard to sparkle. You—you just glow without any effort at all.”