spreading warmth
and the poem
with something to say.
Good-bye, commercials.
Hello, poetry.
It’s time to start being
the me I want to be.
from bad to worse
NATHAN NEVER SHOWED UP AT SCHOOL. I DIDN’T WANT TO BE worried about him, but I couldn’t stop imagining the worst. After school I had the afternoon off from work, so I got my hair cut before heading home to get ready for dinner with Alix. She’d promised she’d have Santiago swing by Nathan’s house to make sure he was okay. What a good friend.
I got home around five, and had planned to tell Dean he’d have to eat dinner early since I had plans. He probably wouldn’t like it, but it was either that or he could cook himself dinner. When I drove up, his Bronco wasn’t there. I figured he’d gone out again, which was happening more and more often.
So I was surprised when I found him sitting on the couch, a beer in his hand, watching half-naked men pound on each other.
“Where’s your car?” I asked.
He took a drink of beer, in no hurry to answer my question. Finally he said, “Sold it.”
Though I was pretty sure I knew the answer, I wanted to hear what he had to say. “What? Why?”
He glared at me. “Why do you think? We need the money.”
“How are you supposed to look for work then?” He ignored me. I walked over and threw my keys and backpack on the kitchen table. “I’m going to make your dinner now. I have to be somewhere at six.”
“Is someone picking you up?”
“No,” I yelled as I rummaged around in the kitchen.
“Tonight you’ll need a ride.” He appeared just inside the kitchen now. “Because I’m gonna borrow your truck. I need your paycheck, too.”
I scowled at him. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No, I need to borrow it, so just call one of your friends.”
I threw my arms in the air. “I’m not going to get a ride! That’s my truck! God, I already give you most of my paycheck. Isn’t that enough?” I turned and opened a cupboard door. It was empty, with the exception of one can of stewed tomatoes, two cans of corn, and few saltine crackers. “What are you doing with my money, anyway, Dean? Because whatever it is, you’re not feeding us. There’s nothing here to eat. Nothing. Unless you want me to whip up a corn and cracker casserole.”
“I’m not hungry,” he said. “So don’t worry about it. Your mom said she’ll bring groceries home with her tonight. Get your check and sign it.”
I went to my backpack and did as he said. I held the check away from him until he pulled two twenties out of his pocket and handed them to me. “Dean, can’t you go later? I’ll be home by eight. You can use my truck then, how’s that?”
He stepped forward. “Look, I’ve had one hell of a day. I wouldn’t take your truck if it weren’t real important, all right?”
“Can I give you a ride somewhere on my way?” I asked, my brain scrambling to find a way to make this work for both of us. “I could even pick you up later.”
“No. Out of the question.”
I followed him out of the kitchen. He grabbed my keys off the table. “Tell your mom not to wait up.”
And that was it. He was gone.
I sat on the couch, dazed. What was going on? Whatever it was, it had to be bad for him to sell his Bronco. He loved that thing more than he loved anything else in the world. My stomach rumbled. I had skipped lunch again, comforted by the fact that I’d be having pizza for dinner. I grabbed the phone from the coffee table next to the couch.
I hit talk, but nothing happened. Dead. The pile of bills still sat there on the coffee table, unpaid. I grabbed my cell from my backpack, thankful once again I had a savings account so I could afford my own phone.
I speed-dialed Alix.
“Hey,” she said. “I was just about to call you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Apparently, no one knows where Nathan is. His parents are, like, freaking out. He never came home last night.”
“Oh no.” I leaned forward and put my head in my hand. I felt sick to my stomach. “Alix, what have I done? What if something horrible has happened?”
“Try not to think the worst. I know it’s hard. But let’s stay positive, okay? We’ll find him.”
“Have they called the police?”
“No. They can’t report him missing until it’s been at least twenty-four hours. Santiago and I are going to look for him. You probably shouldn’t go. I mean, the last thing we want is a scene when we do find him.”
I hated the thought of being stuck at home, but I knew she was right. It’d be better for everyone if I stayed out of the way.
“Will you let me know when you find him? I mean, I care about him, you know?”
“I know you do. We’ll do the Mushroom another time soon, okay?”
“Okay. Bye.”
I sat there for a few minutes, considering my options. I dialed Nathan’s number, but he didn’t answer. There was nothing else to do but wait. And have some corn for dinner.
there’s more to life than kissing
WHEN I WOKE UP ON SATURDAY MORNING, THE FIRST THING I DID was check the driveway. Thankfully, my truck was in its usual spot. Then I checked my phone. The last text had been from Alix at around eleven p.m. They hadn’t found Nathan. I wondered if maybe I should try looking for him, but I had no clue where to go, and besides, Nina would be expecting me soon.
I showered, got dressed for work, and made myself some toast. Mom had come home last night with groceries, like Dean had promised. While I’d put a frozen pizza in the oven, I’d told her how totally fun it’d been to be stranded at home with nothing to eat. She didn’t say so, but the look on her face told me she felt bad about everything.
I’d offered her some of the pizza, but she didn’t take any of it. Said she was tired and just wanted to go to bed. Yeah, she was tired all right. Tired of being in the dark when it came to her husband. When I told her he’d sold his Bronco, she was more surprised than I’d been.
As I drove to Full Bloom, I told myself Dean was her problem. I kept my eyes peeled for Nathan or his car. Though I had no idea what I’d do or say if I found him, I really wanted to know that he was all right.
At work I found Nina and Spencer surrounded by flowers in the back room, getting ready for the wedding. Nina had hired a couple of temps to help out too. It was a flurry of floral activity.
I poked my head in. “You guys need anything?”
“Coffee!” Spencer called out, his hands tangled in a bouquet of white roses. “Please, Rae, I’m begging you. A bucket of coffee, if you can manage it.”
“Take some cash from the register, Rae,” Nina said. “Get us all coffees. And you, too, if you want one.”
I was happy to oblige. I grabbed a twenty and went next door. It was busy, like every Saturday morning. Leo’s mom, Georgia, gathered dirty dishes from a table. Leo, Aaron, and their dad hustled behind the counter, taking orders and filling cups with caffeinated goodness.
I didn’t notice him right away. He sat on a stool at the tall counter. As my eyes scanned the room, they landed on his, and a wave of a hundred different emotions rose up inside me.
“Nathan,” I whispered as he came over to where I stood, “everyone is worried sick about you. Where have you been?”
“Come outside with me?” he asked, the smell of coffee on his breath.
I was torn. What should I do? Surely he’d tell me the same things he always did, that I was the only one who understood him and nothing else mattered to him but me. He’d probably beg me to go back to him. But while I felt bad for the guy, I wasn’t going to change my mind. I didn’t want a boyfriend who treated me the way Nathan treated me.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t. My boss asked me to get coffee for everyone. We’re really busy, and she’s expecting me back soon.”
He leaned in and kissed my cheek. “I have to talk to
you,” he whispered in my ear. “I want to make things right.”
We inched closer to the counter. How could I get him to understand that what we’d had really wasn’t much of a relationship? “Nathan, I’m curious. When I get to the counter, do you know what I’ll order?”
“What do you mean? You just said you were getting coffee for your coworkers.”
“I mean, what do I drink when I go to a café. Do you remember?”
His eyes narrowed. “I don’t know. Who remembers something like that?”
“Okay. What about ice cream? What’s my favorite kind of ice cream?”
He bit his lip, thinking for a few seconds. “Uh. Chocolate chip mint?”
“No, that’s your favorite. See, here’s the thing. You can’t claim to care that much about me when you don’t even know me.”
He crossed his arms in protest. “That’s not fair. Just because I don’t know what kind of coffee or ice cream you like?”
“Tell me one thing I really like, Nathan. Just one. Besides the Foo Fighters.”
His eyes dropped to the ground as he thought about it. After a few seconds his head popped up. “Kissing. You like kissing me!”
I might have laughed if I thought he was trying to be funny. But he was serious. And it hurt. I think there was a small part of me that had hoped he’d prove me wrong. “Really? That’s all you can think of?”
“What? What’s wrong with that?”
“You need to go,” I said softly, only one person in front of me now. I looked at him. “It’s over. I’m sorry. Go home. Let your parents know you’re okay.”
His sad eyes searched mine, but I stared back at him with nothing but resolve. I meant what I said. He took a deep breath and turned for the door.
“Hi, Rae, how are you?” Leo asked as the person in front of me moved to the side to wait for his order. I didn’t know how to respond. Should I tell him the truth or lie? My face must have told him what I couldn’t say. “Hey, are you okay?” Leo’s voice was soft and soothing. “Was that guy bothering you?”
“That guy is my boyfriend,” I said. “Well, ex-boyfriend. I broke up with him a couple of days ago. He isn’t taking it very well.”
He cringed. “Ooh. Sorry. Anything I can do?”
“I don’t think so. Sometimes I wish I could get away from my life, you know?”
He nodded, like he understood. “So, here’s what you should do. Come and do a video with me. It’s a great way to escape. Focus on something else for a while.”
I shrugged. “Okay. When?”
“What can I get you, Rae?” Aaron asked, sounding annoyed that Leo hadn’t barked out my order yet.
“Four large coffees and a tea for me, please.”
Aaron stepped away to get the drinks. I handed Leo the twenty-dollar bill. “What time are you off work?” he asked.
“Two o’clock.”
“Perfect. Meet me in the parking lot.” He handed me my change. “It’ll be fun. I promise.”
After two days of drama, I really liked the sound of that.
fishing for answers
I FOUND LEO LEANING AGAINST MY TRUCK IN THE PARKING LOT.
“You mind driving?” he asked.
“Nope,” I said, unlocking his door. “I figured you came with your family.”
“I just need to stop by my house and get the camera.”
“You got it.” Although Leo and I had been friends for a while, this was the first time we were actually going somewhere together. Our relationship up until now had mostly consisted of talking during breaks at work. I felt a tinge of nervousness as I got into my truck. I hoped we’d get along the same way we always did—perfectly.
The lingering cigarette smell from when Dean borrowed the truck hit me. I rolled down my window. “Sorry it stinks. I don’t smoke, I promise.”
“I don’t smell like a meadow of daisies myself,” he said.
“Compared to this truck, you do.”
“Well, now it will smell like coffee and cigarettes,” he said, rolling down his window too. “The poor man’s breakfast, they say.”
It made me think of Dean and my mom, and my hard-earned money they were spending on who-knows-what. I couldn’t let myself think about it too much because it made me want to scream. “It’s ridiculous. If they didn’t buy all those cigarettes, maybe they wouldn’t be so poor.”
As Leo gave me directions, I realized we lived in the same neighborhood. I didn’t say anything—didn’t say he lived in the crappy part of town, like me. Maybe he liked it. Or maybe, since he was homeschooled, he didn’t even really know he lived in the crappy part of town.
“I love this song,” he said, tapping out the rhythm on the dashboard with his hands. “My Hero,” by the Foo Fighters.
“Yeah, me too.” It made me smile, and any nervousness I had initially felt vanished. I already felt better than I had in days.
He stopped tapping. “Do you have a hero, Rae?”
I paused. “Probably Nina. I mean, she runs her own business and works hard to make the people around town happy. I admire her. A lot.” I looked at him. “What about you?”
“I’d have to go with my dad. For some of the same reasons. And because, you know, he’s my dad.”
I felt a tug at my heart, like I did anytime someone talked lovingly about a father. It was a reminder of what I was missing. “Yeah,” I said. “I think a lot of kids feel that way about their dads.”
“It’s that one,” he said, pointing to a white ranch style with bluish-gray trim. I pulled into the driveway.
I felt him looking at me. “What about your dad?” he asked.
My chest tightened. I wanted to say my dad was the greatest dad who ever lived. But I couldn’t. Because as much as I’d wished he’d come and rescue me, he never had. He was the opposite of a hero. A villain? A coward? A deadbeat dad?
I looked at Leo. “My dad walked out on me and my mom. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t qualify for hero status.” I turned off the truck and changed the subject. “So, do you want me to wait here? Or should I come in with you?”
“Rae, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”
I lightly slapped his knee. “No, don’t apologize. It’s fine. I don’t talk about my family very much, so how were you supposed to know?” I smiled. “Anyway, what now?”
“Come in. I can make some sandwiches for us too, if you want. You’ve gotta be hungry, right?”
With everything going on at work and with Nathan, I hadn’t even noticed. But the toast before work had been the last thing I’d eaten. I’d been skipping lunch so often to save money, maybe I was starting to get used to living in a constant state of hunger. “That would be great.”
He led me inside and to the kitchen. It was clean and smelled like lemons. “What kind of sandwich do you want?”
“Something easy? I mean, I’m fine with PB and J.”
As he pulled a loaf of bread out of a drawer, I realized this was an opportunity for me to do something nice for Leo for a change. “Hey, why don’t I make the sandwiches while you take a shower.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Go!” And I meant it. It was the kind of home a person couldn’t help but feel comfortable in.
He shrugged. “Okay. Well, the jam’s in the fridge and the peanut butter is in the pantry. I’ll be back in a few.”
I gathered everything I needed and went to work. After I finished making the sandwiches, I poured two glasses of milk and grabbed a potato chip bag from the pantry. I set everything on the dining table and then wandered around the family room. It was filled with family pictures. They obviously did a lot of camping. Or used to. The boys in the pictures were much younger. They probably couldn’t get away as much now because they were always working.
“Hey.” Leo suddenly appeared. His hair was damp, and even from a few feet away, I noticed how good he smelled. Like coconut. “Checking out the Martin family photos? My hair wasn’t so great back then.”
“It’s definitely gotten better with age,” I teased. “You guys still go camping?”
“Nah. Not since my parents bought the coffee shop. Too busy all the time.”
“You miss it?”
“I don’t think about it that much, to be honest. But, yeah. I guess. I really like fishing. Just me and the water, standing there with a pole, being still.”
I had to admit, it sounded nice. Even if I didn’t like fish. “I’ve never been,” I told him, moving toward the table.
“Fishing or camping?” he asked.
“Neither.”
He took a seat at the table and looked up at me, his eyes big and round. “You’ve never been camping? Never had a s’more? Never been eaten alive by bugs and scratched your legs until they bled? Never peed in the woods and gotten poison oak for going in too far?”
I opened the chip bag and took a few out. “Wow, you make it sound so fun. We should go right now!”
“Well, s’mores are good. And the fishing. The rest I can take or leave.”
I sat across from him. “You’re lucky. My mom really isn’t the camping type.”
He took a drink of milk. “Not everyone is, I guess.” He pointed to his sandwich. “You make a mean PB and J, Rae. Best one I’ve had in a long time.”
“It’s my specialty. Along with hamburgers.”
We ate in silence for a few minutes. Then I asked, “Do you think it’s possible to grow up and be different from your parents? I mean, take camping. If my mom doesn’t like camping, am I destined to not like camping either? Is it just in my blood?”
He set his sandwich down and leaned forward a little bit. “Your parents may have created you, but they don’t define you.” He sounded so sure. I wanted to believe him. “Next spring I’m taking you fishing,” he said.
I smiled. “I’d love that.” I meant it too.
He shook his head. “I still can’t believe you’ve never been camping.”
“What can I say?” I fiddled with my potato chips. “I’m a freak.”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that. You’re not a freak.”