I stood there in just a T-shirt and underwear. I was freezing. And scared. If he found the money, it could get ugly. But I stood there like a stone. After a few seconds he let out a big sigh and cussed under his breath.
“You get any tips on those deliveries of yours, you gotta promise to give me the cash.” He blinked his eyes really fast as his upper lip quivered a tiny bit. Then he wiped his face with his hands, like he wanted to clear away the desperation. “You understand me? Every little bit helps right now.”
“I understand,” I said softly as I plopped down on my bed. “What about Mom? You know she can’t get to work because you’ve been taking her car?”
“I know it, Rae. I’m doing the best I can. God help me, I am.”
He stood there for a minute longer, neither of us saying anything. I think maybe he wanted me to reassure him. But those words, they hid from me. Maybe because I’d never heard them when I’d needed them.
After he left, I put my purse on my desk, but then my grandma’s voice rang in my ears. “The road to happiness is paved with good deeds for others.”
I reached in, pulled out my wallet, and grabbed a twenty. Then I went out to the kitchen and handed it to him. Surprisingly, Dean didn’t get mad and ask where it came from. He simply said, “Thank you, Rae.”
I went back to my room, shut the door, and checked my phone for messages. Nathan had left me a voice mail after texting me a couple of more times. He said he didn’t want to leave things “unfinished.” I muttered mean things under my breath. I’d have to call him and basically break up with him again. I was such an idiot. As if it hadn’t been hard enough the first time.
I called Alix.
“Happy Saturday,” she said sleepily.
“Did I wake you up?”
“Kind of. Actually, no. I’m just lying here, thinking.”
I crawled back into bed and pulled the covers up to my chin. “About what?”
“Strangely enough, all of that poetry in the newspaper. A few words were floating around in my brain about what happened to you yesterday. I’m like, is this how a poem starts? A few words? A feeling? And then you start writing?”
“Yep. Pretty much,” I said. “Wait. You’re not upset with me about yesterday, are you?”
“No, silly, we’re fine. But I’m fascinated by what happened between you guys. You needed someone in that moment. He was passing by. And it’s like everything fell away except the two of you. In the school parking lot while rain poured down. Seems like that’s a poem waiting to be written right there.”
I sighed. “Nathan’s bugging me again. Texting me. Calling me. I need to call him back. What should I say, besides I’m sorry and it was a big mistake?”
Alix blew a breath out. “I don’t know. Whatever you say, it’s gonna sting all over again.”
I snuggled deeper under my covers. “What a mess. I should have kept walking. Said hello and kept on walking.”
“Yeah. You really should have.”
“I’m so glad you rescued me, Alix. Thank you for that.”
“You’re welcome. Now call Nathan. Get it over with.”
“Yeah. Okay. Talk to you later.”
I hung up and looked at the clock. If I didn’t get in the shower, I’d be late for work. I didn’t want to be late.
I’ll call him later, I thought. After all, what was the hurry, really?
boys, boys, boys
SPENCER HAD THE DAY OFF, SINCE KEVIN’S PARENTS WERE IN town. Kevin and Spence had patched things up over Christmas, like I knew they would. We sure could have used Spencer at work, though. A beloved elementary school teacher had passed away on Friday, so we’d received a lot of flower orders. Nina said she had to bite her tongue around the seventh order, when she wanted to suggest they get the family something else, like restaurant gift cards or a housecleaning service. Still, it was heartwarming to see such an outpouring of kindness.
I didn’t look at the clock once the entire afternoon. When five o’clock came, I helped Nina take all the bouquets to the van. She would make the delivery, like she always did when there was a death. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to deliver flowers to the grieving family. I think Nina just felt that as the owner, she should do the harder jobs. I didn’t protest. I had a date, after all.
“Thanks for your help today,” she said as we stood by the van in the cool night air. “As usual, I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“You’re welcome. I’ll see you on Monday.”
As Nina drove away, Leo walked up with his black polo shirt untucked, his tan apron hanging over his arm, and a gym bag slung over his shoulder.
“Hey,” he said, smiling. His hair was kind of messed up. And as soon as he got within a few feet of me, I could smell the coffee like he wore it as cologne. “We’re gonna have to stop off at my house first. I desperately need a shower.”
“Sorry. I should have thought of that.”
“Nah, it’s okay. I brought a change of clothes, thinking I could wash up in the bathroom, but the stuff is relentless.” He motioned to a white Honda. “My dad’s. I thought I’d drive this time. We can leave yours here, and I’ll bring you back later, if that’s cool with you.”
“Works for me.”
Before we could get in the car, Nathan stepped out of the shadows and into a lit area of the parking lot. My stomach lurched as I wondered how long he’d been there and if he’d been watching us.
“Rae, I need to talk to you,” Nathan said.
Leo answered before I could. “It’s not really a good time right now. We’re just heading out.”
Nathan walked over and shoved Leo. “I’m pretty sure I wasn’t talking to you, asshat.”
“Nathan, stop!”
Leo stood tall and firm. He didn’t touch Nathan, though I wouldn’t have blamed him if he had. “Well, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to talk to you. Girls don’t like stalkers much.”
Nathan got into his face. “Did your girlfriend tell you who she made out with yesterday? Did she?” Leo stood there, like a statue. “Yeah. I didn’t think so.”
I couldn’t believe this was happening. “All right, Nathan, that’s enough. Let’s talk.” I asked Leo, “Can you wait in the car for me? Please? I’ll just be a minute.”
He gave Nathan a look that said, Don’t even try to mess with her. And then he got in the car like I asked.
I walked over a few feet and stood right underneath the lamppost. Nathan followed me. “What do you want?” I asked.
He rolled his eyes and chuckled. I could smell alcohol on his breath. “What do I want? First of all, I want to know why you lied to me about him. You’re obviously more than friends.”
“I didn’t lie,” I said. “We’re just friends. At least for now.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Nathan, what are you doing here?” I was getting exasperated.
He came closer. “I want to know why we aren’t together. What happened yesterday proves we should be together.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, almost in a whisper. “I shouldn’t have let it happen. I was feeling lonely. It was a mistake.”
He shook his head. “No. No way. What I felt, what I know you felt, that can’t be a mistake.”
“Nathan, it’s over. I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to hurt you again, but it’s over. Please don’t—”
“Don’t what?” he yelled. “Don’t hate you? I wish I could, Rae. I really wish I could. Everything in my life is hell right now.” His voice got quieter. “When I’m with you, it all disappears.” He stumbled back. “But I get it. I’m not good enough for you. So you’ve moved on to some guy who whips up mochas for a living. Great. You two go and be happy together, okay? You deserve each other.” He walked away and muttered, “Bitch.”
“You’re not driving, are you?” I called after him.
He didn’t answer. I watched him as he turned the corner, toward Pacific Road. It looked like he’d walked, though he could have parked a
few blocks away, in the Safeway lot.
I made a quick call to Alix. She was with Santiago, getting gas before going out to dinner. She assured me they’d make their way over to look for Nathan and get him home safely.
I hung up and went over to Leo’s car.
“You okay?” he asked as I got in.
Was I? My hands trembled as I put on my seat belt. “I’m so embarrassed.” I looked at him. “The kiss, yesterday morning, I—”
“You don’t have to explain,” he said. “Really. It’s none of my business.”
“But I want to. I mean, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.”
He started the car. “Are you two back together?”
“No.”
He pulled out into the street. “Do you want to be?”
“No.”
“Then that’s all I need to know.”
And that was the end of the conversation. We zipped to his house, where I’m pretty sure he took the fastest shower in the history of the universe. I stayed in the car, needing a few minutes to myself, listening to the alternative rock station on satellite radio.
Alix texted me: WE HAVE NATHAN. TAKING HIM HOME.
I replied: THX! YOU’RE THE BEST. GOING TO MOVIES W LEO.
She wrote back: ??? !!! HAVE FUN!
When Leo got back in the car, he smelled good. Clean. Like Ivory soap and coconut.
“So, are you hungry?” he asked.
“Starving,” I said. “Dealing with messed-up ex-boyfriends really works up a person’s appetite, you know?”
“There’s this new place on the other side of town called the Melt Bar and Grill. They specialize in grilled cheese sandwiches with different types of cheese and stuff. Want to try that?”
“Yeah. Sounds good.” I sat back and finally let myself relax a little bit. “I’m really sorry. About what happened back there.”
He reached over to take my hand. His was smooth. Warm. “I wish he weren’t making things so hard on you.”
“Yeah. See all the exciting stuff you miss out on by being homeschooled?”
He groaned. “Sometimes I wish things were different. But then I remind myself of the cliques, the who’s-in-and-who’s-out crap, the annoying busywork teachers assign. And suddenly being homeschooled doesn’t look so bad.”
His thumb stroked my hand. It was so sweet. “But just think,” I said. “You could see me every day.”
“Oh my God. You’re right. Sign me up.”
I laughed as my whole body tingled. Because Leo really seemed to like me. And the more I was with him, the more I realized the feeling was totally mutual.
urgent
WE ATE OUR GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES AND DISCUSSED AD nauseam the movies that were out, what we’d heard about them, and why we might want to see one over another. Finally, we decided on a comedy, even though it’d received mixed reviews. We both agreed that we could use a good laugh.
Leo knew a lot about movies. About the directors, about the actors, about the budgets and what that meant. I was fascinated.
“Do you want to work in film someday?” I asked as we pulled into the theater’s parking lot. “Like, for a career?”
“Yeah. I think so. It’s what I love doing. What about you?”
I looked out the window at the film titles hung on the marquee. Someday a movie he worked on could be up there.
“I want to be an English teacher.”
He turned off the car. “Ever think of being an author?”
“No, I want someone else to write the stories. I just want to get paid to read them.”
He laughed as he reached for the glove box and pulled out some Tic Tacs. “Want one?” I nodded, so he tapped out a few and I took one from the palm of his hand. He popped the others in his mouth.
When we got out of the car, Leo took my hand, like he’d been doing it forever. “What are you reading now? Anything delicious?”
I remembered our made-up book titles. It made me smile. We walked slowly to the ticket line. “I got this book from the library that my English teacher mentioned in class. Eyes Like Mine? It’s really sad. She said it’s one of her favorite books. I’m not done with it yet, but it’d better have a happy ending.”
“Man, I hear ya,” he said. “I am all about the happy ending.”
I wondered if he was thinking about his grandma. Even though the worst was over, she was still in the hospital. If anyone deserved a happy ending, it was Leo.
I shivered as we got in line, regretting that I hadn’t brought a coat. Leo must have noticed how cold I was, because he slipped his arm around me and pulled me to him.
“Better?” he asked.
“Yeah.” And it really was.
Just then, my phone rang. I fished it out of my purse. It was my mom. Leo watched as I turned off the ringer.
“Don’t want to take it?”
I shook my head.
“What if it’s important? I mean, I don’t mind.”
Great. He probably thought I was totally inconsiderate, when I just didn’t want her to ruin my night. “Okay. I’ll be right back.”
I stepped a few feet to the side of the line and pressed talk. “Mom? What’s up? It’s not really a good time.”
“Rae? Oh, thank God. I need you to come home.”
I looked over at Leo. He smiled. I smiled back before I turned my back to him.
“Mom, I can’t!” I hissed. “I’m on a date.”
“It doesn’t matter—you need to come home now!” Her voice shook. “We need to find Dean.”
“Mom, just calm down. Did something happen?”
“Yes. Two men came to the house looking for him. I’m afraid they might hurt him. So we need to find him first. We need to warn him.”
At the mention of the two men, I felt my heart speed up. I swallowed hard. “Wait. Who came to the house?”
She started crying. “I don’t know who they were! A couple of big guys. Said they had an urgent message for Dean and needed to talk to him.”
Sweet mother-of-pearl, what has Dean gotten himself into? I had to think fast. My mind raced, trying to figure out how to help her.
“Mom, I think you should get out of there. Right now. Do you have a friend you can go see? Anybody?”
Through her sobs I heard her say, “No.”
“Does Dean have your car?”
“Yes.”
Stupid question. Of course he did. I wanted to scream, but I tried to stay calm, for my mom’s sake. “Okay, here’s what you’re going to do. Pack a suitcase with some clothes and anything else we might need. I’ll come home and take us to the Motel 6.”
“How are we gonna pay for it, Rae? He took all my money.”
I shut my eyes, trying hard not to burst into tears myself. “We’ll figure it out. I have a little bit. It’ll be okay. We can’t . . . we can’t stay there. I don’t think it’s safe.”
Mom didn’t say anything. Her sobs turned to sniffles. “Okay. I’ll pack. But what about Dean? Shouldn’t we try to find him? What if they hurt him?”
“Remember what he said? He can take care of himself. We need to focus on ourselves right now.”
“Will you come soon?”
“Yes. I’m on my way.”
“Thank you, Rae.”
My body trembled. “See you soon.”
Fear clung to her voice. “Bye.”
I took a deep breath as I tucked my phone away. Was this really happening? First Nathan and now this. Wouldn’t Leo have a great story whenever he was asked about the worst date he ever had.
“What’s going on?” he asked as I rejoined him in line.
“Can you please take me back to my truck? My mom needs me at home.”
He took my hand and started walking toward his car. “Is she all right?”
I didn’t know how much to say. I decided to go with the tried-and-true policy—the less shared, the better. “She’s fine. It’s just, there’s stuff going on with my stepdad and she’s worried about him.??
? We reached his car, and he unlocked my door and opened it for me. “I’m sorry, Leo.”
He waved me off. “Don’t worry about it. Things happen. Believe me, I understand.”
We drove for a while in silence as I made a checklist in my head of all the things we needed to take with us to the hotel. When Leo stopped at a red light, he asked, “Rae, are you sure you don’t want to tell me what’s going on? Maybe I can help.”
I looked out my window, watching as a guy and a girl made their way down the sidewalk, talking and laughing like they didn’t have a care in the world. How come that couldn’t be me? Would it ever be me? “Thanks,” I said, almost in a whisper. “But there’s nothing you can do.”
“Rae, I care about you. And I want you to know—”
“Please, can we not talk?” I rubbed my temple. I felt so tired. “I’m not feeling so great. I’d just like to get to my truck, okay?”
Maybe he wanted to have a big gut-wrenching conversation, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. Not now.
Leo started to protest but stopped himself. Then, in the darkness, I felt his hand on top of my leg. It stayed there the rest of the way, as if trying to reassure me everything would be okay.
When he got to the now empty parking lot, Leo pulled into the space next to my truck. He put the car in park, and I thought we’d say a quick good-bye, then go our separate ways. But he had a different idea.
Leo reached over and put his hand on my cheek. “Rae,” he whispered. “I’m worried about you.”
The tenderness in his voice, the softness of his touch, and the concern on his face were almost too much. I felt tears rising up, like a giant wave. I shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to hold back the tears.
And then I felt his lips on mine. More tenderness. More softness. Like a pink cloud lined in silver as the sun sets. He tasted like spearmint, and as his tongue gently met mine, my whole body tingled. There was something about the gentle way Leo held my face in his hand that made me feel so safe and warm. Loved.
I wanted to feel more.
I needed to feel more.
I reached for him, pulling him closer. His hand moved through my hair, down my back, and pressed me closer to him. All the while, our mouths never stopped exploring each other’s. Desire filled me, like nothing I’d ever felt before. Maybe I’d kissed before. But I’d never kissed like this before. Never.