I swallowed hard and then I spoke. “My friends think I get all my clothes at the City Girl. That’s what I’ve told them. That’s what I’ve wanted them to believe, because I didn’t want them to think I was less than them, somehow. But the truth is, I can’t afford expensive clothes. I shop at the thrift store most of the time.”
Felicia swiveled in her seat to look at me, her mouth gaping open. I continued. “Why does it matter what we wear? What kind of car we drive? Or where we live? I don’t get it. I’m beginning to realize that all the energy we spend on trying to be as good as or better than everyone else would be better spent elsewhere. So, personally, I’m not gonna hide stuff anymore. Everyone has problems. You may feel alone, but you’re really not.”
I scanned the room, and a few people were nodding their heads. Whether anything would change their behaviors remained to be seen, but at least I’d tried my best to get my point across.
“Does anyone have anything else to add?” Ms. Bloodsaw asked. When no one spoke up, she continued. “What I’d like to do now is give you some time in class to write a poem. The topic is entirely up to you. This is a class assignment that will be graded, with the option of submitting it to the paper, name or no name, whatever you’re most comfortable with.”
She went back to her desk and sat down. “Thank you for the great discussion, class. You certainly got me thinking.”
I hoped she wasn’t the only one.
Bloom
by Rae Lynch
In the dark,
the flowers hide.
They wait
for the right time
to come up.
Warmer temperatures
and sunshine
encourage them
to come out,
to reach,
to grow.
They are proud
of who they are.
They bloom,
giving the world
color and joy.
In the dark,
the people hide.
They wait
for the right time
to speak up.
Compassion
and kind words
encourage them
to come out,
to reach,
to grow.
They are proud
of who they are.
They bloom,
giving the world
light and hope.
Sometimes it’s dark
where I am.
I don’t want to hide
anymore.
confessions
FELICIA DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING TO ME AS WE LEFT CLASS. WE met Alix in the hallway, since we had chemistry together next period.
“Hey,” Alix said to me, “what’s wrong?” She pulled me into a hug. “You okay?”
Did I look upset? I didn’t feel upset. Anxious, maybe? I took a deep breath and let it out. “I told a secret last period. I’m hoping Felicia isn’t annoyed with me.”
“What happened?” Alix asked.
“I shared with the entire class that I buy my clothes at the thrift store.” I laughed nervously. “I’m a real pro at it. You should come with me sometime. You’d be amazed how much money you can save.”
Alix considered this for a second and then said, “Really? Everything you own?”
“Pretty much.”
“Huh. Well, fine with me. I don’t care.” She shrugged. “It’s fine, right, Felicia?”
“I guess.” She gave me a puzzled look. “But I don’t get why you lied to us. We’re your friends.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Please don’t take it personally. I think it says more about me than you. I can be insecure, that’s all.”
“I’ll bet we all have stuff we don’t tell each other,” Alix said. “It’s okay.” Now she put her arm around Felicia. “Like she said, we shouldn’t take it personally.”
“Is there anything else we should know?” Felicia asked. She didn’t say it in a mean way, but still, I kind of wished she’d let it go.
I started walking toward class. “Mostly, life is a lot worse at home than I let on. But you guys know I don’t like talking about it.”
Alix looped her arm with mine. “You know we love you no matter what. Tell her, Felicia.”
Felicia’s face softened. “Yeah. Of course. I’m sorry. It just . . . surprised me, that’s all.”
“There’s a lot more where that came from,” a voice broke in from behind us. I knew who’d said it before I’d even turned around.
“Don’t start, Nathan,” Alix said, pivoting around, causing us to stop in the middle of the hallway.
He ignored Alix and glared at me. “Why don’t you tell them what a prince your stepdad is, Rae? How he tries to recruit innocent kids like me to do his dirty work for him?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said.
Nathan’s hair was really long now. I could hardly see his eyes behind his bangs. “That night I went over there? He tried to pull me into his gambling ring. Said they could use someone like me. Someone with a rich daddy who wouldn’t miss a few bills taken from his wallet now and then.”
I could feel my face turning red. “I’m sorry he did that. I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, well, I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself. I told him to go to hell.”
When he said that, a chill went down my spine. He sounded exactly like Dean.
“Stop trying to make trouble,” Alix told Nathan.
As the bell rang, Alix pulled Felicia and me into chemistry. I turned and watched as Nathan walked down the hall, flanked by two of his buddies. Clearly, they weren’t going to class.
Oh, Nathan. What’s happened to you?
the last special delivery
“HOW WAS THE FUNERAL YESTERDAY?” SPENCER ASKED ME WHEN I got to work.
“It was nice,” I said. “I loved the song they started the service with. Have either of you heard the hymn ‘In the Garden’?”
Nina stepped away from the shelf of plants she was arranging. “No, I don’t think I have. Did you like it?”
“I loved it. I think I want that played at my funeral.”
“Don’t talk like that,” Nina said. “It might be bad luck or something.”
“I want mine to be a big party,” Spencer said. “I hope they play some ABBA. Or Pointer Sisters. Something that makes people want to get up and dance.”
“Okay, can we stop talking about this, please? It gives me the creeps,” Nina said as she returned to the plants. “Rae, we’re glad you’re back.”
An older man stepped into the shop holding an envelope. “Just found this by your door,” he said. “For someone named Rae?”
I took the envelope from his hand. “That’s me. Thanks a lot.”
“No problem. Don’t know why the person didn’t bring it in to you.”
I smiled. “Yeah. I’d love that, actually.” The man left as I tried to analyze the handwriting like I’d done every other time. I still had no idea what I had to do with these anonymous deliveries, and I was beginning to think I’d never know.
It was like Spencer read my mind. “Any idea who it might be? It’s been going on for a while now. Seems like we should be able to figure it out.”
I stared him down. “Spencer, it’s not you, is it?”
His eyes got big and he put his hand to his chest. “Me?” He laughed. “Oh, that is funny. Remember, I’m the selfish one. I want credit where credit is due.”
It did seem like it would take a special someone to do something so incredibly kind and not want any recognition for it.
“So let’s see it,” Spencer said as he put his arm around me. He smelled good, like Altoids and rose petals. “Who’s the lucky person today?”
I opened the envelope. Spencer read it out loud, over my shoulder.
Dear Rae,
Please make yourself a flower arrangement.
Make it the bouquet of your dreams, with your favorite flowers.
r />
It’s your turn to smile for a change.
Signed,
A friend
Tucked in the envelope was fifty dollars, just like the others.
“This doesn’t make sense,” I told Spencer. “I’m supposed to deliver flowers to myself?”
“Even better, Rae,” Spencer said as he pointed to the workroom. “You get to create the bouquet of your dreams! What are you waiting for?”
Before I could respond, Leo walked through the door.
He had a big smile on his face. Something about it was different. And his eyes, they lit up with excitement. What could possibly make him that happy on a boring March afternoon?
And that’s when it hit me. Why hadn’t I thought of it before?
Maddie had known both of us.
Lots of people in town knew Leo. He even told me he was a good listener because people loved sharing personal stories while he made coffee.
It had to be Leo.
Still holding the envelope, I walked over to him and whispered, “Can I talk to you outside?”
“Sure. Can I see if you guys have some ones first?” He looked at Spencer. “My mom’s going to make a bank run, but would you have five or ten dollars’ worth to hold us over?”
After Spencer gave him the change, I led Leo out the door and over to the bench outside Cutting Edge. He took a seat and patted next to him, gesturing for me to sit too. But I couldn’t. I felt on edge, my heart beating fast as I wondered if my suspicions were right. I waved the envelope at him.
“Why have you been doing this?”
At first he tried to play dumb. He looked confused and asked, “What?”
“You know what! I’ve figured it out, Leo. It’s you. You’re the one who had me deliver flowers to Maddie. To Ella. To George. Why? Please, tell me, why?”
He started to protest again, and then stopped. A smile spread across his face and he said, “Okay. You got me.”
I pressed my hand to my stomach as a mixture of relief and confusion rushed through me. “It’s really you?”
Again he gestured for me to sit, and this time I didn’t refuse. “I hope you’re not mad that I didn’t tell you.”
I laughed nervously. “No, I’m not mad, but I don’t understand at all.”
He put his hand on my thigh. “In high school, kids are supposed to do community service projects, right? My mom wanted me to do something to make a difference in someone’s life as part of our homeschool curriculum.
“For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out what I could do. Because of work, I don’t have a lot of free time. And then, after you showed me that poem you wrote, I wanted to help you. It felt to me as if you were carrying around your secrets like a deadweight.
“I came up with the idea to have you deliver flowers to cheer up a few people. I figured it’d help them, and maybe it’d help you, too. And before you say I was crazy for spending that kind of money, my mom agreed to help me. She really liked the idea. She called me the flower fairy.” He narrowed his eyes. “Please let that be our little secret.”
I smiled. “Spencer called you the floral philanthropist. As for me, you were the ninja of nice.”
He laughed. “Now we’re talking.”
I still was confused about one thing, though, and I really wanted to understand how I fit into the equation. “But, Leo, I deliver flowers every day, because it’s my job. How did you think this project of yours would help me?”
An older lady walked by us. He waited to reply until she’d gone inside Cutting Edge. “The people I chose came into the shop and liked to talk. I hoped the people I chose might be willing to open up to you, even a little bit, as you stood on the porch with their flowers. You have such a big heart, and I knew if they started talking, you’d want to know more. And in getting to know them, you’d meet nice people having a hard time, like yourself. I wanted you to see that people do the best they can, and in the end, you don’t judge them. You come to like them because of the good people they are, which is completely separate from their crappy situations.”
It was pretty sweet what Leo did. Kind. What he’d said was exactly what I’d hoped to get across in Ms. Bloodsaw’s class this morning. Basically the same message, just a different method.
Leo took my hand in his. “That delivery for George? At the hospital? That one was completely selfish. I wanted to see you. To get a chance to talk. I missed you so much.”
I cringed. “And I blew you off. I’m so sorry. Okay, what about that delivery over winter break? I wasn’t here for that one.”
He nodded. “Right. I didn’t know you were on vacation, so that didn’t exactly go as planned. But it’s okay. At least you got to know Maddie and Ella.”
It was kind of unbelievable, how much he’d given me with such a simple idea. “What’s the deal with today’s envelope?” I asked.
He scratched the back of his head, like he was trying to figure out how to explain himself. “I needed to end my little project, and I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how. I figured maybe you’d catch on if I sent you a bouquet. I almost chickened out of coming clean, though, if you couldn’t tell.” He put his arm around me and pulled me close. “Thanks for understanding.”
Understanding? I was blown away by what he’d done to try to help me. I leaned in to kiss my ninja of nice.
“Leo!” his brother called from the door. “Did you get those ones? I need them now, man!”
Leo groaned as we both stood up and I handed him the envelope. “Take it. I don’t need a bouquet of flowers. I get to enjoy them every day for free. Really.”
“Can I take you to a movie instead? We need to have a do-over date, don’t we?”
I smiled. “Yeah. We definitely do.”
He quickly kissed me on the cheek and said, “I’ll call you later, okay?” And then he ran off toward the coffee shop.
I collapsed on the bench. The mystery was solved, and it would probably take me days to fully understand and appreciate what Leo had done.
No one had ever done anything like that for me before. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. For a little while, anyway.
at the park
OVER SPRING BREAK, LEO WENT WITH ME TO THE LAWYER’S office. I got teary when the man handed me the tattered blue book with the faded cover. The book had been well loved and I couldn’t wait to start reading it. I felt close to Ella, just holding it in my hands, like she’d left me a small piece of herself.
After that we went to the bank, and I opened a new savings account. I planned to be much more careful this time. Dean would never know about the money or the account. As we left the bank, I realized Ella had given me more than a book and money. She’d given me hope. I had a new confidence in myself and what the future might hold. I sent up a soft whisper of thanks.
For the first time in a long, long time, life felt good. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been this happy.
With our errands done, we headed to the park, where Leo pushed me on the swings until it felt like I was flying. We went down the slide over and over, a couple of times with me sitting on his lap. I leaned back and tried to kiss him as gravity pulled us to the ground, making him laugh because it wasn’t easy, kissing and sliding at the same time.
After we took a spin on the tire swing, we collapsed on the ground underneath a big oak tree. Leo lay flat on his back and pointed his video camera up at the branches, the leaves, and the big blue sky.
“You love the sky, don’t you?” I asked as I lay down next to him. “You always seem to point that thing toward it.”
“I guess I do. It’s rarely the same sky twice. It’s always changing, always different. And yet, always beautiful.”
He looked over at me. “No way,” I said. “Don’t go all cheesy on me and say the sky is like me. The sky is nothing like me!”
“What are you like, then?”
I pointed to the seesaw. “I’m like that thing. Up one minute and down the next. Constantly trying to f
ind my balance.”
He smiled. “Always changing. Always different. Always . . . ”
“No. Don’t say beautiful. Nathan used to call me that.”
“Okay. Always interesting? Or, I know, always spectacular, how about that?” he teased.
“Constantly trying to find my balance is not spectacular. It’s awkward and painful, that’s what it is.”
“Well, then, I think you’re pretty much like everyone else in the world.”
I sat up and plucked a handful of grass, then slowly let the blades fall into my lap. “Some days, when I’m down, it’s hard to get back up again. I wonder sometimes if something’s wrong with me. Like I should be stronger and have the ability to push myself up faster.”
He pulled me into his arms. I lay on his chest, our faces inches apart. “I promise, there’s nothing wrong with you,” he said as he tucked my hair behind my ears. “The fact that you try so hard to get up when you’re down says a lot about you. Not everyone does that, Rae. I wish you’d see that. You’re an amazing girl.”
“Really?” I asked, running my finger along his jawbone. “Spectacular and amazing?”
He leaned in closer. “Yes. Absolutely, yes.”
I wanted to believe him. I put my lips on his, and I kissed him over and over and over again, wanting, so desperately, to believe him.
poetry journal—march
from the poem THOUGHTS
by Sara Teasdale
When I am all alone
Envy me most,
Then my thoughts flutter round me
In a glimmering host;
Some dressed in silver,
Some dressed in white,
Each like a taper
Blossoming light;
I love this poem. I especially love the image of “blossoming light.”
Being alone can be dark. Sad. Or it can be an opportunity to think and dream lovely things.
It’s all in how we see the world. And what we hold within our hearts.